THIS Is Me... (32 page)

  Okay, so I'm babbling, but I'm just trying to get through this.  Looking around I see Chicago Kayla talking to Z, whose shaking his head looking back at me.  Okay, that feels shitty, like they have something against me. 
Together.
  I don't like that much.
  Pulling away from Mack, I see New York Kayla with another drink in her hand, laughing her ass off with a bunch of woman, and I'm instantly jealous.  I want to tell
them
to screw off because she's mine!  Yikes.  I'm getting loopy... I can feel it.
  Walking away from Mack and his friends, I stop near the fully stocked makeshift bar.  A drink would be amazing right now.  Sometimes a little liquid-courage goes a loooong way.  But of course, I wouldn't dream of it in my condition.  I'll just yearn for it desperately.
 

  Listening to the music, I suddenly hear Leonard Cohen's 'Suzanne'.  Oh, NO!  Who plays Leonard Cohen at a party for a bunch of thirty or forty something’s? 
Who?!
  Oh god... I love this song and I love the memories I have of Z with this song.  I don't think he would remember making love with me in his apartment to this song quietly playing in the background.  But
I
remember. 
  For me it was an amazing moment- making love with Z with one of my favorite songs suddenly playing quietly in the background.  It was a moment we had, which I'm sure he's unaware of, but a moment between us which plays out in my memory, time and time again.
  It was a beautiful moment filled with promise in a time when I thought we might have a forever.
  Standing still, the song washes over me as everything slows to a stop.  I feel everything and I feel nothing.  I know my tears are falling down my face slowly and I know I look too still in the busy of the room.  I know I look odd standing so still when a party continues all around me.  I know it, but I'm unable to move.
  I have always loved this song even before Z.  Mr. Cohen used to sing me to sleep when I was young and when my horrible sadness overwhelmed me.
  Singing quietly to myself, “... And you know that's she's half crazy... But that's why you want to be there...” I weep.
  Listening to Mr. Cohen's voice sing in the background of my pain, I'm reminded of everything Z has ever said to me.  All the beautiful words and loving confessions.  I remember the way he touched me and I remember the way only he could reach inside me. 
  This moment is a sea of memories washing over me.  This is a tragic moment of loss wrapped up in a beautiful song of loving memories.
  I love this song and I love Z.  I wish for nothing in this moment but a life less dramatic; a life less crushing in its brutality.  In my silence, I cry tears for the life I’ve always wanted with Z, but will sadly never have.
  Looking across the room at him, I see he sees me.  With absolute dread, I force myself to turn away and walk back to my temporary bedroom behind the strangely shaped kitchen/dining room combo.  Turning off the lights, I am engulfed in the darkness that is me.
  When the door quietly opens seconds later, I cry harder.  These moments are just too debilitating in their despair.

  “Suzanne... What is it, love?”
  “Please don't call me that,” I moan.
  “Sorry.  Are you alright?  Can I help you at all?”
  “No.  With this, YOU can't help me.  I'm okay.  But I just need to rest for a few minutes.  I must've overdone it today because I'm absolutely exhausted, but I'm fine, Z.”
  “Tell me what it is, Suzanne. 
Please…
I need to know.”
  “It's everything and it's nothing.  It's Leonard Cohen, and memories, and nightmares, and a life not lived,” I confess. 

  Silence.
  “We made love to that song in my apartment once.  Do you remember that?” Oh!  He remembers.
  “Yes, I remember.  Why do you remember that?” I whisper.
  “There is nothing I don't remember about each and every moment we ever had together.  Maybe because there are so few memories to hold onto.  Or maybe because they were so amazing for me when they happened... I don't know why.  But I don't think there's anything about being with you that I don't remember, Suzanne.” 
  Well that was beautiful.  Typical Z- love me when I'm down. 
 
