Torn (13 page)

He reached across the table to touch my cheek and I pulled away. He frowned. “I don’t know. You look worried. Pale. Different.”

Shit.
“Really?
Probably just ran too hard. Trying to amp up the training, ya know?”

Great.
Now I added liar to the list of grievances against me. I tried to remain calm as I filled my mouth with cereal, hoping I didn’t have to say much more.

“Yeah.
I know. Listen, Sam. I want to apologize for my behavior yesterday. I was scared. I took most of it out on Ethan. I actually need to talk to him, to square things out. When he wakes up, could you tell him I need to talk to him when I get back?”

“Sure, but where’re you going?”

“I’m going into town. Gonna fill the Jeep up with gas and get it ready. We’re leaving today.”

“Oh. Where’re we going?”

“New England.
Look, are you sure you’re okay? Something feels, I don’t know, off, I guess.”

Before I fumbled through another non-answer, the lights came on and Ethan walked into the room. A familiar fire kindled in my belly. He just stood there staring at the two of us with a weird look on his face but it disappeared before I could define it.

“Good morning, Sam. Lucas,” he said casually as he crossed the kitchen to the coffee maker and began pouring himself a cup of coffee.

I could feel myself heating up. I stole a glance at Ethan and my mind flashed back to last night.
Holy Jesus
, I thought as I pictured skin and sweat and...Stop it, Samantha. Just leave it. I shook my head to chase away the images.

I couldn’t see his face because his back was to me but I swore Ethan was smiling.

Are you okay, Sam
?

Lucas greeted him, “Good morning.”

Yeah.
You
?

Yup.

I began to choke on my cereal and he chuckled out loud.

I think Lucas knows.

“Ethan, listen. I want to apologize for yesterday. I was out of line.”

He doesn’t know anything, Sam.

Looking over his mug of coffee, Ethan replied, “Don’t worry about it. You were worried. We were both worried. No harm, no foul.”

How do you know
?

Lucas walked over to Ethan. “I was just telling Sam I was going to go and get the Jeep ready. We should leave today.”

I blocked him. He doesn’t know.

More confused than ever, but knowing I couldn’t show it, I bent my head over my bowl of cereal and shoveled Multi-grain Cheerios into my mouth. A weird feeling surged through my body and I had to force myself to remain seated. Why did I have a terrible and sudden urge to hurt Lucas? I had a desire to tell him what I’d done and watch the pain fill his eyes. I slowly began to stand.

Ethan’s eyes pierced mine.
Don’t, Sam
.
Sit down.

“I agree. I’ve already let them know we’re coming. You get our transportation ready. I can pack us both up. I’ll have Sam pack her things. We should be ready to go by mid-afternoon.”

“Good. Look, Ethan...”

Ethan responded with a bit more snap in his tone than necessary. “I said, don’t worry about it. We wouldn’t be
brothers
if we didn’t disagree every now and then. Now go. Get things ready on your end. I’ll pack up here.” I wasn’t sure if I was the only one who heard the hint of sarcasm in Ethan’s voice when he said ‘brothers’ but they hugged anyway and Lucas left.

It was just me and Ethan in the cabin now. I couldn’t see Ethan’s face since he’d turned back toward the window and it troubled me. I sat there and stared at the wall, stunned by the thought that I would want to hurt Lucas that way. I didn’t even want to think about it.

“Ethan?”

“Yeah?”

“What did you mean, you ‘blocked him’?”

“You know how you and I can communicate without talking? Well, you can do that with him, too. You may not know it or you may not have had the need to do so before, but you can. As can I. So I blocked that moment from him. You and I can ‘speak’ of it but he can neither hear us nor can he see what we remember. It’s best that way.”

“Best for him?
Or us?”

Sighing, Ethan’s shoulders slumped as he replied. “I’m not sure, Sam.”

Don’t do this, Ethan.

He took a few cocky steps toward me. He looked at me as though this was all just a game.

Don’t do what, Sam
?

