Unspoken (18 page)

“Marion, you love him,”

“Don’t say it,” I smacked his shoulder.

“It’s the truth,” he said laughing and touching the spot I smacked.

“I don’t want to make it real, ok?” I send him a murderous stare

“Ok,” he shook his head and we went on shopping what we needed for the party.

I hated the fact that Connor had placed those words right in the center of my brain because for the next couple of days all I could think about was that. Those words that I had decided not to speak out loud. They were better left unspoken.

“Is Leonard coming?” Alexa yelled so I could actually listen her voice that was drowned by the music playing. People had arrived already and the party is in full swing.

I nodded “Yes, he said he’d stop by,” I shrugged.

“He needs to go away again?” Alexa asked I just nodded and she rolled her eyes. Jackson was somewhere around the party we had talked a bit had a few rainbow jelly shots and then we went on our own. By the way those rainbow jelly shots were my master piece, they had cupcake flavored vodka, a bit of lemonade and, of course jello that in several colors. At the very top a bit of whipped cream. Yeah, perfect combination to get drunk as hell. That was the whole purpose of this party every year. Usually Lauren and Connor were in charge of having a taxi service at the door for every drunken individual that wanted to leave. It was our way of ending the year with a BANG. I was currently wondering where the fuck was Leonard because I really didn’t want him to see me, after almost a month, drunk.

I’m here. Can you come out?
That was him. He had been acting so strange and I was wondering what he wanted to talk about.

“Hey,” I said as I walked towards him and kissed him. He didn’t let the kiss go very much further than a little peck on the lips.

“How are you?” he has a kind smile but still I sensed something is wrong.

“Great,” I looked through the bakery’s window “everyone is having a blast,” I nodded and turned to look at him. He was quiet and I felt annoyed by this point “What is it, Leonard?”

“Marion, I wanted to talk to you,” what the fuck? I know what this is about and I don’t like it one bit.

“You are breaking up with me,” I said as I hugged myself and got teary eyed.

“It’s not that I don’t like you, Marion,” he tried to get closer to me but I took one step back “Marion, don’t be like that,” he seemed sad.

“Why, Leonard?” I asked revealing a bit of the panic attack I was about to have. Having Leonard in my life meant that I didn’t have to wait for Jackson to love me, to break it off with
Sally
; having Leonard in my life meant that I wasn’t lonely.
But you are lonely, Marion.
Fuck you, brain.

“Last time I saw you was a month ago, Marion,” he shook his head and put his hand in the back of his neck “It’s quite unfair to you to have you waiting to see when is my job going to let you see your boyfriend,” Yeah that was true but I didn’t mind. I loved the idea of a boyfriend. The idea.

“But… we are good together,” I frowned still not understanding what happened.

Leonard laughed bitterly “Oh we are, we are so good together but I’m never here,” he shrugged “just last week I missed another fair and it broke my heart knowing that I will probably miss the nationals,” he looked up to meet my eyes “I just wished I didn’t love my job so much because maybe I would be able to choose you over it,” ouch! But at least he was honest.

“I understand,” I said still hugging myself.

“Mar,” what the fuck Jackson? Really? Right now? I only turned to look at him “The guys want to know if there are more of those rainbow shots.”

“Yeah,” I closed my eyes and calmed myself “in the fridge. You’ll have to put the whipped cream though.”

“Great,” he said and went inside.

“That boy is in love with you, you know?” I heard Leonard said and if I was drinking something I’m sure I would’ve spitted or choke.

“What?” I said with my eyes almost bulging out of my eyes.

“C’mon Marion,” he walked closer and finally hugged me and I allowed myself to hug him back because it might be one of the last chances, “the way he looks at you,” he kissed the top of my head, “he’s the kind of guy you need,” Jesus Christ on a fucking cracker. Why? Why did he have to go and said something like that.

“Want to come inside for a bit?” I asked still hugging him. I didn’t want to let him go. The idea of him.

