Torn (16 page)

Lucas looked up. “Wait a minute. Get ready for what?”

“Jesse is training me today. We’re leaving soon and we won’t be back till dinner. So you two, uh, three, are on your own without the grace of my company for today.”

“I don’t like it,” Lucas said. “I don’t want you training without one of us there. It’s our job to watch over you.”

The harshness of his voice made me freeze in my tracks. I turned, slowly and gave him the once over before I allowed myself to respond, doing my best to keep the sarcasm at bay. “I don’t see what the problem is, Lucas. Jesse wants to train me today and then have you guys rotate days. He explained it, and
it’s
fine with me.”

“He
explained it
to you? Why didn’t he
explain it
to us? I thought I was taking you today. We were supposed to figure this out as a group. He doesn’t get to decide. You don’t have to go, Sam. You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

“Lucas, stop it.” I let Lucas hear the annoyance in my voice. “You brought me here because it was safer. You brought me here so we could get help with my training. This was your idea. This was your choice. Jesus. Make a decision and stick with it. I’m going. I’ll see you later.”

Unreasonably pissed off, I ran upstairs to grab my things. The house was pin-drop silent as I slung my backpack around my shoulders and walked out the front door. Jesse was waiting for me. I wasn’t in the mood for idle chitchat so I said, “Let’s go,” and walked down the drive.

The driveway was long. I hadn’t noticed the night before when we arrived or perhaps it only seemed longer now that I was on foot. About a half mile down, Jesse turned off onto a well-worn path that led us into the surrounding woods. The morning sun streamed through the branches and warmed me from the chill of daybreak. Birds in flight and squirrels joyfully digging for nuts seemed to be our only company. Hands in my pockets, I felt the familiarity of my iPod and thought about pulling it out before I quickly nixed the idea. Jesse, after all, didn’t know my quirks, and I didn’t want to insult him by tuning him out. But, then, all I wanted was to tune everyone and everything out of my head.

Damn indecisive Lucas.
Indecisive Ethan.
Indecisive me.
I knew I was being unreasonable but I really was too tired to care anymore. I took a long drink from my water bottle. It was another silent half hour before we changed course.

“Turn left at the stump. We’re almost where we need to be. Once we get there, we’ll rest before we begin, and you can ask me some of your questions.”

I quickened my pace, longing, suddenly for answers to questions I hadn’t even thought of. Could Jesse really give me straight answers? Could I finally voice the concerns that had plagued my brain over this past year? It would be easier to ask Jesse these things, as I’d so often been too concerned about Lucas and Ethan’s feelings that I’d nearly bitten off my tongue in the attempt to silence myself. When it came to the boys, I was
either uncharacteristically sheepish and
self-conscious or I’d become action oriented, only thinking of the consequences and repercussions after the fact. Again, I thought quickly of Ethan and, just as quickly, pushed him out of my head. The idea that I’d lost the ability to be considerate of the feelings of others had slowly risen in my mind like sunlight piercing through fog.

Samannnnnnthaaaa...

Sebastian’s familiar, taunting voice cut through the silence and rendered me paralyzed. My mind went blank save for the notion that I was not safe here and the realization that I may never be safe.
Anywhere.

Jesse noticed my sudden inability to move and scanned the woods. “Samantha. What’s wrong?”

“The voice.
It’s followed me here. It’s louder here too.
Closer than before.
It sounds like it’s mocking me.”

“I didn’t hear anything. Are you sure?”

Seriously uncalled-for fury rose in my belly. I glared at him with thinly veiled contempt.
Control, Sam.
“Sure? You aren’t seriously asking me if I am making this up, are you? You aren’t seriously questioning the sanity I, myself, have questioned over the past six months? If you are, you may as well walk the hell back to the house and leave me to deal with this. I no longer have the patience for piteous glances and furtive whispers behind my back from the people who are supposed to be helping me.”

