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“And what if you try something and don’t like it?” Sam asked, frowning.

“Then I don’t do it again.”

“Even if that would mean losing Adam?”

Paul became still. He didn’t know how to answer.

“Paul?” Richard appeared from around the corner, smiling. “You have a visitor.”

Paul gaped when Adam stepped into view, wearing his glasses, his cane in his hand. “What are you…?”

Adam grinned. “I went for a walk.”

All of Paul’s misgivings and fear fled his mind, swept away by the magnitude of Adam’s efforts. “That’s great!”

Adam’s face shone. “I got as far as Belgrave Road and the Royal Hotel—at least, that’s what my phone told me—and then I turned around and walked back. I thought I’d walk down here and surprise you.”

Paul was on his feet in an instant. “Bloody hell, you did.” Without a moment’s hesitation he put his arms around Adam and kissed him on the mouth. “So proud of you,” he said in a low voice. Paul released him and stepped back, his grin probably as wide as Adam’s.

Adam beamed, not seeming the slightest bit embarrassed by Paul’s kiss. He glanced to his right and his smile faltered. “I’m sorry. Have I interrupted your lunch? I thought you’d be finished by now.”

“We have, Adam,” Taylor said. “We were just chatting.” He gave Paul a hard stare. “It was good to catch up. Let’s do it again soon, yeah?”

In other words,
this conversation isn’t over.

“Nice to see you again, Adam.”

Adam turned toward the sound of Mark’s voice. “Mark? Hairdresser Mark?”

“None other. I’d like to introduce you to my boyfriend, Sam.”

Sam rose to his feet and brought his hand to meet Adam’s extended one. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Adam arched his eyebrows. “All good, I hope.” He peered in Paul’s direction. “If you want to stay longer, that’s fine. I can find my own way home.” Another flash of that happy smile.

“No, I’ll come with you.” Paul gave a nod to the others. “I’ll see you all soon, okay?”

They said their goodbyes and Paul accompanied Adam out of the café. They walked slowly up the hill, Adam leading the way. Paul kept silent, his mind mulling over the conversation with his friends. That last question still echoed in his head.

‘Even if that would mean losing Adam?’

Paul didn’t want to think about that.

“Want to tell me why that felt like I’d walked into the middle of something important?” Adam’s voice drifted back to him.

“Excuse me?”

Adam stopped and turned, reaching out for the picket fence that lined the path. “There was an atmosphere down there.” His expression was neutral. “And please, don’t lie to me, not when all the hairs on my arms were standing on end and my flesh was covered in goosebumps. I trust my instincts.” He tilted his head to one side. “Well?”

Fuck
. “We were having a bit of a heart-to-heart, that’s all.” It was as far as Paul was prepared to go.

Adam stared at him for a moment before sighing. “Fine.” He resumed his walk up the hill, cane swinging in an arc. Paul followed with a heavy heart. Talking with the others hadn’t made things any clearer for him. If anything, he was more confused than before.

Now what do I do?

* * * * * *

“Was that the postman?” Adam called out, his fingers pausing over the keyboard of his laptop.

A moment later Paul entered the library where Adam was sitting on the couch, laptop balanced on his knee. “Yep.”

“Anything interesting? And by that I mean anything other than bills,” Adam remarked dryly.

“Yes, as a matter of fact.”

The smile he heard in Paul’s voice was intriguing. A rustle of paper, an envelope tearing, a barely suppressed squeal. “What have you got there?”

Paul sat beside him. “Late birthday presents for you.” He took hold of Adam’s hands and placed something cool and porcelain into them.

Adam examined it with his fingers. “You bought me a mug?”

“Not just any mug. Feel on top of the handle.”

Adam ran his thumb over it. There were three sets of ridges. “What are these?”

“They signify different levels in the mug. One bar is the lowest, then two, then three. When you pour in hot water, you put your thumb over the water level you want, and when the water reaches that level, a bell sounds. There are sensors in the mug. So now you can pour yourself a coffee, or make one using the kettle.”

Adam was touched. Something else to aid him in his quest for independence. “Thank you,” he said sincerely. “This is a brilliant idea.” He grinned. “You said presents. Is there something else?” He put the mug onto the seat cushion beside him.

