Whatever It Takes (Second Chances #2) (3 page)

CHAPTER FOUR

ryan

I
tried to get the car seat buckled in the middle of the bench seat in my truck, but holy shit—some engineer must be laughing his head off somewhere at all the idiots trying to work these things. Straps and buckles and nothing made any sense.

Finally with a little sigh of frustration, Tess pushed my hands aside and pulled the seat belt around it and clicked the belt shut. Oh. That didn’t make me feel dumb at all.

I tried to ignore the way she smelled like strawberries when she leaned in close. Or how every nerve pulled tight when her fingers brushed over mine.

It was like all those years just disappeared. Being this close to her screwed up my head. I wanted to ask her so many damned questions that I practically choked on them, but I didn’t. That show of defiance when I told her that I could fix her car made me want to smile.
That
was my Tess. She’d been missing when I first approached her and it worried me, but it didn’t take long for the spark I remembered to come through.

The girl who used to call me on my bullshit and, in the same breath, tell me that she loved me. God, how the hell was I supposed to reconcile that girl with the one sitting next to me now?

She glanced over at me and I recognized the look of both hopelessness and sheer determination in her eyes. Seth had the same look when he got out of prison and couldn’t help his sister, Sara.

He could have gone either way in the weeks that followed. He almost had despite the fact that both Avery and I tried to help him. When he went after his stepfather, I thought that was it. I thought I’d have to visit my best friend behind bars for the next ten to twenty.

But Seth finally got a break from the shitfest that had been his life and now Sara was out of rehab and on her way to a real life, and Seth didn’t have those shadows in his eyes anymore. Because Avery gave enough of a shit to make him see he was worth it.

Which has nothing to do with this situation, I reminded myself.

“So where to?” I asked when she closed the door and pulled on her seat belt.

Tess gave me directions to her home, and I was surprised to hear that it was only about a half mile from Granite Estates. Neither was in the best part of town. I wanted to ask, but it wasn’t really my business. I glanced over at Noah, who was sitting in the middle of the bench seat, singing the ABCs. Tess had her head resting on the glass, staring out the window. I turned the heat up as soon as the truck was warm enough.

“Let me know if it gets too hot, ’kay?” I told her.

She gave me a short nod in reply but didn’t turn her head away from the window. If Noah wasn’t sitting there, I’d be tempted to ask her what happened to her life. I assumed it had something to do with Noah. There wasn’t a ring on her finger, and the amount of groceries she’d bought would barely feed her and Noah, let alone someone else.

It struck me that she hadn’t called anyone, or asked to borrow my cell. Because there wasn’t anyone at home to call?

So she was doing this alone, as far as I could tell.

Why did that make my heart rate speed up?

“What’s that?” Noah asked, pointing to the toolbox I had wedged in front of the bench seat.

“My tools. I build things.”

“I build things too,” Noah said proudly. “I have a
lot
of blocks, and I make tall castles that my cars can go through. Do you have a lot of blocks too?”

I chuckled. “Yeah, I guess I do. But I use nails and hammers and a saw to build houses.”

His eyes got round. “Wow. I need a hammer and a saw too.”

Tess chuckled. The sound raised goose bumps on my arms. Damn it. “Yeah, I don’t think so,” she said. Her gaze met mine for a second, then dropped.

“But I could build us a real house, like in the picture we have,” Noah said.

Tess’s face crumpled and she looked away. Her fingers curled into fists in her lap and I could see her shoulders rising and falling as she sucked in deep breaths.

Shit. That haunted look was back. The one that made me want to pull her close and not let go. Tess had always had this confidence, this light around her that drew people like moths to a flame. It’s what caught my attention all those years ago.

Even back then, I just knew she was going places. Not only because she was crazy smart but also because her determination didn’t leave room for anyone to doubt her ability.

But I didn’t see any of that in the girl sitting in my truck.

“Hey, buddy, maybe you can be my helper when I come back and fix your mom’s car tomorrow?” I asked, trying to distract him and Tess. From what I had no idea, but it was clear as day, something about a picture made her draw far inside herself.