“No, I have to get back to work,” I nodded against his chest.

“I don’t want you to go,” I finally said. I didn’t, he was my security blanket.

“I know,” we stayed there hugging for I don’t know how long.

“Mar, I’m going to get some ice,” Jesus, Jackson! Go away! I heard his car’s engine and assumed he was gone to get more ice.

“We do have fun together,” Leonard finally said and I nodded “I don’t want to sound like a douche bag but maybe we could have fun whenever I’m in town and if you aren’t dating or something,” I looked up and saw his beautiful green eyes

“I’d love that,” I smiled “We do have fun much better than most couples,” he chuckled and kissed me on the lips.

“I’ll keep in touch, though,” he said and I nodded “You are my friend too, and I want to be in your life.”

“I’d love that,” I knew my eyes were filling with tears and he hugged me one last time.

“It’s the best for you, right?” he asked as he hugged me as if he didn’t want to let me go either.

“Maybe,” I was sure I was digging my nails so hard that I was going to leave marks.

“Ok,” he finally pulled apart and put his hands on both sides of my face “last one,” he said and kissed me. It was filled with sadness and fears. “I’ll call you,” he said once he pulled apart and walked to his car.

“Please do that,” I said hugging myself again. It was freezing and I only had a sweatshirt on.

“Find yourself a Jackson, Marion,” he smiled as he got in his car. SHUT THE FUCK UP, LEONARD. I waved him goodbye and walked back to the bakery. In that moment and I am determined to get shit faced no matter what. I need to forget my shitty life for a moment. So, I march to the shot table and swallow 4 rainbow shots in a row.

“Whoa! Whoa! Wait a second,” Connor grabbed my hand stopping me from swallowing a fifth shot.

“Leave her, Connor,” she swatted Connor’s hand away “we are supposed to be drunk.”

“That was fast though,” he said still with my hand on his hand and me looking between the two of them while they give good points on why I shouldn’t get drunk faster.

“I just got dumped,” I said and they both shut up.

“Drink up, sister,” said Connor and finally let me swallow up the fifth shot.

“What?” Alexa grabbed me by the shoulders and made me look at her.

“I really don’t want to talk about it tonight,” I said already feeling the alcohol effects

“Ok, then, let’s get shit faced,” she said giving me a sixth shot that I happily took.

I had no idea how much time passed but suddenly I was dancing on the top of a table to country music. I had discarded my sweatshirt, because it was getting incredibly hot, and was wearing a red tank top and jeans. Still was hot like hell but I couldn’t get naked, I wasn’t that drunk… yet. I saw Jackson coming back with bags of ice and I cocked my head to the side like a golden retriever. Where was he? Oh, yeah, he left to get some ice. He was smiling,
aren’t you a vision?

“Come here,” I mouthed to him while swaying my hips to whichever country song was on. He showed me the bags of ice he was carrying and went to the kitchen.

“Don’t do anything stupid,” Alexa slurred in my ear.

“I doubt he would allow me,” I said giving a big drink to whatever I had in my cup. It tasted sweet.

“Mar,” I saw Jackson standing next to the table where I was dancing.

“Hey,” I tried to jump down the table but he had to help me. I put both my arms around his neck and smiled,
you are so handsome.
He was, he was wearing a button down, short sleeved, green shirt and jeans, his hair a mess and that beard that meant that he was still with me because he had grown it the moment he came back to me.

“Here,” I said grabbing a shot from a tray that someone passed by “take a shot with me,” I smiled,
get it? Shot?
I showed him the jelly shot.

“Yes, I get it,” he laughed and put his hands on my hips and I was on fire. I have no idea why did it feel like I could catch fire at any given moment. Maybe it was because I was single or just because Jackson always made me feel like I could have a sex marathon if he asked me to. I put a shot in his mouth and watched him swallow it and I thought it was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen. I took one myself and I thought I looked sexy but who the fuck knows, I was drunk and sweating, my hair probably looked like death weed.

