Wolf of Arundale Hall (16 page)

“Do you believe that you can trust me?” His gray eyes were stormy, worry lines on his brow.

“Joshua…” she started. What could she say? She was confused, off center.

He cupped her cheek. “Poor little flower.” He kissed her gently. “Don’t answer now.”

First he reached down to the clamp on her clitoris. “My love, take a deep breath. This may be painful.”

She inhaled deeply and he unclipped the metal from her pussy. Pain ripped along her nerves and she wondered if she would scream from it. Then Joshua’s tongue slid over her sensitive nub and pleasure mingled with the pain until she orgasmed again. It seemed her capacity for this play was immense.

He moaned as he licked away the drops of her release. Then his tongue slid over the exposed skin of her belly and reached her right nipple. He undid the clamp there and she hissed in a breath. He licked away the pain in a heartbeat and gave the left nipple the same treatment.

Then, gently and carefully, Joshua undid the knots that Lord Everret had tied in the rope. Soon she was free, her skin chafed in places where the rope had bitten into her skin. Joshua’s mouth traveled over every mark, owning them, soothing them.

She touched him, the one sensation denied her during the entire tableau. He shuddered beneath her fingers and she twined her hands in his hair to kiss him. Surrendering, she opened everything up to him.

Part of her realized he’d always owned her, that she’d been his from the moment he’d kissed her under his father’s apple tree. Years ago she’d handed Joshua her heart, her soul and her body. Nothing had changed. She’d loved him then and she loved him now.

His hands were tender and sweet as he held her close. Though she was on her feet, her knees shook so much it was Joshua’s strength that held her upright. He led her to a chair and she sat in it. Somehow, he obtained a glass of water and handed it to her. “Drink this, little flower.”

The water sloshed a bit, her hand trembled so badly. But she managed to get some of the liquid down her parched throat. The room stopped spinning and Joshua’s concerned face came into her vision. “What?”

“Perhaps this was too much. I should have been more careful.” His brows knitted into a frown.

Elizabeth had nothing to say. She couldn’t admit she’d loved every heart-wrenching minute of his touch, his attention. But it had meant nothing.

She closed her eyes. As much as she wanted to give in to the temptation to crawl into his arms and stay there, she knew the price to pay if she gave herself to him again. Already she had stepped too close, basked in the warmth of his lust, ignoring the ache in her heart.

With as much dignity as she could, she rose to her feet. “Shall we go?”

For a brief moment she saw a flash of pain, a twist of his lips, then all emotion disappeared from his features. “Of course.” He handed her shift to her and she dressed in silence. What could she say? She loved him, but she’d never survive abandonment.

It was easier to keep him at a distance and stay safe from that pain.

Even as she entertained that thought, her heart denied it. It wouldn’t work. She stifled a sob and kept her face averted from him. The pain, the desperate loneliness swamped her and she wallowed in her misery, hoping her face revealed nothing.

What else could she do?

Chapter Nine

Had Joshua overreached? Elizabeth was strangely silent on the ride home and he wondered if he’d shocked her. Why had he pressed her to do those deviant things, which soothed the wolf and drove the man into a sexual frenzy? He was a sick bastard with no regard for his wife. His doubts were loud and unrelenting.

They reached Arundale Hall and he was surprised to realize it was still daylight, the sun breaking over the moor toward its midday position. He helped Elizabeth from her saddle and she dropped into his arms like a feather.

Emotion choked him. “Elizabeth…”

Her gaze met his and her hand stroked his cheek. “Yes?”

He couldn’t hold her cold stare. “I’m a brute.”

“Yes, you are,” she said and he heard resignation in her tone. “I knew that when I married you ten years ago.”

When he finally glanced at her face, he wanted to see the tenderness, the love he’d so desperately missed those lonely years in Jamaica. He didn’t deserve it. For some reason, his mate both brought the Beast to the surface and placated it. He needed her to feel anything and realized he’d been like a limb bound up, the nerves numbed and dead. Only Elizabeth could bring him to life, create an overwhelming joy within him that he had no idea how to handle.

