Where Words Fail (6 page)

I grabbed my guitar, portable amp and headphones and began to play the song that’s been stuck in my head since I realized who was standing in front of me last night. I didn’t know where it came from, but I couldn’t get the tune or the lyrics out of my head. So I played them over and over and wrote them down. Who knows... Maybe one day she’ll let me play them for her.

Abby

My arms were worse than I thought when I went down and checked them out, so I covered them with Neosporin and bandages and then slid a pair of lime green arm sleeves over them. AJ had totally ruined my good mood after last night’s drunken fuck. So what did I do since we’re moving and I very well can’t run to a bar and do it all over again? I grabbed my acoustic and made my way to the bedroom. Halfway there I remembered that I had written something and shoved it in my jeans last night. So I grabbed that and continued on my way.

Unfolding the napkin I was surprised by how neat it was after that many drinks and how good it actually looked like it would sound. Sitting on the bed, I slid back and rested my back against the wall with my guitar across my lap. I began strumming to what I had written. The lyrics made me shiver and wonder why the hell I was thinking about Jameson’s eyes while I was writing them and what the hell they even meant.

Your eyes they haunt my dreams

Clouding up my reality

Please just let me run away

Please just let me forget

I just need a little whiskey, baby

Just a little to take the pain away

Baby won’t you be my whiskey dream

‘Cause you’re better than my, sober reality

I went on and on for hours before I finally got it right. Jason hauled me out of the room and made me eat something. I came face to face with the blue eyes that haunted me, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why. I mumbled my apologies about this morning to everyone and was forced into the booth across from Jameson by AJ. I was having a hard time even looking at him. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why that song came to me while I was drunk.

Jameson

She wasn’t looking at me. She was answering questions from the guys in one word answers and picking at her food. This isn’t the girl I remember. The girl I was in love with nine years ago was strong, stood her ground and didn’t let anything get her down. But then again, evidently I didn’t know much about her.

I didn’t know her parents had died. How could I have been so in love with a girl whom I didn’t know anything about? We were together for months, but we were so consumed with each other. I only met one person in her life. Alex. And I only met him a handful of times. I never met AJ or anyone else in her life. It’s crazy. Maybe she figured out who I was, or maybe I didn’t really remember her right. Maybe she was always like this, and I just didn’t realize it.

After lunch she popped her headphones in and made her way back to her bunk.

“Don’t mind her,” AJ started. “If she doesn’t come out of it by the time she talks to Izzy and Alex tonight then she will when the show starts tomorrow.” I just nodded, cleaned up and hung out with the guys for the rest of the day. Abby only came out to use the bathroom and for her Skype session, which everyone got in on except me. Luckily, AJ was right. She came out of her funk the second she stepped on stage.

“Hello Chicago!” Fans screamed so loud I swore I would be deaf by the end of the night. “So as all of you know Derek Jacobs, our lovely guitar player is going to be out for a while. So I would personally like to introduce to you... For the first time ever as part of Thirty Ought Six... Mr. Jameson Williams!”

Jameson

We’ve made it through almost three weeks. We have two shows left, and then I’m not sure what’s going on. From what I understand Abby needed some family time so AJ and Jason are going home to help her with some stuff. That leaves me... And I have no clue what I’m going to be doing. I have no idea what to do with myself anymore. Since I found out I was chosen to do this I’ve eaten, slept and breathed this tour and what’s going to come after it. Even after I found out it was Abby I’d be touring with and had the initial shock of wondering what would happen if she found out, I still gave it my all. Then even if she found out she could only get rid of me because of personal issues.

I’ve spent every day since I showed up chewing on my tongue to keep myself from slipping up. To keep myself from telling her I missed her, and that I still loved her. I never stopped.

It took everything in me not to pull her hair off her neck while I’m standing behind her and kissing her in that spot she always loved... The one right below her ear. I spent my nights holed up in my bunk trying not to sneak over to hers and hold her the way I’ve always dreamt of. I had to force myself to stay in my bunk while she was screaming in the middle of the night, because AJ said if I try to wake her up it would just make it worse.

I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep this up, but it seems it wasn’t going to be up to me to choose either.

It was about three hours before the second to last show and Abby and the guys were skyping with Alex and Izzy. It’s their nightly routine. Abby was answering all of Izzy’s insanely crazy questions about Boston. I, being the total dumbass that I am made the mistake of walking behind her towards the bunk.

“Aunnie, who’s that?”

Abby swiveled around from her usual perch on the backwards chair at the counter to see who walked by. “Oh, Izzy I can’t believe I haven’t introduced you guys. Jameson come here. This Izzy, is Jameson. He’s the new guitar player. Jameson, this is my niece Izzy.”

“Hey Izzy… It’s nice to meet you.” I’ve heard this girl talk before. She’s usually sweet and talkative.

