Where Words Fail (4 page)

My life was great till I got arrested and met Matt. He wasn’t in the cell with me. Nope, he was waiting for his dad, who just happened to be the police chief. He was cute. I was drunk and figured I could lose myself in him just like the others. Boy, was I right. I ended up hanging out with Matt more than any other guy in my life and naturally, it headed into a relationship.

He was sweet, paid attention to me and could tell when I was about to jump head first into something stupid. He knew all about Jamie. I don’t remember it, but I guess I opened up to him the night I was in jail. Matt said I told him all about the boy who broke my heart, and he said all he wanted to do was glue it back together. I don’t think I ever really loved Matt. I’d like to think that maybe a part of me did, but it was nothing even compared to what I felt with Jamie. It wasn’t even in the same universe, but I felt ok with him because he was the total opposite of Jamie.

Matt and I were together for a year and a half and the day I turned eighteen we moved in together. Three weeks after that Matt said something about Jamie that made me snap and I told him to shut the fuck up.

Let me just say that having your skull bashed off a ceramic sink isn’t the most pleasant feeling in the world.

He took me to the hospital and told them I had slipped on the wet floor and hit my head. No one questioned him because he was the police chief’s son. He apologized to me, saying he was so sorry, and that it would never happen again. Silly me, I believed him. It didn’t take long before I was scared to breathe without his permission, and before long I was covering bruises, just so I could go outside of the house. I kept myself in that mess for three months thinking I had no other options.

It wasn’t until Alex showed up early one morning before I had a chance to put my makeup on. Matt was still home and when Alex asked what had happened he just laughed and said it was my own damn fault for getting in the way.

Alex beat the hell out of him. Matt stood no chance against my well-built brother. After knocking him out Alex called the police and packed my things while waiting for them to show up. When Matt’s father came through the door, he was tripping over himself with apologies, saying he didn’t raise his son to be that way. He helped me through everything leading up to putting his own son away for domestic abuse.

After that I went back to meeting guys only to forget. Who needed to be woken up in the middle of the night by my nightmares while they’re sleeping next to me? It was bad enough that Alex and the guys in the band knew about them. I didn’t even want to think about how to explain them to Jameson. I don’t think I could hide the real reasons from him.

There’s something about him that made me open up. Something about him that seemed familiar, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Normally, it took me weeks, sometimes months for me to open up and tell people about myself. Telling him that story tonight was huge! And it just kind of slipped off my tongue. It scares me that I opened up to him so easily. I’m going to have to keep reminding myself not to get attached because everyone leaves. So that means I am going to have to go do something to take my mind off him.

Earlier tonight when I was skyping with Alex, I realized how bad he was starting to look. His eyes were sunken in a bit more than last week. His skin was a bit paler, and he looked like he hadn’t slept in a week. Even Izzy picked up on it. Being only six she’s smart. When we told her Alex was sick she told us flat out that she didn’t want to be lied to. I think she wants to know so she knows when to prepare herself. She wants as much time as possible with him, so we promised her we would keep her in the loop.

Alex was diagnosed with cancer four months ago. A tumor is wrapped around his heart. Between the drugs and chemo, the doctors gave him a fifty-fifty chance. I’m petrified to lose my brother. He’s my twin, the other half of me. But I’m more worried about Izzy than I am about myself.

I know what it’s like to lose both parents. It isn’t fair. It’s something she shouldn’t have to deal with at six. If he dies, who’s going to chase the monsters away? Who’s going to chase off the bad boys when she starts dating? Who’s going to walk her down the aisle when she gets married? Oh that’s right... Me.

Everything falls on me if Alex dies.

The doctors wanted to see if they could shrink it with meds. We have three weeks left on this tour, and then I managed to get everyone to take a break, so I could take care of my family. They all understood. Hell, AJ, Jason and Tuesday were coming back to the ranch to help out since they live there anyway.

Somewhere along the line Izzy started considering them family. Derek was too. I think what got him to go to rehab finally was her. She saw him one day when he was high and instantly knew something was off about him. She grabbed his hand and yanked him down to her level, pinning him with her stare and attitude. She told him to get his shit together because she wasn’t losing anyone else in her life because he was being dumb.

Yes, she said shit... But at six, she seemed to be the only one to get through to him and believe me, we all tried. Maybe it was the tears, maybe it was the Irons’ attitude she inherited. He was messing up shows, showing up late for everything and was constantly doing something to get his ass in a tabloid or jail. So if it takes my baby niece swearing at him to get him straight, you’re damn right I’m going to let it happen.

I slipped into my tank top and shorts, threw my hair up in a ponytail, washed my makeup off and replaced my contacts with my glasses. If I were to leave right now, walk out into public like this, no one would recognize me. They’re all used to me being all glammed up, I like me like this.

Sometimes I like going out like this, hiding in plain sight because I miss the little things. Things like grocery shopping or pumping gas in my truck when I’m home without people snapping pictures. Or being able to take Izzy to the park without needing a bodyguard.

I didn’t even realize I wanted this life. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love what I do. I love making music and making people happy, giving them something to attach to their emotions. But I thought what I wanted was a quiet home life, husband and kids, with the one guy I ever let in. The one guy who effectively broke my heart and caused it so much damage, I wasn’t sure it was repairable. I think I might still want that someday, but I haven’t figured out how that would work with this lifestyle. I’m constantly on the go, most of the time I’m not in the same place for more than two days, and I wake up not even knowing what state I’m in. It’s crazy. Izzy has been on tour with us a few times and loves it, but I think it would be wearing on her after a while.