The words hovered on his lips, but his doubts squashed them again. His passion lay right at the surface, yet the wolf was content and silent. Clearly, Elizabeth was the answer to all his struggles, all his pain. But what if she didn’t feel the same? He couldn’t take the rejection.

The tangle of fear, love, need and guilt twisted inside him, his stomach tight. He opened his mouth to say the irrevocable words to bind her to him when Botter’s shout interrupted them.

“Thank God! My lord, we were so worried.” Botter’s face was creased with concern.

“All is well, Botter. My wife and I just took a long ride together on the moor.”

“We feared the worst when Lady Elizabeth’s horse returned without her,” Botter said with a frown. “I take it Thunder bolted?”

“I’m afraid I wasn’t very careful,” Elizabeth said cautiously.

“Anything occur while we were gone?” Joshua wrapped his arm around Elizabeth as they walked back to the house and tried to ignore the way she stiffened.

“No, my lord. Lord Perry hasn’t returned and the rest of the household is quiet.” Botter tipped his hat. “I’ll take care of your horse, my lord.”

“Thank you, Botter. Sorry we worried you.”

Botter grinned. “It’s good to see you and your lady had a nice ride.”

As the man led his horse to the stables, Joshua shook his head. “I think Botter was trying to be discreet.”

He stopped and cupped her face in his hands to brush her lips with his. “Elizabeth—”

“Well, you’ve finally arrived, have you?” Melinda appeared in the front doorway.

Joshua let his gaze linger on his wife’s face before he faced his cousin. “Yes, we have.”

Melinda looked as if she hadn’t slept and tension stretched the skin over her cheeks in an unappealing manner. She had applied rouge, but its contrast only emphasized the paleness of her natural color.

She crossed her arms and glared at them. “I’m shocked that you would gallivant across the moors while a vicious monster is loose, ready to kill us all.”

Joshua tucked Elizabeth’s arm through his and strode into the foyer. “I will not allow these killings to keep me locked in my own home, cousin.”

Sara waited within to take their coats and hats. He turned to face Melinda. “I’ve written to Lady North. She is expecting you next week. I hope you have taken this time to consider your situation.”

Melinda’s lips tightened. “Such as whether I will abandon my son to your household? I have considered it and rejected it. Gerry will go with me.”

Joshua gritted his teeth. “You are determined, then, to drag him down with you?”

The woman tipped her chin. “I am determined to do exactly as I wish.”

“So be it,” Joshua said quietly. “I wish you would reconsider, but I can see your mind is set. I am sorry for Gerry.”

Her smile was unpleasant. “Don’t be. Mayhap I will marry a man better situated than you are,” she said smugly.

Joshua sighed and held Elizabeth’s hand while he headed for the library. “I doubt it.”

As he and Elizabeth entered the other room, he heard Melinda mutter under her breath, “You’ll be sorry. Very sorry.”

It made him uneasy. Melinda seemed confident that she would find another. Perhaps she already had. But any man who would propose to Melinda should have done so out in the open. The fact that someone might be taking advantage of her rankled him.

“She has to find her own path, Joshua. She doesn’t want to be your responsibility,” Elizabeth said as she tugged her hand away from his.

“I have an uncomfortable feeling that she is in danger of making a fool of herself.”

Elizabeth nodded. “You are probably right. But you can only try to prevent it if she will let you.”

“I could prohibit her associating with anyone without my permission,” he said arrogantly. In the eyes of society, he would be right.

But Elizabeth shook her head. “And send her into the arms of her mysterious suitor even quicker? No. You have control over her spending. That will be enough, believe me.”

He rubbed his chin and wondered again why the hell he’d come home. Then he glanced at his wife and knew. He would have come home murders or not. Jamaica had become a prison of his own making and he had been on the edge of giving up anyway. It had just taken Jaimison’s letter and fear for his mate to spur him to action.

But she was still distant, still angry with him. He clenched his hands into fists and risked all. “You asked once what happened in Jamaica.”

Her head snapped up and she stared at him. “I did.”

“Sit down, Elizabeth. What I need to tell you doesn’t excuse my behavior, my staying away for all these years, but it may help you to understand.”

She sat down, perched on the edge of the chair, her back straight and unyielding.

