THIS Is Me... (31 page)

  Before I even exhale, the headache that hits me so suddenly feels like what I read a burst aneurism feels like.  I know the chances are slim, but with me, who knows?  Slapping Z's hands away from my hair and pushing off Mack, I limp my way out of the living room for my bedroom.
  When my eyesight gets all blotchy and a light starts flashing in my peripheral vision, I'm relieved to know it’s just a migraine.  A painful, debilitating, barf-inducing migraine.  But thankfully, I'll take it.
  Throwing open my door, I make my way to my bed and just collapse on it halfway across the middle and partly off the side. But I don't care where I land, I just need to lie down.  Trying to calm my shaking body, I reach for the warm blanket at the end of my bed until Z suddenly flips it over my body.
  “Thanks.  I'm okay.  I just have a migraine.  Your baby is fine though, I think.”
  Sitting on the edge of my bed, Z strokes my hair out of my face.  “I'm so sorry you had to learn all that.  But you were right.  No matter what she went through- her
one
experience- it doesn’t change anything that was done to you.  Your mother chose to be an evil bitch to you over and over again, and I'm very proud of you for seeing it like that.”
  “Thanks-”
  “I'm serious, Suzanne.  I was worried you would take this newest information internally and make it somehow about you, or feel it was your fault, or your problem to deal with.  I was so scared you would somehow feel badly for her.”
  “I can't feel bad anymore.  Um… Z?  I'm going to throw up.  Could you please hurry and get me a bowl?”  Before I can even exhale, I hear him running through my apartment.
  Returning seconds later, the bowl is placed beside my head as Z continues stroking my hair.  Oh, god, I miss him.
  “Z, could you please go.”
  “I don't mind.  Go ahead and throw up if you have to, I've seen much worse.  I
was
in a fraternity, you know?”
  “Ha!  I'm sure you have.  But this is about YOU being here.  I can't have you with me right now.”
  “I'm fine, Suzanne,” he pushes.
  “But I'm not.  I
need
you to leave, Z.”
  “I'll just stay here until you fall asleep, okay?”
  “Oh, god... You don't get it.  You
never
get it.  If you stay I'm going to beg you to never leave.  I still love you and I think of you every single day but I can't change me, and I can't change this situation for us.  So please, before I beg you for things we can't possibly have, please just go.  I'm sure Mack is here to help me, so I really need you to leave me before I selfishly beg you to stay...” I choke on a sob.
  Crying, my head is pounding so hard now I have to grab and hold onto my hair for relief.  Pulling, the nausea reaches its limits and I can't hold back anymore.
  “Please, Z.  I'm going to throw-up, and I'm going to beg you to stay with me forever.”
  “Okay, love,” he whispers.  And rising from the bed, I feel him leave me again.  Again.
  Sobbing, I finally start barfing up the migraine.  The pain is so consuming, it doesn't even let me think of my mother or the past.  I am just here in this moment in pain and sick, and pregnant and lonely. 

  When Mack crawls onto the bed, he pulls my back up against his chest on my side, and rests us against the headboard together.

  Snuggling in, I close my eyes again and wait for sleep to take me.

  “I am so sorry about today, Suzanne.  That was horrible for you I'm sure, but you handled yourself remarkably well. 
And
you got to beat the shit out of your grandfather which was pretty cool, too,” I hear him grinning.
  “AND you touched my boob,” I say faking anger.
  “Suzanne, I would never touch you like that intentionally.  I-”
  “I'm kidding Mack.  It's been a long time for me though, so I kinda liked it,” I giggle.
  “You're such an ass, Suzanne,” he laughs and holds me tighter.
  Within seconds, the headache has sucked all the life right out of me.  There is no more thinking and no more fighting it.  I have to sleep this horrible day away.  With another awful day gone, I know there are endless bullshit days to go.  God, I really have lived an absolute ShitStorm of life and it just keeps getting worse.

