Absolute Lovers (Absolute #2) (19 page)

Fulbright? Julia won the Fulbright scholarship?

Winning the Fulbright was a great honor. But…she couldn't
have won. She would have told me if that were the case. I didn't even know that
she had applied for any scholarships. And the Fulbright, no less. That meant a
year of studying in Europe, all expenses paid.

Is she leaving?

My insides clenched with fear. I drew a deep breath to calm
my galloping heart.

No. She wouldn't do that. She wouldn't just leave. I know
she wouldn't. She loves me. She wants to be with me.

My momentary panic left my system. Julia loved me and she
wouldn't leave without telling me. But then why would the guy next to me say
something like that? How many Julia Wildes were there at the university? Only
my
Julia as far as I knew. But there had to be some kind of mistake. She hadn't
said a word about this to me and things between us were fantastic.

She has seemed distracted lately and a little depressed.
Is she trying to figure out how to let me down easy before she leaves?

No! Stop thinking that! She loves you, damn it!

I had to talk to her immediately or the speculation would
drive me insane. A rush of fear went through me when I turned and couldn't see
her anymore and I practically ran to our table where Matt and Shawn were still
seated, talking and relaxing.

"Where is she?" I demanded, cringing when I heard
just how desperate and panicked my voice sounded.

"Who, Jules?" my brother asked. "They all
went outside for a little fresh air." He held up two fingers to indicate
that they were actually smoking. I nodded and rushed toward the exit, leaving
them confused. Once outside I quickly walked toward the end of the building
where I had noticed there were a few tables and chairs set up for the smoking
crowd.

"You're really not going?" I heard Megan ask, and
stopped dead in my tracks just before I was about to round the corner.

"No, I'm staying here," Julia answered.

Relief flooded my system at the sound of her words, and
suddenly everything was all right with the world again.

She's staying! Thank God!

"But…why?" Megan asked, sounding shocked.

"You know why," my girl said quietly.

"Because of a guy? Seriously, Jules?" Megan's
voice wasn't angry. She sounded…disappointed.

"Stephen isn't just some guy," I heard Julia say
and I felt certain that she was using air quotes while she spoke. "I love
him."

I love you, too, sweetheart. So much that it hurts my
heart to think of you going away.

"Jules," Sophia said hesitantly. "You know
how much we like Stephen, and you guys are great together…but this is what
you've always wanted, isn't it? Your dream? Are you sure you know what you're
doing?"

Et tu, Sophia?

"I'm sure," Julia said. "I want to be with
Stephen."

"We know you do," Megan said. "But you
haven't been together very long and you've talked about studying abroad for as
long as we've known you. I just don't want you to miss out on this opportunity.
What would your grandfather say if he knew that you were throwing your dream
away like this?"

"He would want me to be happy!" Julia said,
sounding angry now. "Stephen makes me happy and I make him happy. We love
each other and I am not going to fucking lose him!"

I couldn't keep listening to their conversation like this
and decided to walk back inside, feeling strangely dazed from the shift from blind
panic to relief in such a short time. When Julia returned with her friends, I
couldn’t stop staring at her. For a moment, I’d thought I had lost her. But I
hadn’t. She was right here with me and I marveled at her beauty, grace, and
zest for life, so happy that she was staying. She drank more than usual but the
alcohol only made her more vibrant with shining eyes and rosy cheeks as she
danced the night away, the perfect picture of youth and lightheartedness. She
didn't seem affected by the conversation that I had stumbled upon outside and I
was happy to see that she laughed and talked with Megan and Sophia as though
nothing had occurred. The matter seemed forgotten.

But of course it wasn't.

Sophia sidled up to me while I was standing at the bar
watching my lovely girlfriend dance circles around my brother.

"She's not going anywhere," she said out of
nowhere and took a sip of my beer, something which might have seemed rude, but which
really made me warm on the inside that we were so familiar with one another
now.

I turned and looked at her.

