Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (22 page)

Breath and energy orgasms are mind-blowing in every sense of the word. They shatter our preconceived notions of how sex, pleasure, and bodies work. This is a good thing. Nothing remarkable was ever discovered without a mind or two being blown. Breath and energy orgasms may seem magical to you, but once you accept that one can (or has) happened to you, all sorts of other “magical” moments may reveal themselves—not only sexually, but in other areas of your life as well. Use your capacity for magical thinking: what else might my body be capable of doing that I hadn’t considered? How many other sexual/spiritual possibilities might be out there waiting to delight me? Read on. In the next chapter, you’ll see how solo Tantra is a perfect way to discover these new possibilities.

Most of us live in or grew up in a culture that places a heavy emphasis on the importance of monogamous coupledom. The romantic myth, in all its impossible glory, remains the model relationship most of us have sought at one time or another. We looked for that one knight in shining armor (or damsel in distress) to sweep us off our feet, meet all our physical and emotional needs, and fuck us into the bliss of our dreams for the rest of our lives. We may know intellectually or even logically that this mythical notion of romantic pairing is impossible to achieve; yet we still think of it as the model for the ideal relationship. So we try to come as close to achieving it as we can.

If you are a longtime subscriber to the romantic myth, you may have a hard time believing that there is any value or fun in solo Tantra. You may be preoccupied with the thought that you still haven’t found anyone with whom to practice real Tantra (that is, Tantra with a partner). Even if you have a sexual partner (or several), solo Tantra will introduce you to new aspects of your sexuality. It will give you the time and space to practice focusing on your own sexual energy and desires.

I have always loved solo Tantra. I have used it to discover and fall in love with myself. I have used it as creative inspiration, sexual meditation, sexual prayer, and a way of getting in touch with myself before connecting with others. For me, the essence of solo Tantra is the heart-genital connection. When I was first exploring solo Tantra, I ran across a simple exercise in a wonderful little book called
Masturbation, Tantra and Self Love
, by Margo Woods. With one hand, I masturbated using a vibrator (or my hand, dildo, or whatever). I placed the other hand on my heart. Just before I was about to orgasm, I stopped masturbating and breathed the orgasmic energy into my heart. I did this two more times before I finally let myself orgasm. I still practice this technique regularly. A wave of sexual energy rolls into my heart, flooding it with love and compassion.

Bringing sexual energy up to the heart can be effective and rewarding in a variety of situations, and it can produce some unexpectedly profound experiences.

My friend and favorite piercer, Raelyn Gallina, is someone I’ve always been able to count on for a piercing with serious spiritual content. On one of her annual visits to New York from her home in San Francisco, I scheduled an appointment for a piercing.
I decided on a clit hood piercing ritual that would deepen the connection between my heart and my clit.

I sat on a chair with my knees apart and my feet flat on the floor. I grounded myself like a tree with huge long roots that reached all the way into the center of the earth. “Say ‘Now’ when you’re ready,” Raelyn said. I was doing the Heart Breath and focusing all my attention on my heart chakra. “Now,” I said. Suddenly, a huge, hot ball of energy shot up the front of my body, exploded out of my heart, and melted as it flooded down my chest and arms. Then a huge, white-violet firecracker of energy burst in slow motion on top of and in front of my head. I had no awareness of my clit, but every other part of my body was tingling. My mind suddenly expanded; it felt as though all the molecules in my body and mind had taken three giant steps away from each other. I was a permeable membrane through which everything and everyone could pass. I felt love for and connection with everything. I was going through an overwhelmingly beautiful expression of the highest heart energy: compassion for all beings.

That’s what the right genital piercings performed by the right piercer at the right time can do. However, if genital piercings do not appeal to you as a tool for sexual, spiritual, and emotional advancement, that’s fine. What meditations or practices might you use to connect your sexuality with your heart?

Eye Gazing

It is said with good reason that the eyes are the gateway to the soul. In Tantra, we spend a lot of time gazing into the eyes of another person. This can be challenging. Eye gazing takes us to a level of intimacy we experience infrequently; it tends to make us very uncomfortable. We may feel exposed, put on the spot, and even silly. We may feel the urge to look away, or we might start to giggle. Eye gazing is a trust exercise of the highest order. Regular practice of this exercise will make eye gazing easier.