  “Talk to me, Suzanne.  Just tell me what you're feeling.”
  “Nothing.  I feel nothing.  Um... next month you can come to the ultrasound if you want.  You can be there if you want to be.  You
should
be there if you want to be.  It's only fair.”
  “Thank you,” he exhales.
  “But that’s it tonight, Z.  Please leave me alone now and have a great time at the party.  But please don't tell Mack or Kayla I was upset because I really don't want to ruin this for them.”
  “Okay, I'll leave you alone.  And thank you for letting me be there next month, I really appreciate it.  Be well, Suzanne.”
  Hearing the door open and close to the sounds of music and laughter is numbing.  And that's it from Z.  Lovely, simple words that stab right through me.  This night is already awful but it continues on, just like I will
after
I stop crying again.

                         CHAPTER 35

                          OCTOBER 18

  Opening the door to Z is hard.  I don't know what's expected of me, and I don't know what's expected of him.  Because we are complete strangers at this point tied together so intimately, I honestly don't know how we're to function with one another.
  “Hi.  Um, come in,” I mumble. 
  “Relax, Suzanne.  I'm not here for any other reason than to take you to the hospital.”
  “I can get there on my own.  I'm good.” 
  Staring between us, there is only silence as the memories swamp my mind.  Why do I suddenly feel like crying?  Oh, I know... Because I'm huge, I'm hormonal and I love this man but I just can't
love him
- love him.  Duh.
  “I'm sure you can get there by yourself, but considering you're as round as you are tall at this point, I thought I'd give you a hand rolling down the hallway.” 
What?!
  Looking, I see him trying so hard not to laugh- I'm done. Punching his arm, I burst out laughing.  What an asshole!  Seriously!  It's not MY fault I have this monster 6 foot baby growing inside me.  But thankfully, the ice is broken and the chill has quickly lifted between us.
  “That was totally mean and uncalled for and just really, really mean Z,” I stutter through my giggles.
  “I know.  But Christ! You're huge.  Don't get me wrong, you're beautiful still, but man!  Your stomach is gigantic.  Are you sure there's just one baby in there?”  WHAT?!
  “YES!  They told me there's only one!  I asked.  I did!  And they said there's just one big, healthy kid in here!”
  “I'm teasing, Suzanne.  Breathe, love.  I know there's only one baby.  I've seen the reports and ultrasounds.”
  “Then stop teasing me.  I've already got the waddle down, and I can't see my shoes anymore.  I know my ass is double the size.  My hands and feet are swollen.  And look at my boobs!  They're huge!”  Ooops.
  “They
are
huge,” he wiggles his eyebrows at me.  Dammit. Blush.  “But you still look beautiful to me.”
  “Thank you.”
  “Grab your coat and we’ll get going.  Mack's meeting us there.”
  Turning from Z to grab my coat and purse feels easy suddenly.  I don't have that heavy, painful weight on my chest that usually accompanies thoughts of Z right now. 

  Seeing him for the first time since Mack's party last month doesn't hurt this time.  Maybe humor is the key.  Maybe Z acting like I'm just a friend is the key.  I have no idea, but I'm okay right now.  I actually feel kind of good.
  Helping me put on my tent-sized swing cost, Z leans in and gives me a little hug from behind.  Just a little squeeze.  Nothing huge or demanding.  Nothing with intent or purpose.  It feels like he just wanted to give me a little hug with nothing attached to it, so he did.
  When he suddenly takes my hand, I pause.
  “I'm just helping you walk.  That's all, I promise.  I would help any woman whose as unbelievably round as you are
waddle
down the hallway.”  Jerk.  Again.  Giggle.
  “Fine.”
  When we get down to Z's car, he again helps me when I struggle to get into his Escalade.  Seriously?  An Escalade?  Looking at him, he laughs.
  “Um, I thought the biggest car available was best for you, Suzanne.”
  “Okay… enough Z.  I get it, I'm huge, but it's not my fault.  I'm not really gaining weight anywhere else, well, except for my boobs and butt.”  He's still laughing though.  Argh... “I asked the doctor, Z.  And she said the distance between the bottom of my rib cage and my hipbone was so close that this huge kid has nowhere to go, except OUT!”  But he's still grinning.  “Forget it.  Jerk!”
  Reaching to put on my seatbelt I can barely get it, but manage somehow, only to more laughs from Z when I have to stretch it all the way out so I can put it below and above my stomach.  The ASS!
  “I'm sorry, I'm trying not to laugh but you look so adorable and huge, and really quite stunning like that.”
  “It's too late, Z.  You've pissed me off.”
  “Oh… come on, Suzanne.  I haven't seen you in a month and you've doubled in size.”
  “I'm aware,” I growl at him.
  “I'm really sorry for laughing.  Please don't be mad.  I promise I'll keep all the laughter in check from now on, okay?” He smirks at me again.
  “You better, or I'll punch you again,” I smirk right back.
 

