Yours for Eternity: A Love Story on Death Row (28 page)

I actually called your mother and told her the hearing was cancelled. I must be very lucid today—I feel like doing things.

*

I’ve missed you horribly today. I know I say that in every letter—but I do. I miss you so much in every letter.

Your wife,

Lorri

September 18, 2002

My dearest,

I forgot to tell you, I got that book
Dear Scott, Dearest Zelda
—the love letters of F. Scott Fitzgerald and his wife, Zelda Fitzgerald. I have always liked her—it’ll be fun to read, but sad. She spent much of their life together in a sanatorium. She was schizophrenic. But she was so lovely and very smart and creative. It’ll be a good read.

I would hate it if anyone ever published our letters!! Ha ha, can you imagine?! There would be 5,000 of them! Probably 7,000 in all!

Your wife,

Lorri

October 1, 2002

My Lovely Monkey,

This prison life is killing me. As soon as I wake up, I need a nap, and there are 100 and 1 little aches and pains scattered throughout my body that are just bad enough to annoy and make me uncomfortable. Like my knees. I’m getting old very quickly. All the concrete, steel, and stupidity is just sucking the life right out of me. All my chi and youth. I need ankle-deep shag carpeting and paneled walls, window-unit air conditioners, dark rooms and blue lightbulbs, soft black clothes and hair on my head. Then slowly, the process would stop.

Monkey bread. That’s what you took to your little party. A fresh baked loaf of monkey bread. Last night I kept smiling to myself, thinking of you on Friday wanting me to just sit and hold your little foot up, just suspended in the air while you played. And your little instructions of “Don’t do anything, just hold it there and let me be safe.” Every time I think of it, it nearly kills me.

They’re training a new mail woman this morning. If I’m not mistaken, I think they said it’s the real mail woman, from the post office in Tucker. I guess we’ll just have to see how it’s going to work out. I still wish they’d just keep the one who’s been doing it.

I just had a lunch of fried chicken and blueberry cake. I’m so exhausted, I believe I’m going to have to take a nap. And I haven’t even done anything today. I must finish this book. And write to the
abbess, and Terry and Theresa. Among others. It’s a hard day not doing work calls. I miss you terribly.

I am yours forever.

D.

p.s. The phone is broken. Just in case they don’t get it fixed tonight, I wanted to make sure you know.

October 2, 2002

Dearest,

I went to the [Arkansas Coalition to Abolish the Death Penalty] meeting today. I’m supposed to meet with Frank King
*
about the meeting with Norris over some of these things. They may have to file another lawsuit. I’m more than ready to work on it. They were pretty nice at the meeting, and Freddie Nixon told me she has been hearing horrible things as well. Maybe we can actually accomplish something.

Your wife,

Lorri

October 3, 2002

My loveliest monkey,

There’s a tree frog taking a sunbath on my window. He looks like it’s about time to hibernate. For some reason it reminds me of last night—there was one single star in the sky that was bright enough for me to see it through my window. A very rare thing. With all the spotlights and filth caked up on the window. When I saw it, I was amazed.

*

I must do a work call today. “Operator, please put me through to the monkey house.”

I love you,

D.

October 5, 2002

Dearest,

I get so anxious sometimes—I feel like getting you out of there is just around the corner (like Halloween) but I want it now. You would think after (almost) 8 years, I would have learned patience.

Things are changing down there. I could really feel it yesterday. I hope they get so much better for you guys.

Your wife,

L.

December 5, 2002

My lovely anniversary monkey,

Lorri, I don’t want you to volunteer to help with those Christmas sacks. I don’t want you to see back here. I don’t want everyone leering at you, and I don’t want you to see these cages. Not so much for yourself, because I know you can handle it. But for me. It’s bad enough with you having to see me in this environment when we’re together—but back here, the way it is—that’s 100 times worse.

*

3 years married, little thing. That doesn’t really mean anything because we should be celebrating 6 years. We should have just gotten married as soon as we met. I can feel the thread.

Happy anniversary, my beautiful wife,

Damien

January 13, 2003

Dearest Damien,

No word yet from the
Dr. Phil
folks; it’s still early out there, though.
*
Gwynne was going to watch the documentaries over the weekend. I wrote a draft of the letter to Johnny Depp, and heard from Joe about coming to Arkansas. He says he thinks it’s a very good idea. I only wish we could all meet together. You should meet with them first.

I feel much better today, not so frustrated as I did over the weekend. Things feel almost back to normal, more manageable.

*

Something has to happen, we have to figure it out. You have to help me.

I love you so much. I can just feel there is another way of doing this . . .

I love you,

L.

January 15, 2003

My love,

You must calm down, Lorri. Working yourself up into such a frenzy isn’t going to help either of us. Everything will soon be as it should be. I’ve allowed things to get too far out of my control—once upon a time, those
Dr. Phil
people would have come and asked me. Now everyone goes to the lawyers or to the website or to Mara Leveritt. No one even bothers to ask me anymore. That has to be fixed.

Yours forever,

D.

February 4, 2003

Dearest,

A girl from Seattle came here today to help with the bike master plan. We started talking and she knew all about the WM3 through Eddie Vedder. She was amazed that you weren’t out of prison yet. See, if we don’t keep things out there, people just think they have been taken care of.

I love you, beautiful,

L.

