THIS Is Me... (33 page)

  Whoooosh.
  Nothing moves.  No one moves.  There is no sound.  There is no breath in the room.
  “What do you mean?”  Z begs in a whisper, as Mack squeezes my hand a little too hard.
  “I'm sorry, but I really don't know yet what happened.  Two weeks ago your exam was fine.  Good even.  The heartbeat was strong, and the baby measured just slightly big but otherwise, everything was progressing as it should.  Sometimes there is no medical reason for this, and sometimes we find out after the fact that there was a medical reason for these things happening.  I'm very sorry Suzanne, but the baby has died.”
  Turning my head quickly to the monitor I see a flat line and nothing else.  The color has faded to grey, and the movement on the screen is static.  There is nothing in this moment but death.
  And I've got nothing.  I really hope this is shock again, otherwise, I just died too.  Is that
my
flat line on the monitor?
  Looking, I see Mack talking quietly to Z.  What's he saying?  What's happening?  What does this mean for Z?
  Oh GOD, Z! 
FLINCH!
  “Z, I'm so sorry.  I didn't do this on purpose, I swear.  Please don't hate me!  Please!  Um, I did everything I was supposed to do.  Ask Mack.  I did!”
  “Suzanne-”
  “Mack tell him!  I did, Z.  I took the vitamins, and I ate the food, and I took the medication, and I adapted all my Physio to the pregnancy.  I swear I did everything right for you!”
 

  Z is still so lifeless while just staring at me in silence.  Shit!  Does he think I did this on purpose?  I didn't!  I really didn't do this on purpose.
  Begging, “Please believe me.  I wanted to give this to you.  I did!  I didn't want it, but I wanted YOU to have it, and I tried so hard to do everything right.  I swear!  Please Z, please don't be mad at me. 
I didn't do this!”
  When Dr. Cobb starts trying to explain the significance and the possibilities of the dead baby I don't want to hear her.  I can't listen to this.  I want to talk to Z.  I want him to understand that I didn't do this on purpose to him.  I wanted him to have this baby, I really did. I would never hurt him on purpose.
  Interrupting Dr. Cobb and Mack, I moan, “Z, I promise I wanted to give this to you.  After I stopped hating this, I realized I wanted you to have it, so you had
something
good from me.  You wanted this, and I DID want to give it to you.  I really did.  I'm so sorry.  I tried so hard to give this to you.  I wanted you to have this, I really did.  Please believe me.”
  “I believe you, Suzanne.  Mack told me you hated the baby but you wanted me to have it-”
  “I didn't
hate
it, I just didn't want
it.  That's different.”
  “Whatever, Suzanne,” he shakes his head sadly.
  “NO!  Not
whatever!
  Listen to me, Z. I didn't hate it, I just didn't love it.  I wanted it to go away at first, but since I couldn't make it go away, I really wanted you to have it.  So I was good for you.” Sobbing, I can barely breathe but Z is just so still.  “I was good so you would have this.  I promise Z.  I really was...” 
  Oh GOD!  This pain is just ripping through me.  I'm desperate for him to understand.  “It was always for you.  This time I did everything right.  Ask Mack!  I did!  It was for you to have.  I wanted you to have the baby so you had something to love, I swear.  Since we couldn't love each other, I wanted you to have love with your baby.” 

  Closing my eyes, I'm beyond desperate as the sobs wrack my body.

  This is the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life.  This sadness is oppressive in its strength.  Everything hurts.  I can’t believe the depth of the despair I feel.  This feeling is so powerful, there’s nothing left of me that doesn’t ache with the intensity of this despair for Z.

  When I feel strong arms wrap me up tightly I pray for Z's arms, but I know it's Mack holding me tight. I thought for just a moment Z might hug me and believe me and make this all better for us, but Z hasn't moved and Mack is holding me so tightly I'm stuck.
  “What happens now?”  Z asks in the darkest voice I've ever heard.
  “Generally, since the baby is 37 weeks, we can induce the mother into a vaginal birth with medication, which some women prefer so they have a sense of closure.  Or we can schedule a C-Section to remove the baby at once.  What do you want to do?” Dr. Cobb asks me gently as I pull away from Mack.
  “Schedule a C-Section,” Z says abruptly.  “Suzanne didn't want this from the beginning, so I doubt a vaginal birth will give her any kind of closure.”  Wait!  “Can you do this quickly though.  I'd like to bury my son.”
  And there it is.  His son.  Little 'Glass of' was going to be Z's son.  THIS I feel. 
THIS
is unbearable for Z.  Oh
god...

