What You Really Really Want (44 page)

1
I'm going to use “they,” “their,” and “them” throughout the book to refer to a person whose gender isn't specified—like here, where the friend you're writing to could be male, female, genderqueer, etc. The grammar nerd in me isn't a fan, but at the moment they seem to be the easiest gender-neutral pronouns for all people to understand.

2
See
https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/meet-the-predators/
.

3
See
http://althouse.blogspot.com/2006/09/lets-take-closer-look-at-those-breasts.html#comments
.

4
See
http://web.cecs.pdx.edu/~tellner/sd/Review.html
.

1
p. 227.

2
See
www.campusprogress.org/articles/moral_panic_comes_unhooked
.

3
See
www.cbn.com/cbnnews/healthscience/2010/march/sexually-indulgent-now-marriage-ruined-later/
.

4
See
www.apa.org/monitor/feb08/oxytocin.aspx
.

5
See
www.cdc.gov/nchs/pressroom/01news/firstmarr.htm
.

1
Just as you do in real life, you're likely to encounter people in virtual worlds who think it's fun or normal to treat women poorly. This behavior is sometimes exacerbated by the anonymity online venues provide. If you come across this sort of ugly behavior, feel free to use it as an opportunity to practice boundary setting (remember the Nice Person Test?), or ignore it, or tell the person off in a way you never would in real life. If behavior is particularly offensive, you can also report it to the folks who run the site you're on, usually through their “help” or “contact” section.

1
See
www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2011-01-25/jane-mcgonigals-reality-is-broken-how-videogames-change-the-world/
.

2
“Red Lights, Big Names,”
CIO
(June 15, 2007): 50.

1
FetLife is the Facebook of kink communities, but some find it cliquish and hard to navigate. It's a place to connect with like-minded people, but do proceed at your own risk.

2
From
www.friendly-ware.com/wellness/images/WellnessWheel.gif
.

1
Some people who don't identify with the male/female binary use “ze” and “hir” to refer to themselves, as Enoch does. They're a new kind of gender-neutral pronoun.

1
See
www.stltoday.com/news/local/metro/article_30865bcc-95eb-11df-9734-00127992bc8b.html
.

2
p. 127.

1
For the definitive essay on this subject, read Cara Kulwicki's “Real Sex Education” in
Yes Means Yes
.

N
O ONE DESERVES MORE GRATITUDE FOR THEIR contributions to this book than the eleven volunteers who jumped into this journey with me and workshopped every chapter as I finished it. Their directly quoted words are some of the best things in this book, and their influence and inspiration have shaped every page. Prerna Abbi, Robin Colodzin, Judith Avory Faucette, Mieko Gavia, Rayshauna Gray, Rebecca Kling, Heidi Knabe, Shana Minish, Zeinab O., Enoch Riese, and Buffy Seipel, I'll never be able to fully express my gratitude to you for your honesty, bravery, humor, dedication, camaraderie, intelligence, and thoughtfulness. You gave so much more to this project than I had ever dared to hope for or even imagine.

Also essential to the making of this book was educator extraordinaire Claire Robson, who created almost all of the “Go Deeper” exercises throughout the book, as well as the timeline. Without her provocative and compassionate contributions, this road map to healthy sexuality would have outlined a much smaller world. And without her friendship and mentoring over more than a decade, I could never have written this or any book.

Thomas MacAulay Millar not only contributed the excellent section for men that can be found online at
www.wyrrw.com/formen
(and pulled together a fantastic group of guys to workshop it—big thanks to Daniel J. Corcoran, David Mortman, Daetan Huck, Jason Page, Oliver Lauenstein, Nick, Gabriel Pastrana, Ben Privot, and Admin Dave), but also served as a steady sounding board, talked me off several metaphorical ledges, and continues to be an invaluable comrade.

I'm blessed to have as friends some outrageously smart and dedicated people whose expertise I've relied on throughout this process. Much love and gratitude are owed to: Heather Corinna, for being this book's literal godmother, a generous host, and an international treasure who's dedicated her life to providing countless thousands (possibly millions) of people with the support and straightforward information they need to live lives full of safety and pleasure. Mylène St. Pierre, for sharing with me the wisdom of her many years as a whip-smart sex educator, and for her big-ass heart and matching fashion sense. Leslie Smith, for the indelible lessons about conscious competence and what it means to fight for your right to pleasure in this world—you're deeply missed, but your legacy lives on inside so many of us. Adaora Asala, for being a ferocious leader on behalf of many communities, and for helping me advise readers on how to refuse to be reduced to symbols. Melissa McEwan, for being an articulate and ornery voice for the voiceless, and for the last-minute save. Deanna Zandt, for her genius solution to the problem of URLs in analog books, and for the long-distance tequila. And Mark Orr, for schooling me about online gaming and virtual worlds, and for the spoons.

