“I gave up hope,” he said quietly. “I made myself believe you and my family were better off without me, without the Beast.”
“You might have consulted us on the matter.”
“That would have required bravery I did not have.” He glanced up and met her hostile gaze. “I have faced pirates, thieves and murderers and never flinched. But I could not face it if you looked on me with disgust or fear.” He tightened his lips. “I believed you would hate me for the creature I knew I became. I did not realize…” He shook his head. “No, I didn’t want to know that Perry was another like me. I was blind, Elizabeth. And I am deeply sorry that I have hurt you.”
Her heart melted, as he probably knew it would. She stiffened her resolve and kept her wits. She wanted to take him in her arms and stroke his head. Instead she bit her tongue and stared out of the window onto the dark moor.
Joshua’s silence was filled with pain. She could sense it coming from him like waves. When she finally turned her head to look at him, the sight made her heart crack wide open. His bleak, bitter expression and the slumped position of his body revealed a man broken. By her.
“Joshua,” she said in a hoarse voice. She cleared her throat before she continued. “How can I ever trust you? You left me.” She wrapped her arms around her waist. “My parents died. Your brother flailed helplessly. Gerry was born. I was alone.”
He nodded. “I know it.”
She expected him to argue with her, to defend himself. But he seemed to take her rejection as his due. A far cry from the man who had said her resistance was a challenge. “You’ve given up, then?”
His head snapped up and his eyes blazed brightly. “No! Never!”
She stared at him. “Even if I never allow you in my bed.”
He pursed his lips together. “Even then.”
“You’re so sure you can change my mind,” she stated.
He shook his head. “No.” His fingers threaded through his hair and he sighed. “I truly believed my absence was for the best. Now I can see how wrong I was to run, to leave my burdens for you to handle.” He straightened and gave her a level glance. “I hope you realize that was never my intention. When I left, Melinda was living with Lady North and Perry…” He stopped. “I had no idea this…thing that I became was a family trait.”
“You must have realized when I wrote to you early on about his behavior.”
Joshua shook his head. “I believed Perry was young and foolish. It wasn’t until Jaimison wrote me about the murder that I realized what the hints he’d given meant.” Joshua’s lips twisted into a self-recriminating smile. “Jaimison had been trying to tell me in his rather dry reports over the years, but I chose not to see it. And nothing you said revealed Perry’s obsessions.”
That was true. She had written to Joshua only that Perry drank and caroused. It had been her unwillingness to insist on honest discussion that had kept Perry’s condition from Joshua. She bit her lip. Why had she obeyed his dictate to eliminate details? Her honesty compelled her to admit she’d been hurt and angry by his order for “nothing personal”. Had she taken it too far?
She narrowed her eyes. “How did this become my fault?”
He frowned. “I don’t blame you. You were eighteen when I left. And I was a fool to expect you to override my blatant desire for ignorance. Jaimison, of course, tried to tell me without revealing a family secret. I don’t blame him either.” He met her gaze. “I swear to you, Elizabeth, I did what I thought was right.”
“And your insistence in our marriage bed? Your behavior at that house? What is that?” she seethed. He’d overridden her every wish, her very independence. Part of her knew he had the right to do so. He was her husband. More importantly, he was her mate. The mark on her inner thigh had not faded or changed in ten years. The state of her heart was no different.
His smile was faint. “That is my desire, little flower. For no matter what you do or say, I want you more now than I wanted you when I married you.”
“So you are ruled by your nether regions,” she snapped.
Some of his arrogance seemed to return and he raised an eyebrow. “If I was, you would be naked with my cock buried inside you right now.”
Her breath deserted her and she stared at him. It was impossible to find an answer to that. And she said nothing when he slid across the seat of the carriage and sat knee to knee with her. He captured her hand and threaded his fingers with hers. “If all I wanted from you was your flesh, Lady Elizabeth Arundale, I would have taken it. But I want more than that.”
“You want to own me.”
“I want what we had,” he insisted.
So do I, God help me
. “That can never be, Joshua.”
“I realize that.” He brought her hands up to kiss her knuckles. “So I must build again. It will not be the first time I have had to start over.”
