Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (25 page)

Think like a theatrical costume designer. In the theatre, a costume not only has to look beautiful, it also has to be practical. Can you breathe deeply in it? Can you move and dance in it? Can you sit comfortably? Does it come off easily? Not surprisingly, Tantra favors sarongs and other loose, flowing costumes rather than tightly laced corsets. However, the style of your costume can be as kinky as you like, so long as it does not inhibit your ability to build sexual energy with breath and movement. When it comes to looking and feeling sexy, try to think outside the box. If you always wear lingerie, try a sarong. If you always dress like a goddess, try a touch of slut. Happily, a number of designers of latex and leather clothing are now embracing comfort and mobility, so you can be a kinky Tantrika if you like. Just make sure you can breathe and move freely!

Props

Which props to use (and whether to use them at all) is a matter of personal taste. In my rituals, I always include both hard and soft sex toys, as well as a generous selection of dildos and vibrators. As we will see, it does not matter so much which toys you use, but rather how consciously you use them.

Traditionally, Tantric toys and tantalizers have tended to be softer—for example, feathers, fur, satin, chocolate, fruit, whipped cream, essential oils, and massage oils. But there is plenty of room for toys that produce more intense sensations, such as floggers and needles. Toys are not the focus of Tantra, they are tools—just like breath, movement, imagination, sound, and Kegels. Props may be sorted according to the type of sensation they produce. Your choice of props answers the question “What do I want to feel right now?” or “Which sensation will open me up so I can feel more?”

On the opposite page is a table of props, divided into groups based on the type of sensations they provide, from subtle to severe, and graded from mild to wild.

Do you see what I mean about a range of sensations? Don’t worry if you have never heard of some of these items or would never consider using them erotically. The point of identifying all these possibilities is not to get you to go out and buy a lot of props; nor am I asking you to experiment with props that can be dangerous if you don’t know exactly how to play with them. But if any of the “wilder” items listed above sound like fun to you, read
chapter 19
now, and by all means check out these toys in a good BDSM reference book (see the Resources section in this book) or on the Internet. Then seek out proper instruction from an experienced player before you use them. The “milder” props, like the Tingler and the ball massager, can be found in many metaphysical catalogs.

Start thinking about what kinds of sensations you are most fond of and what degrees of intensity you might enjoy. And guess what—you have dozens of unexplored sensation-creating devices in every room of your house at this very moment.

To give yourself an idea of what’s available, try this: Go into your kitchen and select six cooking utensils at random. Invent a way to use each one as a sex toy. (Please don’t write me with any suggestions for the food processor or toaster oven. I don’t want to know.) What sensation—or range of sensations—can you produce with each item?

The fun doesn’t stop with utensils. Try this exercise with food: Have you ever sculpted yourself a veggie dildo? Carrots work very well. So do zucchinis and other squash. Pick a vegetable that’s close to the size and shape you prefer, and perfect it a bit with a knife. (Caution: some vegetables can get a bit unstable if carved too drastically.) Be creative!

Props: Mild to Wild

Special Effects

One Tantric tradition I have always loved is the inclusion of the four elements of nature—air, fire, water, and earth in each ritual. Those of us in urban environments are nature-starved. The act of collecting and acknowledging the four elements is soothing to the soul. Be sure to include at least one item representing each element. Some items contain more than one element, making your job even easier.

Air
. Make sure your space is properly ventilated. Open a window. Even if it is cold outside, you can still open the window a crack. You’ll be doing a lot of breathing. When you get lightheaded, it should be because your consciousness has been altered by erotic energy—not by lack of oxygen! Seriously, lack of fresh air will cause you to space out and lose focus on yourself and your partner(s).

Fire
. You don’t have to have a fireplace. Candles will do very nicely. Just use sensible safety precautions. Burning incense is also nice, and it brings in an earth element as well.

Water
. You’ll want water for drinking and bathing. You might also like earth water (fruit juice), air water (sparkling mineral water), earth-fire water (wine), or my favorite, combining all the elements in one: earth-air-fire water (champagne). Just be careful of the fire waters. A few sips build fire (sexual) energy, but a few glasses drain it away completely.

Earth
. The most popular earth element for a Tantric ritual is food. There are unlimited ways to be sexy with food. When you plan the food for your ritual, choose food that is both sexy and nourishing for you. Many people like fruit. It’s sweet and tasty, and satisfies your thirst. However, some people, myself included, just can’t handle that much sugar. I need to have a bit of cheese or some other kind of protein along with it. What food does your body need in high-energy situations? (Whenever I ask this question in workshops, the nearly unanimous answer is invariably,
“Chocolate!”
)

Other earth elements that help make a great ritual are flowers; natural or sculpted objects of wood or stone; crystals; and scents such as amber, musk, sandalwood, ylang-ylang, and patchouli. You can use essential oils and an aromatherapy burner, or light sticks or cones of incense.

Safer Sex

It was my desire for an ecstatic sexual practice that included safer sex that originally led me to Tantra. Preparation and consciousness are necessary for both safer sex and Tantric sex. Condoms and gloves will in no way diminish your sexual enjoyment because Tantra focuses on charging the entire body—not just the genitals—with sexual energy, making your entire body a pulsing, tingling, vibrating sex organ.

Make a personal decision about which safer sex practices you are going to practice. Safer sex means sexual activity with no exchange of bodily fluids. Bodily fluids include ejaculate (male or female), blood (including menstrual blood), vaginal secretions, urine, feces, and the discharges from sores caused by sexually transmitted infections. “No exchange” means that none of the bodily fluids of one partner ever gets into the vagina, penis, anus, mouth, eyes, nose, or open skin wounds of another.