March 5, 2003

My lovely one,

Every week at practice you have to do the Kwan Seum Bosals for me to get out of here so we can be together. I’ll try to remind you every week.

They started passing out razors that won’t cut anything again. They’re trying to save money. They won’t cut, but then they take it out on us for not shaving. If they don’t go back to the others, I’ll have to go see the doctor about getting a doctor’s order for not shaving.

Those lawyers make me nervous. I just don’t trust them at all. Now that they’ve stopped answering at all, there’s no telling what they might do. I really hope those other lawyers want to come on the case. Someone who actually wants to work.

I love you,

D.

March 19, 2003

Dearest,

I hate it that you are so stressed. I really have to watch it, because my heart can hurt so much sometimes, just thinking of what you have to endure in there. I find myself getting so angry at how much time everything takes, and then it does no good. I’m trying to deal with it all better.

I just wish things were better in there.

At least they got “Healthy Choice” ice cream!

Nicole said in a note that her first order of business is getting us to sleep better at night—and the second order is getting us to sleep together at night!! I liked that very much.

I miss you so much.

Your wife,

L.

March 25, 2003

My lovely one,

I’m so exhausted. It’s seeped into my bones, and saturated every muscle in my body. It’s an almost constant feeling these days, making me miserable. I just can’t get enough rest, and it messes up everything else. Lorri, when I’m sleeping, you better not mess with me. Pestering and waking me up. I mean it, I need my rest. I feel like an old man. As if I should be bundled up, sitting next to a fireplace, dozing. It scares me, wondering how it’ll be at the age of 50, 60, or 70, if it’s already like this now.

I love you,

D.

April 1, 2003

My lovely one,

Lorri, I loved, dearly loved listening to you get ready for bed last night. That is something I will never, ever forget.

I love you,

D.

May 7, 2003

My loveliest,

The letters to Domini and Seth went out this morning. It’s hard for me to write to Seth, because I never know what he’ll understand and what he won’t. I told him that we both have to be good because our actions reflect on each other. That we must behave with honor, so that others who know us can’t say anything bad about us, and we can each have pride—he in his father, me in my son. I know it’s hard to think of such things when you’re young and things aren’t going like you want, but that’s when being strong comes in. I really do think he should be enrolled in something like a children’s martial arts class. Something to teach him the discipline that those around him lack.

I love you, little lotus,

D.

May 15, 2003

My lovely thing,

Last night I dreamed I was out somewhere and was attacked by that guy that always runs at me in court. He grabbed me from behind, and I was furious, because I kept thinking, “When is this shit ever going to end?” He tried to spray some kind of acid in my ear and I started doing everything I could to cripple him for life—smash his knees, break his arms—I can’t remember the end of it.

*

I hate all of these people here so much. Inmates and guards both. I’m so sick of having to deal with them, of even having to speak to them. In 6 months, the DNA testing will be at least partially completed. Even if it doesn’t get us out, it’ll still be another hole in their bullshit to build on.

Lorri, you have no idea how proud of you I am. When you talk to people like that newswoman and they see how smart you are, how beautiful you are. I know everyone is always amazed to see me with such a woman. I definitely married up and everyone knows it.

I love you forever,

D.

May 22, 2003

Dearest,

I got a letter from you yesterday saying you “married up.” Hah!! We are both the same, if anything I married up!! My dad is so proud of you. He asks about you every time he calls. He asked how old you were going to be at your next birthday. I said, “29”—he said, “He’s probably the most mature 29-year-old you’ll ever know!” I laughed and said he didn’t know—you were a baby. He didn’t laugh! Ha ha ha!!

I sat down last night and got all my financial stuff straightened out. It felt good to do it. I still have some work on the defense fund, but I’ll figure it out.

I love you horribly,

L.

October 14, 2003

Dearest,

Too close—you and your visitor are getting too close. He has no idea what “close” is. And the ridiculousness of such a statement, “You and your wife are getting too close.” It’s so ridiculous I can hardly bear to give it any more thought, other than to laugh at it.

I love you, beauteous,

L.

November 18, 2003

Dear Monkus Minimus,

Lorri, these lawyers are scaring me. I can feel it in my bones that they’re messing up. They have one year to get my appeal before the federal court, yet they’re going to be spending the next 6 months resubmitting it to the Arkansas court system. It doesn’t sound right to me. I can’t even call to find out what’s going on. I need a new lawyer. I’ve been asking everyone here and they all say that after the Rule 37 was denied they went into federal court. I don’t think they know what they’re doing.

Lorri, even during the stress I love you so much my heart hurts.

I am yours forever,

Damien

December 4, 2003

My lovely wife,

It’s our anniversary! It doesn’t seem like there’s any way that it could be 4 years now. There would have to be lots of treats today. I would get you one of those giant chocolate chip cookies and would have “happy anniversary” on it. You would also have a bundle of helium balloons with pictures of cavorting creatures on them, and attached to colorful ribbons. There would be all sorts of lingerie and shoes of the high-heeled variety for presents and maybe a few items from the sub-shop.
*
There will be no tailless cats spilling protein drinks, but there will be lots of business. I’m terribly messed up today. I’ve been constantly looking at a picture of you today, where you’re wearing tight jeans and have all your makeup on. I fear you would have to have an anniversary ass smacking.