  After the relatively quiet ride to the hospital, Z and I experience our first truly awkward moment in reception.  When asked our names, and his relation to me and the baby, everything just stops, my breathing included.  What do we say? 
  Z recovers quickly though.  “Suzanne and I are the baby's parents, and I've been invited to this ultrasound.  Dr. MacDonald should be waiting for us inside.”  Z speaks so matter-of-factly there's no room for judgments or further questions from the Receptionist.  Jesus, I can finally exhale that round of discomfort.

  After I'm lead privately to the room, I struggle out of my black moo moo and
thank god
my side-zipper boots, so I can put on the ugly-ass hospital gown. 

  Sitting and waiting on the bed, eventually there's a knock, and poking his head in, Mack greets me with a huge smile.
  “Hey Tubby... How goes it?”  Before I can tell him to piss off though, I hear Z burst out laughing behind him.  Jesus!  Now there's
two
of them?  I wish to god Kayla was here.  She'd beat the shit out of both of them for me.
  Pouting, I mumble, “Be nice to me.  I'm a huge woman on the edge.”
  Grinning, Mack walks to me and takes me in his arms.  Holding tight, I breathe him in.  I know he's teasing, just like Z did, and I'm not really angry or sad, but I just want his comfort a minute longer.  Some days I'm so lonely and scared, Mack's hugs are all I have in this world to ease me.
  “Dr. Cobb will be in any minute.  How was your night?”
  “Good.  I slept pretty well, though I did pee like 10 times in the night which sucks.  Otherwise, I was fine.” 
  Looking over, I see Z standing to the side of the room.  He seems so uncomfortable; almost like he knows he's intruding on me and Mack.  I feel so bad for him in these moments because he's such an integral part of this equation, and yet he's always on the sideline just watching. 

  This event is his life changing forever, but up to now he's never been a part of it.  Except for the little scraps I give him, or from the information Mack shares with him, he’s always been outside looking in.  Suddenly, I realize Kayla was right and this just seems so unfair to Z.
  “Z… I'm very sorry you always have to look at this from the outside.  I swear that was never my intention.  I never meant to hurt you like that,” I whisper.
  “I know it wasn't, and I’m okay, Suzanne.  You just do what you have to do to get through what you have to get through.  I'll have my part soon enough.”  God, he's an amazing man.
  “You WILL have your part soon enough... diapers and all,” I grin through my tears
  Clapping his hands together loudly, he yells, “I can't wait!”
  Suddenly, I have to know.  Don't do it!  Don't ask it!  Ah, I have to.
  “What are you going to call it?” 
Jesus...
I could actually feel the air leave the room between us.  Mack is so tense when I look at him he doesn't even seem to blink.  Was that really bad?  Shit.
   “'Glass of',” Z replies deadpan.  WHAT?!  Cracking up in a fit of laughter, I'm stunned by his playfulness.  “With the last name Zinfandel, what other options did I have?”  He says again with a total lack of emotion like he's serious. 

  I'm dying here, laughing so hard, I feel almost lightheaded.  Looking over, I see Mack has finally exhaled as well. 

