18 Truths (41 page)

Taking his hand and laying his palm against my cheek, I said, “Well, now I’m sorry. I love you. Wanting to find Conner never changed that for me.”

“I know, and I wanted you to have that closure with him. That’s why I did all that nonsense with the poem in the courtyard.”

“You provided a distraction,” I cried out, sitting bolt upright. “So I could sneak in? Why?”

“Because I’d do anything for you. Because I love you with all my heart,” he answered in a voice much calmer than I felt. “I would never leave you, Olga, but I’m not sure if I know that about you.”

I felt the breath go out of me. “How can you even say that?”

“Because you did leave me. Look, there are just certain truths I believe in.” He ran a hand over his face, and then ticked the truths off his fingers. “I know we never know where life, even afterlife, might lead. I know God created you to do great things. I also know you’re still dealing with a lot of problems in your head and your heart right now, and I hope you’ll let me help you figure everything out. I’m so scared you’ll lose heart because of everything we’ve been through, and without heart, we have nothing. In our hearts is where God lives and where we keep our fondest memories, the ones that will always stay with us. I truly know my heart’s filled with nothing but you. Can you say the same?”

Even in the darkness, I could see the look on his face when I didn’t answer—surprise and hurt—and it made me want to throw up.

“I believe God orchestrates our paths to meet specific people along the way, and that He brought us together for a certain time in our lives.” Judging by his vulnerability, getting the next words out was difficult, but he rushed through them anyway. “I guess what I’m really trying to ask is do you believe that means me and you forever, or the purpose for our relationship has ended, and now you need to move on to write the next chapter of your life, afterlife… you know what I mean.”

Shaking my head, I offered a sad smile. “Nate, I don’t want to break up, but I also don’t know what to do. Just like when Conner told me he loved me, I didn’t know what to do.”

There was a long, awkward pause. I thought about the first day I met him at Dr. Judy’s office. He’d had perfect posture back then: shoulders back, straight neck, a warm hand extended, instantly trying to get to know me. Now he held his legs and knees together tightly, rocking back and forth, and I wondered if he regretted that eagerness he approached me with, that side of him that drew me in from day one. He hadn’t known when he introduced himself how much pain I would cause him.

“I don’t want to break up either. But”—he broke off and searched for my hand, like groping for a light switch in the darkness—“I don’t know what I’m trying to say to you. I just want to tell you I’m sorry, and I love you. Even if you want to be with Conner, nothing will ever change my love for you. If you ever need me, even if it’s just to talk to someone, about anything, I want you to.”

My heart beat so fast I found myself wishing I still had that tranq gun just so I could rest for a minute. “After that speech, I must be the stupidest girl in the world to not pick you here and now.”

He laughed. “You totally should. But as for being stupid, don’t say that. I’m the only one allowed to call you that.”

I snorted. “Jerk.”

He kissed me on the forehead. “Kidding. Seriously though, I’m here for you from now until forever.”

Squeezing him in a hug, I said, “Thanks, Nate, really. Speaking of forever, when do you think we’re getting out of here?”

ate scooped me into his lap and fastened his gaze on my face, daring me to look away. “You’re deflecting again, Olga. Please, just tell me the truth about how you feel. I can handle it.”

I bit my lip, thinking about what I wanted to say. “I don’t
want
to lie to you anymore, never did. Like Dr. Judy said, if we’d all just been truthful with one another, we wouldn’t be in this big mess. The truth is I’m in love with you, but brace yourself… I’m in love with Conner, too, and I have no idea how to choose between you. I know loving two people sounds insane, like I’m not really in love with either one of you, but I swear that I am. I also know I can only be with one of you, and I’ll break one heart in the process. But, no matter how badly we needed to clear the air tonight, I still think we should wait to hear our sentence before discussing the matter of us any further.”

Nate smiled unevenly. “Well, that would be convenient for you, wouldn’t it? Riel would swoop in and make the decision for you. Guess what? I’m not gonna let you take the easy way out this time. I want you to imagine that somehow, some way, you’re able to go someplace where you’re able to be around both Conner and me.” He grabbed my hand and pressed my palm over my chest, holding it there for a moment. “In your heart of hearts, who do you picture yourself being with?”

I stiffened, shocked at his sudden forwardness, but I also felt so much love for him. He was still so young, but before me sat a man with strong integrity, a guy any girl would be lucky to call her own. But I still didn’t feel up to making that decision right now.

“I don’t picture either of you.”

He squeezed his eyes shut. “I was afraid you’d say that if I pushed you.”

I hugged him close. “Nate, it’s just that I’m still trying to wrap my head around Satan trying to plant his evil spawn in me, and Dr. Judy’s history, and Grace being half archangel, and seeing Conner again, and getting stripped of our spirit guide titles, and the very real probability that we’ll be sent straight to Hell any minute now. I mean, no offense, but our little love triangle, or love pentagon if you consider the parts Grace and Riel played in our lives the past month… it just feels really trivial right now. I’m sorry if saying that hurts your feelings, but you wanted the truth.”

