A Cry For Hope (13 page)

Monday mornings were always busy at the bakery with everyone stopping in to get their extra dose of caffeine or sugar to cope with the beginning of the work week. There was finally a break in the action when my favorite couple, Penny and Marty, came in for their usual… a jelly donut and a cup of tea. Every morning since I had started helping my mom, they had come in after their morning walk. They were well into their eighties and an absolutely adorable couple. They had just celebrated their sixtieth wedding anniversary and were excited about the cruise that they were going on next month. “Good morning, Hope,” Marty said, flashing me a huge grin.

“Watch him, Hope. He may be old, but he still loves to flirt with the pretty girls,” Penny laughed. “You better not let her husband catch you making eyes at her, Marty. He may have to put you in your place.” She winked at me and smiled.

I smiled back. “Same as usual?” I asked.

“I think I’m going to dare to be different today,” Marty said.

Penny and I looked at him with surprise as he scratched his head like he was deep in thought. “I’m going to have a Boston Cream today.”

“You got it!”  I rang them up and smiled as I watched him pull out Penny’s chair and waited for her to take a seat. How I wished to be able to grow old with the man I loved.

My mother placed a slice of warm apple pie under my nose to break me from my daydream. “Taste this!” she said as she handed me the plate. I took a mouthful.

“Oh, my god, Mom. That is delicious.” If there was one thing that could help me temporarily forget my troubles, it was my mom’s baking.

I had a mouth full of pie when Nick came walking through the door. “Hey, are you being your dad’s errand boy again,” I joked.

“How’d you guess?”

“Well, somebody is going to be disappointed.” I jerked my head to the back where my mother was. We both began to laugh. “Oh, my god. I’m being such a pig. Taste some of this pie.” I lifted the spoon up to Nick’s mouth and fed him a spoonful.

My knees began to tremble and my heart began to race when I looked over at the door to see Jamie entering. My hands were shaking so bad that Nick had to grab the plate from me. “Hope, what’s the matter?” Nick asked, turning his attention to the door.

“Jamie, what are you doing here?” I asked, trying to hide the emotion in my voice.  “Oh, Nick, this is my husband, Jamie. Jamie, this is my old friend Nick.”

“How you doin’, man?” Nick said, extending his hand. “Hope, I’m going to go in the back and get my dad’s dessert order from your mom.”

“Yeah, okay,” I answered, still focused on Jamie.

I pushed a stray hair behind my ear. “What’s going on?” I asked, almost not recognizing him. Dark circles completely encompassed his sunken eyes and I could tell that he had lost weight just within the last week. He looked broken and vulnerable.  I couldn’t stand seeing him this way, knowing that he was in so much pain.

“I had a meeting about a half-hour away and I…umm…”

“Ah, Hope, you have all the guys flirting with you. I don’t stand a chance today,” Marty interrupted as he came up to the counter and grabbed a napkin.

I managed my best smile. “Actually, Marty, this is my husband.”  Or
was
my husband. I wasn’t quite sure of anything anymore.

“Uh oh, she didn’t tell you that I was flirting with her did she? Don’t believe her!” Marty joked.

“I told you!” Penny shouted from the table

“Well, allow me to say this…you are a very lucky man to have such a kind and beautiful wife. Cherish her. That’s the secret to a long and happy marriage,” Marty said, placing his hand on Jamie’s shoulder.

Jamie gave his best smile and nodded, but it was almost like Marty’s words pained him.

“Do you have a minute?” he asked, once Marty walked away.

My mother was so deep in conversation with Nick when they came walking out to the front that she almost didn’t even notice Jamie. “Jamie!” she said, looking almost as surprised as I was. She looked him over from top to bottom and I could see the shock on her face, feeling the same way that I was upon seeing him this way. She wrapped her arms around him and gave him hug.

“Mom, do you care if I just go -.”

“Yeah, go ahead. I got this covered,” she said without hesitation.

We walked across the street to the pond and took a seat on a bench. I focused my attention on the people enjoying the beautiful spring day…the runners, the dog walkers, the mothers pushing strollers.  I watched two baby bunny rabbits playing in the grass, trying my best to focus on anything but the reality that I needed to face sitting beside me.

Jamie ran his hand through his hair and stared straight ahead, like he was deep in thought. He finally turned his attention to me, staring at me the same way he always did whenever we would get in an argument. I saw so much of Charlie in him that it pained me to look at him. “I’m sorry, Hope. I’m sorry for what happened the other day. I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted to see you.”

I looked away and nodded. I was still so upset over the whole thing. I wasn’t sure if it was over coming face-to-face with this woman, or the fact that I actually thought that what she and Jamie had was more special than anything that the two of us ever did. “Did you guys get a good laugh at my expense after I left?” I just couldn’t help myself.

“What? Hope, no! I know that the damage is already done, but that’s over. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I did that.  I just feel like I’m losing my mind.  What I did to you that day that you left…I can't get it out of my head and I'm so sorry. I would never hurt you and I would kill anyone else if they ever did.”

I looked out at the water. “You know, Jamie, sometimes emotional pain can hurt worse than physical pain. I would rather endure that day over and over again, rather than feeling like I'm worthless to the man I love.”

“You know that wasn’t me that day, Hope.”

I finally turned my head, looking directly into eyes. “I don’t know what’s you anymore, Jamie. I don’t even know what’s me. All I know is that we used to be this couple that would be there for each other. I was there for you with your cancer. You were there for me with my dad’s death. Why couldn’t we be there for each other during the worst time in our lives? You had to run off into the arms of someone else and I had to run away.”

