Authors: Nancy Frederick
Ted appeared outwardly calm, but his eyes were terrified.
“
She
’
s so small. She could be stolen from me. From us.
”
“
No, of course she can
’
t. She loves you so. And you
’
re a good man. The courts will see that. You
’
ll have your child. And you must give her back all that bullshit money. Otherwise you
’
ll always be a prisoner and we
’
ll never be happy.
”
“
Oh you know I never wanted her money. I just wanted her to be afraid.
”
“
Honey, that girl has been afraid all her life.
”
“
You sure don
’
t sound like a woman who
’
s spent the better part of a decade medicated in an institution.
”
“
Seeing my life
’
s work from the inside out was insightful,
”
she laughed,
“
But I never should have been so self-indulgent for so long. I could have been more productive while waiting for you.
”
“
You knew I was coming back?
”
“
No, I didn
’
t know.
”
Ted looked at Esther silently for only a moment, but to Addie watching on the sidelines, it seemed a long, long time. Eventually Esther stood up and Ted wrapped her in his arms, and there they stood, merged together, Esther
’
s hand lying tenderly along Ted
’
s cheek.
“
What a fool she was,
”
said Addie.
“
Can you believe she took him back? Well, why not
—
what else did she have to look forward to. Had she known what was coming for him, she might have thought otherwise.
”
“
She knew,
”
said Mae softly.
“
What, you mean psychically or something like that?
”
“
Something like that, yes.
”
“
I would never have forgiven him,
”
said Addie.
“
He didn
’
t deserve it. Not at all.
”
“
Everyone deserves forgiveness,
”
said Cerise.
“
Didn
’
t you hear what she said?
”
asked Mae.
“
She said the only way for them to move on was for them to forgive. That
’
s the way you cut those ties that bind.
”
“
What ties?
”
“
Anger, hate, resentment, revenge. I could go on for hours,
”
said Mae.
“
But you said when I got here that I would have to deal with Karma
—
what I owed. If you owe, then you owe
—
no forgiveness.
”
“
Oh sometimes it
’
s more like ping pong,
”
said Cerise.
“
You get into habits and keep hitting the ball back the same way. You kill him. He kills you. You kill him. Very unoriginal, really.
”
“
So if you forgive him for killing you,
”
said Mae with a nice touch of drama and a very emphatic pause,
“
The next time his path crosses yours, you won
’
t even see him. And the thread is cut.
”
“
Nobody killed me,
”
said Addie.
“
You just haven
’
t remembered yet,
”
answered Cerise.
“
You will.
”
“
So you
’
re saying I should forgive Ted for betraying me with Esther, for giving up on me, for not loving me?
”
“
But is that really what he did?
”
asked Mae.
“
That
’
s how it felt. It sure felt that way, sure did,
”
mumbled Addie.
“
Maybe there
’
s another way to see it. How did he see it?
”
asked Mae.
“
That I was some tacky little slut with bad clothes who was more fun in bed than his wife?
”
Mae shook her head.
“
Replay the scene. What did he say to Esther? What did she say to him?
”
“
That I had undeserved fame,
”
said Addie.
Mae held out her hand and replayed the scene in which Ted and Esther discussed Addie in the sanatorium. Ted was speaking,
“
She just needed me so much. She was like this little lost child, and something in me couldn
’
t resist.
”
“
So,
”
said Addie, defiantly.
“
He liked the fact that I needed him. What man doesn
’
t like that?
”
“
Some men are better fathers than others,
”
said Mae kindly.
Addie scowled, unwilling to continue the discussion.
“
You could send him and Esther some love,
”
said Cerise.
“
I can
’
t send love I don
’
t feel,
”
said Addie, her arms wrapped tightly around her chest.
“
Besides, you saw Esther and what she became, how much she hates me now, the revenge she desires even though ultimately she won. How is that forgiveness?
”
“
Do you really think what you saw is a true vision of Esther now? Or is it just how you expect her to be?
”
asked Mae.
“
We all saw her, didn
’
t we? Didn
’
t Long Feather have to shield me from her psychotic wrath? It clearly wasn
’
t just in my mind. I am grateful, though, that the battle with Ted wasn
’
t prolonged. But then it was in Esther
’
s best interest to cut Ted loose from me. We did have that amazing chemistry after all and I
’
m sure she didn
’
t want to risk a reconciliation between us.