I marched ahead in a huff. I was getting so good at those temper tantrums, tantrums that weren’t within my control. What the hell was the
matter
with me?

Clearly taken aback by my sudden outburst, Jesse tried to calm me. “I believe you, Sam. I believe you, I swear. This is neutral territory, so just relax, Sam. Slow your breathing. That’s it.”

As I looked at him, my consciousness detached from my body again. It was the most surreal feeling, and I still wasn’t used to it. When I settled outside myself, I noticed something was wrong. Jesse’s hands were outstretched defensively and he’d taken a few timid steps back.
Odd.
Why would he step away from me? I turned from him and came face to face with myself.

I gasped at the sight. My other self was a darker image than the last time. My eyes were blacker than coal and protruded out of my head, like some strange anime cartoon. A huge shadow seemed to emanate from within me. The tension in the air was palpable and pulsed, making the shadow appear oily and slick.

Calm down, Sam.
Control, Sam. What is wrong with you, Sam
?

I screamed silently at my other self as I tried to slow the boil of turbulence that was creeping up out of nowhere. I’d often been frightened of what I saw when I stepped outside myself but this was horrifying. It wasn’t just my eyes, or the air around me, or even my face. Everything about me had transformed. I was completely unrecognizable.

I looked from my other self to Jesse and saw that he was worried as well. No. Not worried, but determined. He had stopped backing away and looked as though he was actually getting ready for battle. I heard myself speak and was mortified at the words that forced their way out. “Look at you, cowering away from me.
Sword at the ready, old man?”

Oh my God! What the hell? What was happening to me? I needed somebody get me out of there!
Somebody to fix this.

I closed my eyes and tried to picture my life when it was still whole.
Before it had started to crumple.
Before my dad’s death.
I dug deep into my memory and pictured myself as a little girl. I was holding my dad’s hand and skipping as we laughed to some inside joke that I couldn’t quite remember. I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing. I just knew that I was happy.
Happy that my dad was there to hold my hand whenever I needed it.

Warmth began to spread over me and my hand closed around the phantom hand from my memory.
My dad.
He was there. And he was smiling.

With my father’s help, I calmed down and drifted back into myself. My newfound propensity for flying off the handle was getting out of control. Jesse wasn’t the enemy.

As quickly as it happened, it was over. I took a mental step back, leveling my gaze with Jesse’s. “Jesse?” I stuttered.

“Samantha?”

“I’m so sorry, Jesse. What’s happening to me?”

“Your father’s protection is ending. It’s almost gone.”

My eyes welled up with tears, and I shut them tight. Hands balled into fists, I repeated over and over in my head,
Daddy, please don’t go.

“I didn’t mean to upset you, Samantha. Apparently, your emotions aren’t within your control yet.”

I felt defeated. “I know,” I whispered. “Please. Can you tell me, what does it mean for me when you say the protection is fading?”

“The darkness is taking over. Somehow Sebastian has found a way of speaking through you. We need to figure this out before it gets worse, and he turns you away from the Faithful.”

“Tell me what to do. Please. I will do anything. Just help me. I feel like I am dying inside.” Tears rolled down my cheeks. “I don’t want this.”

Even with my arms wrapped around myself, I was powerless to stop the shaking. Those episodes were becoming more and more frequent. Relief from the malevolence that came along with them eluded me.

Apparently satisfied I was back to myself, but still
wary,
Jesse seemed as if trying to convince himself that some freakish out-of-body thing didn’t just happen. “They shouldn’t be able to come here,” he continued. “You’re supposed to be more protected here. We’ll have to keep vigilant at least until the others come.”

My brain froze.
For some reason that news shocked me.
“Others?
Who else is coming?”

“There are about ten of us that will be at the house, all told.
Including, of course, Ethan, Lucas, and yourself.
We’re all
coming
together to heighten your protection and amp up your training. It was just an idea. Now it seems it was a good one. I didn’t know darkness was so prominent within you. I didn’t know you’d be so easily manipulated. We’ll have to work on securing you emotionally, but you seem physically capable. In that respect, at least, I feel the training will be easy.”