Paul placed a plastic object into his hand. It was the general size and shape of a stapler. He brought Adam’s hand to Paul’s chest. “Blue,” a mechanical voice intoned. Next, he placed it against Adam’s chest. “Gray.”

Adam gaped. “It tells me what colour something is?”

“Uh huh. Now all you have to do is hold it to an item of clothing and it will tell you its colour.”

Adam dropped his hand to his lap. “Paul, these are amazing gifts.” He was stunned by Paul’s thoughtfulness.

“I just thought you’d find them useful,” Paul said, a shy edge to his voice that was sweet. “I was about to pour you some coffee. What are you doing?”

“Something you can help me with, actually. I saved some photos about a year ago of the last boat I crewed across the Atlantic. I was going to email them to Eric. I thought he might be interested.”

“That’s a nice idea.” Paul shifted closer. “Can’t you find them? Want me to have a look?”

“Please.” Adam handed over the laptop. “Look for a folder entitled Ron Berman. He’s the photographer who traveled with me. He was taking shots for a yachting magazine and asked to come along.” He rose to his feet, grabbing his new mug. “And while you’re looking, I’m going to try out my gift.”

Paul chuckled. “I wondered how long it would take you.”

Adam walked into the kitchen. After rinsing out the mug under the tap, he went over to the coffee machine. His thumb over the highest level, Adam poured out a full mug of black coffee until a bell sounded. He shook his head and grinned. “Paul, you’re amazing,” he murmured. He debated pouring Paul a mug, but decided against it. Keeping one hand free was the wisest option. “Did you find them?” he called out.

Silence. That was odd.

Adam came back through the hall into the library, carefully bearing his prize. As soon as he stepped foot into the room, he knew something was… off. Paul was silent. Adam could barely hear him breathing. The atmosphere had a familiar feel to it, reminiscent of when Paul had found…

Ah.

He sat down on the couch and placed the mug on the adjacent table. Adam leaned against the seat cushions and laced his fingers together in his lap. “I’m going to hazard a guess you found a folder entitled Leather. Am I correct?”

“Yes.” A tremor in his voice.

Okay. “Those photos were taken for a book Ron was writing about the leather and fetish culture in the US. Most of them were taken in San Francisco at the Dore Alley Fair and the Folsom Street Fair. That was when I first met Ron.” Adam paused, giving Paul time to absorb the images. He could only imagine the thoughts that were racing through Paul’s head right then.

“Wow. These are just… ”

Adam concentrated, trying to pick out the different emotions in Paul’s voice. There was a touch of awe, but what remained was a mix of longing and fear.
Fuck. I’d give anything to see his face right now.
The situation brought home to him how much he’d relied on body language in the past to ascertain a sub’s moods and needs.

Adam hated working in the dark.

“Do you miss the club?”

Paul’s question tugged Adam back into the present. He opened his mouth to reply in the negative, but something stopped him. This was Paul. Of all people, Adam could be honest with him.

“Yes, sometimes,” he said simply. “It was such a huge part of my life.”

“Tell me about it.” Adam didn’t miss the eager note in Paul’s voice.

Adam smiled. “What do you want to know? You’ve already seen what I used in the club, my fiendish devices, as it were.” He snickered and Paul joined him.

“Okay then, what were your top three things to do with a submissive?”

It was a reasonable enough question, Adam supposed, until he realized Paul had just handed him a gift, a light to show the way out of Adam’s present darkness. Adam’s heart pounded.

Think of it as a test. He reacts one way, and there’s no future for us. He reacts another, and there’s hope.

Adam mentally crossed his fingers and lied through his teeth.

“I always enjoyed a bit of CBT—that’s cock and ball torture to you—although I’m not sure my submissives got quite the same level of enjoyment out of it that I did.”

The hiss that followed told Adam all he needed to know.

“Using sounds was always a favourite. Watching a sub’s face when I let that sound slip all the way down into his dick.”

Paul sucked in air through his teeth. “Yow.”

Strike two.

Adam took a breath. “I guess my favorite activity was taking a flogger to a sub’s back.”

Paul drew in a deep breath and held it.

Bingo
.

“What… What does it feel like to flog someone?”

Adam wasn’t going to lie, not about this. “It feels amazing. Seeing him there, tied to my cross while I worked over the top of his back, shoulders, and arse. It could be anything from a gentle massage to something that tears him up.” He lifted his chin and stared in Paul’s direction. “But that’s not what you really wanted to know, is it? What
you
want to know is how it feels to be flogged.”