He looked down at the ground. “I don’t know, Hope. Maybe it’s because with all of those other times, one of us was a little stronger and able to help the other through it.” He paused briefly, then looked back up at me with tear-filled eyes. “With this, I just can’t be strong. Believe me, I tried and I want to be strong more than anything. But there are days that I think about him and just feel like I want to die. I just miss him so much, Hope.” His voice cracked with emotion and I could feel my heart breaking in half. “I’m not going to justify the cheating because there’s no excuse for that. I guess I did it so I could feel lower than I already do. I really don’t know. But I swear to you, Hope, it’s done.”

I sighed and stared out onto the pond. “So, what? Are you here to ask me for forgiveness?”

He shook his head. “No, I don’t expect you to forgive me that easily. But I do hope that, one day, you will be able to. I’m heading to San Diego tomorrow for a few months. They need someone to help out with a case that’s going to court next month. So if you want to go back home, I won’t be there.”

I shook my head. “No, that’s not my home anymore.”

He looked at me sadly.  “Hope, that is still your home.”

“Is it? Because all it feels like is a bad memory.”

He stared at me intently. I couldn’t hold back anymore. Everything that I wanted to say to him was coming to the surface. “You want me to forgive you for something that you intentionally did to me, but you aren't willing to forgive me for something that I had no control over.”  His eyes widened and he gazed at me as if he were at a loss for words.  “I can forgive you, Jamie, because I love you. I never
stopped
loving you. And, as weird as this may sound, I wish that this affair was the only problem in our marriage.”

“Hope, I'm sorry. I swear to God that’s over.”

I shook my head and smiled in frustration. “You just don't get it, do you? For the past eight months, I've been walking around on eggshells, not wanting to upset you and placing all the blame on myself. I can't keep doing that. It was an accident, a very tragic accident that shouldn't have happened. And believe me, Jamie, if I could switch places with him, I would in a heartbeat.”

He looked away. “I know, Hope.”

“I go through that day over and over in my mind, wondering what I could have done to prevent it from happening. I keep seeing his face, how his beautiful blue eyes looked for the very last time. It will haunt me for the rest of my life and I have to live with that. But I will no longer live with thinking that I caused this to happen to my beautiful little boy.” I couldn’t hold back the tears. They streamed down my face. 

He sighed and nodded. “You're right. It wasn't your fault.” He looked at me sadly, and wiped away my tears.

“Do you really feel that way, Jamie, or are you just saying that to make me feel better about myself?”

“I don't know what I feel anymore because, the truth is, most days I feel nothing. But I do know that I miss you. I miss the way things used to be between us. Before -.” He bit his lip and stopped himself.

“Well, it will never be that way again. No matter how hard we try, something will always be missing. I told you before that I am willing to try.  I still love you more than anything and I will do whatever we need to do to make this work.  But if you’re not willing to forgive and love this new girl sitting here in front of you, then this will all be in vain. You haven’t been able to tell me that you loved me since Charlie -.”  I couldn’t finish that sentence because just hearing it would be a reminder that Charlie was really gone, something that I didn’t want to come to terms with just yet. “I never made you second guess my feelings for you through any of this. You always knew that I loved you.”

He looked away and didn’t respond. His silence was like a knife to my heart.

“I guess I’m sounding pretty pathetic, huh? Begging my husband to love me again?” I wiped the tears from my eyes.

He shook his head. “No, you’re not pathetic. I am.”

“Well, Jamie, I guess -.” I looked away, trying to fight the pain in my heart over the words that were about to come out of my mouth. “I guess maybe you should go to San Diego and figure this out. Maybe we really can’t be fixed after all. If that’s the case, draw up the papers. I’m not going to fight it. You can have everything because everything that I want is already gone.” He closed his eyes and looked away.

I gathered what little pride I had left and stood. “I’m sorry that I let you down, but I’m even sorrier that I let Charlie down.” He looked at me with tear-filled eyes. I knew that he was hurting just as badly as me, but there was nothing I could do to comfort him. I was feeling too much pain myself. “Have a safe trip,” I whispered, before mustering up the strength to walk away.

The short walk back to the bakery wasn’t enough time for me to pull it together, and I didn’t feel like explaining to my mother why I was a complete mess.  I sat down on the bench a couple shops down from the bakery, trying to calm my nerves. I ignored the stares of some of the people passing by, looking at me sympathetically, and was grateful to those that were just too busy to care.

“Hope, are you okay?” I jumped when Nick took a seat next to me.

“Nick, what are you still doing here?” I asked, wiping a tear from my face, trying my best to look normal.

“I had to come back. I forgot my dad’s brownie order.”

I nodded, unable to stop my tears.  Nick took my hand in his, while I rested my head on his shoulder. “He can’t even tell me that he loves me. He came all the way here just to tell me that he was leaving for San Diego and that it was safe to go home.”

“Hope, I don’t have any kids so I can’t even imagine how either of you must feel. But he came here to see you so that tells me that he still feels something.”

I lifted my head and wiped my eyes. “I don’t know what to think anymore. I just wish I didn’t care so much. Oh god, I’m a complete mess!” I said, looking down at the mascara that was all over my hands from wiping my eyes.

“Well, you do look a little like a raccoon,” Nick joked.

I couldn’t help but smile. “I guess I’m not going to get out of explaining this one to my mom,” I said. 

Nick stood up and grabbed my hand, pulling me off the bench. “Come on. I’ll distract her while you go into the bathroom and take care of that mess on your face.”

“You’re such a good buddy, Abate, you know that?”

“So I’ve been told.”