“This is ridiculous.”
He tugged on her hands and drew her onto his lap. He didn’t try to hold her there, or let his hands wander. His hands rested lightly on her hips. “Remember when we first met?”
How could she forget it? “Yes. I had taken an apple from the great Arundale land so you made me pay for it,” she said sullenly.
His hand came up and he ran his thumb over her lips. “With a kiss. My first. And yours.”
“We are not those innocent children,” she said desperately.
He smiled wickedly. “We most certainly aren’t.” His hand crept around the nape of her neck and he pulled her inexorably toward him. She could have broken his hold, stopped the madness. But she was as desperate for him as he was for her.
When her lips touched his, electricity shot through her veins and she moaned. His hold tightened and he delved inside her mouth with his tongue. Her hands climbed up his chest and clasped around his neck.
She surrendered.
Whatever they had been before, they still were. Nothing had changed deep down for either of them.
He broke the kiss and she whimpered in protest. When she opened her eyes, she met his stare. He studied her face, his gaze warm and filled with need. Why didn’t he take what she’d offered him?
“I want you so much.” His voice was husky and low. “But I want it all, little flower. I will not take what you give to me reluctantly.”
She could have screamed with frustration. “I was willing enough,” she said.
His gaze searched her face. “Do you love me?”
Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!
“Why must you ask me that?” Why did she have to reveal her heart to satiate her body? He didn’t love her. Wanted her, yes. Loved her? No. She was his physical match, following some ancestral line that appealed to the wolf. It had nothing to do with love.
“I want it all, remember?”
She shrugged. “We are married. Love does not have to play any part.”
Gently but firmly, he slid her away from him. “Then I will wait until it does.”
Pride forced her to shrug again and straighten her skirts. “You will wait a long time.”
“I hope not, my mate.” His mouth lifted on one side in a crooked smile. “I can speak for the man but not for the Beast. Don’t tempt it.”
A thrill of fear and excitement shivered through her. “You are trying to frighten me.”
“I’m warning you.” There wasn’t a glimmer of amusement on his face. “The Beast wants his mate. I can control him, but not if you tempt him too far.”
The carriage had stopped and she rose to leave, but Joshua forestalled her, insisting on helping her down the steps. She kept her head high and placed her hand in his. Suddenly he yanked her into his arms.
His mouth claimed hers and a growl emanated from his throat. She sagged against him, her pulse leaping. He devoured her lips with his and gripped her backside with his hands. She moaned and he echoed the sound.
When he withdrew he cupped her cheeks and stared intensely into her face. “Just a taste. I just needed a taste.”
“You are the one who denies yourself. I haven’t,” she stated.
His thumbs stroked the tender skin of her cheekbones. “I deny us both for something better, something we had once and will have again.”
“Perhaps it’s dead,” she said.
One of his hands slid downward and pressed against her wild pulse in her neck. “No. It lives.”
“Joshua—”
A shout from the stable startled them. “My lord!” In the darkness, a lantern bobbed and a shadowed form hurried toward them.
The stable hand, Botter, came closer, his face white in the lantern light. “My lord, my lady. There’s been another killing near the village and they’ve sent men out on the moors to look for Mr. Arundale.”
Elizabeth clutched Joshua’s arm and he covered her hand with his. “Where is Perry, Botter?”
“I don’t know, my lord.” Botter led the way as they headed toward the house. “Jaimison escorted him to his rooms, but he’s not there now.”
“Get my horse,” Joshua ordered Botter.
“Joshua—” she started. He was going to go out there alone. If Perry had let his Beast run free…
Her husband bent down and kissed her hard, taking her breath away. Then he shoved her toward the house. “Please, little flower, go into the house. Donaldson will probably be here soon.”
“But Joshua…”
He brushed her lips again. “Think of me.”
Before she could say a word, he strode toward the stables and swung into the saddle. She watched while he galloped into the darkness.
Chapter Seven
Joshua’s instincts wanted to allow the Beast freedom to search for his brother as the wolf. But his human intellect reasoned that it would be folly. Out there on the moor were men with guns searching for just such an animal. He’d be targeted and killed. What he had to do was use his wits and his senses to find Perry before the mob did.