Did he regret it? Did he not feel what I felt? I was barely able to contain myself. I felt possessed, barely able to keep myself from walking over to him and touching him. Had he already brushed me off?
Oh my God
. I looked at him.
You will not walk away from what happened, Ethan.
Mortified at the thoughts that had taken over my
brain,
I brought my bowl to the sink and rinsed it out. I stiffened as his thoughts intruded on mine.

Oh, Sam. I’m not walking away. I can’t.

Crap.
He could hear every insane thought I had.
Every raw, naked, perverse idea that invaded my mind.
Ugh.
Since when had I become such a sex freak?

With a smirk he said, “I can’t hear everything. But I did hear that.”

Stunned, I dropped the bowl and it shattered in the sink.
Damn.
A shard of porcelain was sticking out of my knuckle. I fought to keep my balance as my knees decided they no longer wanted to support me. Ethan held my wrist, pulled out the shard and kissed the puncture mark. Heat, once again, flowed through my veins and I was dizzy with lust. I could feel him fighting the urge to kiss me. I could hear his thoughts filled with memories of last night. I suddenly felt like I was attached to strings, like some wicked marionette puppet, as I moved closer.

“Look, Sam, I don’t know if we should...I mean I was just trying to train you and all. I didn’t know it’d get so heavy.”

“You’ve opened the door, Ethan. Don’t close it now.” I felt like I was watching myself and I felt my heart contract. “Ethan, is this real?”

“I don’t know, Samantha. I really don’t know.”

“But I heard you...”

“You heard Lucas. Last night was a mistake. It had to be. We aren’t supposed to be together. It will never work.”

His words pierced my stomach with fire. “How can you say that?” I never would have allowed anything to happen if I didn’t think it was supposed to be. “So what was last night? After all this time you spent avoiding me, what was last night, Ethan?”

“Last night? We kissed. That’s all.
And what about you, Sam?
How about the way you’ve pined after Lucas since any of us can remember? Like a silly little girl following a puppy. What made you change your mind? Was I some random afterthought? You couldn’t get Lucas to notice you so you settled with me?”

The sting of my palm across his face echoed in the now silent kitchen. His eyes, downcast, refused to meet mine. I could see the print of my hand glowing red on the side of his cheek like a painful rash. Anger boiled inside of me and violated every inch of me. I wanted to scream at him, hit him,
punch
him. None of that would do any good.

“Screw you, Ethan.”

I stormed out of the kitchen and pounded up the stairs to my room. How could he be so two-faced? Ten minutes ago he was making jokes and kissing my wounds. Two minutes ago he ripped out what was left of my heart. And there was nothing I could do other than cry myself numb.

CHAPTER 12

Everything moved quickly after that. I was in my room packing when Lucas came home. He and Ethan began loading up the car. My skin was still humming with anger from my little episode with Ethan earlier, and I moved through my room quickly, trying not to forget anything important. All I was allowed to bring was what would fit into my oversized duffle.

New England.
I had to pack for cold weather. I pouted a bit at the thought.
Sometimes I really missed Florida.
My bag, now stuffed with sweatshirts and pants and long sleeve t-shirts, was almost ready to bring downstairs. I picked up the emerald jewelry pouch that contained my mom’s pendant off the nightstand. After a quick look inside, I resisted the urge to take it out and wear it. Instead, I shoved it into the pocket of a pair of folded jeans that I then crammed into my duffle. I zipped up the bag and called down to the boys that I was ready to go. I grabbed my sweatshirt, put it on, and threw my iPod into the front pocket. Slipping my cell phone into the back pocket of my jeans, I made my way out to the car.

Ethan decided to drive the first part of the trip. Not that I cared because I couldn’t even look at him without wanting to scratch his eyes out. I did my best to make myself comfortable in the backseat. As Lucas walked out of the house and made his way to the Jeep, he stopped suddenly, looking into the woods. When he finally climbed into the passenger’s seat, he told us we needed to go.
Now.

The trip was pretty uneventful with Lucas and Ethan arguing over who would pick the radio station. After listening to them debate about which band actually started the Grunge movement for what seemed like eternity, I laid down across the backseat. Turning on my iPod, I closed my eyes to Jack Johnson and attempted to let go of all the confusing stuff that had happened over the previous twenty-four hours.