He couldn’t sit. He paced the room, his mind screaming out against his intention to share this with any other human being.

“I was a slaver.”

Four of the hardest words he’d ever said were out of his mouth. He kept his gaze on the desk in front of him and endured her silence for several minutes. “After I left you, and around the time I killed that man, I spiraled into insanity. I gave up on honor, on duty, on all the things my mother and father taught me while they were alive.” He forced himself to meet her gaze. “In short, I became one of the lowest forms of life on earth. I made myself give you up, but I was nothing without you.”

Her eyes were misty but she pursed her lips and said nothing. He gritted his teeth and continued regardless of her cold demeanor. “I used human beings like animals, hating all people. I was a wreck, miserable, and I spread my hidden disease to anyone who came into contact with me.” He kept his gaze steady, holding hers. “Three years ago, a doctor who knew I’d murdered and knew how I’d killed the man found me again.” He smiled wanly. “He lectured me, reminding me that I had a duty to my family, to my name.”

“But you still stayed away.” Her pain, her agony, vibrated across the space between them. He rose from his chair and fell to his knees in front of her.

“I was filthy, a damaged person with no heart, no soul. It took me a year to get out of the slaving business and two more to feel human again.” He rested his forehead on her knee. “I wasn’t fit to kiss your feet.”

“What makes you think you are now?” she snapped.

He glanced up and held her angry stare. “I can’t live without you.”

“Because I’m your mate,” she said with a sneer in her voice.

With one swift movement, he rose and dragged her to her feet. “Because without you, there is no sun, no moon, no stars. Because I am a Beast in all ways when I’m away from you.”

Tears gathered in her eyes and the lines around her mouth deepened. “So you say.”

He cupped her face with his hands and used his thumbs to wipe away the tears that began to fall. “I will prove it to you. I don’t know how long it will take me, but I will.”

She blinked, moisture clinging to her lashes like dew. “Even though I may never be able to forgive you?”

His heart clenched and his throat closed. For a moment he couldn’t speak, almost couldn’t breathe. It wouldn’t be easy. But Elizabeth had much to forgive him and he had given her very little reason to believe his words.

The truth remained. He loved her, needed her desperately. It ripped him apart inside that she might hate him, might never love him back, but what had he expected after doing what he had done?

His neck was stiff but he nodded. “Even if you cannot forgive me, I will stay beside you.”

Her lips trembled. “Loving you was never the problem, my lord,” she whispered.

A streak of joy shot through him. “Elizabeth—”

She stepped away and held up her hand. “I do not trust you.”

His hopes plummeted to his shoes but he held on to the knowledge that his mate still loved him. From that, perhaps the trust would come. “I will not give up.”

She smiled and it was as if the sun had broken out. “I am counting on it.” Her chin tipped up and she gave him a level stare. “Now, shall we go and deal with your brother?”

He crossed the room and took her small hand in his. For a moment, he just stared at it. It wasn’t a lily-soft hand like those of some ladies of his acquaintance, but rugged, firm. Her fingers were long and slender but he noted the strength in them. “You’ve dealt with him for ten years. I can go alone.” They both knew where Perry would go. Everret’s would be the safest place for him and he would run there eventually.

She was silent and he finally glanced up at her face. Her free hand stroked his cheek. “Would my presence help or hinder you?”

Several ideas flicked through his mind. The tableau with Marcus had been so powerful, so arousing, that doing it again tempted Joshua beyond reason. “I’m not sure,” he said honestly. The need for his wife both aroused the Beast within and soothed it. He needed to dominate his brother and prove to him that control was the answer. Elizabeth tested that control.

“Let me accompany you, and if you feel I’m in the way, I’ll go home,” she said calmly.

He yanked on the hand he still held and wrapped his arm around her waist. With his mouth only a breath away, he whispered, “You’re never in the way.”

The way she sagged against him when he pressed his lips to hers made his heart pound and his blood simmer. Elizabeth was his weakness and his strength. How the hell had he lived all those years apart from her?

She moaned in protest when he broke the kiss. He brushed a loose strand of her hair away from her forehead. “You’re sure you’re not too sore from this morning?”

She raised one eyebrow. “Does it matter if I am?”