Yours for Eternity: A Love Story on Death Row (24 page)

I like that she wrote you, though. My whole family is going to just love you. Even my grandmother, Dolls. She calls black people “gumdrops” or “jiggaboos.” Her birthday was yesterday and as usual, I forgot. I’m already on her blacklist.

Forever yours,

L.

April 28, 1999

My love,

I am extremely pleased to have gotten this letter from your sister. I will send it to you as soon as I have responded to it. You leave her alone about those stories, because I’ll have them. She said you warned her not to. I demand that you leave her be. I’m very excited about writing to her.

And yes, sweet, grubby little thing, I am very excited about being married to you. I can’t wait for it. Once you put that ring on my hand, I will never, ever take it back off. I want to be married to you. It gives me butterflies in my stomach.

I love you, sweetness,

D.

May 19, 1999

My beautiful Damien,

By the by, I looked up that guy who asked me to go hiking in the phone book—no! not “hiking in the phone book”—I looked up his name in the phone book, I called him and told him why I didn’t want to go hiking with him, lest he thought I was being coy—he laughed and said he appreciated the call—then he said—well, he can go hiking, too!! And I said, well, not at the moment, no, and if he doesn’t go, I don’t go. I’m glad I did it, it felt good. Things should be clear—it feels better when they are—just like when I told my parents about us. It just feels better.

And Damien, I really do want to know about all of the people who write or send gifts. I promise I’ll remember to tell you of any “incidents” that I have. It really doesn’t happen often; most of the men think I’m “off-limits” or something, or I don’t “fit right”—even the “hike guy” was from upstate New York. At least I don’t have shrines on the Internet!

I love you,

Lorri

May 25, 1999

My lovely one,

I am really excited about doing the second half of
Paradise Lost
. This is my chance to talk about you. This will be perfect. This will be as it should be. You must talk to Bruce and Joe about sneaking in with them. It would be easy.

I love you,

D.

May 26, 1999

My beautiful Damien,

Bruce and Joe called me today. They asked about the wedding, offered their congratulations (civilized people, at last). They asked if they could film it! I didn’t even hesitate and I’m sorry, my love, for not consulting you first, but I said “no.” They said, “Somehow we are not surprised you said that!” Then they asked if I wanted to come down for the filming and I said, “Yes, of course.” They said they are coming the second week of June.

I get nervous when I think of it, but I am excited for you.

Forever yours,

Lorri

June 2, 1999

My Lorri,

I didn’t get a letter from you today. I got one from everyone in the world, except for you. I will have one tomorrow, I know. And so will you. And then I see you in just one day.

I am yours forever,

D.

June 18, 1999

My beautiful Damien:

I have been thinking all evening how after we were talking about the judge’s decision and all . . . and you said, “I guess it’s not time for me to come out of here yet.” (I’m sure I didn’t phrase that correctly). You make me want to cry sometimes. I love you so much—I hurt tonight, I am in physical pain because of you.

I love you beyond measure,

Lorri

June 1999

My Dearest,

Reading [
Blood of Innocents
] made me think about something. Damien, it’s horrible the way they write about you, attaching your thoughts to the character in that book. There was the part about your physical attractiveness to women, there was a part where it says, “You began to realize the attractiveness of your sister.” That was very strange. It’s such a weird little blot.

But there were definitely parts that I recognized. Things you said that were a part of your mental health records—the part when you went to the hospital—and began to feel comfortable there . . . I know all of that. So it was strange coming across things that were familiar and things that were completely foreign to me.

*

At night, when I am lying in my bed, I like to look over at you next to me. I always talk to you—I used to just send my words out into the night—the color of it was always the same—but now I see you next to me. It has changed. I do it every night. We can talk about anything, and that’s exactly how it is . . . we just start talking. Sometimes the light is on and I can see you plainly. Other times, I wait til all the lights are out—’cause I like to think of being with you in bed when all of the lights are out.