“Her name is Tess,” Noah said, puffing out his little chest. “And I can do that,” he said excitedly.

I saw Tess relax her shoulders, and her fingers loosened in her lap. I wanted to tell him I already knew her name, had known it for a while, but it didn’t seem like the time.

“Cool.” I reached over and ruffled his hair, then wondered why the hell I just did that. What the hell was I
doing
?
Playing with fire
, a voice in my head said. I ignored it.

“This it?” I asked as we got close to Center Street.

“Turn right here, then it’s the building on the left.” Tess straightened up and reached down to get her purse.

I pulled the truck into a small parking lot. It looked like there were eight units, four on top and four on the bottom. The building could use some work and definitely some paint. I hoped she was in one of the top ones, since it was a little safer up there.

“I’m that one. Three B.” She pointed at the end apartment, top floor, and I pulled into a spot with a tilted sign that read
3B
in faded paint. Tess reached over and unbuckled Noah, then started to push the door open before I could pull the keys out of the ignition.

“Hold on.” I turned off the truck and pulled the seat belt free, then jumped out and jogged around to her door. When I opened it, a bemused smile crossed her face.

“Thank you.” She hopped out and then lifted Noah down. He immediately headed toward the steps that led up.

I helped Tess collect her bags and the car seat, but kept it and the heavier bags to carry for her.

She tilted her head and looked up at me. The gesture was so familiar that it took me a second to remember we weren’t teenagers anymore. This weird mixing of the past and present was fucking with my head.

“I can carry those myself you know,” she said.

“I know. I just need to feel useful.” I gave her a half smile and a shrug.

Noah had reached the small balcony and waved down at us. “You coming, guys?” he yelled down.

Tess shifted her bags and I thought she was going to ask for the ones I was holding, but with a resigned shrug of her shoulders she turned and started leading me up the stairs. I followed behind, trying to keep my eyes above the waist. And almost succeeded. I was an ass man, and damn, she had always had a nice one that seemed to have only improved.

I shook my head.

Not going there.

Then what the hell are you doing carrying her groceries, dumb
-ass?

Hell if I knew.

She stopped in front of the door and Noah dug into her purse. He pulled out the keys and struggled to push one into the lock.

“I got it. I got it,” he muttered.

I caught Tess’s gaze and chuckled. This kid was a hoot. I didn’t have a lot of experience with little kids, but he seemed damned smart for his age. Which made me wonder exactly how old he was and what the story was with him.

She’d always wanted kids, but not until we were older and had that house with the blue door and pink roses all around the front. After she became a famous astronomer, of course.

Looked like her dreams had changed.

Finally Noah pushed the door open with a loud
tada
and ran inside. Tess stepped in, then turned, and I could literally see her wall go right back up.

“I can leave these right here, if you want.” I got it. This was awkward for her too. What was she going to do, invite me in for coffee? Pretend the last seven years had never happened and ignore the kid in the room?

Her cheeks turned red but she held my gaze. “That would probably be best, yeah. I wasn’t expecting anyone. It’s kind of a mess right now. Well, most of the time honestly, but Noah refused to pick up his toys before we left for the store, so it’s pretty bad.”

I doubted there was even enough mess to worry about. After my mother walked out, my father barely found the energy to take the trash to the Dumpster. How many times did I throw out the dishes because they sat encrusted with food for so long, it was easier to throw them away?

But I wasn’t going to be an ass and call her out on her obvious lie. “No problem, I should get going anyway so I can call my buddy and get your car back here.” I was going to see her tomorrow, so why the hell wouldn’t my feet move away now?

“Hey, mister, you wanna see my blocks?” Noah asked from just inside.

“Maybe next time, buddy. And hey, get a good night’s sleep tonight. Can’t have my helper too tired to help.”

“I will!”

“Oh, can I see your phone?” I asked her.

Her eyes widened and I saw her fingers go tight around her bags.

“I want you to have my number in case something comes up or maybe if you get a better offer.” Her choked-out laugh was worth it. It eased some of the strain around her eyes.

“Noah, can you give Ryan my phone, please.”