  Though honestly, I think that’s it for me now.  Now I know why my mother was evil.  Now I know why Marcus played along.  Now I know
why
grandma Tommy loved me.  And it was never me.  This was never my shit.  This was just a life of agony for me in a place of insanity. 

  This is good.  I have my answers finally.  I know why I’ve had this terrible life.  Maybe now I can finally exhale my past and move on.

                         CHAPTER 34

                      SEPTEMBER 12

  Yesterday was the day of my closed testimony in the Judge’s chambers and it went reasonably well.  I was good, strong, emotionless and pretty tough, actually.  Neither the Prosecutors, nor the Defense team asked too many in-depth questions, and neither side made me recount the actual details of events.
  Mack said the Prosecutors have already painted the picture for the Jurors, and the Defense team doesn't want me to relive the events on camera, so as to
sway
the Jurors into feeling sorry for me, effectively convicting my mother before necessary. 
  My mother's trial is pretty much over, with both sides needing only my closed testimony before the closing arguments could begin.  So it really is almost over for me. 
  Oh, and from I've heard my mother is toast.  There is NO WAY she isn't going to be convicted, and there is NO WAY I'll ever have to fear her again in this lifetime. 
  I was just so relieved it was only about 3 hours of my life, and that was all that was required of me we think.  The judge accepted my testimony, and offered me a transcript of the closed testimony I gave, which I really didn't want or need.  But I think Mack kept it anyway, just in case.
  When I was finished, Mack and I were whisked out of the back into the waiting 'security' car for home.  And that was it.  All done.
  After we left, I had one request of Mack which he agreed to.  I think he understood, though this is kind of a female thing, almost exclusively, but he seemed to get it.  So when I asked, he took me.  And now I feel very different.  I'm less secure with what I chose to maintain for years, but I'm secure in the knowledge that it was time to let go of
everything
from my past.

  Afterward, walking with my new short, pointed blunt haircut was shocking, but awesome too.  The pointy front ends still cover my face nicely, landing at the top of my chest, but the back of my hair reaches only to above my shoulders now.

  Finally, my super long hair is chopped off and gone.  Grandma Tommy is gone.  My mother is gone.  And I am once again, another new Suzanne.
 
  So today I'm pretty well.  Mack stayed with me last night, which was good because I had tons of nightmares throughout the night.  He even stayed in my bed with me ON the covers, but beside me to keep waking me when I started freaking out.  And though he looks terrible this morning, we have a huge day ahead of us, so he better wake the hell up soon and get with the program.
  In 3 hours we're leaving for New York for his 'surprise' birthday bash Kayla is throwing- The surprise being only that she doesn't know he knows about it.
  Regardless, we're both leaving my place, driving to his place so he can get his bags, then we're hopping on a plane for New York.  When we arrive at 4:35 in New York I'm supposed to convince him to go shopping with me before we arrive at Kayla's apartment for his party at 8:00.
  It's pretty lame, and Mack knew I was full of shit within minutes of trying to convince him I still wanted to go to New York so soon after my testimony yesterday.  But when I tried to keep lying he talked me into the truth, and promised to play along- admitting he knew anyway the last 3 weeks because of Kayla's insistence he be at her apartment right at 8:00 Friday night
sharp
. Too funny.
  From what I've been told, the party isn't going to be too big, and I'll have Kayla and Mack to help me should I need a minute, but I'm going to try to NOT need a minute.  This party is for Mack, and I'm going to keep all the Suzanne-shit out of it.  Period.

