She waited, telling herself to calm down and not panic about the pause that followed. Whatever he was going to say, it had to be said. She’d just have to suck it up like the big girl she’d told him she was. Only she was fucking terrified that her heart might stop beating if he told her that kiss had been a mistake.
“I’m sorry.”
That was it. Two words. Jordyn swallowed and held her tongue, praying he wasn’t apologizing for kissing her.
He shot her a sideways glance, sighed when she didn’t respond. “I shouldn’t have done it.”
Oh, shit.
Her stomach plummeted like an anvil. Reeling from the impact, not knowing how she was going to handle it, she didn’t say a word.
“We were both emotional that night and I shouldn’t have touched you like that. I wasn’t thinking straight. I felt like such a shit afterward and then I didn’t know what to do to fix it, so I thought it was best if I…left.”
My God, he not only regretted kissing her, it had made him feel like shit for doing it. She took a deep breath, willed her heart to keep beating as the tiny, stubborn flame of hope burning there was brutally snuffed out. The pain was far worse than she’d thought it would be, considering she’d been bracing for this. It felt like she was bleeding on the inside. “Okay,” she answered slowly, surprised her voice was working. “Why?”
He frowned. “Why what?”
“Why would it make you feel like shit?” Hadn’t it been obvious that she’d wanted him to kiss her? That she’d been dying for it and had been for
years
?
“Uh, because it was
wrong
of me,” he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and he couldn’t understand why she didn’t see it too. “I crossed the line and it wrecked our friendship. I’m sorry for that. I want to fix it, get back to the way we used to be.”
Back to when she was just Jamie’s little sister to him, he meant.
The realization made her throat ache with grief. She quickly looked away from him, afraid he’d see the devastation in her eyes. Shock and disbelief slid through her, numbing and cold. She’d been in love with him for so long and he’d never realized it, not even after that kiss or the e-mails she’d sent him. How could he not have known? Or had he just not wanted to? Worse, he felt nothing for her aside from affection and friendship. How was she supposed to deal with that?
“Hey, you gonna say anything?” he prompted with a nervous laugh, glancing over at her. “I’m kinda out on a limb here all by myself.”
Out on a limb was better than having your heart smashed to pieces by the person you loved. “What do you want me to say?” she managed, her voice hoarse. Driving with him was a mistake. Now she had to endure the rest of the trip while trying to smother her grief.
“Just say you forgive me and that we can fix it. I already lost Jamie. I don’t want to lose you too.” His tone was quiet and sincere, and she knew as a man of few words that the admission hadn’t been easy for him.
But I can’t be just your friend
, she wanted to shout at him, battling the pressure of tears at the back of her throat. She couldn’t just turn her feelings on and off like a fucking faucet, even for him. “I just—I need some time,” she made herself say. Time to recover from this blow, and more time to let the idea of him go. God, how did she even go about that? She wasn’t sure if she could ever go back to the way things used to be. There was no way she could hide all the longing and hurt inside her forever, and she shouldn’t have to.
He looked away from her, focusing back on the road as he merged onto the freeway that would take them to Maryland. His mouth thinned. “Okay. I understand.”
No, you fucking
don’t
understand
.
She turned her head to stare blindly out her window and blinked fast, locking everything inside until she was alone later. God, she would not cry in front of him. That would be the ultimate humiliation on top of everything else. Why the hell had she agreed to such a long drive with him? Just because he’d thrown down the equivalent of a dare and she hadn’t been able to let it slide? She’d always been too impetuous.
“I really am sorry, Jord.”
Yeah, she got that. Far too fucking well. She forced a nod.
He reached over and nudged her thigh with his hand, oblivious to her internal suffering. “You don’t hate me, right?”
She swallowed again. “No, I don’t hate you.” She could never hate him.
Although it would be a hell of a lot easier for her to move on if she could.
When Blake made the final turn onto the quiet residential street leading to the safe house he shared with Hunter and Dunphy, he had to hold back a sigh of relief. His apology, lame though it was, hadn’t gone over nearly as well as he’d hoped.