My mind keeps racing as I slip into my bunk. Racing around Alex being sick and how I’m going to fix everything but then my mind reels right around to the blonde Adonis who just walked into our lives and why the hell he looks so familiar. His eyes are the same as the ones that haunt me every night when I close my eyes. Maybe he’s opened for a group we’ve seen or played at a bar we’ve been to before.

Shit, I just can’t lay here. I slipped back out of the bunk, slung on a pair of jeans, a hoodie, my glasses and my sneakers and headed towards the door.

Before I made it to the door Jason grabbed my arm and asked me where I was going.

“I’m just going out... I need... Some air.” I peeled my arm out of his grip and started back towards the door. I’d do just about anything to get away from the new pair of blue eyes that were staring me down right now.

“Don’t do anything stupid Abby. I know it’s hard, but you can’t chase it away like this.”

“I’m not trying to chase it away Jay... I’m just trying to forget, for all of half a second. I’ll be back in a bit.” I tapped my hand against the doorframe and closed it behind me. The air on the bus was starting to suffocate me, and I couldn’t get away fast enough. I pulled my hood over my head and ran towards the bar that I saw up the road. Alcohol and sex... That was my cure for everything.

Jameson

“Um, does she usually run off in the middle of the night by herself?” I stared wide eyed at Jason after Abby slammed the door. It’s like she couldn’t get out of here fast enough.

Looking at her in her glasses and hoodie she looks identical to when she was fifteen. There was no mistaking her now. Part of me wonders what would have happened between us if my father hadn’t given me an ultimatum, and I was able to stay with her.

The other part wonders if I’ll be able to walk away again when she figures out who I am. Maybe she figured out who I was and that’s why she was in such a rush to get out and away from me just now.

He shrugged. “Every now and then. There’s no stopping her but she’s like a runaway dog... She always finds her way home when she’s ready. I hate it when she does it but she’s a big girl.”

“So she just runs off. What if she gets hurt?” I’d hate to think of her out there alone and hurt and now I kind of want to chase after her to keep an eye on her.

He chuckled. “After the first night she ran off and landed her ass in jail for starting a brawl, Paul follows her. She doesn’t have a clue so don’t tell her. If she knew she would figure out another way to sneak off.”

“What does she do when she runs off like that? It looks like she saw a ghost or something.” Yeah, a ghost as in from a terrible part of her past being dragged to life again.

Jason peeled the edge of the label on his beer bottle and thought for a few minutes before answering me. “Every ones got their own demon’s man. As soon as I heard she told you that story I knew she was going to run. She doesn’t open up to anyone this fast. It took her two months for her to tell me she had a niece. AJ grew up with her, so he filled me in so I wouldn’t push her. Her life... Man, her life has sucked. So she deals with it the only way she can. She doesn’t do it often though.”

“How’s that?” I know I probably shouldn’t be asking. I probably didn’t want to know the answer, but at the same time I wanted to know more about what I’ve missed out on the past nine years. I wanted to know everything, and that scared the hell out of me.

He sighed. “Alcohol and sex. She’s not a big partier after the shows. I mean she will sit around and drink a few with us but she’s never really gotten into the groupie thing. She’d rather people didn’t know who she was when she was fucking them. At least then they don’t have motives other than a quick screw.” I balled my fists under the table.

Yup, I was totally right about probably not wanting to know. Knowing she was out there screwing another guy made me furious. I was her first. I always wanted to be her last. Her only. I knew that would never happen after the night I left, but I could still wish.

“Wait... She started a brawl?” My mind reeled back to what he had been saying. I couldn’t comprehend how such a small thing could do that.

“Yeah. She ended up in some biker bar because that was the only bar near us at the time. Some chick said something stupid and Abby started beating people up. She’s little dude. Fucking tiny, but I wouldn’t start a fight with her. Hell, she’s someone I’d want to have my back in one.”

Holy hell evidently my cock thinks that her being tough is the hottest thing ever because I had to adjust myself under the table. I can’t even begin to imagine what makes her run off and do shit like that to herself, but the fact that she opened up to me so quickly makes me wonder. She never did that before. The only person I knew in her life was Alex. How in the hell I hadn’t met AJ before was beyond me.

Abby

God, I love the smell of a bar. It smells like freedom and forgetfulness. Those are two things I love. I kept my hood up and my glasses on as I slide up onto the stool and let my feet dangle. I slip the bartender my credit card and tell her to open a tab. The card has Alex’s name on it, so I’m not worried about her figuring out who I am.

“What can I get you honey?”

“Jack, straight up, please and keep ‘em coming.”

“Sure thing.”

That’s one thing I like about bars over therapy. As long as the money is there they don’t question me. I don’t need to talk about my feelings or why I am destructive like this. Hell, they don’t even question me when I haul some guy into the alley. Which I plan on doing in a bit.

I can’t seem to wrap my mind around why I opened up so fast to Jameson. It’s like I wasn’t even in control of my mouth. Between telling him I hope he was good with his fingers to telling him about my family, I just want to slap myself. That’s not like me. I just want him out of my head.