Unspoken (19 page)

“You are the man I fell in love with 8 years ago,” I said trying to whisper but failing miserably when a sob took over.

“Is this what you want?” He asked as if he was amazed, “A man who doesn’t know who he is?”

“I want you,” I couldn’t help it, it was the truth.

“I know,” he said entangling his fingers in my hair like he used to and I let him. It was one of the most comforting feelings ever. “This is all my fault.”

“It is,” I said sniffling. He chuckled.

“I need time to give you perfection, Mar,” he kissed the top of my head again, “you deserve the best me I can possibly give you.”

“I just want you,” there, I said it again.

“You deserve the best and right now I’m not that. I am working on getting better, I’m working on becoming the man you fell in love with. I am changing, you are changing me back to the man I forgot I was, you are changing me into a man worth your love and while that is amazing I have to get used to the new me before I give myself to you because, Mar, when I finally do it will be for good and completely. I will be forever yours,” and there I was sobbing like crazy.

He’d just said something that I’d dreamed of him saying. He was saying he wanted to be with me for the rest of my life just not yet. I felt that my heart swelled with emotions that I’d never known before because we were talking big and definitive feelings but still I was scared, scared of the moody Jackson, scared that he would change his mind, scared that he would never leave his fiancé to be with me. I was scared like I’d never been before because I finally had what I wanted. I had his love and spoken words that reassured me that he was feeling that and the mere thought of losing that was about to drive me insane.

“I promise you, Mar, when I am back everything will be different,” he said with his lips pressed at the top of my head and my head still on his chest.

“Ok,” I said agreeing on waiting for him even if it meant that I might lose myself forever in the maze of Jackson.

“I will be gone,” he pulled me apart a little so I could look him “no phone calls, no social media, no texts,” he said repeating words we did every time he left for college. I nodded. I looked at him and tried to think real hard of a way of making him remember him.

“I need you to remember me,” I said as I kissed his forehead “I need you to know,” I kissed his cheek “that I’ll day every single day that you are gone,” I kissed his nose “I need you to understand,” I kissed the corner of his mouth “that without you I’m half the woman I’m supposed to be.”

“What are you doing, Marion?” he asked with tears in his eyes.

“Tattooing my kisses in your skin,” I place my hands behind his neck “in that way every time she comes close to you you’ll remember that you belong to me, that you have been mine for almost a decade and nothing will come even close to this,” I finally crushed my lips to his and kissed him with a passion that held a lot of anger, pain and anguish but also a lot of hope and wishes of a greater future. We kissed for a long time both of throwing guilt out the window, allowing ourselves to enjoy the kiss because it was ours.

“I’ll remember,” he rested his forehead against mine, both of us with our eyes closed.

“Me too,” I said as I ran my hands through his hair.

We stood there in silence for a while. Me on his lap, my head on his chest, his hands on my hair. Neither of us wanted the night to end but it had to. After a while we stood up, grabbed our jackets and walked out of the bakery. Jackson called me a cab and it got there we hugged for what seemed an eternity.

“I’ll see you next year,” I said

“You will,” he seemed so sad to leave. I know I was sad he was.

He finally smiled,
You are everything.

You are MY everything,
I smiled.

I got in the cab and looked at him through the window and waved goodbye. I was scared it was a real good bye but at least I had had the chance to say good bye this time around. If he never came back I would be able to remember this night as the night we said good bye and it might kill me and drive me to spend my life covered in cookie dough but at least I’d know that I got to say goodbye. That thought broke me all over again and the tears didn’t stop flowing all the way home, once I was in bed and next morning when I opened my eyes and realized that Jackson wasn’t there anymore.

My heart knew it and it felt empty.

“What’s wrong?” Jackson asked me as I hid my face on his chest. I was too emotional to even look at him in the eye. Alexa had left to California a week before and now it was his turn to leave me.

“Nothing,” my voice muffled by his chest

“C’mon Mar,” he lifted my face by my chin with his finger “We’ve done this before,” he kissed my nose

“I know,” tears start flowing down my face “it feels different this time,” I shrugged but went on crying.

“I’ll be back sooner than you think,” he smiled,
don’t you believe me?

“I want to,” I said.

“C’mon, Mar, we’ll be ok,” he kissed my forehead.

“Ok,” I finally said wiping the tears in my face.

“Ok,” he nodded and then kissed me.

“Go on, it’s getting late,” I said pushing him by his chest.

“I just want to make sure that you are ok,” he ran his fingers through my hair.

“I’ll be ok,” I smiled,
believe me
.

“I do,” he said and kissed me one more time before he left. He climbed inside the car and I saw him drive away hoping with all my heart that that wasn’t the last time I saw him.

It was amazing how I got used to him in a few months. Since Jackson left I went through life feeling like I was missing a leg. I felt incomplete and I couldn’t actually pin point the exact feeling it was just something that was with me as a constant. It was a feeling that I never got to feel the first time that Jackson left me because it took a long time to accept that he was gone but once I did all hell broke loose.

The fact that I felt incomplete didn’t mean that I was depressed or sad all the time, I actually so much hope for my future that I was in a great mood. I knew that if I held on to my mood for the next two week then everything would turn out for the best.

Like I said before, Holidays were a really busy time in the bakery and that gave me a sense of purpose every day, that and all the feelings I had floating around made a perfect combo for the new recipes and fruit cakes to flow like it was the last Christmas I was going to be alive.