“Do you do drugs?” Whoa... Never expected that from a six year old.

“Izzy!” Both Abby and Alex scolded her.

“No, it’s ok guys.” I turned my attention back to the screen. “No, Izzy. I do not do drugs?”

“Good... Because drugs are bad and don’t think for one second I wouldn’t make you go right where Uncle Derek is.”

“Well I certainly hope you would. I don’t like drugs or what they do to people.” Abby smiled beside me as I said my goodbyes to Izzy and started to walk away, but Abby grabbed my arm and told me she wanted me to meet Alex too. My stomach dropped. My hands started to sweat, and my heart was racing a mile a minute. I knew. I
knew
something bad was going to happen.

I should have run away. Run away and not look back.

“Hey Alex, this is Jameso...”

“YOU SON OF A BITCH!” He screamed into the camera as soon as he saw me. His face contorting and turning an awful shade of red as his eyes practically bulge out of his head.

“ALEX! What the hell is your problem?” She screamed.

“You fucking asshole... I told you... I fucking told you if you ever hurt her I’d kill you. I thought you were good for her you fucker! Then you up and leave in the middle of the night without so much as a word. I’m going to fucking kill you!”

I couldn’t breathe. Abby kept trying to talk but she couldn’t get a word in edgewise because he kept screaming at me. She kept trying until it dawned on her what he was talking about.

My world shattered as her face fell and her eyes filled up with tears.

I was right. I should have run away. Now I officially know what her face must’ve looked like when she realized I had left nine years ago. When her fist made contact with my face, I realized one of two things. One, I could now see why she would be the one the guys would choose to have backing them in a fight and two, I deserved a hell of a lot more than just being punched...

Abby

I didn’t even realize what I was doing before my fist connected with his face. I don’t know how many times I hit him but after the second time he was bleeding pretty bad. I kept going, as I let every emotion that was running through me out through my fists. The weird thing was... He never stopped me, never defended himself, never put his hands up to protect himself, and never even uttered a word. He just sat there with his eyes pleading with me as I hit him until Jason pulled me back and pinned me to his body.

How the hell did I not see it? Granted he’s like eight inches taller than he was when he was eighteen. His hair was longer, and his voice was deeper. His jaw was more defined, and his body was a hell of a lot bigger. But seriously... How the hell did I miss it? His eyes were the same amazing, sapphire blue they were nine years ago. That’s where I fucking know them from. Not some opening act.

I can’t believe I missed it. I kept running over things in my head as I clenched my fists into Jason’s shirt and Alex’s voice continued blaring through the speaker on my phone. How the hell did I forget his full name was Jameson? Son of a bitch!

“Abby! What the fuck is Jamie doing on your tour bus?” He screamed.

“Who the fuck is Jamie, Alex?” AJ came sauntering onto the bus, eyes wide at the scene that had unfolded while he was outside.

“That mother fucking blonde piece of shit standing in front of you!”

“Alex... That’s Jameson... He’s the guitar player Derek picked out to replace him. How do you know him and why the hell are you calling him Jamie.”

Alex started to speak again... Correction... Scream. He screamed at the camera, his words so jumbled you couldn’t understand him.

“I can’t handle this right now.” I pushed myself away from Jason and grabbed my phone and hit the end button. No warning, no I love you and no goodbyes. I couldn’t even handle my own thoughts right now, let alone the screaming of my brother. I swear, if you listened hard enough you could still hear him screaming even though we were thousands of miles apart.

I grabbed my sweatshirt and threw it on along with my flip flops, ignoring the questions falling out of Jason and AJ’s mouth and the pained stare from Jameson. I ran towards the door and flew out of it. I ripped the battery from my phone and shoved it in my pocket. I heard the door open and my name being hollered behind me, but I kept running.

I knew it wasn’t Jason or AJ. They both know not to follow me. They knew no matter what I would show up at the show. That I wouldn’t let anyone down. So I knew I had to keep running even through the tears that were streaking down my face.

“Abby! Stop!” He grabbed my shoulders and spun me around to face him, so I shoved him and started yelling. We were being stared at. Cell phones were capturing pictures, maybe even videos. I know they’ll be online in a few minutes with some story behind them.

“Why... Why the hell should I? Hmm? So you can tell me all your sorry stories about how you didn’t mean to hurt me? So you can tell me it was you, not me? Well let me stop you right there you son of a bitch! You’re right, it was you, not me. You left me! I fucking loved you… I loved you with everything I had in me. And you LEFT! No fucking goodbye! No, sorry kid for ruining you for the rest of your life. No, you got everything you wanted from me. You left!” I sobbed and kept shoving him back, my accent getting heavier the more upset I got. “So just stop right fucking now and turn around, get back on that bus, clean yourself up, get on that stage and do your fucking job tonight!”

“Abby for Christ sakes let me explain!”

“NO! I don’t want your goddamn explanations!”