Authors: Jolene Perry
“She said that you had sunstroke and missed your dinner with them, and that Jeff seemed a bit out of sorts, and I got the impression that she believes you two are still together.”
Silence.
Weird. There was no question.
“Jody?”
“Yes, Mom?” I try to keep the annoyance out of my voice.
“Are you two together?”
I sigh. “No.”
She sputters. “I’m in an incredibly awkward situation with a friend of mine. When did you plan on giving them this news?”
Her words grate on my insides. “It’s not really my job, Mom. Not only is Jeff the one who broke it off, but they’re
his
parents!”
“You don’t have to yell.” She sounds wounded. Mom’s expert at this.
“Sorry, Mom. Just…tired.” She’s expert enough that tiredness or made-up appointments are the only way to fight against her.
“Sun stroke, or is that a lie as well?”
I want to tell her about the ring and about how Jeff keeps trying to call me, and about
Liam
, but I can’t seem to find it in me to get the words out. Especially when I already know she won’t understand.
“I have no idea what Jeff said after I left, Mom.” I slump on my bed beyond tired.
This is a free evening, I should be doing something fun. Instead, I’m talking to my mom.
“I’m conc
erned because it’s rude to
walk out on someone during dinner.” Her voice is clipped.
“I’m about to be late for
night
swim
and I’m on guard duty
,” I lie. “Gotta run.”
She huffs and mumbles a few more things before we hang up.
“AAAHHHHHHH!” I scream before throwing my phone across the room.
It bounces onto my bed, and isn’t nearly as satisfying as I imagined.
Someone knocks.
“I’m not in the mood,” I snap.
“
Kay-Kay
needs us.”
Sam
pushes open my door.
Kay-Kay
’s balled up on her bed, looking paler than I’ve ever seen her.
No words. No invites.
Sam
and I crawl in and sandwich her.
“What’s up?” I ask.
“Craziest, craziest thing,” she whispers. “He has an ex-wife. Can you believe it? Irene’s daughter. He was married. Like someone got him before me.”
“Or several someones, because he may be old, but damn he’s hot.” Only
Sam
.
“So… I don’t think that’s the real mess,” I say.
Kay-Kay
shakes her head. “She’s dying in a hospice near here.”
“Oh, God.”
Sam
snuggles in deeper.
“And… I think tonight I turned him down. Like all summer I’ve been after him, but when it came to it, I had to walk away. I couldn’t do it when he wanted
solace
. Is it awful that I want more than that?”
I sit straight up. “No! Of course you need more than that. Sex is a huge. Huge. Deal.”
Sam
scoffs. “Not that big of a deal.”
My whole upper body goes hot. “Well. It is to some people.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” They both turn to me, eyes intent.
“What?”
“Are you a virgin?”
“I’m not talking about this.” But they’ll know as soon as they see my red face.
They both give me a weird look.
“You’re twenty-one! How does that happen?”
Kay-Kay
laughs
through her tears
.
“Oh. Jo.”
Sam
shakes her head. “That guy behind the bar would take you in two seconds, and I might pay money to see that man naked.”
“I totally would,”
Kay-Kay
chimes in.
I flop back down. “I can’t just…sleep with him.”
“Why the hell not?” They both ask at the same time.
I cover my face with both arms. “Because I’m me.”
“He would be the perfect man to deflower you.”
Kay-Kay say
s.
“We’re not talking about this!” I’m going to actually die of embarrassment. The first person ever to not survive humilia
tion. “And no one says deflower.
”
“With you. We use deflower.”
Kay-Kay
’s laughing so hard I can barely understand her words
, which I guess is better than a crumpled mess of tears
.
“Well, I wish I could be you for one night and sleep with him.”
Sam
nudges my arm so I know she’s teasing.
I’m trying to bury my face deeper into the mattress.
“We’re a fine mess, aren’t we?”
Kay-Kay
laughs a little as they both flop back.
“Something like that,”
Sam
says.
“And no more giving me crap,” I say.
And we lie together in silence. Because sometimes, you’ve said all you need to say and
being there is enough.
“Deflower,”
Kay-Kay
whispers.
And we break into another round of hysterics. I have a serious love/hate relationship with these girls.
For the next
four days
I keep to myself. Organize the camper schedule to perfection, and stay away from the Little Minnow. I’m exhausted because I’ve been over-working myself every day. And also tired because I’ve been thinking too hard about
Liam
, what he might want, what I might want.
There’s a knock at my cabin door, and I freeze.
“I brought you food.”
Liam
.
My heart sprints.
Liam
brought food. To me. He sure didn’t waste any time. I
search for
a small mirror, but realize it’s probably better not to know what I look like after chasing campers all day.
I jerk open the door and melt a little at his smile and the two bags of food he’s holding.
“
Um. Wow. We could eat in the Crow’s Nest. It’s this empty room above the dining hall.”
He winks at me and my stomach flips. “Empty, eh?”