"You've been watching her like you're scared that
she'll vanish into thin air in front of you," Sophia continued. "You
know, don't you?"

I nodded.

"She's staying here. Did you know that?"

I nodded again. "I overheard you talking outside
before," I admitted.

"She's staying here for
you
, Stephen,"
Sophia said pointedly. "Just for you."

"Is that so bad?" I asked. "I…I love her,
Sophia. More than anything."

Her eyes softened.

"Have you ever heard the expression 'If you love
something, let it go’?"

"It's 'If you love someone, set them free. If they come
back they're yours. If they don't, they never were,’ " I corrected
automatically. "Richard Bach, American novelist."

I stopped and processed the words I had just quoted. "Oh.”

"I don't want you two to break up," Sophia said
quickly. "But I'm worried that Jules isn't even considering her options
because she's so scared of losing you."

She looked up at me. "I mean, if she decided to go,
would you dump her?"

"No!" I said, much too loudly.

Sophia grinned. "I didn't think you would. Just…talk to
her, OK, Stephen?" She turned and looked at Julia, who was laughing and
dancing.

"She's finally able to go," she said. "She
took care of her granddad for a long time and sacrificed a lot because she
loved him so much. She’s always put everyone else first. She's free to do
anything now. Please just talk to her. Make her be honest with you. Find out
what she really wants, all right?"

I nodded solemnly. "All right."

Julia caught my eye, ran over, and jumped into my arms to
kiss me. She seemed so happy and I hoped that Sophia was mistaken. The rest of
the night went by quickly and before I knew it we were headed home in a taxi.

"Did you have a good time tonight, sweetheart?" I
asked, kissing Julia's hair. She was leaning against me with her head on my
shoulder, looking sleepy and a little inebriated.

"Mmm…the best," she mumbled and tried to fight her
way out of her seatbelt to get closer to me. Thankfully, she gave up the
struggle after a few seconds and kept it on.

"I'm glad," I whispered and tried to forget the
things that Sophia had said to me. After we got home and Julia freshened up in
the bathroom, she perked up and made tea for us while I watched her move around
my kitchen with the ease of someone who was clearly used to being there. She
did want to be here.

But why hasn't she told me about the scholarship?

"Julia?"

"Yeah?" She looked at me and smiled.

"You're, um, happy…right?"

"Of course," she answered immediately.

"And…you feel fulfilled?"

"Fulfilled?" she grinned. "Why are you being
weird?"

"Sorry." I chuckled. "I didn't mean to
be…weird."

"What's going on with you?" she asked and carried
our mugs into the living room, where we sat down on the couch.

I took her hand and laced our fingers. Hers was so small in
mine and I kissed the back of it gently.

"Stephen?" she asked. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I assured her. "I just…I know
about the Fulbright." I needed to know why she hadn't told me.

"Oh," she said quietly. "You saw it in one of
the newsletters?"

"No, I heard two students talking about it at the
club," I said, deciding to be completely truthful. "And then I, uh, I
overheard you talking to Megan and Sophia about it. I didn't mean to eavesdrop,
it just sort of happened." I was surprised when she gave me a smile.

"I'm glad," she said, sounding relieved.
"Then you already know I'm not going."

"Yeah, I heard you say that," I admitted.
"It's a huge honor to win, though, sweetheart. Congratulations."

"It's no big deal," she said dismissively.

"Yes, it is—why didn't you tell me?" I
asked.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I only found out a
few days ago and I didn't know what to say, really. It's not like I even wanted
to go."

"Really? You applied with no desire to go?" I
asked, watching her closely.

"Yeah," she said. "I only applied as sort of
a joke. Just to see if I was good enough. I knew I wouldn't ever actually go. I
mean, I couldn't possibly leave the country when I had Pops to take care
of."

"But you don't anymore," I reminded her,
unnecessarily.

"No, but I still can't just up and leave," she
insisted, as though the matter had been decided ages ago. "Besides, I've
already been to Europe."