Hearing my name on her lips hadn’t gotten old yet. And that should have me running for the fucking hills like a madman. Instead, Noah brought me her phone and I programmed my number in. “I should be here around ten tomorrow, if that’s okay?”

She nodded. “That sounds good. And . . .” She took a deep breath, as if the words hurt to get out. “And thank you, Ryan. For the ride and for fixing my car.”

“I’m glad I was there to help you.” And I meant it. I actually never expected to see Tess again, but now that I had, I almost wished I hadn’t. Not like this.

Not close enough to see how vulnerable and tired and determined she was.

Because the girl I used to love needed help, and fuck me if I’d be able to walk away from that.

CHAPTER FIVE

tess

I
would have bet a night’s pay that Ryan wouldn’t show up in the morning. I knew he hadn’t gotten my number, only given me his, so he’d be out nothing if he just didn’t come by. As awkward as yesterday had been, I still wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I got to see Ryan.

And it was obvious that seven years had not changed the way he made me feel. Which was what had me half hoping he didn’t show up this morning. I knew nothing about his life. Did he have someone at home? Someone like him surely would.

Even when we were younger, running round the trailer park and getting into trouble, I knew there was something special about him. He was a good guy. Fair. Honest. I saw it whenever his friend Seth got into trouble, or when one of the smaller kids got picked on, or even the way he treated my grandma.

We started out as friends, but somewhere around eighth grade I started to see him differently. I’d been so afraid that if he knew, it would change everything. Then one night, the summer before we started freshman year, he kissed me on my grandma’s porch and asked if I’d be his girlfriend.

He was my first real friend. Then my boyfriend. Then he was my first
first
and I swore that it would be him forever. Looking back I can’t believe he let me go on and on about how many kids we’d have and the kind of house we’d have and even the color of our dog.

Part of me ached to be that girl again. So full of hope.

But now I had my life, and surely Ryan had his.

I couldn’t help the stab of jealousy that flared to life picturing him in someone else’s arms. He wasn’t mine. I knew that the day I realized what a mistake I had made, but it still didn’t make it hurt less. I had loved him. Enough to take my chances and trust that we would be the ones that surpassed the odds. I trusted him to take care of me.

My father had managed to change all that.

And I broke that good heart.

So I wouldn’t have blamed him a bit if he had just walked away like I’d done seven years ago, but instead he’d done exactly what he said he’d do. Around five yesterday, a tow truck pulled in and left my car right in front of the apartment.

Trustworthy. Dependable. Things I’d always known about Ryan. Things that had not changed over the years.

When the knock came at ten this morning, my heart was in my throat as I pulled open the door. Yesterday Noah wanted to go to the park first thing, so I threw on the only clean clothes I had and called it good. After an afternoon of doing laundry, I realized that all we had left to eat was a box of cereal and no milk.

When I ran into Ryan at the grocery, I was definitely not looking my best.

This morning I’d gotten up early, showered and blow-dried my hair, then used the straightener on it. I found my cutest top, a short-sleeved wispy blouse that had elastic at the waist and flattered my curves. It was supposed to get up to around seventy degrees today, so I opted for my favorite jeans even though they had a few faded spots.

I even put on a tiny bit of makeup. Not as much as if I were going to work, but enough to accentuate my eyes. Ryan told me once he thought my eyes were beautiful. Not that I was using that information at all.

After yesterday, when he saw me in my rattiest jeans and no makeup, I was determined to show him I could still clean up well. Maybe even make him notice me a little. Which was ridiculous, but it didn’t change anything.

And still, I wanted to look good for him.

My heart hammered in my chest when I answered the door. God, it was going to be one hundred shades of obvious that I got all made up for him. I wanted to run back into the bathroom and wash my face and pull my hair up, but it was too late.

With a deep breath, I pulled open the door.

“Hi.”

He stood there smiling and I was lost in his eyes.

“Can I come in?”

Shit. I swung the door wide. “Yes. Come in.”

Ryan stepped inside and I let the door close. The room immediately felt smaller. My skin tingled with awareness when he turned and his gaze lazily roamed down, then back up. “You look good. Maybe a little dressed up to change a starter . . .” He gave me that lopsided grin again and my cheeks turned even redder. Right. Car repairs.

