White is for Virgins (63 page)

“If you’ll excuse me, my photography skills are required elsewhere,” she chuckled. “It was really nice meeting you all.” All of this was directed more at my family than at me.

It’s like I don’t exist to her.
I felt a pang in my chest, clenching my jaw shut and turning back to my family.

“I take it prom didn’t go so well,” Millicent commented quietly, lifting Holly up once more.

“Prom was great; just after…,” I sighed, running a hand through my hair. Both Millicent and my dad stared me down after that comment. “Nothing happened, calm down.”

“Then what?” Millicent asked curiously. “She promised she wouldn’t break your heart; she doesn’t seem like that type.”

“She didn’t, and she’s not. It’s all me, actually. That’s my type.” I was more admitting to myself than anyone else of what a complete fuck-up I was.

“Fox–” she started soothingly, reaching out to me.

“Son, go say goodbye to everyone,” my father suggested, pulling his Blackberry from his pocket. “We’ll be leaving soon.”

I nodded, weaving through the throng of people.

I found Nick with Lily. Emery was taking pictures of them.

Lily’s smile faded slightly at the sight of me. Emery stiffened as I came up beside her.

“Hey bro,” Nick said, his smile faltering as well, “don’t tell me you’re leaving already.”

I nodded. “Yeah, man. I’m flying out to Boston in a couple hours.”

“Dude, you can’t leave. Not before all the partying,” Nick claimed.

“You’ll do just fine without me,” I smirked.

“Guess I’m gonna have to.” Nick stepped forward, offering me a hand and reaching over with his other hand to slap me on the back. “Dude, enjoy yourself. Just don’t turn into some speedo-wearing, gelato-eating tool, alright? And tell your lovely mom I said hi.”

“
Bromance at its finest,” Lily smirked from the side, smacking Nick for mentioning my mother in such a suggestive tone.

“Lily,” I sighed, holding my arms out.

She smirked, hugging me and swaying back and forth a bit. “Have fun, buddy, and come back soon! Take lots of pictures, okay?”

I rolled my eyes, promising nevertheless to take some for her.

Finally, I turned to Emery.

I cleared my throat obnoxiously. Lily and Nick mumbled some lame excuse and giving us some privacy in the corner of the lobby.

“Congrats on the speech,” I offered lamely.

“Thanks,” she said quickly, avoiding my eyes and staring at her heels.

“I um,” I paused, reaching into the pocket of my plaid shorts, “I wanted to give you this, before I left.”

“What is it?” she asked, taking the envelope cautiously.

I said the first thing that came to mind. “Just a little graduation thing; don’t open it right now.”

I watched uncertainly as she turned and put the envelope in her purse before turning back to me. “I’m moving tonight.”

“Tonight?”

“Yeah, we have to be out of the house by tomorrow. We don’t have an apartment yet, but we sold the house, so we need to go to my grandma’s for a bit.”

“Oh.”

Oh?

“Sucks,” she sighed, staring off into oblivion behind me.

“Emery!” I heard a distant voice call. Emery turned her head, finding the source of the voice.

“Coming!” she yelled back. “Fox–” she started suddenly.

“Yeah?”

“…Have a safe trip,” she said finally, “I hope you have a good time with your mom.”

“Thank you.” I watched as she hesitantly turned and started walking away.

Everything that I would be leaving behind suddenly hit me like a brick in the face.

“
Em!” I ran, catching up to her and grabbing her arm to turn her around.

“Hmm?” she murmured, searching my eyes almost expectantly. She looked like she was holding so much back.

I did the only thing I could do.

I pulled her to me, hugging her.

“Have a good summer,” I whispered into her hair. I felt her arms squeeze my torso back for a few moments before she let go.

“You too,” she replied, turning swiftly and sprinting over to her parents.

I could’ve sworn I saw her move her hand to her eyes real quick.

***

EMERY P.O.V.

Why’d he have to hug me?
Why couldn’t he just completely avoid me, and be an asshole, and not bother giving me some stupid card?

