Up In Flames (19 page)

Stinging with an unusual kind of pain, and worry over losing Shane, Jules walked quietly into the house.

He'd fallen asleep on the couch, spent from the day's ordeal. She knew he was likely physically exhausted and emotionally undone over the thought of almost losing Tom in the fire.

It had probably brought back memories of Alana's death. Of the wife he loved so much, and then lost. He probably thought of Alana each time he walked into the fire station. After all, he'd reshaped his whole life in her honor, changing his career because of what happened to her. Her image probably sprang to mind each time he had to rescue someone, lighting his way like a beautiful beacon. And as much as the idea made her want to burst into jealous tears all over again, it made her respect him all the more.

"No,” she murmured. “Respect is not really the right word, is it?” She brushed her fingers along his temple, and fought the tears pooling in her eyes.

At her touch, his eyes fluttered, and then slowly opened. Jules withdrew her fingers, feeling badly for disturbing him. But Shane caught her hand in his, and held it to his chest. “Where do you think you're going?"

"I didn't mean to wake you up."

"Well, I'm up. Now get over here.” He pulled her on top of him, not allowing her a chance to fight, and wound his arms around her. She made a little noise of protest, and Shane pulled her in tighter, turning and wedging her between his body and the couch. He buried his face in her neck, obviously not caring it might irritate his wound. And as she breathed in the smell of char clinging to him, he breathed in her own scent and she felt his body start to relax. Probably for the first time in hours. “That's better."

She lay still for a long time, thinking he might fall asleep. But then his warm hand began to trace a path along her waist, her hip and down her thigh. She felt her heart begin to race the way it did each time he touched her. But she didn't want it this time, not now she realized the truth of her feelings for him.

She just couldn't let this go on any longer. She didn't want to love anyone, and certainly not Shane Gaskill, the object of lust for all the women in the county. The man who still grieved for his saintly, impossibly stunning wife.

His hand slipped between her thighs, caressing, sliding higher. Jules made a noise and pulled away.

"No, Shane. No!"

Hearing her distress, he sat up and cupped her face. “Jules, honey, what's wrong? You won't hurt me. I'm okay, I promise.” He touched a finger to her breast and leaned in for a kiss.

"I said no!” She jumped off the couch and stood before him, eyes on fire, made even brighter by her sudden tears.

Shane's eyes widened at the sight of her. What had he done to anger her so? He knew it wasn't the most sensitive thing to start pawing at her as soon as her family left, but he couldn't help it. He always wanted to touch Jules. Loved touching Jules. Needed to touch her.

He thought she needed to touch him, too.

"Jules,” he said, “it's okay. We don't have to have sex right now.” He smiled at her. “Believe me, after what happened today, I wasn't planning on seducing you when you walked in here, but you know what you do to me."

"Right.” She bit her lip and swiped her tears away. “I just don't think you realize what you do to me."

Shit. Just looking at her, he could tell things had gone horribly wrong. They'd gone down the exact opposite path they'd planned. So much for keeping it light and fucking breezy. As he watched her plan her next words, he felt a distinct dread enter his soul. Dread that he'd hurt her somehow.

But he also felt something else, something he hadn't felt in years. Hope. He hadn't wanted a relationship with Jules, but it seemed Fate might have other ideas. He just wasn't sure if he was supposed to fight it or not.

Wasn't he supposed to fight this?

He was beginning to hate this whole “let's keep this casual” crap agreement. The one he'd basically suggested, and hadn't bothered to amend once the threats escalated. Because of him, Jules didn't know if she was coming or going. He was beginning to think he was as much of a damned fool as Kevin McGuinness.

"You could have died today,” she said so quietly he almost didn't hear her.

He stood and tried to reach for her hands again, and frowned when she pulled away. Again. “I wasn't going to die, Jules. I'm trained for these situations. I knew what I was doing."

"I'm sure Tom Blanchard knew what he was doing, too."

Dammit, her concern was touching. Too touching. He knew Jules was a bit of a worrier, but he hadn't expected this outpouring of anxiety on his behalf. He didn't think Alana had ever fretted over him like this.

It felt nice. And was troubling at the same time.