  “I'm so sorry, Z,” I whisper through my agony.
  “Suzanne, are you okay?” Mack leans in close to ask me.
  Shaking and barely breathing, I beg.  “Z!  Please look at me.  I'm really, very sorry for your loss.”
  “Suzanne.  You too have suffered a loss,” Mack prompts.
  “I'm sorry, Z.  I never wanted this loss for you, I promise.”  Crying openly, I can only beg his forgiveness.  “Please don't be mad at me, Z.  I didn't do this to hurt you.  I wanted you to have this baby.  I did.  I wanted you to have it to love.  Please forgive me.”
  Sobbing, I can't even pretend anymore.  There is no tie left between us.  We are broken completely.  There is just nothing left between us.  We are done.  We have flat lined...

  Z is still so quiet, I don't know if he can even walk or speak anymore.  His son died and his son is lying dead inside me, and if I could make him alive for Z, I would.
  “Dr. Cobb can you get Z's baby out of me right now?  Can you?  I really want Z to have him now.  Please?”
  “Suzanne, I'll schedule the Cesarean for the first available-”
  “No!  I don't want to wait.  Z needs him.  Can you get him out of me now?  Pretend it's an emergency birth and cut him out of me or something.  Dr. Cobb, please give Z his son,” I beg.
  “Suzanne, we'll get the baby out as soon as possible.”
  “Mack!  Can you do it?  You're a doctor.  Can you get him out for Z?  He needs his son.  He needs to hold him and love him.  Mack!  Hurry up! 
Please...
”
  “Suzanne… don't do this,” Mack moans.
  “Oh,
god...
I'm sorry Z.  Here!  Get him out.”  When Z turns to me, his expression looks like a mix of agony and disgust.  “Z, do it!  It's okay.  Cut him out of me so you can have him. I won't feel it.  I'm okay.  But you're not.  Oh god... Get him out Z, so you can hold him.”  I feel so desperate and devastated by this tragedy for him.  “Z!  Just cut me open and take your baby...” I moan.
  “Suzanne!  STOP!”
  “Mack, I'm fine.  This is about Z, not me.  Look, I'll be fine!  I just want him out so Z can have him!  PLEASE!  Cut me open!  Please get this baby OUT OF ME!”
  When Z suddenly lunges at me, I open up my body for his abuse.  When he grabs my upper arms hard, I don't fight him.  Submitting, I close my eyes and take it all.  As Z yells in my face, I take his rage into my body.  I deserve all of his hatred.  I deserve anything he wants to do to me.
  “FUCK, SUZANNE!!  Can't you handle anything sanely, for fucking once?!  Don't lose it right now, PLEASE!  I'm begging you to stay sane, just this once.  For ME!  I can't handle watching you freak out AND deal with this death too. Just stay sane- for ME- just ONCE!”
  Exhaling slowly, I know I can do this for Z. 
  Nodding, I give in.  “Okay, Z.  Do anything you want.  I'll stay sane.  I'm sorry to have upset you.  I was just trying to give him to you so you had some love from me.  That way we both wouldn't be sad and lonely forever.”
  When Z jumps away from me grabbing hard at his hair, he actually swears and growls out loud in the silence of the room.
  Walking toward the door Z shouts, “Mack, take care of her!  I've got to leave before I say something unforgivable.”
  Oh, god.  Don’t leave me! 

  Screaming to his back I beg, “I'm so sorry Z.  I didn't do this on propose.  Please don't hate me!”
  Turning toward me quickly, “Oh Christ... Shut UP, Suzanne!  I know you didn't do this on purpose, alright?!  I know you tried and I DON'T hate you.  I'm just heartbroken, okay?  This isn't about YOU for once.  It's about ME.  I'M heartbroken over MY dead son!  A son YOU didn't want.  So just stop.  I have to go, and I hope you're okay.  You have Mack to help you, and I have NOTHING anymore.  So please stop all your shit for once.  This is MY pain, not yours...”  And running for the door, he throws it open until it slams against the wall behind him.
  Shaking, the upset in the room is so tangible I can see it.  There is a grey darkness engulfing the room.  Mack has gone running after Z as Dr. Cobb suddenly reaches for me.  Slapping her hands away, I close my eyes, and place my hands on my stomach.  Lying in the pose of death, I think of Z's little boy.
  I wonder what he looked like.  I wonder if he was going to be tall like his daddy, or dark like his daddy, or kind and beautiful like his daddy.  I wonder if he would have been funny AND intense like his daddy, or if he would have been quiet and self-possessed.  I wonder if he would have liked his name.  Little 'Glass of'- Z's beautiful boy.
 