“I can change . . .”

“No,” he said quickly. Now it was his turn to duck his head. “I mean, you’ll probably just be supervising and making sure Noah doesn’t get every inch of himself covered in grease, anyway.”

“He’ll be out in a sec. He’s getting dressed. All by himself,” I emphasized as I rolled my eyes affectionately. “Something he’s been very adamant about lately, now that he’s almost four. Practically a man, you know.”

Ryan chuckled and then we stood in awkward silence until I lifted an eyebrow and looked at the four to-go cups in his hand. “Are you expecting more help?”

“Oh, right. I didn’t know what you took in your coffee . . .” His eyebrows dipped down. “Hell, I’m not even sure if you still drink coffee, but there is a black, a chai latte—whatever that is—a mocha, and a cappuccino. I also grabbed a raisin bagel, a couple of glazed doughnuts, and a cheese Danish.”

“You brought us breakfast?” When was the last time anyone had done that? I thought back. Never. No one had ever brought me breakfast, much less several choices because he wasn’t sure what I liked.

It was amazingly thoughtful.

And totally unexpected.

And totally something Ryan would do.

I held his gaze a few seconds longer than I needed to. He smelled good, like minty soap and shampoo. He’d worn a dark red T-shirt and jeans and boots like yesterday and could have posed for some hunk-of-the-month calendar I’m sure.

His baseball cap was already on backward and I knew his eyes would be a tantalizingly rich mix of brown and green because I had never forgotten them.

“Yeah. Thought you guys might be hungry?” Ryan said, asking more than telling. “If you already ate, I’ll just set it on the counter for later.”

I stared at the holder. There was over twenty dollars’ worth of coffee, not to mention the baked goods, and he did it because he didn’t know what I liked? I was at a loss. I’d been with Jason for a year at Brown and he never once brought me coffee.

The little things, the small gestures: that’s what got me.

I remembered how good Ryan was at those. Like he didn’t even have to think about it. Biology notes when I had the flu. A note in my locker when I got a B on a test. Flowers on our first official date.

And after that night we had sex for the first time . . . I still had the necklace he gave me, the one with the crescent moon that said
LOVE
on it, tucked inside my jewelry box.

“So . . .” He looked so uncomfortable standing there that I jolted out of my nostalgic thoughts and took the coffee and bag from him.

“For the record, I love coffee, any kind as long as it’s hot. Noah adores doughnuts, not so much the coffee. It’s not really in vogue with the three-year-old set just now.” I smiled over my shoulder and set the bag on the secondhand coffee table I’d found at Goodwill. I knew I was babbling but I was still trying to process that Ryan had thought about me before he got here this morning. Having Ryan in my apartment should have felt weird, but it was strangely comfortable. He had yet to ask the questions I knew must be burning up his tongue. I took the coward’s way out and just stopped calling him. He deserved so much better than that now, but at the time . . . well, it was a different time in my life and I couldn’t go back.

And this? This was just a couple of hours.

“I hope you know what you’re in for. You might not get anything done with Noah helping, you know.”

I grabbed the chai latte, something I would never order myself because of the cost, and took a sip. I might have moaned out loud because Ryan’s gaze snapped to my lips. I felt the now-familiar heat climbing up my cheeks.

“Good choice,” I mumbled, trying to hide the embarrassment.

Ryan smiled and started toward me. My heart leapt in my chest. “I let the girl at the coffee shop choose.” He stopped just in front of me and I almost choked on my mouthful of chai. Oh, my God, was he going to kiss me?

Would I let him?

Was it getting hot in here?

Maybe it was just me.

Just when I thought he might lean in, he reached around me and took the black coffee, then stepped back. “Figured this was a safe choice, but on the off chance you like your coffee plain, I don’t mind a good mocha.”

“Ryan!” a chipper voice called out.

I watched Noah as he came barreling out of the bathroom, and cringed. He had on a bright orange shirt with a dump truck printed on the front, and red checkered shorts and green socks and . . . his rain boots.

“Whoa.” I heard Ryan chuckle.