I sighed, turning the envelope over in my hands once more before deciding to stick it in a random box as my Dad pulled up with a moving truck. It probably said something like “you’re a great friend”. I’d read it later, I decided, when I was more emotionally ready for whatever he wrote inside.

Two days ago, I was so sure that anything – rejection – was better than not getting
anything
; of an ‘I don’t know’. Now my whole mind-set was shot. Was I really ready to face that Fox and I were just friends? I mean, could I handle being
friends
with someone like him?

Was that even possible when I wanted so much
more
?

When I couldn’t stand the thought of him being with anyone else?

When–

“I’m in love with him,” I murmured into my phone, feeling warm tears slide down my already wet cheeks. I leaned against the bathroom wall with my knees up to my chin; a complete wreck. The shower was running but I had no interest in getting up from my position on the cold linoleum. “Lily… he doesn’t even know how much.”

“He never will if you don’t tell him,” she responded softly.

“I can’t tell him, you know that,” I sighed, wiping my eyes with the side of my palm.

“You’ve risked so much, already, Emery. I really think you’ve got nothing more to lose with just letting him know the truth.”

“Except everything,” I muttered, tearing up all over again. “Lily I’ve already told him too much. I asked him for a label, in so many words, and he said,
I don’t know.
He left the freaking country – he’s halfway across the Atlantic by now – and I’m sitting here with my ass on the bathroom floor, bawling my eyes out. I’ve given him so much already, why give him more to use against me? I’ll just seem even more pathetic to him.”

“
Em,” Lily sighed. “You know how he is, though. We kinda talked about this; maybe you kind of freaked him out with the label thing. His first response wasn’t ‘friends’ or ‘fuck buddies’… you know? You just caught him by surprise. Boys don’t think before they speak sometimes.”

“Yeah, well, I’m convinced that if he felt half of what I felt I would’ve gotten something other than ‘I don’t know’. I just don’t understand why he’d get so close to me if he doesn’t feel the same,” I mused, staring at the sunflower wallpaper lining the walls of the spacious but dated room.

“You don’t know that, though!” Lily insisted.

“Do you think I should’ve just slept with him?” I sighed in defeat, laying my head back so it hit the wall.

“What? No. If anything, I’m sorry for being one of those jackasses that got the idea so far into your head that you believed you were ready… it was completely your business, your choice–”

“Lily, it’s not your fault.”

“Well I feel like it is,” she apologized. “I definitely think you should stop questioning your decision. Never give yourself up if you’re not completely sure about it – worst thing you could ever do. You’d be so much worse if you went through with it and then found out he was leaving. Believe it or not, though, not all men are all sex, all the time. Fox is definitely capable of overlooking that need if he cares about someone.”

I thought back to that night.

“Lily,” I sniffed.

“Yeah, babe?”

“Thanks.”

She chuckled. “For what?”

“Dealing with me.”

“Hey, you dealt with me. What’re friends for, right? I just wish I could hug you right now.”

The last two tears spilled out of the corners of my eyes.

“I wish you could, too,” I said with a broken voice.

Chapter 37

Lily was an amazing friend, I commended her efforts. I really did. Every day after graduation she’d come over and we’d do something.

To be honest, at first I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t feel like I was capable of being fun.

However, there were several key factors that prevented me from staying at home all day eating ice cream and microwaved pizza. For one thing, it wasn’t my house. The last thing I wanted to do was sulk in front of my parents and grandparents – no way in hell was I explaining my situation to them, especially prom night. Secondly, my grandparents didn’t even have ice cream or good, high quality junk food. Something about not having enough enamel to stand the pain? Thirdly, I got a car. It wasn’t anything special, but for my first car a used ’06 Chevy Cobalt was pretty alright. I wanted to drive it.

So we went places – the mall, the park, the lake, the beach, the movies. We did whatever there was to do at least four times over in less than a month’s time. By late July I was pretty stable in terms of going on with my summer. I couldn’t very well just sit in bed.