  “I'm sorry little baby that I couldn't love you enough to keep you alive.  Your daddy would have, and I'm so sorry I didn't let him.  Oh, god... I'm so sorry little boy.”
 

  Crying for Z's beautiful baby boy, I let the pain of Z's tragedy suffocate me into a numbing darkness while I wait for this nightmare to end.  I wish I could cut him out of my body.  I wish I could carve out this agony from my body.  I wish I could cut myself to release this sorrow for Z.

  In this moment of absolute agony, I wish the flat line was my own.  I wish I could trade heartbeats with Z’s little boy so he had something good from me.  I wish I could die so Z’s baby boy could live.

     AWAKE

CHAPTER 36

                           OCTOBER 23

  Sitting silently in my living room, I know I'm supposed to get ready, but I can't.  Mack will be here any minute, and Kayla has already called to push me into getting ready.  And other less friendly Kayla has also called me to say she'd meet me at the cemetery, but I just can't do it.  I can't get dressed for this.  I can't live for this.
  In the last 5 days, I've turned over (another) new leaf.  When I had the C-section the day after we learned of the baby, Z waited in the adjacent room for his son.  I was in the operating room with Mack, and sadly, Z was totally alone waiting to hold his dead baby in the room beside us.
  From what Mack told me, Z was absolutely devastated and broken, and I swore in that moment I would never, EVER hurt him again no matter what it did to me.  I swore to never see him again.  I swore to let him go once and for all, so he can move past all this Suzanne-SHIT, all the time.
  And so I'm stuck.  Mack and Kayla have insisted I go to the funeral for my own closure, but I can't do it to Z.  I don't want Z to have to see me, or think about me, or take me into account, or worry about my feelings, or have to deal with me at all.  I don't want him to have to acknowledge me in the slightest during this devastating day of his.
  This is Z's time.  This is Z's funeral for his son.  This is Z's closure for all the potential he thought he would have for the last 8 months and lost.  This is Z's time to mourn.  So I’m taking all the Suzanne insanity and drama out of it for him today.  This is the absolute least I can do for Z on this horrible day.

  Moving slowly through my apartment I make my way to bed.  Crawling in, I still flinch and moan at the various pains within my body but I don't care about them.  I'm absolutely exhausted from my agony and sadness for Z.  I need to simply sleep past this funeral, because this is not my tragedy to mourn.  This is Z's tragedy.
  Closing my eyes, I can't help but picture Z's son again.  It helps that I never actually saw him, so the image changes constantly.  It helps that I have no real picture to burn into my mind when I think of his little baby.  It also helps that I have only a horrific sense of loss for Z, but no real feeling of loss for myself.  I don't feel the loss for me at all, but I feel it straight to my heart for Z. 
  This is a pain I will never forget.  This pain of Z's loss is absolutely unbearable to me.  And if I could, I would live the pain of my abusive past forever, to give Z back the life he should be holding in his arms right now.

  I will never live past this loss of Z’s.
  Waking, I suddenly see Z climbing onto my bed.  Jumping in fear, then flinching in pain, I try to calm myself for him.  I remember his final words to me.  I remember him begging me to stay sane for him and for HIS loss.
  Slowly, Z lays down next to me on his side.  Resting his hand on my still largely swollen stomach, Z doesn't speak and I have NO words in this moment.  What can I possibly say that I haven't already said?  What can I possibly give to him as apology?
  “I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Suzanne.  I was just messed up.  I was beyond shocked at the news and so devastated by his death, I was a mess.  But I didn't mean to leave you to deal with this alone.  And please don't apologize for this.  I know you didn't do anything wrong, and I really need you to believe me.  I know you didn't do this to hurt me.  I know you
wouldn't
do this to hurt me.  So, no more apologies.  I was just so sad and screwed up, and I wasn't thinking clearly when I left you in the room to deal with this without me.”
  “I know you were sad.  And I'm so sorry about your son, Z.  My heart is just so broken for your loss.”
  “What about for your loss?”  Oh shit.  “It's okay.  Just be honest.  Do you feel anything for his death?” Um...
 “Honestly... I feel it, but not like that.  It hasn't hurt me at all as my own.  It only hurts when I think about him as
your
loss, and I know that makes me a monster, but it's true.  I'm sad that a little baby died, and I'm devastated that
your
little baby died, but I still don't feel anything for myself.  I'm so sorry...”