                                              *****
 

  Arriving at 8:10, we're late and totally weighed down with bags.  Coincidentally, Kayla's suggestion to go shopping was exactly what we did.  Okay, it's what I did… with Mack’s help. 
  Mack was a trooper once again though, and I was in my glory, and now we have so much crap between us with Mack taking almost all the burden from me, I feel a little bad for him, and extra limpy myself, actually.
  I may have overdone it.  Between my limp and the huge 7 1/2 months pregnant belly I'm carrying, I think 3 and a half solid hours of manic shopping was a bit much.  Oh well.  At least I've kept him from arriving to his ‘surprise’ party early, so Kayla should be thrilled.
  Opening the door with a major flourish, we're hit with the massive shout 'SURPRISE' like a friggin’ wall of sound.  And though we knew it was coming, both Mack and I actually jump a little like idiots, fueling the 'Mack had no idea' facade for Kayla.
  Looking at all the bags in mostly Mack's hands, Kayla raises an eyebrow and says, “Nice work, Suzanne,” while pulling us both in for a huge combined hug.  After removing myself from her death grip, Kayla stays hugging poor Mack, whose arms appear to be getting longer by the second.  Staring at me and my hair, she mouths, 'you look gorgeous, and totally sexy,' as I blush.
  When I turn toward the room, I can see it’s filled with people, only 2 of whom I actually know.  And of course, there's Z.  Smiling, he makes his way to me as I feel my body light up with happiness. 
  God, I love looking at his smile and I love these few little extra moments we have between us so I can stockpile them into my memory vault for later.
  Joining us, Z takes my bags, and starts taking all my other bags from Mack.
  “Let me help you to the bedroom, Suzanne.  You must be exhausted.”
  “I am.  Three and a half hours of power shopping after a flight will do that to you,” I grin.
  “I'm sure it will.  Do you feel okay?” He questions.
  “The baby is fine Z,” I answer defensively. 
  Shaking his head slightly he responds, “I asked how YOU are feeling, Suzanne.”
  “Oh, sorry.  I'm good,” I mumble.
  And that's it.  With the sudden discomfort between us, I have nothing more to say, and I'm sure Z doesn't know what he can say to me without me becoming defensive.  And once again, Z and I are sadly awkward together, which I never believed could happen to us.
  Walking together, we head for the back bedroom behind Kayla's strangely laid out kitchen/living room, past all the people I don't know, at the party I didn't really want to attend, for the man I absolutely adore.
  “You wore your hair down and the style looks amazing.”