*

When we are married, we can have a joint bank account! I like to think of those things. Damien, there is so much I want to do with
you. So very, very much. And don’t you be snarling at the thought of having a bank account. It can actually work very well. We’ll have no keeping our money in a jar out in the yard.

*

Damien, I want to send a gift to Seth—can we do that? I want him to know us, I would love to have him come stay with me. I would do all kinds of things with him. I’d bring him with me to come visit you—I’d make food for him.

I love you, beautiful one,

L.

July 27, 1999

My lovely,

Sometimes, I wonder what things must be like out there for you. It must be so different than in here. I can’t even begin to imagine it. It’s too alien to me.

*

Lorri, I learn more every day. The point is not to feel nothing. The point is to feel everything. When I am angry, I must become the anger. I must erase any dividing line between myself and the anger. That’s the way. You have to monitor your every thought, and realize that that’s exactly what they are—only thoughts, not the truth. We fight because we both think our thoughts are the truth. The goal is not to stop thinking, but realize exactly what we are thinking, and realize that we are indeed thinking. That is enlightenment. No one can always do it, but the more we practice, the more we can do it. There’s a huge difference between someone that does it most of the time and someone who hardly does it at all.

Another thing is that the reason we get into any type of relationship is because of selfishness—we want something from it. That’s not bad. That’s OK. When the other person in the relationship doesn’t do or give us exactly what we want, we get angry or sad, and try to change them. Like when people say they need to “learn to communicate better.” What they mean is, “I want you to understand what I want from you.” It’s OK to realize that no one can ever always do what we want 100% of the time. See, that’s
why you get upset when I say to you that “I can’t” do something. That’s the last thing you want to hear, because it tells you that you won’t always get what you want. And you were right. Because I do act like a baby when you show weakness, because it’s not what I want. I always want you to be so strong, above everything, where nothing but me can touch you. Then when I hear you cry about something else, my feelings get hurt. And why do my feelings get hurt? Because I don’t get exactly what I want. Lorri, the key is practice. We have to pay attention to our thoughts. There’s no magick cure to fix everything up. It takes time and practice. And I am willing. Hell, I have no choice.

I am yours,

Damien

August 6, 1999

Damien,

I was thinking about the top 5 reasons why you are still a baby. There are many reasons—but these are the top 5. They may change daily—but some of them include:

1. You still watch
Spider-Man

2. You eat a medley of salty treats for dinner

There are more, but not right now.

3. You still get carsick

4. You cry at
Montel Williams

Damien! You are so sweet. And yet you speak all day in the nastiest way—even more than Gene Perry! I know you’re capable of it, too. It’s nastiness. I would give anything to be able to listen to you all day without you knowing it. I’m not surprised at all, I know you have that part of you—it’s the nasty side of you. It is very much a part of you. And like everything else, I am very, very attracted to it—because I want to know what is all there. Where it comes from, and I want to hear what all of those guys get to hear every day. No matter how nasty it is.

Love,

L.

August 19, 1999

My lovely one,

You may have to call this chaplain, because I didn’t know your work phone number. I gave them the home number, so he’ll be calling on my phone line. I feel like we’re so much closer to being married now. It became a lot more concrete for me today, filling out those papers. We’re going to be married! It’s going to put a little more of a barrier between us and everything else. I’m so in love with you, my beautiful one. I want to wear a ring that you put on my hand. Once you slide it on my finger, I will never, ever take it off again. It will be the mark for the world to see that I belong to you. You’ll have to make a copy of that wedding license for me, so I can look at it all the time. You have to put the real one in a frame and hang it in the living room, so that everyone who walks in the door will see it. You will be my wife, you beautiful little animal.