Thanks are also owed to the dozens of people who offered up their own personal stories for me to share with you throughout the book. You heard from Ruby Ailment, Chloe Angyal, Cassie Barnes, Elizabeth Calhoun, Jill Filipovic, Idalia Gutierrez, Rachel Casiano Hernández, Miranda Mammen, Laura Mandelberg, Zia Okocha, Simon Pedisich, Renee Randazzo, Jenn Thoman, and Bobbie W., but there were so many more stories I wished I could have shared, from the hilarious to the heartbreaking to the sublime. Thanks to everyone who took the time (and the leap of faith) to send one in.

Obvious but real gratitude is owed to Seal Press, especially Brooke Warner and Merrik Bush-Pirkle, for believing in my vision and helping me make it a reality. Reidan Fredstrom is also owed some applause, for the great good humor to watch me write this entire book on our dining room table and treat it as a fascinating performance-art piece for an audience of one, rather than as the incredible imposition and nuisance I'm sure it was. Thanks to Dave Rini and Andrew Pari for their very necessary last-minute contributions (you know what you did). And, of course, I'm indebted to Colette Perold at
H Bomb,
who first asked the question that inspired this whole project.

Last and most important: I couldn't have even imagined this book without the work of generations of feminist and sex-positive activists, organizers, agitators, evangelists, riot grrrls, zinesters, bloggers, and general troublemakers. I could never finish naming you all, so it hardly seems fair to begin. But know that so much of what I've shared here, I learned from following the trails you blazed. Thank you.

J
ACLYN FRIEDMAN IS A WRITER, PERFORMER, AND ACTIVIST and the editor of the hit book
Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World without Rape
(one of
Publishers Weekly'
s Top 100 Books of 2009).

Friedman is a popular speaker on campuses and at conferences across the United States and beyond. She has been a guest on BBC World Have Your Say, “Democracy Now,”
To the Contrary,
and numerous other radio and television shows, and her commentary has appeared in outlets including CNN,
The Washington Post, The Nation,
Jezebel,
Feministing.com
,
The American Prospect, Bitch,
AlterNet, and
The Huffington Post
. She was named one of 2009's 40 Under 40 by the New Leaders Council.

Friedman is a founder and the executive director of Women, Action & the Media, a national organization working for gender justice in media. She is also a charter member of CounterQuo, a coalition dedicated to challenging the ways we respond to sexual violence.

SELECTED TITLES FROM SEAL PRESS

For more than thirty years, Seal Press has published groundbreaking books. By women. For women.

 

Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape,
by Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti. $16.95, 978-1-58005-257-3. This powerful and revolutionary anthology offers a paradigm shift from the “No Means No” model, challenging men and women to truly value female sexuality and ultimately end rape.

 

He's A Stud, She's A Slut and 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know,
by Jessica Valenti. $13.95, 978-1-58005-245-0. With sass, humor, and aplomb, Full Frontal Feminism author Jessica Valenti takes on the obnoxious double standards women encounter every day.

 

The Purity Myth: How America's Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women,
by Jessica Valenti. $16.95, 978-1-58005-314-3. With her usual balance of intelligence and wit, Valenti presents a powerful argument that girls and women, even in this day and age, are overly valued for their sexuality—and that this needs to stop.

 

F'em!:Goo Goo, Gaga, and Some Thoughts on Balls,
by Jennifer Baumgardner. $17.00, 978-1-58005-360-0. A collection of essays—plus interviews with well-known feminists—by Manifesta co-author Jennifer Baumgardner on everything from purity balls to Lady Gaga.

 

Outdated: Why Dating Is Ruining Your Love Life,
by Samhita Mukhopadhyay. $17.00, 978-1-58005-332-7. An intelligent analysis of how and why young people today are rejecting traditional dating and mating pressures—and why they're better off for doing so.

 

Kissing Outside the Lines: A True Story of Love and Race and Happily Ever After,
by Diane Farr. $24.95, 978-1-58005-390-7. Actress and columnist Diane Farr's unapologetic, and often hilarious, look at the complexities of interracial/ethnic/religious/what-have-you love.

 

FIND SEAL PRESS ONLINE
www.SealPress.com
www.Facebook.com/SealPress
Twitter: @SealPress

What You Really Really Want
The Smart Girl's Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety

Copyright © 2011 by Jaclyn Friedman

 

Published by
Seal Press
A Member of the Perseus Books Group
1700 Fourth Street
Berkeley, California

 

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without written permission from the publisher, except by reviewers who may quote brief excerpts in connection with a review.

 

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

 

Friedman, Jaclyn.

What you really really want : the smart girl's shame-free guide to sex and safety / by Jaclyn Friedman.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

eISBN : 978-1-580-05430-0

1. Sexual ethics for women. 2. Women--Sexual behavior. 3. Sex. 4. Sexual health. 5. Sex instruction for women. I. Title.

HQ46.F77 2011

176'.4082--dc23

 

2011030552