Yours for Eternity: A Love Story on Death Row (25 page)

I can’t wait to talk to you tonight, beautiful one. I can’t get close enough to you. I want to hold you again. We have to get contact visits.

I love you, my wife,

Damien

December 7, 1999

My beloved Damien:

Lucy called early this morning—looks like we made the front page. Ha ha ha, I don’t even care ’cause it’s done and we don’t have to worry about anything. Yay!!

I’m just so happy. I still am!! I always will be.

Burk sent another $75 for the phone fund. Those guys spent a lot of money. I sent him a note.

I’m also sending a letter from Cally that made me laugh so much.

*

People on the website are going wild about the article in the paper. It’s quite a bit of fodder for them.

I love you, beautiful. I miss you so much. Everyone keeps asking how you are doing and I say he’s happy just like me.

Don’t you feel calm? I do.

*

Damien, you have made me so very happy. Soon you will be with me. I can feel it.

I love you.

Your wife,

Lorri

December 9, 1999

My beloved,

I just had a guy come down here and harass me about marrying you. I was surprised, I just kept my calm and said, “The truth will come out.”

He was a complete ass.

My supervisor Mark was completely charming and said, “John, you should show some respect.”

Well, there will always be people like that, all I can do is ignore it.

I just wrote a letter to the warden thanking him and his staff.

*

The rumor mill is spinning here at work. Everyone is gossiping about us!!

Forever,

Lorri

December 22, 1999

My lovely one,

Tomorrow is the big day. It’s still hard to believe that we’ll get to be together, touching, for 3 full hours. By this time tomorrow night, we’ll have already experienced it and be counting down the days until next time. This makes it feel like tomorrow is Friday. You are confusing my internal clock. It’s just a few more hours away, beautiful one.

I love you, my beautiful wife,

D.

December 23, 1999

My beloved Damien:

Words cannot begin to describe what I am feeling. I am joyful—I feel my whole life has suddenly been given to me. I love you so very much, the memory of your touch is sublime. Damien, you are magnificent. You are everything. You knocked on the table and said, “This is it,” but I couldn’t have been more in the moment. The whole time I was with you was 100 times more than seeing a movie. I’ve realized lately that seeing movies was for me meditation. It always has been—I would sit in the first row completely still and I would be completely in the moment the whole time the movie was on—there was nothing else in my mind other than what was before me. But being with you yesterday was “it” for me. I was just there—with you. That is all.

Oh, how I love you, how I am so completely happy. I find I cannot even tell people because it is so magickal and beautiful and it makes me value what we have a hundred times more. All the love I feel for you erases feelings of anger and pettiness—never have I been so happy. I feel I am with you. I could smell you all night. I didn’t want to take a shower.

*

All in time, my sweet husband—all in time. I am so calm, yet my heart is so full—and I am thinking of you constantly.

Damien, I am not alone—ever. You are always with me. So when you think of Christmas and me being by myself—I am not by
myself—it’s just like any other day to me—full of love from you. I can’t help it, but I find myself anxious for the next Wednesday.

I am at work, and just now getting ready to leave—I get to leave at 3:00. I can’t wait to talk to you.

I love you,

Your wife—Lorri

December 29, 1999

My love,

I got a short note from Kobutsu today. It was very short because he was leaving to go to Trinidad. A guy there is about to be executed, and they’re going to hang him. I didn’t know they still practiced hanging as a form of execution. It’s scary to think about.

*

This Zen book I’ve been reading is very good. It has stories from all the old masters in it—one actually chopped off one of his student’s fingers in order to help him reach satori. Another student said something that gave me a delicious little shiver down my spine. His master asked him, “What is Zen-mind?” And he responded by saying, “An enormous black sphere hurtling through a moonless night.” And that is what it feels like! Then his master told him to rephrase his answer, and he responded, “I am having noodles for lunch.” So the teacher accepted his answer as genuine. Pure Zen.

