The Sportin' Life (37 page)

Artie took a seat in an adjacent chair, and reached a hand out to hold hers.
“
Whatever it is, it
’
s nothing we can
’
t fix.
”

“
We never should have gotten married. I wasn
’
t ready. I don
’
t quite know why I said yes. Maybe I was scared.
”
Addie watched as Artie blanched, but as he remained silent, she continued,
“
And I really don
’
t want any more children. I
’
m busy now with my work, and it
’
s important to me. It
’
s what I do best. Changing diapers just isn
’
t me.
”

“
Me, me, me,
”
he said quietly.
“
Listen hon, it
’
s hormones. Pregnant women go a little crazy, you know that. We
’
ll get you a check up, a prescription, whatever you need. You
’
re just having jitters.
”

“
Don
’
t tell me what I feel! I
’
m telling you I never loved you, it was a mistake. I don
’
t want this baby. I don
’
t want to be your wife!
”

Artie took her hand in his, remaining spectacularly calm, to Addie
’
s astonishment.
“
Look,
”
he said,
“
You
’
re having the baby. That
’
s that. But if you want a divorce after the baby comes, fine. If you don
’
t want to touch a diaper, fine. If you want to devote your life to psychobabble, fine. But for now we
’
re married and you
’
re having my child. And I
’
ll take care of you both.
”

“
You can
’
t make me love you
—
or the baby!
”

Artie looked at her quizzically, and she could see by the look what he was thinking. How could someone not love a baby?

Barker was thirteen, deep in the middle of teenage rebellion. He had decided it was time for him to drive, so, with his twin in the passenger seat egging him on, he got into Addie
’
s brand new car, started the ignition, and forgetting to put the gear into reverse, crashed into the nanny
’
s station wagon, which had been parked in the driveway in front of Addie
’
s convertible. The station wagon shot forward and smashed into the garage, crumpling the door and half the side wall.

Addie heard the crash and came running out the door.
“
What are you doing!
”
she screamed, yanking the car open and pulling Barker out by his ear. She marched both boys into the house and sat them down in the den, her eyes glowing with rage.

“
What kind of horrible person are you to do such a thing?
”
she asked,
“
What were you thinking? Do you have to spend every waking moment devising new tortures to inflict on me? What is wrong with you?
”

Barker tried to maintain a rakish, devil-may-care look, but his eyes misted over, something Addie was too angry to notice.
“
Wipe that smirk off your face,
”
she shouted,
“
And you too, mister,
”
she said to
Randolph
.

Randolph
smiled and said,
“
Hey don
’
t worry, you know Barker is a miser. He has every dime he
’
s ever seen, and he can pay to have it fixed.
”

“
Oh, he
’
s going to pay, all right. And what about you? Think you
’
re going to get off scott free?
”

“
Who
’
s Scott?
”
he laughed.

“
Demon spawn,
”
said Addie, completely out of control.
“
Evil twins!
”

“
You think that
’
s just so funny, don
’
t you?
”
said
Randolph
, practically screeching at her.
“
Evil twins. Funny isn
’
t it?
”
He began to shout,
“
It
’
s not funny, it
’
s never been funny. Why did you have us anyway; you never should have had us.
”

“
Your father made me!
”
shouted Addie, and she ran from the room.

Addie stepped out that scene, and returned frustrated and appalled, to her guides.
“
That boy is just so much like his father. He always knows how to wind me up. I don
’
t know how I put up with as much as I did.
”

“
Maybe we could make a few adjustments,
”
said Cerise.

Addie watched as the scene began to play again, but she did not get drawn into her own part. Instead she felt herself strangely being pulled into the self who was
Randolph
. How odd it felt to be her own son, and to feel all his feelings.

“
Let
’
s take turns,
”
said
Randolph
to Barker,
“
You can go first. It
’
s easy to drive. Look at all the morons who do it.
”

She, as
Randolph
, sat beside Barker as he awkwardly started the auto, then his foot slipped and the car shot forward into the station wagon.
“
Holy shit!
”
said Barker.

