Authors: Jaclyn Friedman

What You Really Really Want (24 page)

It's okay to get a little superficial! Physical attraction matters, and you're allowed to be choosy. Do you find yourself drawn to strong shoulders, soft curves, or striking eyes? What kind of posterior is your preference? Gender factors in here, too: Some of us are attracted more to masculinity, some to femininity, some to androgyny or genderqueerness. It's all okay. You'll probably find that the more deep and lasting a partner you're looking for, the less this will matter, but you don't have to pretend you don't care!

Character

What is the person you're looking for like on the inside? What principles (if any!) guide their behavior? And do they actually act according to these principles, or do they merely talk a good game and behave otherwise? This category includes things like honesty and loyalty, but also religious and political beliefs, and social attitudes, too.

Circumstances

Does your ideal partner have a job? What kind of lifestyle do they lead? How much money do they make? Do they live close by or far away? The circumstances in which someone lives their life can really impact a relationship, and you get to decide which ones are ideal for you, which ones you can work with, and which ones just won't fly.

Skills and Talents

We all get dealt a different hand when it comes to what we're capable of, and we all need partners who contribute different things. Is it important that your sexual partners are funny? Smart? Good dancers? Sweet with children? Great at communication? This is where you can get specific about bedroom skills, too: How talented does your partner need to be in the sack, and what qualifies as sexual talent to you?

Once you figure out what qualities you want in a partner, it's time to add another layer of choosiness: How important is each quality to you? Because, let's get real, nobody's perfect, and you're unlikely to find someone who simultaneously checks all of your boxes. Maybe you'd love to have a partner who is really athletic, but you wouldn't rule out someone who was less active. On the other hand, it may be a total deal breaker if your partner doesn't like to read. Get clear on what's cake vs. what's icing, and you'll be steering yourself toward what you really really want before you know it.

Dive In:
Make a list of all the characteristics your ideal partner would have. Be sure to list at least five things in each of the four major categories above. Now, mark each of those characteristics with a “1” if it's a must-have, top-tier, deal-breaker kind of priority; a “2” if it's pretty important but you'd be willing to compromise on it if most of the other important stuff were in place; and a “3” if that characteristic would be nice to have in a sexual partner but hardly is mandatory.

Now, think about your last few sexual partners (or even just people you've been seriously attracted to). How do they measure up? Did you get with them (or want to) because they're what you really really want, or for some other reason (like, they wanted you and you didn't feel like you could pass up the opportunity)?

Don't expect your lists to stay set in stone. Many factors can change them, so it's a good idea to redo them every so often. Prerna learned that through experience.

I'm currently in a long-distance relationship. If you had asked me before if I would ever purposely choose to be in a long-distance relationship, I don't think I would have said yes. And if it was anyone else, I probably wouldn't say yes. But because of this specific relationship, and this specific person, I was able to make where he lives be a three, whereas if you'd asked me several months ago, it would've been a one. I was able to move that down on the list because of how high his other qualities are on my list.

Go Deeper:

1. Write an ad for yourself. Not a personal ad designed to “sell” you to a prospective partner, but an ad that focuses on what's really great about you. Ads too often are demeaning to women, concentrating on features such as
appearance and sexual invitation, but they don't have to be. This gives you an important challenge: to think through what you have to offer the world out there.

So start by listing all the things that make you a great person. Maybe you are loyal or funny. Maybe you make a great lasagna. You're a good listener. Your lips are really cute and expressive. Build your ad from there, and list every little thing that is cool about you. You know yourself better than anyone, but if you need help, feel free to ask trusted friends to help design your ad.

(Bonus points if you're single and you'd like to meet someone for sex and/or a relationship, but you've been reluctant to put yourself out there: Once you've finished your ad, go ahead and turn it into a real one on an online dating site! This isn't an ad to attract someone who might “pick” you; it's a way to expand your choices and make it possible to do picking of your own. Don't stop until you've completed every field, even if you have to ask a friend for help. Remember, you don't have to say yes to anyone just because they email you (or even if you email them and change your mind). Just create some new options for yourself, and take notice of how the process feels. Do you feel afraid? Of what? Do a risk assessment on that fear, using the tools we learned in chapter 4.)