I felt ashamed and embarrassed and tired. I was tired of fighting the rising evil within me. I could feel it all the time though I hadn’t been able to pinpoint what it was, exactly, that I’d been feeling. Now I knew it was darkness. The word
manipulated
looped in my head like a broken record. More and more I felt like I belonged anywhere but here.

“I’m not one of them, you know. I don’t belong with the Exiled. I’m here, with you, with the Faithful. I want to be of Light. I don’t want this shadow clinging to me anymore.”

“No, Sam. You’re not one of them but it’s still in you. It will always be in you. I remember your father having to fight against it when he came to the Faithful. It was hard for him. I fear it will be harder for you.”

I lifted my head. “You knew my father?”

Jesse made himself comfortable leaning against an old oak. “James? Yes. He and I were friends.”

“How come I never met you? I thought I knew all my father’s friends. I don’t remember ever meeting you. Then again, I thought I knew a lot more than I actually do. Everything I thought I knew just, well, isn’t.”

“We met once, when you were a baby. I was at the hospital when your mother died. She was an angel too, in case you were wondering.
And beautiful.
She was such a beautiful person, inside and out. Unfortunately, an Exiled attacked her in her sleep.”

Jesse paused. He seemed to be remembering back to when it all happened. Sadness veiled his face before he continued.

“When she died, your father almost lost it. He almost went back to the Exiled after that. It took a few of us to keep him calm enough to see reason. Then he saw you. And all trace of anger and darkness disappeared. He loved you instantly. You were everything and because of that, he kept us away from you.”

“But why?
Was he angry at you?”

“No, no.
Nothing like that.
He just wanted to keep the two worlds separate for as long as he could. He didn’t want you to find out about all this until you were ready.”

“I don’t understand how my father died if he was an angel. Lucas and Ethan tried to explain it but it still doesn’t make sense. Is there only one way for an angel to die?”

“In order for an angel to die, their wings must be removed and the sword of another angel must pierce their heart. Sebastian did just that. He attacked your father from behind, stripped him of his wings and stabbed him in his heart.”

I closed my eyes against the grisly images that infiltrated my brain.
Sebastian, the angel that had killed my grandfather.
“And this
Sebastian,
is the leader of the Exiled?”

“Sebastian is temptation. He is the devil on your shoulder, if you will. If Lucifer was the snake, then Sebastian was the apple. His darkness gets inside and eats away all hope, all faith, all love. His main purpose is to bring as many as he can into the depths of despair, humans and Faithful alike. He is smooth and takes the form of whatever pleases the eye of his target. He looks different to all who see him. In reality, he is a demon angel, one that will never be forgiven. His sins are too great and the pleasure he takes from the pain of others is sickening. He will force you to fall in love with him then stab you between the eyes.”

What would Sebastian look like when I saw him? For some reason, it seemed certain that I would, before too long, come face to face with my father’s murderer. “Lucas said the Exiled shouldn’t have been able to come to me when we were at the cabin but they were there. And now they’re here, too. I still can’t figure out who or whatever the hell ‘they’ are. Dark Angels, Exiled, Boogey Men...I don’t care. I only know they’ve come back. They’ve found me again. I thought I would be safe here. How do they even know where I am? How is it that they can find me so easily?”

“Today is the day they’ve been waiting for. Your father can no longer shield you from them. I don’t know why they were able to find you before today, though.”

“Am I safe?”

“You
are
safe here. Though it’s highly unusual for them to seek you out here, with us around you, it’s not improbable. I don’t know how they’ve managed to find you so quickly. Your father’s protection should’ve been able to protect you more than this. Until we figure that out, we’ll have to be careful. We’ll have to keep you safe. It is our fate just as it’s yours.”