I step
around him and the two of us walk in silence to the Crow’s Nest. Evening activity is happening and there’s no one around. I lead him in, but once
he’s inside, I wonder if I want to be in this close of quarters with him.
“
Actually, maybe we should eat downstairs or somewhere outside. There’s lots of picnic spots,”
I offer.
His eyes are everywhere, maybe trying to take in
the
surroundings
of what is essentially a small bedroom
.
“Yeah. Sure.”
He puts both bags in one hand and touches my cheek with his fingertips. “Ye’ve had a rough day.”
My whole bo
dy quivers
from that one simple touch. “Something like that.”
He drapes his arm over my shoulders, and I stiffen. He gives me a squeeze. “Relax, Jody. I’m not after you. Sometimes we run into people just because we need someone right then. I’m not asking for any more than friendship.”
I relax and let the weight of his arm pull me into him. With his hard body against mine, I know I want more from him, but it’s too soon for me. I’ve been wrapped up in the wrong person for too long, and that doesn’t seem like something I’d do, but I did do it.
And as far as I’ve come,
I’m still reeling
a bit
from the situation.
“Well…
” he says, “
I’m not after more than friendship.
Yet
.”
I chuckle and he gives me another friendly squeeze, kissing my temple and sending ripples through my body.
We
take the food and opt to
walk about a mile up the trail that circles the lake
. We sit at the top of the hill;
a perfect spot where we can see almost everything, but no one can see us.
Liam
pulls out two
burgers, and neither of us says
anything. We eat in silence. It’s the weird awkward kind at first, but it turns comfortable.
“Care to share?” he finally asks.
“I don’t know what
’s wrong with me,” I say as I pu
ll on a few blades of grass between us. My conversation with the girl
s
and how scared I am, how I made it to twenty-one without having sex, even though I didn’t even intend for it to be that way.
All of it whips around my head.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean. Why can’t I just
be
?” Like right now. I’m staring at this gorgeous man. Really. Model beautiful. And I can’t enjoy it. I’m to
o busy thinking and dissecting…
and being afraid of what he might want from me. How I might screw it up since I know nothing about
being
with someone.
He’s silent and watching me with kind eyes.
“
Kay-Kay had
this crazy
childhood
. Her parents are complete douche-bags. It’s amazing
Sam
’s not locked up somewhere, and still, they’re out there living, and I feel like I’m watching from the sidelines. After the way Jeff threw me, it’s like I’ve lost my footing.”
“Bill mentioned him.”
Liam
wipes his hands on a napkin before adjusting to see me better. “He seems a bit too…nerdy, for someone like you.”
“I used to drink in high school, and it never ended well. Jeff was safe. Made me feel safe. Made it okay that I’m so care
ful with the way I live my life now.
”
“Makes sense.”
I nod. “It’s that our families are so connected, and I know I can be stubborn, and opinionated, and—”
“Says the girl wearing the
Girls Rule
T-shirt.” He smiles
. “But I like that about you. Anyone should. It’s part of who you are.”
I glance down and smile because it’s sort of a profound, yet simple statement. “My parents expect a lot, but they’re not bad people. I’ve never had anything horribly traumatic happen to me, but God I can’t let go. Not even when I want to. I don’t get it. It’s like life is right here.
Right here
. I’m supposed to be
in
it, and I’m not. I’m watching and going through the motions and that’s bullcrap, and I don’t know why I’m letting that happen or why I’m watching instead of taking control and doing something.”
His breath hits my face, making my heart skip and my stomach squeeze.
Instead of answering, his lips press into mine.
My body quakes. I don’t know him. He is not safe. This is a bad idea. His lips part slightly and without thinking, I part mine too, letting out a soft moan at how incredible he feels.
Just as his tongue slides in my mouth I jerk away. I can’t do this. I scoot from him and hold my head in my hands, trying to breathe.
What just happened? Why did I stop it?
He shifts away from me. “Sorry, Jody. God. I didn’t mean…”
But what the hell’s wrong with me? I told
Kay-Kay
to just go for it, and now I can’t? She has a lot more to lose than I do. She’s totally gone over Alex and the odds of that working out are… not good. She’s still moving forward.
Pushing
forward. Hard. Or that’s the way it seems.
“I know you want us to be friends. I want us to be friends. You just… You have so much to say, and I love what you have to say…” He reaches out a hand, which I scoot away from.
What about
Sam
—
T
ake the summer
.
Be wild. Just because you like someone doesn’t mean you nee
d to be picking out china. E
njoy
yourself
.
But as I look at
Liam
who should be with someone so different than me, and think about Jeff and my parents and school and Ireland and all the millions of things that hang in the air between us, and I can’t stay.
“I’m so sorry.” I stand up and leave
him
alone on the edge of the lake.
Chapter Twenty
“You
left
him out there?”
Kay-Kay
smacks the back of my head.
“Ow.” I rub my head, which is still sweaty from my morning run. I may have overdone the distance a bit today in an attempt to forget about last night.