In between little stretches of conversation about the job Tom had in mind, Jordyn had been uncharacteristically quiet and withdrawn, and that had made for a long-ass drive back to Baltimore. He hated feeling off center with her, when they’d always been so comfortable with each other in the past. He was at a complete loss as to how to make it better.
You are
such
a
shit!
“Wait, I thought you were going to drop me off at hotel?” Jordyn said.
“You’re not staying at a hotel, Jord.” Not when his safe house was a much more secure location for her. “There’ve been a few security concerns with the team lately, so to play it safe for the time being you’re better off here with me and our team leader, Hunter.” He wanted her near him, just in case.
She eyed him, half turning in her seat. “What kind of security concerns?”
“Can’t tell you most of it, but I’m sure you’ve seen the news lately.” She was smart enough to piece the rest together.
Her eyes widened. “You mean the bombing at the house in Baltimore a week or so ago? Was that one of your guys who was injured?”
“Gage, our 2IC. And he’s fine.” And Blake wasn’t going to mention the recent attack on Zahra and Dunphy, either. Once again his conscience was needling him about bringing her into what could be a dangerous situation. Yeah, she was good and yeah, she would be an asset to the team. Could he live with himself if she got the job and her life was endangered because of it? Because he’d suggested her in the first place? The closer they’d come to the safe house, the stronger that worry had become. However fucked up they were, he had damn intense feelings for Jordyn and he would die before he let anything happen to her.
“Were you there when it happened?” Concern laced her every word.
“Yeah, but we’ve all been moved to new locations just in case. Tom or Hunt will brief you fully if he hires you. For now, you’re staying with me.” He’d sleep easier knowing she was under the same roof as him. While she was here, he was going to make damn sure he watched out for her. If she was offered the job and took it…he’d deal with the rest then.
“Nice of you to mention this now that we’re here,” she muttered wryly. “I only brought one weapon with me.”
He shot her a pointed, sideways glance. Did she seriously think he’d let anything happen to her? “If you’re with me, you won’t need one.”
“Okay, true enough,” she said with a little smile. “But you know I can take care of myself.”
Ordinarily he’d agree wholeheartedly with that, since he’d seen her handle weapons more times than he could count and knew she was a deadly shot. But she had no idea about the kind of threats they faced from the TTP cell Hassani was using as his personal hit squad, and that weighed heavy on him. Though he wanted to tell her everything, he couldn’t.
If Tom hadn’t assured him the job he wanted to offer Jordyn was strictly as support and maintenance, Blake would never have agreed to recruit her. Being attached to the team in any capacity was dangerous enough. He felt responsible for her safety, and not just because of his ties to her family.
“Why’d you recommend me to Tom for this job, anyway?” she asked as he pulled into the driveway of the two-story beige stucco house.
“He wanted someone in the area, someone we trusted and could work with, one with your qualifications and service record.” She was the first person he’d thought of.
She looked away to stare out her window as he killed the engine. “I’m glad you trust me that much.”
He frowned. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Of course he trusted her. “Come on. Let’s get you squared away.”
He found Hunter at the kitchen table working on his laptop. Hunt stood when he saw Jordyn, and Blake caught the flash of surprise on the man’s hard face. “This is Jordyn Bridger. She’s interviewing with Tom in the morning. Jordyn, Hunter Phillips, our team leader.”
Hunter stuck out his hand and shook Jordyn’s. “Nice to meet you.”
“You too,” she answered, withdrawing her hand to run her fingers through her short cap of hair. “Sorry about just showing up here like this. Blake kind of sprung that on me at the last second.”
“No problem.” Hunter turned his light brown gaze on Blake, clear amusement there. “Okay, now I get it.”
“Get what?” Jordyn asked with a frown, glancing back and forth between them
“Nothing,” Blake answered, and grabbed her duffel. “You can take my room upstairs.” He turned and walked out of the kitchen before either of them could say anything else.