Lacing his fingers through mine, he said, “I guess we just think differently. To me, in the end, and this could very well be the end, all that matters is love, so nothing but us could be more important right now.” He cocked his head to the side. “You know, I remember the valedictorian of my graduating class gave this great speech, where she said life would have pain, but in the end love would be worth the pain. I know we haven’t arrived to the place where we’ve learned all the life lessons we need to.” He paused, then tapped the side of his head. “Well, maybe I have, because I do have the knowledge of God now.”

I wished I could shove him playfully, but I couldn’t move. My body felt frozen, because I knew where he was going with his speech. Nothing that happened to us as spirit guides voided out all the lessons we’d learned from our time in Limbo. The Beatles had it right when they sang
All You Need Is Love
. No matter what decision the Angel Council made, they couldn’t take away the love I felt for my two…
soul mates
? I’d used that term interchangeably to describe Nate and Conner during the past month. My love for both of them felt so strong, but only one could be my soul mate in the truest sense of the word. And in this moment, my heart pulled more toward Nate. A part of me thought the tug was weird because my heart belonged to Conner for so long, but honestly, Nate seemed like he loved me more than anybody. Maybe that was why I pushed him away before. We hurt the ones we love the most. None of these conclusions meant I was in the right frame of mind to make any decisions about my love life though.

“If you have the knowledge of God, then use it to tell me what our verdict will be.”

His brow furrowed. “We hit the play button on our lives a year ago, always moving forward and doing what we thought was right. It’s a choice we make every day, to live or die. Luckily, God isn’t ruled by emotions like us. He sees our heart and shows us mercy, even when we don’t deserve it.”

I tucked my head against his chest. “I sure hope so. Hey, you never even told me how you got into demon headquarters anyway. I thought after my confession about Conner, you’d walked out of my life for good.”

He gathered me more closely in the circle of his arms. “It took all of five minutes for me to think about things from your perspective. I mean, it still hurt to think of you kissing Conner. But you had some good points, and I did start to think about how I would feel and how I might behave if I lost my best friend who I was in love with for so many years, and I was the only person there to try to save their life and then was reunited with them after believing I’d never see them again. I knew I needed to find you. I didn’t know where the dead drop was taking place, but I was afraid you’d do something crazy like try to go back to Juvie. I went back to the portal and overheard Sam talking to a demon there. Sam was about to go meet you, and he explained the plan to kidnap you and Conner and throw you both in Hell. The demon Sam was with had already visited Juvie and spoken to Julia, who told him everything. I knew I didn’t have time to alert anyone, and I had to act fast. I approached them, explaining how you betrayed me, and I told them I wanted to come to the dark side.”

“Well, they do have cookies.”

He nuzzled me closer. “That’s true. But it was all just a story, of course. I didn’t want to reveal I was the one with the file in my head, and I didn’t want them to hurt you. So I told them how you had a photographic memory in the hopes they wouldn’t destroy you because they’d think they needed you.”

I smiled. “It was a good plan. Were you really the one who tortured Conner?”

He cupped the side of my face in his hand. “I didn’t want to. But I had to prove my loyalty to the demons, and I knew if I did the beating, I’d have control over how much he got hurt.”

A shudder ran through me. “Well, it looked like he got hurt quite a bit.”

His fingers traced a slow line along the bottom of my chin. “I’ll be honest. I was angry with him, but I never meant to hurt him that badly. Do you believe me?”

I thought of all my moments with Nate over the past thirteen months. Thirteen was said to be an unlucky number; was even the number of the sailboat Conner and I were on when the lightning struck him. But I felt like a lucky girl to have Nate in my life, and part of that was because of his honesty with me. “I’ll do you one better,” I whispered. “I’ll forgive you.”

He bent his head down, touching his forehead to mine and smiling. “Thank you.”

Suddenly, I remembered something I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten until now. “And you know who else forgives you? Bo.”

“What?” He scowled. “I never told you his name.”

“I know, but I met him in Juvie. Bo was Conner’s roommate.”

“What?” he repeated.

I nodded. “Listen, Nate. Bo doesn’t hold you responsible. He told me to tell you that there was nothing to forgive on his part because you weren’t to blame.”

Nate’s eyes shone. He put his hands over his mouth, like he was trying not to cry. “Are you just trying to make me feel better, or did he really say that?”

“He really said that. Bo doesn’t hold one ounce of anger toward you, I swear.”

He slumped against the wall, a slow smile spreading across his face. For the first time, Nate looked like he believed the truth of those words. In his happy tears, he shook like a child.

I put my arms around him for a long time, marveling at how God brought us around full circle. “What do you think happens to the Alpha File now? To those demons and Satan’s plans?”