Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (24 page)

Partner sex is usually thought of
as a spontaneous expression of love and desire. Two people who are deeply in love are swept away on a wave of passion that leaves them orgasmically spent, emotionally fulfilled, and more deeply in love than ever. You just can’t plan that kind of sex, right? Wrong. Preparation intensifies passion. In Tantra, planning and preparation are like foreplay. Rather than making sex seem contrived, artificial, and unsexy, preparation and planning help build erotic energy to share with a partner. In Tantra, you do not have to be in the mood for sex. Love, desire, and passion can be generated within the ritual itself.

Tantric partner sex is usually referred to as a ritual. The term
ritual
has too often been negatively used to describe events that are long, deadly dull, frightening, or just plain weird. A ritual simply separates a sacred space from the rest of life. Whether you cast a circle, gather in a special building, or simply designate a corner of a room, the space for ritual is a space set apart from everyday life for the purpose of going deeper into ourselves and raising energy in order to connect with a higher power within or without. A ritual does not have to be days or hours long, though in Tantra a long ritual can be delicious. Rituals require a clear intention and conscious preparation. What you want to accomplish with your ritual will guide you in its preparation.

In Tantra, we want to:

* Quiet the mind

* Release stress

* Energize the body

* Connect intimately with ourselves or another person or persons

* Open ourselves to the wisdom of our higher consciousness and allow ourselves to experience everything and everyone as a reflection of the Divine

A Tantric ritual can be divided into six segments, each with its own intention:

1. Set the stage: to prepare the space (see
   chapter 11
   ).
   
2. Chill out: to relax, shake off the day, and get present (see
   chapter 12
   ).
   
3. Warm up: to wake up your body and get your sexual energy moving (see
   chapter 12
   ).
   
4. Come together: to connect with your partner or with your inner lover (see
   chapter 13
   ).
   
5. Rock and roll: to enjoy some high-energy orgasmic activity (see
   chapter 14
   ).
   
6. Afterglow: to cool down and bask in the postorgasmic ether (see
   chapter 15
   ).
   

In this section, you will be creating each of these stages of a Tantric ritual with a partner. You’ll find numerous sexual positions and exercises that fulfill the intention of each stage. You do not have to do them all at once. Try the ones that resonate most with you, and go back to the others later.

Also in this section are instructions for another type of ritual: the Erotic Awakening Massage (see chapters 16 through 18). This unique and transformative process utilizes breath, erotic touch, and breath and energy orgasm techniques in a manner that allows you to travel to unimagined heights and depths of intimacy with both yourself and your partner.

Let’s begin with the first step in your ritual, setting the stage.

Doing Tantra with your partner may differ from your old style of lovemaking. At times, you may feel closer to your partner than you ever thought possible. During postures involving conscious breath, eye gazing, and movement, you may feel as though you have never met this being before. Your partner’s face may seem to change. You will be more aware of the moments of merging with your partner, as well as the moments you are completely separate. This a good and natural thing. Sometimes partner sex is about the connection between the two of you; at other times you each need to go within and focus on your own experience.

At the moment of orgasm, each of you momentarily enters a realm wherein you are not only not connected to your partner, but you may not even have a sense of yourself as a separate, independent being. You may feel like pure electrical current or a thundering wave, crashing and dissolving on the shore. Your orgasm is your own experience—it is only happening to you—even though the evidence of it may be highly enjoyable for your partner to watch. You will learn to cherish your time in that solo yet connected experience as much as you’ll adore the afterglow of your lovemaking which will provide all the time and space you need for reconnecting with your partner.

Preparation for this kind of deliciously intense dance goes far beyond any typical notion of foreplay. It begins with the creation of a safe, nurturing, sensual space which will support you in opening to your inner self and to your partner. In each subsequent stage of your ritual, you will be stepping incrementally deeper into the shared mystery of sexually-induced altered consciousness. You’ll want your environment to enhance your experience.

We therefore begin our Tantric ritual by preparing our space. I call my Tantric ritual space “Barbara’s Theatre of Sexual and Spiritual Delights” because theatre encourages a variety of environments and performances.

The Stage

Your Tantric stage is a lot more than your bed. It is at least a room and may be your entire home or, in the case of group rituals, a large rented space. How do you make your lovemaking space a sacred space? You use the same elements you’d use to create a performance space: scenery, lighting, sound, costumes, and props. Now, before you slam this book shut in frustration, breathe. This does not have to be as time-consuming as it sounds. Nor does it have to cost a lot of money. In fact, the preparation can be a lot of fun. Let me show you what I mean.

First, think like a set designer. What is the scene you are trying to create? Is it a Hindu temple? A magic cave? A vampire’s lair? Another planet? Be creative! You do not have to go out and have a set built, but keeping an image in mind will make it easier and more fun to choose the elements you’ll use to create your space.