My mind was restless, however. On one hand, I was still shaken by the conversation with Ethan that morning. What was wrong with him? My head was buzzing with all the nasty things I wanted to say to him. My stomach turned when I thought about his reaction. How could he be so callous? How could he be such an ass? I felt as if I had been used and discarded. But then again, I couldn’t help the hormonal reaction I got when I thought of the night before.
Though it wasn’t like we
did
it.
He stopped before we had the chance. He stopped because of me.

I was going insane with confusion but I couldn’t let on with Lucas there. He couldn’t know what had happened. He could never know. Not like it was gonna happen again, that was for sure. I couldn’t believe I let Ethan kiss me, touch me. Just thinking about it made me feel like I needed a shower. I’d never felt more stupid. And the longer I focused on that discussion in the kitchen, the more I felt rage building inside me. And the more my skin buzzed with anxiety.

On the other hand, I kept thinking back to what happened the night before last when I threw myself at Ethan. Whatever that was, I was certain it wasn’t me. I mean it was me, as in I was there. It just wasn’t my personality. I was never forward and I would never in a million years be bold enough to proposition him like that. Hell, a week before, I did all I could to avoid the charged tension between us, as did he. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I was hypnotized or something. I just didn’t know what had come over me. Whatever it was, I couldn’t regret what happened—despite its abrupt ending this morning.

I was the one who came on to Ethan, the one who made the first move. But my behavior was so out of character, I swore I had been watching myself on TV. I couldn’t even look at Ethan now without blushing.

Jeez, Sam, you really stepped in it.
I’d spent all those years pining after Ethan and he had given me no reason to think he felt anything back until that night—and then I ruined it. What the hell had happened to my eyes anyway?

If Lucas knew, he’d never forgive me. Even though his behavior had always leaned toward distant brotherly affection, I knew in my heart he’d be devastated. My skin prickled when I thought of the moment I almost told him. I’d actually
wanted
to be hurtful.

All I could think about in that moment was striking a blow, and I knew, somehow, that would be the uppercut that knocked him out.
Since when had I become so heartless
?
I was torn between feeling bitter betrayal and the hungry greed I still felt for Ethan, the physical and heartfelt amazement at what we’d shared, and the feeling of abandonment when he rejected me. Either way, someone was going to get hurt. I had a feeling it wouldn’t just be me. I scrunched my eyes tight and tried to expunge the backstabbing visions from my mind.

On top of everything else was my confusion over the whole telepathy thing. How had I picked that up so fast? Is that why I’d always felt like we could finish each other’s sentences? Was it because we really could? Or did I just pick it up that night because there were emotions involved?

I had no answers.

Ethan was no help either. I hadn’t communicated anything with him other than tense one-word utterances since we’d started our trip. Maybe he’d blocked me as well. The thought made me feel slighted and defensive.
Who was he to block me
?
Who was he to ignore what happened
?
Maybe I could figure out on my own how to block him right back.

That thought also deserved to be dumped in the trash. Why did I suddenly feel like I was back in elementary school? Jeez.
Obsessive much?
But he certainly didn’t forget last night. He more than showed how good his memory was this morning. Too bad he remembered it as a mistake.
Stop this, Sam. This isn’t you
!
Just leave it.
New place.
New behavior.
Ugh.

I clung to the hope that maybe he’d change his mind. Maybe I should’ve been institutionalized for flip-flopping between disgust and anxiety. Maybe he did me a favor. Why would I want to be with someone like that, anyway?

And what the hell was that whole mess with him saying he was a consolation prize? Then again, maybe he was right. Maybe I was nothing but a user. Maybe I was the one who hurt him. A bit sad at the thought, I switched to a new playlist. The first song reminded me to break free from the thoughts that clouded my head.
Oh, you have no idea.
I pulled my pillow from the seat next to me, fluffed it up under my head, and willed myself to sleep.
Anything to shut down my brain.
At that point, I was beginning to think I was going crazy.