Read What You Really Really Want Online

Authors: Jaclyn Friedman

What You Really Really Want (43 page)

BOOK: What You Really Really Want
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Think about it: In “prevention-based” sex education, the kind about condoms and preventing diseases and pregnancy, the act that's focused on is penis-in-vagina intercourse. Even if pleasure isn't mentioned, this teaches boys about the primary way to get sexual pleasure—through stimulation of the penis. But most women don't reach orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone. Nearly two-thirds of all women require stimulation of the clitoris in order to get off.
And the clitoris is an amazing organ! It's the only organ in the human body, male or female, that has pleasure as its sole purpose. Awesome, right? But you'll never learn about it in “harm reduction” sex ed classes, because you don't have to talk about the clitoris in order to teach people to prevent STDs and pregnancy. I don't know about you, but in my high school, the clitoris wasn't even on the anatomy drawing. No wonder so many of us grow up thinking sex is something women do for men's pleasure.
1
If you want the next generation to grow up with a healthier, more well-rounded vision of sexuality, find out what your local school district (or the school district of a young person you care about) is teaching in terms of sex ed. If they're not teaching a holistic, pleasure-based model, encourage them to think about it. Then ask your friends and family members who agree with you to encourage them, too.
Dive In:
Check out some people and organizations working to create a healthier sexual culture for all of us. Spend at least thirty minutes on one or more of the websites listed at
www.wyrrw.com/sexposorgs
.
STRENGTH IN NUMBERS
Did you know that if a female bonobo, a kind of ape, is being subjected to unwelcome sexual aggression by a male bonobo, she gives out a specific signal and the other females will come to her aid until the male is repelled? The bonobos are very sexually active animals, but that doesn't mean that the females have to accept sexual attention from all males at all times. And they keep it that way by having each other's backs.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if more human women did that for each other? If we not only refrained from slut-shaming, prude-policing, victim-blaming, and other ways in which we hurl the Terrible Trio at each other, but actively came to each other's defense when others tried to do the same?
It can sometimes feel scary to do. If you jump in to defend someone else, whatever nastiness was being directed their way may suddenly be targeted at you. But if we're ever going to really change the sexual culture, we have to start standing up for other women's rights to do what they really really want, not just our own.
As Shana learned, this isn't always easy, but it can be very rewarding:
I was working a restaurant opening in Miami last year, and one of the girls I worked with became the subject of the rumor/gossip mill. She had at that point slept with five or six members of the staff over a month or so period, and the “slut” and “whore” comments were flying. I found myself at one point having those same opinions, and it actually scared me how easy it was to get wrapped up in group dismissals and judgments of people's sexual choices.
I had to stop and really question why I was allowing myself to think like that. I realized that since she was ex-military as well, it was triggering all the feelings and issues I had dealt with in the military. Without doing anything, I was judged to be a slut while I was in the military. The statement has been made since WWII: Why would women want to be in the military, if not to sleep around with all those available men? Being treated like that for long periods of time is exhausting. I thought that I had worked through those feelings, but finding myself participating in sexually shaming another woman made me realize that I wasn't really as past those feelings as I thought I was.
The end of this tale, though, is that once I realized why I was having that reaction, I realized how awful and unlike me I was acting. I started defending her to those around me, and reminding people that everyone has a right to do what they want sexually. If it doesn't affect you, back off. Especially when these shaming statements are being made by male bartenders who are on a constant pickup quest from their post behind the bar. So, it's okay for you to take home a different girl every night, but not for her? The girl and I actually became very good friends after I moved past my issues and got to know her, instead of the image other people were portraying of her.
You don't have to do it every time there's an opportunity—no one's perfect, and life is complicated. But if you start looking for opportunities to stand up for other women, you'll not only help out in the situation at hand, but also set an example that will make it easier for those other women to stand up for someone else—maybe even you—the next time around.
Dive In:
This one's simple, but not necessarily easy: Make a pact with a woman you care about that you'll always have each other's backs when it comes to people's blaming, shaming, or mistreating you. Then do it.
DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
We've already talked about how to have difficult conversations with your loved ones about your sexual values, and we've talked about reasons to have those conversations that benefit you and your partners directly. But another reason to have these heart-to-hearts is because they have the power to change the sexual culture for everyone.
Think about the modern LGBT-rights movement in the United States and elsewhere. While queer people still face many kinds of oppression, much of the progress that's been made in undoing LGBT discrimination over the past twenty years was made possible because millions of people came out to the people around them. They sat down and had the difficult conversations required to live their lives openly and free of shame, blame, and fear. These conversations didn't always go well. Many of them took years to resolve, and some people paid a very high price for them. But what they bought was a culture where most people know someone—a relative, a friend, a coworker, a neighbor, someone—who's gay, lesbian, bi, queer, or trans. And that means that there are a whole lot more people in the world who take it personally when LGBT people face discrimination, oppression, or violence.
Similarly, if you want the next generation of young women to build their sexuality in a world much freer from the Terrible Trio, one of the best things you can do is sit down with people who care about you, but who don't share your sexual values, and explain to them why you believe what you do, and why it's important to you for them to understand your point of view. As we've discussed before, it may not go well at first, or at all. But
you'll get through at least some of the time. And that person you influence will also naturally influence others around them. And that ripple effect will eventually make the world a lot safer for all of us to be sexual on our own terms. Isn't that ultimately what we all really really want?
Go Deeper:
1. Take out your timeline and spend some time looking at it. What story does it tell about your sexual life so far? Are there pieces missing that are important to you? Fill them in now. Then think about the next five years, or ten. What story do you want your timeline to tell as you move forward in your life? Draw in some more years, and fill in at least three points in the future that you'd like to see happen. Let your imagination go wild. Anything is possible.
2. There are countless types of journeys. Some are eventful and some less so, but even a trip to the store to buy milk can turn into an adventure. We like to read and watch stories about journeys—from
The Lord of the Rings
to
Hannah Montana
.
This book has been something of a journey, too, and I invite you to write it like an epic adventure, with you as the hero.
Here's a classic journey narrative:
a. The hero has a mission—she wants to find something precious.
b. She assembles all the stuff she'll need for the trip and sets out on her quest to find what she really really wants.
c. She may take some friends along for the ride, but that's optional.
d. She encounters difficulties—maybe she gets tempted down the wrong path and gets lost. Maybe she runs into a few shady characters. Maybe sometimes she falls for glittery temptations and forgets why she even set out.
e. Sometimes she is helped by people along the way. Some of these folk are mystical beings (think Yoda) who speak in riddles and don't seem that helpful at first.
f. Usually the hero has to pass some kind of test. She is tempted, but refuses. She is scared, but she forges right ahead. Sometimes she even slips a little, but at the last moment, she climbs out of her hole and marches across the finish line.
g. She comes home. She has made it. Her journey is complete.
NOTES
CHAPTER 1
YOU CAN'T GET WHAT YOU WANT TILL YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
CHAPTER 2
BAD THINGS COME IN THREES: SHAME, BLAME, AND FEAR
1
A small percentage of people are asexual, meaning they have no desire to engage in sexual activity. You can learn more about asexuality at
www.asexuality.org
.
8
pp. 113–14.
CHAPTER 3
I'M OKAY, YOU'RE OKAY
2
p. 123.
5
p. 117.
CHAPTER 4
BOOK: What You Really Really Want
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