  Grinning at me, Z asks, “What do you think?”
  “It's awesome!  I once wondered if your name was 'Bottle of', so 'Glass of' is the perfect choice.  Is that for a boy or a girl?”  I ask, still laughing.
  “I think the name applies to either gender, don't you?”
  “Yes, it does.  'Glass of Zinfandel'.  It’s perfect, Z.”
  When Dr. Cobb walks in and takes in the mood of the room, she instantly smiles.  “Something I should know?”
  “Z's naming our baby 'Glass of'.”  Oh!  Ooops.  Not ours- NOT
ours! 
Mack and Z both caught that though, I can tell.  They instantly had a little eye contact between them.  Dammit.
  “That's an excellent choice, Z.”
  “Thank you,” he nods.
  “Okay Suzanne, you're up.  Lay back, cover up, and lift the gown for me.”
  Struggling, I lay back and rest my hip on the little cushion so I'm not flat.  At this point lying flat on my back causes a pain that is so quick and sudden I feel trapped in my inability to move out of the pain, which I'm told is totally common for hugely pregnant women.  Yay!  'Cause pregnancy didn't come with enough side effects.
  Once I'm settled, Dr. Cobb squirts the gross jell on me, making me jump as always, and she starts her thing.  Looking at Z, I'm struck with such sadness for him again.  Reaching out my hand, I motion for him to come closer.  So nodding with another smile for me, Z walks the 2 steps until he's right beside Mack on my right.
  Looking at the ceiling, I can't do it.  I haven't looked yet on purpose and I won't start now.  I know Mack bought a picture of the baby for himself and for Z, and I know they've talked to Kayla about it.  But I just can't look.  I'm not sure what I think will happen, but looking at it feels like a betrayal or something.  It's like I'm afraid I'll give the kid false hope that I actually want to be its mother.  Which I still don't.
  “Do you want to know what it is yet, Suzanne?” Z asks me softly.
  “No, I'm good.  But you go ahead if you want to.”
  “I already know.”  Really?  Huh.
  “So 'Glass of' still works?”
  “Absolutely,” he grins.
  Staring back at the ceiling, I feel happy for him.  I want him to be happy, and if this is what I can do to make him happy, I'll do it.  Plus, I'm almost done my part anyway.
  “Suzanne, I need to bring in the Tech for a minute, okay?”
  Looking over, I see Dr. Cobb has a fake doctor- try to look reassuring- but something's wrong- smile on her lips, and I don't buy it for a second.
  Moaning, “What's wrong?”
  Fake smiling again, Dr. Cobb pats my leg, and walks from the room quickly.
  Turning to Mack, I know he knows- I can see it.  Oh no!  Looking at Z quickly, I see his total confusion.  Mack knows, but Z doesn't.  Holy SHIT!  What's wrong?!
  “Breathe, Suzanne,” Mack says quietly while squeezing my hand.
  Looking at Z again, he's statue still.  He isn't moving.  Or blinking.  Or speaking.  Or breathing.  There is just nothing to him.  He is absolutely lifeless in this moment.
  Thankfully, Dr. Cobb returns quickly with the Tech and they get right back to my stomach, fake smiles and all. 
  After forever, with no sound in the room, Dr. Cobb places something on my stomach as the Tech squirts gel on me again, and starts clicking the machine repeatedly, which is quite annoying actually.  All I'm hearing is the constant click of the machine and no other sound, which is like a kind of torture itself.  Shit!  I need some other sound before I go completely mental.
  When the Tech starts typing weird words, like codes or anagrams on the screen, I know.  Dr. Cobb doesn't have to say anything.  The Tech doesn't have to stop typing.  Mack doesn't have to start soothing.  Z doesn't have to start breathing.  I know.
  “What happened?” I whisper.
  Turning to me, Dr. Cobb has the grace to dramatically exhale before speaking. 
  “I don't know yet Suzanne, but the baby no longer has a heartbeat.”