“
Mom is gonna kill you,
”
she said, still as
Randolph
.

Then she felt herself being dragged into the den, the recipient of her own ire. Addie was yelling at Barker and she, still as
Randolph
, could see he was about to break down and weep, something she knew Barker was terrified to do in front of his mother. It was easy to distract Addie from Barker. Any smart remark would set her off.

How many times had Randolph
’
s heart cringed when Addie had called him evil twin? So many. So many times that the two boys had made a joke of it, and when they were alone, they used it as a term of endearment.
“
Evil twin, wanna go get some fries at the mall? Evil twin, wanna rent a movie? Evil twin, call the girl, see if she likes me….
”

Addie, as
Randolph
, decided to call her own bluff, hoping she would snap out of it, and so he said,
“
Why did you have us anyway, you never should have had us.
”
Randolph
knew what a good mother would say. She would say boys will be boys. She would say I had you because I love you and you
’
re wonderful, even when you
’
re bad.
Randolph
waited and he knew what she should say. It was her chance.

But she didn
’
t say that. Addie sat inside
Randolph
and felt her soul shrivel as the remark came back from her own mouth. She watched herself walk away. Felt the tears run down the cheeks of both boys as they hastily tried to retreat into their manselves and stem the flood, to recoup their machismo and brush it off.

“
Dad
’
s worth ten of her,
”
said Barker.
“
He
’
ll understand.
”

Addie remained silent inside
Randolph
, waiting for the next remark in the script and she was surprised to hear him say,
“
Oh she loves us all right. She
’
s just an asshole.
”

“
The therapist won
’
t believe any of this,
”
Barker said.

“
Sure she will,
”
answered
Randolph
,
“
She
’
s seen much worse than this.
”

Her boys were in therapy as teens? Addie had never known that. Nobody had told her. She wondered briefly who had worked with them, but like everything else, it didn
’
t really matter any more.

“
Maybe I was too harsh, too out of control,
”
said Addie.
“
I never realized they were so vulnerable.
”

“
Changing points of view is a useful tool, isn
’
t it?
”
asked Cerise gently.
“
Role playing
—
isn
’
t that what you call it at work?
”

Addie nodded.
“
Now you
’
re using my expertise against me?
”

Cerise laughed.
“
You
’
re silly!
”

The scene changed and now in front of her were Lissa and Charlie, her son-in-law, and Charlie was distraught.
“
No,
”
he said,
“
No, I won
’
t allow it.
”

“
It
’
s not your decision to make,
”
said Lissa,
“
It
’
s my body, my pregnancy, I won
’
t do it.
”

“
But we want this baby. We want a baby so much.
”

“
No more,
”
said Lissa as though in a trance,
“
Do you think I want to pass along my warped genes? Do you think the world needs another member of my family? After what my mother did? Get real.
”

“
So what if she killed herself,
”
said Charlie,
“
People die, we can
’
t stop living because other people die.
”

“
She killed herself, practically tortured my brothers to death, treated me like shit. Maybe I
’
m just as bad. Bad genes. Her mother was bad. She was bad. I
’
ll be bad. I can
’
t do that to a baby.
”

Lissa was going to have an abortion. Because of her? After having told her how much she wanted a baby?
“
But wait,
”
said Addie,
“
Did this happen? Not all that other stuff actually happened.
”

“
Possible future,
”
said Dancer.

“
Send her some love,
”
suggested Cerise,
“
Let her see that you care.
”

“
Like a candy gram from the great beyond?
”
asked Addie, perplexed.

Cerise laughed, and her giggles bubbled over.
“
Just imagine her in your arms.
”

Addie closed her eyes and tried to imagine herself embracing her grown daughter. She managed a tepid hug before the image lost its power and detached from her.

Then she saw Lissa lying on a gurney, in a hospital, being wheeled along a corridor. Charlie was beside Lissa, holding her hand.

“
Look,
”
said Addie,
“
It worked. They
’
re going to deliver the baby
—
little Stella
—
at last I
’
m seeing something good.
”