For hours he searched and found nothing. The night waned and the fog began to rise so thickly that it was difficult to see even with a lantern. He rode back to the house cold, frustrated and apprehensive.
Lights blazed from the manor house and Botter met him at the stable door, his pale face strained and tight. “Donaldson is here, my lord. And Miss Melinda is carrying on like the devil himself was on her doorstep, come to take her innocence.” He snorted. “Not that he’d find much there.” He cleared his throat. “Beg your pardon, my lord.”
“Did my brother take his horse?”
“He did. The bay.” Botter nodded to the empty stall.
That was reassuring. If Perry had been out on a killing spree, he wouldn’t have taken a horse. “How long has Donaldson been here?”
“He arrived a little after you left, my lord.” Botter tightened his lips. “Lady Arundale has her hands full, what with Miss Melinda having hysterics and little Gerry crying that he doesn’t want to die.”
Joshua slapped his gloves against his thigh. “Right. Thank you, Botter.”
He strode toward the house. No wonder Elizabeth wouldn’t trust him. The closest thing to family she had was the crazy collection of people he’d left her with.
When he entered the foyer he could hear Melinda sobbing in the library. The maid, Sarah, met him at the door and took his cloak. “Lady Arundale is in the library with Miss Melinda, my lord.”
“So I hear. Where is the constable?”
Sarah’s face flushed red. “He’s searching our rooms, my lord.”
He’d take care of that. But first he’d deal with Melinda. When he entered the library, he noted that Gerry stood beside Elizabeth, not his mother. Melinda was reclined on the sofa with her handkerchief pressed to her forehead.
“And you have to get someone to protect me. I won’t be murdered in my bed because you’re too cheap to…” She trailed off when Joshua entered the room.
Gerry buried his face in Elizabeth’s shoulder. His wife’s arm was wrapped around him and Joshua had a vision of his own boy—his and Elizabeth’s—clinging to her. He wanted that. God, how he wanted that.
“You were saying, cousin?” He kept his tone cold and hard. The woman was more trouble than she was worth.
She sat up, color flooding her face. “I want protection from your brother,” she snapped.
“Really?” he said smoothly. “What interest would he have in you?”
She gasped. “That’s a cruel thing to say.”
“You cruelly accuse him. On what evidence do you base your fear of him?”
“Two murders,” she screamed. Gerry flinched, a twitch that rustled Elizabeth’s skirt.
“Yes, and do you know for a fact that Perry committed them?”
Melinda jumped to her feet and stepped up to Joshua. “That poacher and Perry had an argument, and then he ends up on our doorstep. Tonight, one of the villagers that spoke out against him is dead on the moor.”
So she didn’t know about Elizabeth’s horse. “Stop being a fool, Melinda.” He strode across the room and placed a firm hand on Gerry’s shoulder, silently encouraging the boy to straighten up. “I wrote to Lady North yesterday and informed her that you would be arriving in a fortnight. Shouldn’t you be packing?” He squeezed Gerry’s upper arm. “I assure you the Beast won’t attack you here.”
Melinda glared at him. “I will not go. My son—”
“Your son is my ward, Melinda. I agreed to care for him, educate him, and that entitles me to decide what’s best for him.” He glanced down at the boy’s pale face. “What’s best for him is to remain here and for you to go.”
“You can’t do this to me,” the woman screeched.
“It’s done. Stop throwing fits of the vapors. We have no need of them.” He took her arm in a firm grip and directed her toward the door. “The way you leave this household will have a great bearing on how often you visit it in the future. Consider that.” He shoved her through the library doorway and shut the door in her face.
He turned and faced Gerry. “Come here, boy.”
Fear streaked across his face but the boy tipped his chin and crossed the room to confront Joshua. “My lord?”
“You will always have a home with me. Elizabeth has told me that you’ve helped her on occasion.” He placed his hands on Gerry’s shoulders. “You are family and your place is with us if you wish it.”
Gerry twisted his head and glanced at Elizabeth. Her nod and his grin made Joshua’s heart clench. Family. They were connected in ways he could only imagine. The years he’d been absent yawned between him and those he loved. But he would make up for that.