I love you, my beautiful one,

Damien

January 11, 2000

My Lovely,

I think that only recently have I adapted to be able to handle the way you can twist and turn me emotionally so fast and quickly. In the beginning, I don’t think I was equipped to handle it, which contributed to the agony I was going through. Now you just make me squirm, thrash, grunt, and say, “I can’t take it.” One minute you will have me so in heat, throbbing, then the next second I can’t stop laughing because of monkey spit and you protecting sex with knives and claws, turning things into “dead meat.” Then you will say something so sweet my heart feels like it will swell and burst with love for you, and I’ll just want to wrap my arms around you and not let anything touch you. And there are a million other things—like how I thrash when you talk about the hens, or bristle when I hear anything from the past. And every single one of these things can happen in a 10-minute phone call. In the beginning it was almost an overload. Now I just go with it, loving every second of it. Lorri, there is not another thing like you in the entire universe. I am so blessed to have you. I can never, ever let go of you. You are everything, beautiful one.

I am yours forever,

Damien

January 12, 2000

My lovely one,

I’ve been thinking of something, and I want to do it. I’m going to live in this cell as if it is a monastery. Every single day, I will sit 3 times, for at least 30 minutes at a time, I will go through all the daily service in the sutra book every single day—things like the chants before and after meals, every day, and do Kwan Seum Bosals every day. I want to do more. I’m going to talk to Kobutsu about it, see what he advises. Lorri, I’ve been thinking about my death lately. Not so much death itself, just the aftereffects and such. What I mean is, that if something were ever to happen to me, I want you to still pursue this path with unmoving, single-minded concentration. We can’t ever stop. You would still be doing it for the both of us. That’s all.

I have a small shrine or altar here now. I want you to know everything. On it, I have a sheet for an altar cloth, one of those fold-out Buddhas, and 3 different cards with deities on them, the sutra book, the Dhammapada, the Diamond Sutra, both of my malas, my refuge sash, and a glass of water. You must know everything I am doing.

I am yours for eternity,

Damien

January 13, 2000

My love,

Sometimes, I wonder how you would act if you were in this situation. Like, who in here would you talk to, what you would talk about, what you would watch on TV, what you would do outside, how you would behave in court, what you would eat, what you would buy from the store. Then sometimes I try to act like you, or what I think you would do in that particular instant. I’m so very thankful that you never have or ever will have to be in a situation like this. You are far too regal, and dignified. You are so far above anything in here.

I love you, my beautiful wife. Nothing in this world compares to your goodness.

I am yours forever,

Damien

January 18, 2000

My beloved,

Did you see the 17-year locust stamp?

Remember when I put that story under your stamps? You were just a baby, then. And you still are.

I love you,

L.

January 27, 2000

My lovely one,

I’ve been very lucky in my life, and I’m so thankful for you. You are my heart. Something is happening to my brain. Everyone in the world is dead and there’s a crack in me. I’ll never be scared or nervous to go to court again, because the person on trial does not even exist. Neither does Brent Davis, Burnett, Gitchell, Domini, those 3 boys, or Mark Byers. Everyone died a million breaths ago. Even places can die. It all only lasts for a few minutes anyway. People don’t know shit. I’m not worried though.

I love you,

D.

March 2000

My dearest,

We watched the movie
*
last night and everyone was so shocked about how blatant it was about John Mark Byers. My mom thinks Melissa Byers committed suicide, but they all think Byers did it. They thought you were very handsome.

*

On the email list I have become “as bad as one of those women who married Ted Bundy or Ramirez.” Idiots. I am going to make up a new “alias” name so I can “burn” people if I need to. Ah ha ha ha!! You leave me alone about it.

People can’t be just saying things.

I love you forever,

L.