“Right?” I said with a laugh. But I could see the pride shining from Noah’s face when he came to a teetering stop in front of Ryan. Last night he’d talked about nothing but Ryan. He made sure his toolbox was ready right next to his bed and he even took a bath without a single complaint.

And he actually slept all night. Ryan was like the toddler whisperer.

“Hey, buddy. I brought doughnuts.” Ryan grabbed the bag and held it out. “Do you like doughnuts?”

Noah’s eyes got so big I thought they might pop out of his head, and he nodded vigorously. Doughnuts were a treat. With every single penny going toward necessities, it wasn’t often I splurged, even for something so small. I didn’t want to have to say no the next time Noah asked.

After Noah pulled out his doughnut, Ryan held the bag out for me. “Doughnut, Danish, or bagel.”

It had been so long since I’d had a Danish that my mouth was already watering before I even took a bite. How pathetic was that? I took a big bite and, this time, managed to keep my moans to myself. But oh, my God was it so good.

“We never get doughnuts,” Noah said. He grinned up at Ryan, his mouth covered in glaze. “Thank you.”

“Well there’s another one if you think you can eat it.”

“Wow, are you rich?” Noah said, reaching into the bag. “We can’t ’ford doughnuts no more.”

The last of the Danish turned to dust in my mouth. My face felt like it was on fire. I washed down the Danish with a mouthful of chai and glanced at Ryan out of the corner of my eye. I’m sure he could tell by the apartment and my car that we weren’t rolling in it, but still.

I waited for the look of triumph on his face. Something that said,
Ha, not so successful now, are you?

Instead, he shifted his feet and cleared his throat. “So, you ready to get to work, bud?”

“Ready!” Noah grabbed his toolbox, a bright red plastic thing I found at the dollar store last year. It was cheaply made and the handle had broken off a week after he got it. But it was one of the few toys he had and he treasured that beat-up thing.

Ryan held the door and Noah ducked under his arm like they did it all the time.

I set down my cup and followed. Not that I’d be any help at all, but Ryan might need interference with Noah.

“Thank you for breakfast,” I said as I moved past him.

“Not a problem.” His timing was perfect because I felt his hot breath on my shoulder and almost tripped out the door. His hand shot out and took my elbow to steady me. Electricity zinged up my arm and I forgot how to breathe for a second.

“Thanks,” I breathed out. I somehow made it down the stairs without falling on my face, even though I could feel him right there behind me. By the time I got to the ground, I was covered in goose bumps.

I unlocked the car and pulled the hood release while he jogged over to grab a bag and a toolbox out of the back of his truck. He set everything down and lifted the hood.

“Whoa,” Noah said, leaning his body half inside the engine compartment.

“Pretty cool, huh?” Ryan asked. He kneeled down and lifted things out of the bag. A smallish square box. Several even smaller boxes. “So what we need to do first is take out the old starter . . .”

I watched as he opened his toolbox and took out . . . something. I knew what a hammer looked
like but that was about it. The things he was taking out . . . I had no idea what they were. Ryan lifted Noah and stood him on the bumper. I moved in behind him just in case he fell, and found myself right next to Ryan.

There wasn’t a lot of room under the hood of a Honda.

So there we were, three heads hovering over the engine of my car on a Saturday morning, fixing the starter. Ryan let Noah hold the tools and the new starter, and Noah did everything Ryan asked. It probably took Ryan twice as long because Noah kept pointing and asking questions. Ryan opened the smaller boxes to reveal four small bulblike things.

He handed them to Noah, who clutched them in his hands like they were prized M&M’s. One by one, an old one was pulled from somewhere and a new one put in. It took me until the third one to notice he wasn’t working around where he’d been before.

“What are those?” I asked.

“Spark plugs. I noticed that yours were pretty rough-looking. Might as well replace them while I’m here, right?” He ducked his head farther under the hood.

“How much do they cost?” My tone sounded sharper than intended, but I’d already pulled fifty from the teapot above the fridge. It was like removing a limb to take money from my bill money, it was one thing I had to keep on top of, but I had to do it. A couple more dollars I could do, but anything more . . .