Gazing into Your Own Eyes

1. Hold a hand mirror in one hand, and place your other hand on your heart.
   
2. Look into the mirror, and look into your own nondominant eye. (If you are right-handed, your left eye is your nondominant eye; if you are left-handed, it’s your right eye.)
   
3. Breathe.
   
4. As you gaze into your own eye, have an intimate dialogue with yourself. Try to speak it out loud. If that makes you feel too uncomfortable, say it silently. As you become more comfortable with this kind of intimacy, it will become easier to speak. Try using the following as a guideline for your dialogue. Just complete these statements with as much truth and love as you can.
   

   I love you for …
   

   I forgive you for …
   

   If I really loved you, I would …
   

   Because I really love you, I will …
   

If this sounds too New-Agey to be true, I empathize. I once thought that way. But I realized that if I couldn’t have this simple dialogue with myself, I was kidding myself into thinking I could have real intimacy with someone else. Intimacy had always been a dangerous game for me. As I was growing up, I couldn’t be open and honest with my parents. When I did try to be clear and truthful about who I was, what I did, and what I thought or felt, I was either punished or yelled at. I’d learned that being intimate with someone was the equivalent of shooting myself in the foot. It took me a long time and a lot of work to open up and trust the people I love and who love me. Mirror work like this eye gazing exercise was one of my most powerful tools in that process.

Intimacy is love expressed with trust, courage, attentiveness, and honesty. I’ll bet you can find at least one of these qualities inside yourself—perhaps all four. Dive right in. Practice open-eyed orgasms. Masturbate while looking into a mirror and look into your own eyes as you orgasm. As you come, tell yourself how sexy you are and how much you love yourself.

The Microcosmic Orbit

The primary bioelectric circuit along which life/sex energy runs in your body is called the Microcosmic Orbit. Blockages to the free flow of life/sex energy accumulate along the Microcosmic Orbit as a result of the pressures and strains of modern life, such as stressful work, poor diet, shallow breathing, poor posture, and lack of exercise. Blocked energy can be manifested as fatigue, illness, and a weak immune system. When you consciously circulate energy around the Microcosmic Orbit, you begin to clear these blockages, and you can enjoy a sexier, more energized, and ecstatic life.

The Microcosmic Orbit

1. Stand or sit comfortably with your feet flat on the floor and your spine straight.
   
2. Place your awareness at your perineum. Breathe in, drawing energy up and around to your tailbone. Then draw that energy up through your spine and neck, over the top of your head, and finally down your forehead to the roof of your mouth.
   
3. Place the tip of your tongue on the roof of your mouth. This connects the back and front channels.
   
4. Exhale, letting the energy trickle down the front of your body, over your genitals, and back to your perineum.
   
5. Repeat. This time, make it sexier. As you inhale, use a Kegel or two to pump the energy up your spine. Imagine that you are wrapping yourself in an egg-shaped cocoon of your own erotic energy. Feel that egg of energy. Give it a color, a texture, a sound, a smell, and a taste.
   

With regular practice, the Microcosmic Orbit will enter into your muscle memory and you won’t have to think so hard to keep the orbit going. Then you can add masturbation. Practice circulating your own erotic energy until it becomes as natural, easy, and common as breathing.

Vibrate Those Chakras

This is a simple and effective way to wake up all your chakras and energize your entire body. I learned this from Betty Dodson, in her Bodysex workshop.

Starting at the first chakra, hold an electric vibrator to your body at all seven chakra points: the perineum, the sex center (lower abdomen), the solar plexus, the heart, the throat, the third eye (forehead), and the crown (top of the head). When you are vibrating over bone or a sensitive area—that is, the four upper chakras—place your hand between the vibrator and your body to make the vibration less intense. When you get to the top of your head, vibrate your way back down again if you like.

Masturbation is a great activity to accompany a chakra meditation. As you vibrate your chakras, notice which chakras are more (or less) sensitive than the rest. You can masturbate with the intention of soothing or bringing healing to these chakras. You
can also dedicate or send your orgasm to that chakra and, in the afterglow, ask if there is something you need to know from that chakra to bring your body, emotions, or life into balance.

Discover What Truly Turns You On

Which of the following would be most likely to turn you on?

* Watching a lover do a tantalizing striptease