Second, think about which design elements matter the most to you. Comfort? Visual beauty? Beautiful sounds? Great food? Yummy smells? You may not have time to create all of these as fully as you like, so pick what matters most to you and your partner(s). When I set up for a group ritual, my first priorities are comfort and music, so I enlist the help of other temple-builders who feel passionately about decorations and food. That way everyone gets what they want most.

Scenery

Choose a room to be your primary ritual space. Do not automatically choose the bedroom. You won’t be using the bed much (if at all) during Tantra, so if your living situation permits, be more creative. You can do ecstatic Tantra in just about every room of the house. Some of my favorite rituals have made use of multiple rooms, starting with a sensuous bath in the bathroom, followed by an erotic massage in the living room, culminating with a play piercing in the parlor. What if you have only one room? No problem. I practiced Tantra for years in a tiny studio apartment. Almost all of the exercises, positions, and practices can be adapted for small spaces.

The first step to creating an ideal lovemaking space is simple but critical: clean up! Tidy your space. Get rid of clutter and dirt. A cluttered space is psychically disturbing. If you can’t clear out all the clutter, at least cover it with a pretty cloth. Cover the computer, too! In Tantra, a computer screen is not a sex toy.

Place a futon, yoga mat, or some pillows or cushions on the floor. The floor is a much better Tantric space than a bed. A nice, soft mattress may feel wonderful after
your ritual, but it’s not conducive to staying present and awake. Besides, the floor is safer. No matter how wild you get, you can’t fall off the floor. But staying present and awake doesn’t mean being uncomfortable. Make sure the room temperature is right, the cushions are comfy, and you can easily change position anytime you start to feel stiff or cramped.

Purify with Sage

Clean up psychically, as well. Burn some sage. This Native American purification technique—also known as smudging—really works. The smoke from burning sage has antiseptic properties that help purify the air as it dispels stale, negative energy from people and places. I smudge myself and my space whenever I want to change consciousness, or whenever one phase of a project is over and a new one is about to begin.

You can buy a smudge stick (a cylindrical packet of dried sage wrapped with string) in a metaphysical bookshop, or you can pick up some dried sage leaves at the grocery store. If you’re using a smudge stick, simply light it. It is tightly wrapped to produce smoke, but little (if any) flame. If you’re using loose sage, burn it in a metal bowl. After you light it, the flame will usually go out pretty quickly—or it can be gently blown out. With your hand or a feather, wave the smoke into the air, around yourself and around the room. Take the time to enjoy this; it is so relaxing.

Decorate. Make the space pretty. Use brightly colored cloths, flowers, pretty cushions—anything that looks and feels sensuous. I’ve seen spaces decorated with pictures, jewelry, photos, crystals, plants, flowers, straw, ferns, fur, garlands, holiday twinkle lights, feathers, toys, leather, tinsel, and mirrors.

Lighting

Turn off the electric lights. Get back to basics: candles, candles, and more candles. Candles flicker like stars, and their light makes everyone look beautiful and feel special. I prefer the large votive candles—the ones in glass containers. They are much safer than naked candles. In the throes of ecstasy, you won’t be thinking about whether your candles are behaving properly. One especially blissed out Tantrika friend of mine burned down her temple one evening when an unprotected candle made contact with a flowing decorative cloth. In Tantra, we do try to include as much of the four elements of nature—air, fire, water, and earth—as we can; but trust me, there is such a thing as too much fire energy.

Sound

Music is one of the most important parts of my Tantric rituals. Tantra does not limit you to soft, instrumental, New Age, or classical choices. I often use intense, rhythmic African drumming and Aboriginal didgeridoo, as well as schmaltzy, beautiful, heart-opening music. The keys to choosing your music are rhythm and flow. Does the music make you want to move? Good!
How does it make you move? Is the music energy-building, or is it relaxing? Does the music open your heart and relax your shoulders? Does it make you want to move your hips? Hard, soft, fast, and slow sounds all have a place in your ritual, as well as sounds that transport you to another realm. Try space music or recordings of thunderstorms or raging oceans. Gather a juicy selection and have it close at hand so that you can change your music as you change your mood.

Do not
choose heavy metal or rap music with violent lyrics (a.k.a. gansta rap) in your rituals—not even for intense energy building. Tantra does not have many hard-and-fast rules, so I expect you to really pay attention to the few I insist on. Tantra is designed to open up all your energy centers and allow love and consciousness to flow through you. The energy—not to mention the often violent lyrics—of heavy metal and gansta rap music is psychically and physically depleting, and you just do not want that much violence and negativity around you when you are in such an open state. If you want a strong, fast beat, there are plenty of healthier choices available, such as Babatunde Olatunji’s
Drums of Passion
series. In addition, be mindful of music with lyrics. Make sure the lyrics are loving and positive and affirming, not doom-and-gloom. I generally use music without lyrics, or music with chanting or lyrics in a language I do not understand.

Am I saying that you should never listen to heavy metal or gangsta rap? No. I like rap and hip-hop. I simply stay away from violent and misogynistic lyrics. I enjoy my occasional shot of Nirvana or Marilyn Manson. I just never play it in Tantric ritual spaces.

Costumes