With every step he was aware of Jordyn behind him. As he turned to hit the stairs, the fresh clean scent of whatever it was she used on her hair and skin teased his nostrils. In his room he set her bag down on the queen size bed and turned to face her. “Connecting bathroom’s through there,” he said lamely as he pointed, aware that she could see that for herself.
She stood in the doorway taking in the room and for some reason the space between them grew thick with tension. Given the opportunity to stare at her while her gaze was focused elsewhere, he couldn’t help himself. With her profile to him he could see the sweep of her long, thick lashes and the strong line of her jaw. The thin black sweater she wore hugged the small but enticing curves of her breasts and those snug jeans made her legs look a mile long. Legs he’d imagined wrapped around his back or shoulders way too often in his fantasies.
She turned those frank, deep blue eyes on him and he felt the impact ricochet in his chest. “So where are you sleeping?”
Unbidden, an image of them tangled together naked in his sheets popped into his head. He blocked it with ruthless control and shoved the picture back into the forbidden box it had come from. “Dunphy’s room. He won’t be back until Sunday night.”
“I can take his room.”
“Naw, it’s fine.” The truth was, he liked the idea of her in his bed. Something primal in him wanted her there, surrounded by his scent on the sheets. She was still far too distant and he couldn’t shake the fear that he’d permanently ruined things.
He was searching for something to say, something that would begin healing the damage he’d done to their relationship, when his cell buzzed in the back pocket of his jeans. Pulling it out, he saw the text from Tom. “Your interview’s at oh-seven-hundred tomorrow.” His boss seemed pretty eager to interview her. Blake didn’t blame him—Jordyn had one hell of a resume.
“Sure, that’s fine.”
He typed back a response to Tom, then put the phone away and stuck his hands in his back pockets. Jordyn hadn’t moved from the doorway, as if she didn’t want to get too close to him. Seeing her there, so close but too far away to touch only reminded him of that crazy, white-hot kiss they’d shared. He remembered it vividly, every last detail.
But the fact was, he couldn’t have taken things further that night, not without losing her. The irony was, it looked like he’d lost her anyway.
“Need anything?” he made himself ask. Did she think about that night all the time too? Wish it had ended with him deep inside her, then waking up the next morning with his arms around her?
She shook her head. “No, I’m all set. Thanks.”
He’d give her some space then. “Okay. Sleep well. I’ll drive you to the interview in the morning.”
“All right. G’night.”
“G’night.” He stepped out into the hallway and shut the door behind him.
They just needed time, he decided, remembering her earlier words to him. Once they adjusted to being around each other again, things would go back to normal. Hoping that was true, he headed downstairs. When he came back into the kitchen, Hunter was still working on the laptop. “Anything important come up while I was gone today?”
“Just some more surveillance on a couple more suspected cell members. Evers and I did some recon this afternoon. Alex has been busy dealing with the Amir situation. Guy’s given up what little he knows already. Doubt we’ll get anything more useful out of him.” Hunter sat back and stretched his arms above his head before folding them across his chest and regarding him with keen eyes. “So. About Jordyn. Anything I need to know?”
He’d known this was coming. “I’ve known her family a long time. Her brother and I served together, we were really close. He died seven months ago on an anti-piracy contract job in Somalia.”
“Sorry.”
Blake nodded. Missing a fallen buddy never went away; it was only the ache that dulled over time. “Jordyn’s good. Almost as good with a rifle as me, and way better with mechanics than anyone I know. Most of her family’s served with the Corps and her dad was a gunny sergeant stationed out at Pendleton for more than a decade. He was tough on her growing up, expected the same discipline from her as her brother. She’s solid and a hard worker with a good skill set.”
Hunter absorbed all that with a single nod. “And in a tight spot, would you want her guarding your back?”
“Absolutely.” He said it without hesitation and Hunter nodded again.
A small smile. “Can’t wait to find out more about her.”
“She’s a real team player. You’ll like her.” It would be hard not to. Jordyn was easily the most interesting person he’d ever known, as well as one of the most talented. Not many women could take down a bull elk with one shot at five hundred yards or build a custom hotrod from the wheels up, let alone hold their own with a bunch of hard-headed, foul-mouthed Marines.