March 15, 2000

My lovely wife,

I’m very, very curious about what everyone thinks about the movie. Especially people who had never before heard of me. They are the main ones. It’s not so important for the people who already know. This month is going to be a very exciting time. I really am thankful for Bruce and Joe. They have been like greedy little angels to this case. They even helped bring you to me. I can’t wait to see what happens, especially with Eddie Vedder on the case. I love the fact that he called. You better save those messages. We shall see what we shall see.
*

I love you,

Damien

March 22, 2000

My Love,

My heart hurts very much for you today. Lorri, I feel like I understood everything this morning. I know that there’s no reason why you should have to suffer through any of this stuff, like people being mean to you for no reason. And now I want more than anything to protect you from everything, and to make up to you that I didn’t do it from the beginning, because I didn’t see what you wanted or needed. I’m so sorry, beautiful one.

There must not be many people that were talking bad about you, because almost every single letter I am getting is offering their congratulations on the wedding. I am going to give you a lot of these letters, so you can help answer them. But I don’t want you to say you’re me—just tell them that you’re my wife, and we’re doing this together because we want to thank everyone for their support, and that it means a lot to us. I try to put at least one personal thing in every letter, so they know they’re not receiving the same thing as everyone else. For example, if they say they’re from West Virginia, I say, “My wife grew up in WV.” Just stuff like that.

I also just finished writing to my mother, and I told her what that woman did. I told her they’re trying to do the same thing to you that people did to me, that you’ve done nothing but stand by me, and it’s sad that they would claim to be trying to help, while hurting me like this.

I love you, Lorri,

D.

May 3, 2000

My Love,

I think Christina Riggs is being executed tonight. Either tonight or tomorrow night. The first woman to be executed in Arkansas. She’s been all over the news lately. It’s sad. She expects to go to some heaven in the clouds and be with her children. Very odd. Have you ever thought of being in a place of torment far beyond what your mind could imagine, and being there for eternity? Has that thought never, ever occurred to you? Even in church? Did it never cross your mind that perhaps evil did walk the earth, “seeking to and fro for whomever he may devour”? Tell me what you thought.

I am yours forever,

D.

May 10, 2000

My Love,

I’ve sent you a present. Perhaps it will arrive at the same time as this letter. If not, it may take about two days. This money is to buy a special treat for you. I mean it, Lorri, I don’t want to hear anything out of you other than “Thank you, husband.” It makes me incredibly happy to be able to do this. I may not be able to do it again for a long time, so please don’t ruin it by throwing a fit. Perhaps you should go to a movie, or buy something to wear—a new skirt. Maybe have some ice cream, or go out to dinner. But whatever it is has to be entirely for you, just something that makes you happy. It’s a present. I love you, beautiful one, have fun.

I just talked to you in Seattle. I can’t believe how grumpy I was. I hope I get the chance to talk to you again tonight, so I can tell you how much I love you. I don’t want you to carry the image of me being a grouch with you all night. I’m jealous of you being out and about amongst all those people. I would give anything to be with you there. But if I were with you, then you wouldn’t be there.

I am yours forever,

D.

August 2, 2000

My lovely one,

Today on 105 they’re talking about when the appropriate time is in a relationship to tell someone you’ve been in prison. Luckily, I never have to deal with that. Ha ha ha.

I am yours forever,

D.

September 7, 2000

My beloved Damien,

I know we have been horribly irresponsible with the phone—but I am feeling a bit fragile today and I would love to talk to you. Reading [
Blood of Innocents
] makes me cry a lot. Some things remind me of you, some things remind me of me—but it seems to affect me greatly.

Actually, it is making me question my own mind—I think I am relatively healthy, but it’s hard to ascertain between mental illness and magick—it’s amazing to me. I can tell you that I have seen “signs and symbols” throughout my life that have led me directly to you—and I completely believe that—yet, if I were to tell anyone else, they would think me psychotic. It’s not a point of being careful—it’s knowing the difference. I have listened to you so many times relate “memories” or states of mind to me—that I have never questioned—I completely believe they existed or do exist for you in the way you described them—it’s just like me telling you that I got “directions” from movies—when I think of how that sounds, it sounds insane, but I know that it is not. I don’t have the almost manic desire to see movies anymore. There was a time it was my life’s work; I would pore over the papers, the
New Yorker
, anything I could find to locate the next “clue.”