"Look. Between you and me, Jules, I've already seen a couple of signs Tom should have retired some time ago. What happened today only confirms my suspicions. He was getting sloppy. I can't have that on my team. If he hadn't been injured, I would have been having a conversation with him."

"This isn't about Tom,” she said, her breath ragged. “The fact remains you could go to work one day and not come back. I'm sorry if I find the idea mildly off-putting."

"Oh, baby, come here.” He reached for her and embraced her, sweeping her body against his before she could pull away and shatter his confidence yet again. He kissed the top of her head softly and made her look at him. “I don't like to see you so upset. How on earth did you handle it when Kevin went to work?"

She stared at him, blinking, as if she didn't know who Kevin was. That was when it hit Shane like a ton of bricks. What she felt for him had somehow already gone way deeper than what she ever felt for Kevin. The realization made him sway a little, made him light-headed. Delirious and bothered at once.

And if he cared to admit it to himself, he'd worried today as well. In the midst of that inferno, as he'd carried Blanchard from the flames, he'd thought of Jules. He'd been terrified, not of dying so much as not being able to see her face again. The vision had surprised him with its intensity, had put wings on his feet so he could move fleetly through the rubble and smoke. So he could return to her.

And maybe that's why he couldn't get his hands off her. He was afraid to let her go.

He'd been so scared to get involved after Alana. So scared to love and maybe lose again. But the thought of losing Jules before he could love her properly was even more frightening.

Maybe it was time to try again. Casual sucked.

Grinning, emboldened by his new determination, Shane whispered, “Jules, I want to..."

"I can't do this anymore, Shane."

Her words cut him to the core. Made him stutter and stammer. “W-wait a second. I was about to say..."

"No,” she replied simply, moving out of his arms. “I won't do this. I was fooling myself. What we have here, whatever it is, I don't want it. And neither do you. It's clear we can't give each other what we want. What we need. I can't be involved with you. Not in any way."

As she walked upstairs and locked her bedroom door, locking him out of the sanctuary they'd shared for a heart-pounding week, Shane sat stunned. And realized he'd never felt quite so cold.

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Two days later, Shane was back at work. Not because he should be. He knew he ought to take more time to rest after the harrowing rescue. But he couldn't just sit there in the Baker farmhouse and watch Jules go through her day. He needed to escape.

He'd never been so miserable in his life.

She wouldn't talk to him, would barely look at him. He'd tried everything he could think of to stir her, to make her see he cared. Cared deeply.

He just couldn't say the words he knew she needed to hear. The words which terrified him. The words pounding in his ribs, dying to get out, but which wouldn't pass his lips. He'd killed that sentiment so long ago, banished it to some deep, buried spot inside him. And now, he wasn't sure he trusted himself to express it. What if he did and something went wrong? What then?

It was no good anyway. She'd clearly become disinterested. Every time he so much as looked in her direction, she looked in another. She'd become an unmovable boulder.

And it was his fault. Because of his ridiculous insistence on a casual relationship. He'd treated her no better than a live-in booty call. Of course, she hated him. He'd known from day one Jules Baker didn't do casual. He'd seen it in her eyes the day she fought with Kevin, and he'd admired it about her. Rooted for her.

Wanted her.

And now he'd lost her.

He'd been trying to arrange some refresher HazMat training for the unit and had been staring, bleary-eyed, at the same schedule for over an hour. It was hard to concentrate on work when all he could do was wonder whether Jules was in pain, too. Was she at home, trying to spruce up the B&B, but failing at her work as he was? Was she trying to paint or scour, or was she stuck to the couch, staring into space like he was?

He stared at the phone on his desk. He could call her. She'd probably hang up on him anyway.

"No, she wouldn't hang up,” he sniffed angrily. “She'd speak, but she'd be all polite and cold. Then she'd hang up."

Feeling his head ache with an insistent pounding, he dug his hands into his hair and leaned on the desk. He needed to go home.

Funny how he thought of the farmhouse as home. Now, of all times.

There was a crashing noise outside his office, and Shane squeezed his eyes shut against the pain searing his brain. He looked up, only to find Kevin pounding on his closed office door. A couple of other men, Kevin's buddies, were huddled behind him, but they wandered off as they saw Shane lift his head.