“Leonard dumped me,” I slurred in his ear. He closed his eyes and gripped my hips tighter.

“I didn’t need to know that,” He said still with his eyes closed and shaking his head.

“I didn’t need him to do that,” I said and put my head on his shoulder as we sway to the music.

Little by little the people left. In the end the only ones left were Connor, Lauren, Alexa, Jackson and me.

“Guys,” said Connor with a couple of beers on his right hand and Lauren’s waist on his left “we are going now. We’ll see you tomorrow morning for the clean up.”

“Clean up?” Jackson asked. We both were sitting on the nasty floor of the bakery he had his back against the wall and I was between his legs with my back against his chest.

“Clean up, buddy,” I said tapping his knee. I was still drunk.

“I’m leaving today,” he said and every single particle of oxygen in my body left me.

“Ok,” said Connor knowing that it was time for him to leave and let us to talk “we are leaving. Jackson call me,” he said as he left.

“Jackson,” said Alexa swaying a bit on the bakery’s door “Don’t be an ass,” and with that she left and Jackson laughed out loud. I couldn’t because I was still grasping for some air.

“You are leaving,” I finally whispered and he nuzzled my neck

“I am,” I felt his voice against my neck. I turned around in my spot so I would be able to look at him.

“Don’t fuck her,” I begged. I was drunk and I might not have a filter but maybe for that special talk I needed to leave all filters aside.

“I won’t,” he said taking me by my waist and sitting me on his lap. I snaked my arms around his neck.

“Are you coming back?” I was crying and I had no idea why.

“I am,” he wiped them with his thumb.

“I think I’m in love with you,” he said. What?

“I know,” I said to him running my fingers through his hair. I know? Really? I must’ve been still too drunk because what kind of answer was that? I’d been dying to hear that for 8 long years and now it was here. I guess it wasn’t that much of a shock, I guess I always knew it.

“What should I do, Mar?” he looked into my eyes searching for the answer to everything that we needed but he was looking in the wrong place. I was as lost as he was. I had no idea what to do myself.

“The right thing, Jackson,” I kissed him in the cheek. In that second he got closer and grabbed my face with both of his hands and put his lips on mine.

“No, please, Jackson, stop,” I begged putting my hands on his shoulders.

“I don’t want to stop, Marion,” he said with his lips still against mine.

“I don’t want to either but you need to,” I closed my eyes and shook my head, “you might break my heart if you don’t,” I meant that. I couldn’t handle kissing, or more, Jackson with the kind of relationship we had. We were back in a place where all I needed was a kiss just to fall back in love.

“I can’t, Marion,” he said resting his forehead against mine while breathing fast “I just can’t.”

He finally opened his eyes and looked at me, “Don’t you see?” he grabbed my waist “You burn me, Marion. You are fire. Whenever I touch you my whole body burns and I can’t take it anymore. I want to light myself on fire and be with you!” I put my hand on his heart and felt it racing, he was practically raising his voice and I was just there, looking at him, amazed that he was feeling something, he was passionate about something and it was ME! ME, Marion!

“Yes, I am,” he finally said looking at me.

“I didn’t say anything,” I choked a sob.

“You were smiling,” he said. In that second and with that simple line I began weeping. I was sobbing like a baby, hiccups and everything. Jackson kept me on his lap but hugged me. I put my head on his chest.

“You change everything, Jackson,” I cried and cried.

“I’ve changed, Marion,” he said with his lips on the top of my head and I kept hiccupping away.

“You have,” I tried to say.

“I don’t recognize what I see anymore,” I heard the strain in his voice.

“It’s been too long since you saw what you are seeing now,” and there I went sobbing again.

“No,” I felt him shaking his head. “It’s just that…” he was struggling to find the words, “I don’t know who I am anymore.”