2. Every product comes with a care manual. Write one. What things make you keep going, and keep you happy and satisfied? What instructions can
you give yourself for daily maintenance, or an annual service? Go wild, and shoot for the starsâfrom bubble baths to long hikes, from credit for your accomplishments to phone calls with friends to, yes, even sexual pleasure, list all the things that make you happy and contented.

3. Create a new you. Ever wish you could try out life from inside someone else's skin? If you have access to an Internet connection, you can. Visit an alternate-reality digital world like
The Sims
(
www.wyrrw.com/sims
) or
Second Life
¹(
www.wyrrw.com/secondlife
), and create an avatar (that's a digital representation of you) that you think looks both powerful and desirable. Now, try interacting with other avatars in that world. If you feel up to it, try out some behaviors that are outside of your comfort zoneâflirt openly if you're usually too shy; set forceful boundaries if that doesn't come easily to you in “real life.” Play. See how it feels. How much do you feel like a different person, and how much do you still feel like you? How do people respond to you, and how does that match up with how you expect them to respond?

CHAPTER 7

LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX, BABY

B
E VEWWWY QUIET. WE'RE HUNTING WAAAAAABIT.

Those of you who are familiar with the Bugs Bunny oeuvre know that this was the strategy of one Elmer Fudd, wabbit hunter. And you'll also know how well that code of silence tended to work out for him (hint: not that well). And yet we so often try the same disastrous strategy when it comes to sex.

The silence around sex works differently depending on your gender. For women, we're of course not supposed to have any of our own sexual desires, and if we do, heaven forbid that we pursue them in any active way. And even if we do, it's supposed to be through dressing sexy, making ourselves seem ultra-available, twirling our hair coquettishly. Under no circumstances are we supposed to speak out loud, and with intent, about our desireâor anything having to do with it. That would make us sluts, and you know what happens to them.

Men don't get off any easier when it comes to sex talk, of course. Our culture teaches them that they're supposed to be
conquering their partners, not communicating with them. So they're often left feeling that they're supposed to psychically know what their partners want better than their partners even do, all without uttering a word. A guy who has to ask is hardly a man, you know.

I'm sure you can imagine what I think of this whole setup. But it's more than bunk: It's dangerous. Imposed silence around sex and sexuality keeps us alienated from what we really really want, and it also gives rise to the kinds of misunderstandings that can do real emotional and physical damage. So take a deep breath, because we're going to take Salt-N-Pepa's advice: Let's talk about sex.

The first person you need to learn how to communicate with about sex is yourself. Seems silly on some level, but it's no less true: If you can't admit to yourself what you want and don't want when it comes to sex, you're in no condition to share that information with anyone else. Of course, that's a big part of what this whole book is aboutâgetting real with yourself about your own desires and boundaries. So give yourself a little pat on the back. You're already on your way. But just for kicks, let's take a moment now and practice specifics.

Dive In:
Every day this week, in your daily writing, write about one thing you want or don't want when it comes to sex. Be as specific as you can: “I want to have my hair pulled” is good, as is “I don't want to ever try anal sex.” Practice now. Make a list of five things you definitely do or don't want when it comes to sex.

It can be scary to admit, even to ourselves, what we really really want. Vague desires seem so much more real when we put them into words. But don't worry. Just because you wrote down that you really really want to cover your partner in chocolate syrup, it doesn't mean you have to do it. Go back to that list of five things, and put stars next to any things on that list that you want to do but don't want to do for real right now. Everybody's got desires they're not ready (and may never be ready) to act on. Communicating with yourself about those kinds of boundaries is just as important as being honest about the things you want (or don't want) right now.

Of course, if you're going to be sexual with someone else, you're going to have to sort out how to communicate what you really really want with them, too. And that can be twice as tricky, since, even if you feel comfortable being straight-up about your sexual needs, your lover may not be comfortable hearing about them yet, or sharing their own desires. That can be hard. In an ideal world, we would have sexual partners who already feel good about direct communication. But sometimes partners like that are hard to find, and sometimes we're already in love (or in lust!) with someone before we find out they're hung up on how to get the words out. So we may have to help them along, even as we're struggling ourselves. That's okay. Life is messy sometimes, and so is sex.

DO I HAVE TO?

Let's start by talking about why to communicate directly. How many times have you said or heard some version of this:

“I don't know. One minute we were dancing, and then the next thing I knew we had just had sex. It kind of just happened.”

“We woke up together, and she was like, âSo, when can I see you again?' And now I guess we're in a relationship? It just happened.”

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