”
Addie paused a moment to consider all she
’
d just witnessed, then murmured softly,
“
It
’
s too bad, though.
”
“
Yes, it
’
s terrible to endure so much strife,
”
said May calmly.
“
Can you forgive him for hurting you?
”
“
No, I meant too bad I didn
’
t know it wasn
’
t Artie who liberated Lissa and my money. I
’
d thought he was my knight in shining armor, my rescuer, but apparently all he did was prepare some documents. And I got stuck with him.
”
“
We
’
ll deal with him soon,
”
promised Mae,
“
But for now can you let go of your anger, forgive Ted and Esther for hurting you?
”
Addie shook her head, but in order to move the proceedings along, she said wanly,
“
OK, I forgive him, forgive them both.
”
She looked down, not wanting to gaze into the eyes of her guides. It was terribly frustrating to review her life with this group, and she regretted a loss of solitude. Could she ask them to back off and let her be for a little while? Would that be allowed?
When Addie raised her eyes, they were gone! Had they heard her thoughts? There really was no privacy here. It was truly dreadful.
Suddenly she saw him! He was a man who appeared to have been carved out of charcoal. Like a graphite Gumby figure, all in dark gray, he loomed toward her, a smile on his face, a bouquet of ashen flowers in his hands. The man was surrounded by a gray cloud and his image shimmied, fading and reappearing uncertainly. There was nothing heavenly about this demon, and Addie began to shake.
It grew deathly cold all around her, and Addie shivered as though her teeth were chattering. Was this some hellish phantom? An escort to another plane? She shuddered in terror, wishing her guides would reappear and save her from certain doom.
The man reached toward Addie as she stepped back. His hand outstretched, he offered her the bouquet, which crumbled into pulverized ash and fell to the ground. His eyes grew wistful, and suddenly Addie recognized him.
“
Addie,
”
he said simply.
“
Get away from me,
”
she shouted, holding her hands up to block any further approach, for she knew it was all deception, some form of hellish entrapment.
“
Get away. No! Get away from me!
”
Suddenly her guides faded back into sight, and they flanked her. Each reached lovingly to the man before her, bathing him in a sparkling shower of light. Only briefly did his ashen demeanor brighten, and for a short time she glimpsed the tortured face of the man she
’
d known so well.
“
Addie,
”
he pleaded.
“
Don
’
t come near me!
”
He stood before her, his head bowed, and dissolved, blowing away like ashes on the wind. Addie collapsed to the ground, wrapped into a tiny ball, her arms around her knees, rocking and sobbing.
“
What a fool I
’
ve been! What a dupe! This is no afterlife, no entryway to Heaven. This is Hell! How could I not have seen it?
”
Addie remained on the ground, rocking in a tightly clenched ball, ranting in one long stream of words.
“
Hell, I
’
m in Hell. It
’
s just so obvious. Where else would I be? Where else could I be? Where else would he be, here dragging me into Hell with him, for whatever eternity is. Does anyone think charcoaled guys are in Heaven, in the afterlife, whatever that is? Nobody thinks that because it
’
s not fucking true. See
—
I said fuck, and nobody could say that in Heaven. This is Hell!
”
Addie
’
s eyes glowed violently, and in a rage, she stood, glaring at her guides.
“
And you
—
spirit guides, or whatever you call yourselves. Well how the fuck would I know that you
’
re the devil? I saw Hitler didn
’
t I and a bunny who was really just Hitler, and you
’
re probably Hitler too, or the devil. You
’
re not angels, hah, clearly not angels. Everyone knows what angels look like and you don
’
t look anything like that. Just a cheap costume party, cheap trick. Under those outfits you probably have horns and long red tails and you
’
ll probably just morph into one big devil and start whipping me. I
’
m on to you now.
”
Addie raced away, looking back angrily toward her guides, who for once didn
’
t remain beside her, and shouted,
“
Don
’
t you follow me. I
’
m getting out of here. Protect me
—
ha
—
like I
’
m going to believe that from the likes of you. Don
’
t come near me. Stay away, I
’
m getting out of here. There has to be something other than this. I WILL find it.
”