Safer-sex protocol is necessary when either you or your partner have any sexually transmitted disease (STD), including—and this is the important part—when you aren’t sure. Unless you are in a strictly monogamous relationship with someone whose HIV/STD status you are certain of, you need to know about and practice safer sex.

Not only is HIV as prevalent as it ever was, but there are also a host of other sexually transmitted diseases out there. Some can be with you for a lifetime. That’s why safer sex is now commonly defined as anything one does to lower the risks of getting or giving any sexually transmitted disease. Think of safer sex as a spectrum: some behaviors are riskier than others. Think about which sexual activities you find the most pleasurable. Then take into account the risks involved and whether any of those will worry you later. Last, think about how you can lower the risks while increasing your pleasure. Do all this before you engage in any intimate behavior.

How Safe Is Safe?

When the AIDS epidemic exploded in the early/mid 1980s, anyone who was sexually active was forced to choose between practicing safer sex and the very real possibility of contracting a fatal illness. AIDS was considered 100 percent fatal at that time, and the only way to be sexual and be sure that you weren’t going to get AIDS was to follow the strictest safer sex guidelines to the letter. Even tears and saliva were considered possible transmitters of the virus. Over time, we have learned that there is not enough HIV present in tears and saliva to transmit the virus, and we have adjusted safer sex guidelines accordingly. But now that people are not dying by the hundreds every day—in this country—many people have gotten more casual about safer sex practices. This is a big mistake and, in some cases, borders on criminal negligence.

You may be thinking that safer sex is something you just don’t have to worry about. Perhaps you have been with the same partner for years. Or perhaps your only sex partner is yourself right now. Nevertheless, please read the following section. As you go further into Tantra, you may find that you want to explore something new. That new
something or someone may present the need to make a new decision about safer sex. The time to make safer-sex decisions is before you take your clothes off.

Everyone should have a basic safe-sex supply kit within easy reach. You don’t need a lot of stuff to play safely. The following few essential basics will do.

CONDOMS

Use latex condoms for all intercourse—vaginal or anal. They help protect against gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, herpes, hepatitis B, and AIDS. To be effective, condoms should be put on during foreplay, before there is any preejaculatory fluid. After intercourse, withdraw the penis while it is still hard, and remove the condom carefully. It’s important to grasp the base of the condom during withdrawal so that the condom doesn’t slip off.

Use condoms on your sex toys, if you share them. They work on dildos, anal plugs, and vibrators. Use a new condom for each partner who uses the toy. Never reuse a condom.

For oral sex, use a nonlubricated or flavored condom. A word of warning: condoms lubricated with Nonoxynol-9 taste terrible! You can also cut a condom lengthwise, open it up, and place it over the anus or vulva for oral-anal sex (rimming) or oral-vaginal sex (cunnilingus).

LUBE

Use plenty of water-based lube (such as Astroglide, ID, ForPlay, Wet, or Probe) on the outside of the condom for comfort and mutual pleasure, and to keep the condom from tearing during sex. Some men find that more sensation is transmitted to them if they put a small amount of water- or silicone-based lube inside the tip of their condom before putting it on. Use only water- or silicone-based lubricants on condoms. Oil-based lubricants, such as Vaseline, Crisco, and hand lotions, weaken latex and make condoms break.

GLOVES

Do you need to wear gloves before you touch someone’s pussy, ass, or cock? Here’s how you tell: cut a lemon in half and rub it all over your hands and fingers. (Vinegar works as well as lemons.) If you feel any stinging, you have breaks in your skin that could let germs enter or exit your bloodstream. Glove up! You can buy either latex or vinyl gloves at a drugstore or medical supply store. If you want to do anal play (including
fisting) with an oil-based lube (which some people prefer), be sure to get vinyl gloves. Vinyl is not compromised by oil the way latex is.

I know the idea of wearing gloves during sex can seem weird. But I swear they can be sexy. I know women who get wet just hearing the snap of a latex glove. Try both vinyl and latex. Many people have a strong preference for the feel of one over the other.

PLASTIC WRAP

Plain old plastic food wrap is the best barrier for rimming and cunnilingus. Do not use the microwaveable kind, as it has little holes in it that defeat the purpose of a barrier. You can roll out a piece of plastic wrap large enough to cover both the vulva and anus. It’s much easier to hang on to than a cut-open condom, and it’s a lot thinner than a dental dam. Spread some lube on your partner’s side of the plastic wrap for increased sensation. Just make sure that the plastic wrap doesn’t touch the anus and then the vulva. Germs passed from anus to vagina can cause a nasty infection.

Some people do prefer dental dams for oral sex, but I find them too thick and too hard to hold on to. It’s easy to drop a dam when it gets slippery, and then you may not be able to tell which side has been against the body.

SPECIAL SITUATIONS

The following situations present special issues relating to safer sex.

Oral sex
. Some people feel that safer-sex barriers are not as necessary for oral sex as they are for vaginal and anal sex. I disagree. Yes, it’s clear that the risk of transmitting HIV is much lower for unprotected oral sex than for unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse. But this is not true for transmission of herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia. And the risk of transmitting all these STDs is greater if you have any open sores in your mouth. I’m prone to chewing the inside of my lip when I’m worried, and my periodontist is none too thrilled about my gums, so I’m not going to go down on someone without a barrier.

The female condom
. The female condom is a plastic sheath that women can insert into their vaginas for use in protection against HIV and STDs. The female condom can be inserted up to eight hours before sex, has rings at both ends to hold it in place, and can be lubricated with oil-based lubricants, which stay wet longer than the water-based variety. This kind of condom takes practice to use, and it’s more expensive than a latex
condom. Some men have also used the female condom for anal sex, though I’ve not heard of any tests done to prove them safe for this use.