"Yes, but this isn't some backpacking trip after high
school," I argued. "This is a really prestigious study
opportunity."

"So what?" she said lightly. "Why are we even
talking about this? I don't want to go."

Her eyes met mine for a brief second before she looked away.

Oh God.

There it was: the lie. Julia could never tell a convincing
lie, at least not to me. She
did
want to go and she wasn't being
truthful right now. I hadn't realized it outside the club because I couldn't
see her face, but it was obvious now and my heart constricted painfully when
confronted with the truth. I knew what I had to do, but I really didn't want to
do it.

"You should go."

Her eyes widened. "What?"

My sentiments exactly. What am I saying?

"You should go," I said again. "It's your
dream. It’s an amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity. I heard you talking
with the girls. I know how long you've wanted this."

"Yeah, once maybe, but not anymore."

"Julia. It's the Fulbright. You
do
want it. You
have to go."

"I can't!" she insisted. "I have commitments
here. I knew that when I applied."

"But your grandfather isn't here anymore,
sweetheart," I said gently.

"But
you
are!" she half-yelled.

"Julia," I sighed. "You just compared your
commitment to me to that of taking care of your ailing grandfather. I may not
know a lot about romantic relationships, but I know that they're not about
limiting each other. There's nothing holding you back now."

"My apartment," she said, grasping at straws.

"You own it," I reminded her. "You wouldn't
even have to put your things in storage."

"There's Meg and Sophia," she said weakly.

"They want you to go. You
know
they do," I
said. "They want you to have this experience because they care about
you."

"There's you," she whispered while she gazed up at
me with her beautiful eyes. "My sexy, geeky boyfriend."

My heart melted, and as much as I wanted to be utterly
selfish and hold her back, I knew that Julia would end up resenting me for it
one day if I did. She had so much life in her and I didn't want her to end up
like me in ten years with all this regret. Sure, my life was wonderful
now
,
but looking back I realized that the past decade was filled with missed
opportunities to travel and gain new experiences. I’d never applied for
scholarships or opportunities to study abroad, but I could have, if I’d been
brave enough. Julia was brave. I wanted her to have everything that life had to
offer. No matter how much it killed me to let her go.

"I won't let you do this," I said gently.
"You're not throwing away a once in a lifetime opportunity just to stay
here because of me. If we weren't together you wouldn't hesitate for even a
second, would you?"

Her silence answered the question.

"Take me out of your decision-making, then.”

Her eyes filled with tears and she took her hand away from
mine. "You…you want us to break up?"

"No!" I gasped. "No, I would never! I love
you, Julia! God, I love you so much, sweetheart." I pulled her into my
arms, needing to show her that this was by no means an attempt to end our
relationship. I had meant it when I told Sophia that I wouldn't break up with
Julia if she went away.

"I want you to have everything," I continued.
"That's why you can't factor me in, because you'll have me whether or not
you go. You can have the Fulbright
and
me. I'll wait for you. You
can
go, and I'll still be here when you get back."

She shook her head and the tears spilled out onto her
cheeks.

"No," she whispered. "I won't leave you. We
promised we wouldn't leave each other."

"You won't," I croaked, swallowing the lump in my
throat. "We'll still be together. I swear. We promised that we wouldn't
get scared and abandon each other—even if things got tough. This isn't
the same, sweetheart. I don't want you to have regrets like I do. Before I met
you I was so scared of everything even remotely out of the ordinary. I don't
want you to look back on your life ten years from now and wonder what might
have been. I don't want you to regret
us
because you thought you had to choose
between the two. You
can
have both."

I could see that my logic was getting to her. She knew that
I was right even if we both wished that I wasn't.

"I only want you," she insisted. "I don't
want us to break up."

"We won't," I insisted just as firmly.

"Long-distance relationships are a crock of shit,
Stephen," she said and pulled back before wiping her eyes. "They
never work out. Thousands of high school couples learn that every year when
they go off to college on opposite ends of the country."