  When Z smiles his charming smile at me, I suddenly feel the desperate need to just reach out and kiss him.  A hard kiss- smack on the lips.  And if there's a little tongue- I want that too.  Jesus, this is hard.
  “I wear my hair down now when I want to hide from people.”  Seriously?!  Did I just admit that?  Dammit.
  When Z stops dead, I feel so uncomfortable again I want to get the hell out of this room and away from him.
  “Well, it’s not necessary to hide,” he says turning toward me.  “With those beautiful eyes, and those come kiss me lips, and that amazing new haircut, I guarantee no one is seeing your scarred cheek, Suzanne.  Trust me.”
  Blushing, I whisper a quiet ‘thanks’ as I struggle to take off my coat.
  Suddenly Z inhales quickly and before I know it his hands are on my stomach as he towers over me with his eyes closed.  Flinching, I just try to breathe in my stillness.  Z's hands on me are an absolute NO.  I can't handle his hands on me.  I can't handle the visual of Z's hands on me.  And just as suddenly as he touched me, there is no air in the room between us.
  When he opens his eyes to mine, I'm instantly reminded of a time when I could kiss him whenever I wanted to.  A time when he was ALL I ever wanted.  He is so beautiful, and his eyes are so expressive, and this thing between us is so big that I feel nothing but its tragic loss, as the pain lashes through me.
  Lifting his hands away, Z seems to make a groaning noise as he turns and walks from the room quickly.  Thank god. 
  Looking in the mirror I don't see what he sees.  I'm dressed beautifully in a classic wrap around dress in black, which highlights my growing chest and my swollen stomach nicely, and my heels are 3 inch black suede wedges for stability. 
  But I just don't see the Suzanne he sees anymore, not that I ever really did.  But when I was with him before, I found myself believing him when he told me I was beautiful to him.
  Plopping on the bed, I just try to breathe.  This night is going to be very long and I need to keep myself together.  I need to be the best Suzanne I can be- Mack and Kayla deserve it.
  Lifting my huge ass off the bed, I see Chicago Kayla watching me from the doorway.
  “Z looks as gutted as you do,” she states deadpan.
  “I'm fine.  It's lovely to see you Kayla.”
  “So formal, Suzanne?”  What?
  “I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention.”
  “Yup, here we go.  Uncomfortable scared Suzanne equals formal, verbally repressed Suzanne,” she scoffs at me.  Oh
really?
  “Well then… Fuck off, Kayla.  Is that better?”
 ”Moderately, yes.  Why don't you start by calling me a bitch, and work your way up to fuck off.  I deserve it.”
   Exhaling the tension I moan, “I can't.  I miss you.”
  “I miss you too.  I'm sorry I've been such an asshole...” I laugh. “But you really hurt my feelings back then, and I was too much of a pansy to get back into your life in case you lashed out at me again which was pretty wimpy and very
un
Kayla-like, I know.”
  “It's okay.  But I really didn't mean those things I said to you.  I was all messed up, and scared, and twisted up with reality and my past and you just got the brunt of it, as you know.  I've never thought you were a whore, or slutty, or anything else I called you that day.  Honestly, I've always been so jealous of the way you can do what you do-”
  “Whore around?”
  “No!  God, no.  If you were a man, you would be a sexy stud who every woman wants to be with.  I think of you the same way.  I love that you can just have sex because you want to.  I envy that about you.  I
always
envied that about you, even back before.  You were just so cool, and sexy, and awesome with men, when I couldn't even talk to them.  I even used to think I wanted to be just like you, but I wasn't.  I couldn't be.  And really, probably never will be. That's how I feel about you.  There's nothing bad, I swear.”
  “Okay.  I'll stop being a douche then.  I was just upset, but I'll get over it now.  And obviously we have a lot to talk about.  Starting with Holy shit!  Look how big you are!”
  “I know, and I have a month and a half to go.  Seriously.  This kid is huge.”
  “How’s Z been?  The few times we've spoken he seemed so quiet, or like reserved about you that I didn't ask too much.”
  “I don't know.  I've only seen him 2 times since you know, we ended, I guess.  But I know Mack gives him constant updates on the baby.”
  “No offense, but this situation seems totally unfair to Z.  If I was you I'd think about giving him an in, or letting him be a bigger part of all this.  I know you don't want the kid but he does, and it is HIS kid growing in you.  And I think you're being really unfair letting Mack be the surrogate father during this pregnancy.” Wow! ‘
Surrogate father?!’
  “That's not at all what I'm doing.  And you have no clue what's been going on or how I feel, because you haven't been around.  So don't try to have an opinion now, Kayla!”
  “Okay, fine.  I just hate seeing Z sad like he is, and I hate seeing you so sad you can't even leave this room for the party.  I was just trying to help.”
  “Well, don't!  This is
my
life and I'm doing the best I can with what I have.  Z will have his baby soon, and he can finally be happy and move on.”
  “And when do you feel happy?  When do you move on?”
  “I have no idea, but it's not now.  And it's not with this huge
thing
between Z and I.  Look, I don't want to talk about this with you, okay?  I'm tired and I need to get to this party.  It was lovely seeing you.  Have fun, Kayla,” I gasp while turning away.
  “I'll call you!”  She yells at my back as I practically run from the room.
  In Kayla's living room I spot Mack immediately and make my way to him.  Trying to breathe, I want to be strong- I do.  I just feel so messed up right now but I absolutely won't show it.  Screw Kayla and her opinions.  Screw Z for touching me.  Screw everyone.  Tonight I'm strong for Mack and Kayla.
  “How’s it going?” I ask my constant, steady, wonderful Mack, with a smile plastered on my face.
  “Good.  You?”  He asks while looking at me closely.
  “Fine.  There are tons of people here.  Who are they?”
  “Doctors and Nurses I've worked with, and even a few friends from college.”
  “See, you ARE the greatest, most awesome man ever,” I say while side-hugging him.  “This isn't even a monumental birthday or anything- just your 38
.  But everyone wants to celebrate you anyway.  Told ya’ you were awesome.”  By way of response Mack kisses the top of my head and pulls me tighter to him.