Worth the Wait (Sexy Nerd Boys #1) (18 page)

Ethan

              After I’ve destroyed everything within reach in my apartment I grab the bottle of Jack from atop my refrigerator and drown my sorrows. I can’t keep the images of her out of my mind: Her smile; rolling her eyes when I make a suggestive joke or comment; her soft skin against mine. A broken sob escapes my throat. My heart is pounding so loudly it seems to echo through the apartment. I gently trace her lipstick mark on my chest over and over again careful not to smudge it. I already know I’m going to get this tattooed tomorrow. I can’t ever let it wash off, I just can’t.

              When she stood here crying and telling me that she was broken I wanted so badly to tell her I would put her back together. But, I know that isn’t what she wants to hear. I know my beautiful, stubborn, independent woman well enough to know she wants, no needs, to put herself back together.

              “Ethan, it’s Lee, can I come in?” My sister's voice breaks into the silence.

I guess it wasn’t the sound of my heart, it was my sister knocking at the door. I laugh at my mistake and the laugh gives way to heaving sobs.

“Ethan, I’m worried about you. I’m coming in.”

              The door opens and Lee rushes to my side. She takes the half empty bottle out of my hand and places it out of my reach.

              “Ethan, are you okay?” She pulls me into her arms to soothe me.

              “I fucking love her,” I sob.

              “I know,” She whispers and places a kiss on the top of my head.

              I think my head would actually feel better if someone took a jackhammer to it. I squint my eyes open and see a glass of water and Advil on the coffee table in front of me. I lift my head slightly and see that my apartment is back in order and all of the broken items have been removed.

              “How are you feeling?” Lee calls from the kitchen. I wince at her loud voice.

              “Too loud,” I complain in a whisper as I reach for the Advil and water.

              “She cried all night,” She informs me solemnly.

I know that knowledge should be comforting but it just feels like a knife to the heart. I don’t want her to cry. I wish I could have kissed all of her tears away. But, at the same fucking time she’s the one who keeps pushing me away. I gave her something I’ve never given any woman, my fucking heart. And, she threw it back in my face.

              “Listen, I got an email a few days ago that the philosophy grad student who was the T.A, for a ‘philosophy of religion’ class down at Chamberlain College had to take a sabbatical. They need someone to step in for the remainder of the semester. I wasn’t going to do it, but I think maybe I should.”

Lee's face falls.

              “That’s four hours from here,” She complains. “When would I see you?”

              “Well, you could come over Thanksgiving in a few weeks and then I’ll be back in December when the semester ends. I think this might be good for me for a little bit.”

              “But what about your apartment?” She argues desperately.

              “Asher has been saying that he’s having problems with his roommate. I think I can get him to sublet it for the six weeks I’ll be gone,” I explain.

I’m not even sure when I decided all of this, maybe subconsciously in my sleep.

“Lee, I love you and I’ll miss the shit out of you. But, I need to do this right now. I need a break.”

              “But what about Abby?”             

              “What about her?” I challenge. “I didn’t want to push her, I still don’t. But, it’s obvious I want something she doesn’t and I just need some space. Maybe she’ll come around and maybe she won’t.” I shrug and heave myself off of the couch to grab my laptop so I can send out a few emails to get this plan organized.

Lee wraps her arms around my waist and gives me a tight hug.

              “Chamberlain is so close to mom and dad’s house, are you going to see them?” She asks cautiously. We
never
talk about them. They haven’t called since we moved out and we’ve returned the favor. We’re the only family we need.

I shrug at her question. If I were to see them it would just be to tell them off. We’ll see how combative I feel when I’m there.

              “I love you Ethan. She’s an idiot if she doesn’t see what a catch you are.”

I laugh and kiss the top of Lee's head.

              “I’ll let you know before I take off.”

Abby

I want to be your boyfriend
. Those words play on repeat in my mind. How could he want that? He was supposed to be the safe choice for an unemotional shag fest because he didn’t even believe in love. Does he love me? He didn’t say he did, although...no don’t even go there. My eyes are swollen from crying and my chest feels like a hollowed out log. I feel nauseated. I reach for my phone secretly hoping for a text message from Ethan telling me that everything is normal between us. No such luck. I pull my blankets over my head and try to decide whether I want to drag myself out of bed and go to class or just sit here and wallow. As appealing as wallowing sounds I force myself to get up face my shitty life.

Maybe I should text him, tell him I’m sorry. But the problem is, as much as I don’t want things to be over between us, I meant what I said. I can’t give him what he wants. How can you give yourself wholly to someone when you’re not whole?               

Once I’m dressed I head into the kitchen to get my coffee and face the day.

“Morning, Lee,” I mutter as I reach for the coffee pot. She narrows her eyes at me and fixes me with a venomous stare. Okay, message received. My life is a pit of despair.

              By the end of the day I’ve convinced myself to text Ethan and beg him to reconsider.

Abby: movie night?

              Okay, not exactly groveling, but I can certainly get on my knees once he agrees to hang out. I wait all night checking my phone approximately every eighth of a second. But, Ethan never responds. The only text I do receive is from Lee telling me she’s going to be staying the night at Nikki’s. The apartment feels empty as I wander aimlessly from room to room trying in vain to feel something other than sick and lonely. Eventually I give up and crawl into bed with the intention of smoking my weight in pot.