What the hell did he want now? “Come in,” Shane growled.

Kevin barged in. “I need to talk to you."

Shane sat up, not in the mood. “So, talk."

Kevin stared at him, blue eyes on fire, and then paced the office. His fists were curled at his side and his posture was tense, angry. “I went to see Jules today."

Shane felt his own fists tighten automatically. He hated even hearing her name in Kevin's mouth. “And this concerns me how?"

"It concerns you because...” He floundered, weighing his words. “I came to you, man to man. Explained myself to you. Told you I wasn't finished with Jules."

Shane cringed. “Wasn't finished? Buddy, she was finished with you.” He got up, disgusted and went to stare out the window, turning his back on Kevin.

Kevin drew nearer. “I went to her today, pleaded my case. Begged her to take me back. And I found her in an absolute mess. I've never seen her like that. She was a changed person. She was cold and angry. Said she's through with men."

Shane could just see her, so vulnerable and small, so distant and numb. A stab of pain shot through his heart. He did this to her. She'd been so sweet and beautifully awkward when he first met her. He'd made her withdraw with his juvenile behavior. “You should learn to leave well enough alone, Kevin. Just leave Jules alone."

"Are you ordering me as my captain?” he huffed. “Or are you now speaking as the traitor who slept with my girlfriend?"

Shane slowly turned around, his face as red as his gash was two days ago. His jaw clenched. “What did you call me?"

"You heard me. A traitor.” To emphasize his point, Kevin shoved Shane's shoulder.

Shane choked out a noise, a laugh of incredulity. “What did Jules tell you?"

"Oh, don't worry. She didn't actually reveal your little secret. But it doesn't take a genius to see she's upset with someone other than me. And it doesn't take a brainiac to figure out the man she's sleeping with is the one under her roof.” He shook his head in disbelief. “You took advantage of her when she was vulnerable. I knew I should never have trusted you."

"Trust? That's a good one, coming from the man who abused her trust."

He recoiled, stung by the truth. “I know what I did was wrong, but I've been trying to make amends. You ruined that for me with your sordid affair.” He laughed. “Tell me, captain. How did you enjoy her? In her bed? Against the wall? Did she do that nifty little thing with her tongue...?"

"Shut up! You have no right to talk about her like that.” Shane felt fire in his chest, in his lungs. Couldn't breathe for his fury. He knew if Kevin didn't get out of his office, something bad would happen. Soon. “Get outta here!"

"Nah, I think I'll stick around some,” Kevin replied, cocky as anything. “I'm curious. You're a good-looking guy, successful. The ladies obviously love you. I saw that at the auction. You could probably have anyone you want. So, I'm interested in knowing why you'd settle for my sloppy seconds.” He smiled smugly at Shane.

"What did you call her?” Shane advanced, his eyes burning, unable to raise his voice above a deathly, quiet timbre.

Kevin stood up to his full height, and shrugged. “You heard me. Sloppy. Seconds."

Shane hit him. Hard. It was one punch. One, single, gratifying punch which sent Kevin flying against the back wall of the office and tumbling to the floor. He watched the man cradle his sore jaw and stare up at him in disbelief. He'd hit him again if he needed to, with infinite pleasure, but held himself back from doing so.

"I'll sue your ass.” Kevin scrambled to his feet and reached for the door. “I'll tell the papers about our beloved fire captain and his anger management issues. You'll lose your job."

Shane sat on the edge of his desk and crossed his arms, not even aware of his bloody fist. He took a deep breath and offered Kevin a cold, little smile. “You do whatever you need to do. But you know, as well as I do, you deserved that and a whole lot more."

Kevin yanked the office door open.

"Oh, and McGuinness,” Shane said. “If you ever show your face at the farmhouse again, I'll show you how angry I can get."

He watched Kevin leave, fully aware he probably would lose his job over this. He'd be disgraced. Would probably have to relocate again. It would go on his record. He'd likely never be hired by another fire department again. It would be the end of his firefighting career.

But he finally got to hit Kevin. And for that fleeting moment at least, he felt fucking wonderful.