I love you,

Damien

October 18, 1999

My dearest,

Well my dear, what I have really not wanted to ever do—is going to have to be done. I’m going to have to ask for money—borrow money from someone—the question is—who? I cannot survive anymore on what I have and I don’t want my credit to be ruined—if we ever wanted to buy a house or anything, we wouldn’t be able to—I can’t even pay my bills anymore. It really is that bad and I have to face up to it. Depending on how the phone bill comes in, we may have to cut back even more. I need to keep the phone bill at $400, as opposed to $700 or $800.

I know it sounds awful, but we just have to do it and I have to come to terms with what my life is turning into—I don’t want to be constantly worrying about money, it’s not good—and instead of complaining about it, we fix it. That’s all.

Actually, who I should ask for money is David—he owes me money from when we were together. He’ll give it to me, too. I don’t want to ask my parents—or Linda and Mara—actually, I could ask Lucy—she would help!

I’ve been very, very foolish. But I still don’t regret a minute I’ve ever spent on the phone with you. And it’s not that bad—I just can’t finagle my way out of it any longer. I feel better already, just accepting it. I can pay it all back within the year.

And then, maybe we’ll get the money from Bruce and Joe—you should call Ed Mallett and ask about that this week.

I love you, beautiful,

L.

November 12, 1999

My dearest:

I had the strangest dreams all night. I dreamed I was put into prison and I was so scared, because I didn’t know how I was going to talk to you. They took away my clothes and made me wear a big baggy dress and they cut all of my hair off. I somehow kept a dress of my own with me and put it on at one point—but was scared of what they would do to me. The food was good, though—they had a wonderful apple pie. The main thing was the separation from you. It was unbearable—then I got a letter!! And it was the same mail lady as you have there.

That dream lasted all night! Even when I would wake from it, it would resume.

Forever,

L.

December 6, 1999

My Love,

I am still in awe of the fact that we are now actually married. It was the most wonderful, magickal thing I’ve ever experienced. Lorri, it was a miracle how everything just happened so perfectly, with no flaws. I never thought it would have gone so wonderfully. I just wish that everyone could have come. Every single person at that reception should have been there.
*
And they can be, when we do it again. Lucy definitely has to do the ceremony again next time, too. She was great. Lorri, I’m so thankful for everything that everyone has done, the way people have gathered around and been so supportive. This really was a perfect wedding ceremony. I cannot stop thinking of how beautiful you were, and how happy you looked standing there looking into my eyes. You’re so perfect, my beautiful monkey. You are the most exquisite thing. You deserve everything, my lovely one. This marriage was the result of eons of good karma. I want to write to everyone and tell them how wonderful it was, and how happy I am. I can’t wait to get that portrait of you.

I loved your wedding dress, beautiful one. It was so perfect, so beautiful. There’s nothing in the world more beautiful than you, or that can even come close to comparing. You are my heart, my life, and my love. You are my world. I cannot stop looking at my wedding ring, playing with it. I’ve already written to Randi, and told her about it, how you inscribed “To my beloved” in it. Lorri, that makes my heart soar.

I’m glad that Shelley was able to be there, because she works with you every day. That way you two can still talk about it at work. That’s the greatest thing. I want you to be able to talk about it every day. Lover, it would have broken my heart if you wouldn’t have had that reception, all those people around you. I’m so thankful for all of them. They’ve been great. And I’m really glad that Cally-rat was there. It would have even been nice to have Douglas there. Lorri, I really think you should have invited David to the reception. It would have been OK.

I think Julie and I may actually get along. Out of everyone that you know, I think she would be the only one that could actually become my friend, too. I just don’t think that’s possible with the hen club, and most likely not with Susan. I think I started to like Julie when I heard her get mad and say, “Fuck that shit.”

I really wish it could have worked out so that I could’ve talked to Jason. That would’ve been so great. But I have no idea what I would have said.

I have finished my weekly push-ups now. And I’m almost through the Hank Williams book. It hurts my heart—I think I could have saved him. I even learned something I didn’t know—his wife put out a couple of records, and he was friends with Jack Ruby, the guy who shot Oswald.