I realize for the first time how big and cold my bed is. It’s not really meant for one person, it’s more of a two person bed. I pack my party bowl and reach for my lighter.

I take a deep inhale of thick smoke and wait for relief to flood through my body. My mind flashes back to the first time Ethan kissed me here in my bed, the first time we had sex, and all of the times that we cuddled and laughed. There were so many mornings we just laid in bed for hours after waking up and talk about everything: life, movies, books, beliefs, hopes and dreams, and just about any random thing that came to mind. I don’t think there are enough drugs in the world to make me feel any better at this point. My heart is like an open wound. I reach for my phone and send another text in a desperate attempt to elicit a response. I snap a picture of my tits and send it to him.

Over an hour later there still isn’t a response. After I finish smoking my bowl and I don’t feel like I’m going to completely fall apart I let myself drift off to sleep.

Ethan

“Thanks for letting me crash here,” I say sincerely as I let Nick point me towards the room I’ll be staying in for the next six weeks.

“No problem, thanks for coming to help out with Kristin having to take off last minute like this.”

“Honestly it’s my pleasure. There’s some shit I needed a chance to escape for a while.”

“I hear ya,” Nick responds with a laugh.

My phone buzzes in my pocket and a part of me has a stupid, desperate wish that it would be Abby texting me to say she’s changed her mind about everything. I know her well enough to know that’s a pipe dream. She texted me earlier with just the phrase ‘movie night’. Like nothing happened between us. I didn’t respond, I was honestly speechless. And I’d gotten about five texts from Lee already telling me she misses me and can’t wait for me to come home.

I check my phone and find that Abby sent me a picture of her bare tits. Fuck, that’s not even fair. Suddenly I’m actually glad for this distance between us because I know if I was there I’d be at her feet right now telling her I’d give her anything she wants if she’ll let me keep her. But, I can’t keep her. I never had her to begin with. It’s like trying to own a forest fire, if you try it’ll just kill you. It takes all of my willpower to delete the picture.

I think this night requires a trip to the liquor store.

Abby

              When I still haven’t heard from Ethan by the time I’m done with school the next day. I decide I need to release all of my pent up feelings. And, there’s only one way I know how to do that.

              The familiar sting of my knuckles against the punching bag is the most comforting thing in the world. Sweat pours down my face and I relish the tight coil in my muscles caused by over work.

              “Abby,” A small squeaky voice gives me pause.

I stop my assault and take a deep breath before turning around to face Sarah. She looks like she’s about twelve years old, all tiny and terrified. Part of me wants to tear into her for daring to put her hands and her mouth on
my man
. But, there are a few problems with my indignation. First, he’s not my man. And second, she doesn’t owe me any loyalty, she hardly knows me.

              “What?” I snap in spite of myself.

She immediately bursts into tears.
Fuck my life.
I grab her arm and pull her into an empty classroom because the last thing I need is for everyone thinking I made a little kid cry.

“What do you want Sarah?”

              “I just wanted to tell you I’m so, so sorry. I wanted to be like you. You’re so beautiful, confident, and strong. And, I’m such a nobody. I couldn’t even seduce your boyfriend properly after I’d drugged him,” She slouches down on the floor and sobs.

              “You what?” I practically shriek.

              “I slipped him GHB,” She admits and all I can do is stare at her in horror.

She actually tried to date rape him? What the actual fuck?

              “You’re a complete psycho,” I grind out between clenched teeth.

              “I know, that’s why I’m killing myself,” She cries.

My heart sinks. This girl needs seriously help.

              “You can’t do that. Come on, I’m going to get you some help,” I offer her my hand. She shakes her head.

              “It’s too late. I took a whole bottle of Advil just before I came in here,” I whip out my phone and dial 911 immediately, and then I stay with her until the ambulance arrives.

              I’m still shaking when I get home, and I decide I need to go talk to Ethan. I need to tell him what happened.

I knock tentatively and wait. My heart is pounding out an erratic rhythm in my chest. So, this is what tachycardia feels like. I hear footsteps approaching and try to take several deep breaths to calm myself. The door opens and Carolyn stands there in a large men’s t-shirt and god knows what underneath. I feel bile rise in my throat. Well, I guess that explains why I haven’t heard back from him. He’s been thoroughly occupied I’m sure. Okay, don’t cry, that’s the main thing.

“Can I help you?” She asks with false sweetness dripping from her voice.

I want to slap the shit out of her. I want to pull her hair and punch her perky tits. I can feel my whole body shaking with restraint.

“Who is it?” I hear a male voice call from inside the apartment.

Relief floods me, that isn’t Ethan’s voice.

“I’m looking for Ethan,” I say loudly enough for whoever the guy is to hear, because I’m sure skank Barbie isn’t going to be very helpful.

“Oh, hey Abby,” Asher gives me a blatant once over as he comes to the door in nothing but a pair of black boxer shorts.