I spent Christmas eve and morning at my parents and with a bunch of his club friends. It was horrible because they talked about a lot of shit that I didn’t care but at least I wasn’t alone. Leonard’s parents stop by on Christmas’ eve and didn’t mention a thing about our break up the night before so that meant that he hadn’t talk to them. Those news were the perfect Christmas present for my parents, especially my mother. She was appalled, crying and sobbing as if she was the one that had been dumped.

“What did you do, Marion?” she cried into her hands “That might have been your only chance,” Gee, thank you, mother.

I didn’t care much about that. I knew that my one and only chance was in New York and I was hoping that he was feeling as miserable as I felt.

New Year’s eve came and I was so excited to see the end of the year because it meant that I was going to see Jackson soon. Alexa , Connor, Lauren and I went to a party in a club somewhere in the Hamptoms. I was designated driver for the night so I let everyone get drunk.

“Not drinking tonight?” Lauren asked me sitting in a stool next to me at the bar.

“Nah, don’t feel like it,” It was true I just wanted the time to faster. I looked at her hand and saw a bottle of water.

“You are not drinking either,” I stated the obvious.

“No, I’m not;” she said looking at the dance floor where Alexa and Connor were doing some kind of dance battle that looked pretty ridiculous. I’m sure they thought they looked like pros.

“Why?” I asked and she just looked at me. “You are pregnant,” I said and she couldn’t hide her grin anymore. “Oh my God, Lauren, are you?” I jumped down from the stool where I was.

“I am,” she nodded and I jumped to hug her.

“Oh!! Congratulations! I’m so happy for you!!! Does Connor know?” I asked holding her hands in mine.

“Not yet, I was planning on telling him at midnight ,” she had a wide smile on.

“Oh, I’m so happy for you guys,” I couldn’t believe it. I was sure this hadn’t been planned since they had been married for a year and they had talked about waiting at least 2 years. Still, Lauren looked ecstatic and I was sure Connor would be the happiest man alive once he knew.

As midnight approached I saw Alexa finding the guy she would be kissing that night and Lauren going towards Connor. I decided that I was going to stay in my place with my bottle of water and I would enjoy Connor getting the biggest news he’d ever had.

I heard everyone yelling
Happy New Year
and saw Lauren telling something to Connor in his ear. His eyes widened and he looked shocked as hell, I could clearly see his lips forming the word
Seriously?
and Lauren nodded and the he lift her up in a hug and spun her around. I was crying all alone in the stool as I saw two of my best friends enjoying one of the happiest moments ever.

I sent them all a text message that I was leaving because I knew that Lauren was sober enough to drive them all home. I didn’t get a reply until I was already home but they all seemed fine with me leaving. I got into bed and closed my eyes willing myself to sleep. I was ready for this year to start.

Jackson had decided to spend the holidays with me. I couldn’t be happier. He was back in the Hamptons with me and Alexa was back from college. She hadn’t changed one bit and when we saw each other it was as if we had seen each other the day before. We talked everyday and had extensive video chats where she would tell me everything about the guys she met, although I was pretty sure she was close to falling for one of those guys. She had heart shaped eyes whenever she talked about him.

I’d seen Jackson for winter break and Thanksgiving weekend but it had been really quick because he was quite busy with his last year in college. Every time I asked about Law school he’d shrugged and said he hadn’t decided what to do. I was expecting him to apply to a nearby university, in that way we could keep on seeing each other.

For Christmas eve Jackson and I had a especial night. We had dinner at the beach, we were freezing the whole time and the wind knocked everything down but we were together and we had the greatest time ever. For Christmas morning, after opening gifts with my parents, I ran to Alexa’s because Connor had invited Jackson for Christmas morning so he would have family to spend the day with.

“Why are you here?” I asked him as he passed his arms around my waist. We were in Alexa’s living room but her parents had gone to get ready for the day and we were there watching T.V and having hot cocoa with brownies I’d brought over.

“Because you are here,” he kissed my nose.

“Why aren’t you with your parents?” I was confused.

“Because you are here,” he repeated and I kissed him.

For New Year’s the four of us drove to the city to a party one of Connor’s and Jackson’s friends. We ended up spending the night in a hotel. It was the perfect way to see the ending of another year. I was with Jackson and my two best friends. I was amazed and thankful for the life I had. I couldn’t be more lucky and I knew it. I wanted to live every moment to the fullest because, fortunately, I was very conscious of my blessings. I was very aware that I was in love and I had my future very clear.

January 1
st
. One would think the day would be designed to nurse a hangover and eat like a pig, but no! The Hamptons social club decided that it was the day that they would throw a ball to welcome the new members of the board. This year it was just one member and that member turned out to be my father. I had to attend the damn ball, a very boring, formal ball where I was sure I was going to bump into Sara Bardwell. I screamed into the pillow in bed and decided to start my day.

After a long shower I went to my kitchen and had breakfast that had as a main ingredient carbs. As I ate my carb fest in front of the T.V I texted Alexa reminding her that she was going to the ball as my plus one. She replied with a series of curse words but, in the end, agreeing on going.

I spent most of day in front of my T.V watching mindless shows and dreading the moment I had to get ready for the ball.

My mother had taken me shopping for a very expensive dress. I had to admit that it was the most amazing dress I had seen in a while. I secretly wished that Jackson could be there to see me. The dress was green upon my mother’s request. It wasn’t lime green, nor neon green, nor lettuce green it was bright green like my eyes. It was one shouldered and in something that was called mermaid style. All I knew was that it was kind of difficult to walk in it and that I looked great. My hair was up in a very tight French bun and my make up was very natural. I had to give away a sense of classic beauty, whatever that meant.

I decided to take a cab to the club because driving on the damn dress and high heels was difficult. When I got to the club the ball hadn’t begun yet but my parents were already there waiting for me.