Paul’s breathing grew uneven. “Yes,” he whispered.

Shit. Fuck.

Adam reached across for his laptop on Paul’s knee, took it from him, closed it and placed it beside him on the couch. He swallowed hard and felt for Paul’s hand, curling his fingers around it. Paul’s hand was clammy.

“Paul,” he began, unwilling to say the words but knowing there was no other option. “I… I can’t do that. I can’t give you that, babe.” The endearment slipped out, unforced, natural.

“I know.” Paul sounded calm, composed. “It’s okay, honest. I do understand. You’d want to watch me, watch my reactions, make sure I was safe.”

Fuck, he really does get it.

“Yes.” Fuck, this hurt. Adam couldn’t ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach. What was eating away at him was the thought that what they had clearly wasn’t enough for Paul. He wanted to give Paul what he needed, but he couldn’t.

Could he?

“Paul, can I ask you to keep an open mind for a few minutes?” Adam thought fast.

“Uh, sure.” That note of wariness spoke louder than Paul’s words.

Adam sucked in a lungful of air and let it out slowly. “What if I was to bring someone else here, who could give you what you need? A friend?”

Paul withdrew his hand from Adam’s grasp. “Are you talking about a threesome?” The words were choked out.

“
Fuck
, no!” Adam hastened to reassure him. “Oh, God, I’d never ask you to do that.”

Paul breathed easier, his hand tentative on Adam’s thigh. Adam covered it with his own. “Then what are you talking about? What friend?”

“Seth is a Dom at the club where I was a member. He’s the only one of them who’s stayed in touch. He’s also proficient with floggers, whips, canes, anything like that.” Adam paused to let his words sink in. “If I asked him, Seth would come here to deliver a flogging. And that’s
all
he’d deliver,” Adam stressed. “He has a boy of his own at home and they don’t play with others, at least, not in the sexual sense.”

“I’m listening.”

Thank God for that.
“I’d be with you the whole time. I wouldn’t leave you for an instant. And if you want it to stop, it stops, just like that.”

“This Seth is an expert? Have you seen him work?”

“Yes to both questions. I wouldn’t ask him if I wasn’t completely sure about him.”

Paul’s breathing was more regular. “You… you really think he’d come here?”

Adam wasn’t going to divulge details of his phone conversation—there were some things Paul didn’t need to know. “Yes, I think so. The point is, do you want me to ask him?”

Adam held his breath. Just how important this was to Paul was about to be revealed.

Paul inhaled deeply. “Yes. Ask him, please.”

Well, fuck
.

Adam had an answer to his question. The only trouble was, it wasn’t the one he wanted.

“I’ll call him now.” Adam rose to his feet, his fingers brushing the top of Paul’s head. “You sure about this?” There was still time to change his mind.

Paul shuddered out a long breath. “Yeah, I’m sure. Thank you, Adam. I know you’d rather it was you, but…”

Adam couldn’t be in there a moment longer. “I’ll call him from the office.” He walked out of the room, his heart sinking with every step.

Well, at least I know now.

What future was there for them if Adam couldn’t give Paul what he desired?

None.

* * * * * *

Paul sagged back onto the couch.

I can’t believe I said that.

So many thoughts and emotions were at war within him. The idea of someone taking a flogger to his back filled him with a delicious ache and a rolling wave of anxiety, all at the same time. Not to mention a third party being involved. He was still amazed he’d said yes to Seth coming over. It was only because he trusted Adam implicitly that he’d agreed.

His stomach roiled.
There’s still time to change my mind.

Paul wasn’t about to do that.

I want Adam to be proud of me. I want him to see me as strong, unafraid. I need him to see I’m serious about this.

Serious—and absolutely fucking terrified.

“Seth says he can be here tomorrow morning before midday.” Adam entered the library, pocketing his phone.

“Tomorrow?” Fuck. It came out as a squeak. “Wow, that’s... soon,” he added unnecessarily. That was probably a good thing.
Get it over and done with, right?
Paul swallowed hard. “Okay. Good,” he said, doing his damnedest to sound confident. He got to his feet. “Well, now that’s decided, guess I’ll go and pour myself that coffee I mentioned a while ago.” He walked calmly past Adam into the hallway and to the kitchen.