I roll my eyes and wait for him to tell me where to find Ethan, or better yet what he’s doing here getting laid in Ethan’s apartment.

“I can’t believe you didn’t know. He took off, he’s not going to be back until late December. I’m subletting until then,” He explains.

“What, do you like come with the apartment or something?” I snap at Carolyn.

“Did you need anything else?” She asks blandly.

I spin on my heel and storm through the door to my apartment. Lee and Nikki are on the couch when I bust in.

“Where did he go?” I demand.

“What’s it to you?” Lee challenges aggressively.

“Look, I hate how things went down between Ethan and me. But, I don’t want to lose you as a friend. And I do care about Ethan, I just want to know if he’s okay. I want to apologize,” I stop trying to hold back my tears.

“Of course we’re still friends. I’m just pissed at you right now. He’s fine, but that’s all I’m telling you. If he wants you to know more then he’ll contact you,” Her tone softens a little.

“Okay, I’m sorry,”  I say again before slinking into my room with my tail between my legs.

Abby: I’m sorry

I text Ethan, not expecting a response.

It’s Friday and I haven’t heard from Ethan and I’m torn between despair and just plain wishing I had my friend to hang out with. I don’t even enjoy my usual nerdy shit without Ethan to enjoy it with me. I really hate myself right now. I always told myself that I wasn’t ‘that’ girl and it’s time for my moping to end. Enough is enough.

Ethan

Over the next week I pick up my phone over and over to call or text Abby and end up talking myself out of it. I go through the motions of my T.A. position and then go home at night and wallow.

My phone buzzes and I jump to answer it, stupidly hoping that it’s Abby. Lee's face lights up the screen and I sigh with disappointment.

“Hey,” I answer.

“Wow, don’t sound so excited,” She says sarcastically.

“Sorry,” I sigh.

“It’s okay, I understand. I miss you by the way Bro. We should never live this far apart again. I came up with this plan that once we’re done with college you can buy a house right next door to Nikki and me. Then we can both have a bunch of kids who’ll be more like siblings than cousins.” I laugh at her idea.

“Um, Lee, I don’t think that plan is going to work.”

“Why not?” I hear the pout in her voice.

“Because, you’re a lesbian and I don’t have anyone to have kids with. So, I’m thinking the kids’ thing isn’t a solid plan,” I joke.

“Oh shut up, I’m going to adopt and you’re going to make a million babies with Abby.” My chest tightens with longing. I actually wish that were true and that thought about knocks me on my ass.

“So how’s everything going there?” She asks.

I hear a door open and shut in the background on her end and I hold my breath. That’s stupid it’s probably Nikki. Even if it is Abby, so what.

“Everything’s...good,” I say finally.

She remains silent on the other end, no doubt trying to decide whether or not to call me out on my lie.

“I wish you would come home.”

“Are you talking to Ethan?” I hear Abby ask in the background.

I grip the phone tightly and clench my jaw. If someone had told me before that I could miss a woman so much it would be a physical pain in my chest I would’ve told them that they were crazy. But hearing her voice I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. My hand goes to my chest where I got her lips tattooed.

“Yes,” Lee responds to her.

There’s a long pause. I wonder if she’s going to ask to talk to me. Will Lee hand the phone over? What will she say?

“I’ve gotta go, Lee,” I say hurriedly.

“Okay, I’ll see you in ten days for Thanksgiving.”

“Love you,” I say before hanging up the phone.

After my phone call with Lee the only solution I can think of for my pathetic, unrequited feelings is at the bottom of a bottle. I head into the kitchen to grab the bottle of Jack I put there a few days ago.

“Hey, Ethan, we’re having some people over if you want to hang out,” Nick offers.

I hesitate and then nod. Clutching my bottle of Jack I follow him into the living room.

              “So tell me about yourself Ethan.”

I already forgot her name. I know she told me an hour ago when she showed up but I’ve drank a hell of a lot of Jack between then and now. I’m surprised I even remember my own name at this point. I look over at her and take in her huge tits, pushed up and pointed right in my direction. She giggles when she catches me staring down her shirt. Man, I had forgotten how little work ‘a sure thing’ takes. I don’t even have to bother trying to charm her.

              “Actually, maybe we should go to your room to get to know each other better,” She suggests.

I take her hand and let her pull me to my feet and follow her down the hall to my room. Huh, I don’t remember this house being so tilted and wobbly before. I collapse onto my bed as she shuts the door behind us. She stands at the foot of my bed and pulls her dress over her head without preamble. My dick twitches half-heartedly.
Come on buddy, get in the game
. I try to give myself a pep talk. She slithers on top of me, straddling my waist and grinding against my half flaccid cock. Her scent surrounds me and it’s a startling disappointment. Not that she smells bad, but she is missing that apples and cinnamon scent that I’ve grown so fond of.

              Her lips graze mine and I’m suddenly stone sober. I push against her to get her off of me and then I roll off of the bed.

              “What’s wrong baby?” She asks with a pouty smile.

              “I’m just not feeling it. Sorry.” I walk towards the door and hold it open for her. She looks at me like I slapped her but gets up and walks out, throwing me a dirty look over her

shoulder as she goes.