The Sportin' Life (36 page)

Addie knew that she could allow herself to plunge down, deep into her wrath, she could let go, could willingly eviscerate the creature thrust out to her, but there was a glint in the rabbit
’
s eye, and she saw that light, and then her breath began to come more quietly, and her heart clenched.
“
No!
”
she whispered.

“
No!
”
shouted the three guides in unison, and Cerise moved forward, and reached out toward the rabbit. From her hand poured a torrent of light, a golden glow which surrounded the animal, and Addie expected to see the bunny fat and healthy, hopping off to some rabbit heaven.

But instead of being restored to health, the rabbit transformed itself into a carbon copy of Hitler, a man surrounded by a cloud of doom. Then the duplicate image merged with the original, and there was a smirk, a look of joy, of perverse pleasure on Hitler
’
s face.

Addie was perplexed.
“
Why didn
’
t you set the rabbit free?
”
she asked.

“
Victim and victimizer,
”
answered Cerise.
“
They were one, as is the usual way. Two sides of the same coin.
”

The guides then moved forward with arms outstretched, and surrounded the man who stood so seductively in front of Addie. They formed a triangle around him, and Addie could see the light rise from them and enclose him. There was a hum, a vibration that could only be described as angelic, and from the guides radiated streams of sparkling incandescence, a flood of pure energy, and although Addie wasn
’
t directly in line with it, she felt a glow, a sense of divine serenity and she knew that this was the force of purest joy being unleashed.

Hitler
’
s eyes fluttered, his lips parted, and briefly the love they radiated flowed into him. An expression, almost of peace, began to cross his face, when he twisted, broke free and disappeared.

When he was gone, Addie stood, stunned for an instant, then felt herself wash away for a moment, and she was down, floating on the ground, momentarily unaware of anything. The rage was gone, and in its place exhaustion.

The guides cradled Addie in their arms, swaddling her with love and comfort. They said nothing, and Addie lay there unable to think, listening for the sound of her heart thundering, but of course she heard nothing. Yet there was something inside her that burned too rapidly; she felt atwitter, unbalanced, unable to see or hear properly. Finally she whispered,
“
At least Quatro got some of what he deserved.
”

It had been the hypnotic scent of the jasmine, drifting in from below the bedroom window, that had persuaded Addie to buy the
Palisades
house. And there she stood, her hand in Mick
’
s, the day they flew in from their honeymoon in
Hawaii
.
“
I can
’
t believe it,
”
he said softly.
“
A month ago, I was figuring there
’
d be no girl to take to the winter formal. Now I
’
m married.
”
He smiled sweetly, looked into her eyes and kissed her then, gently, insecurely, but determined to be a man.
“
This is even better than a prom!
”
he said.

Addie watched herself fall into bed with her teenaged groom, and she sighed at the sweetness of him, his inexperience, his tentativeness, the softness in his eyes. If she could choose one moment of her life to live, over and over, this would be the one. If there could be a living scrapbook, she would insert herself into this page and stay there forever. This would be her heaven. It didn
’
t matter that she had been nearly forty that day, that somehow it was all so preposterous. She had felt young and free and in love, for what she was sure was the only time in her life.

Then there was Mick at the kitchen table, sitting and talking with Lissa, and they were laughing and goofing off like what they were
—
teenagers. After the marriage, Mick had refused to complete high school, but she
’
d arranged for him to be home schooled for the one semester remaining, and it was up to Lissa to bring him the work he needed to do. She also brought home gossip from school, jokes, tales of the football team.

Addie
’
s heart clenched. She wouldn
’
t share Mick with anyone, certainly not Lissa. She couldn
’
t risk him choosing her young daughter over her. Addie walked over to where the kids were sitting, and squirmed into Mick
’
s lap, causing him to blush. She kissed his neck quite seductively, and then Lissa blushed too, and rose.

“
Think I
’
ll spend the night with the boys at Dad
’
s,
”
said Lissa.

“
Arthur Asshole Bittman is not your dad,
”
countered Addie automatically.

“
He
’
s not my only parent with asshole for a middle name,
”
Lissa muttered, slamming the door.

“
Gee, babe, give the kid a break,
”
said Mick.

“
Do you think Lissa is pretty?
”
Addie asked, almost below her breath.

“
Yes, she
’
s beautiful. Looks just like you!
”

Addie scowled and rose, leaving Mick alone with his schoolwork. About how many girls had she asked the same question? Every one they knew.

“
You see,
”
said Addie to Cerise,
“
I knew from the start what would happen. It was just so unfair. When someone who actually loves you shits all over you, what hope is there?
”

“
Yes, it was hard for Lissa to feel she had to spend all her time with her stepfather,
”
said Cerise.

“
What?
”
exclaimed Addie,
“
I
’
m talking about Mick throwing me over for that little slut.
”

Another scene rapidly appeared. Years had passed, and Mick was now twenty-three. He and Addie stood facing each other, tears flowing down both faces.
“
I love you so much,
”
he said to her, absolutely sincerely,
“
You
’
re my first girlfriend.
”

“
How could you sleep with that little slut?
”

“
I don
’
t want you to blame Blinnie. It
’
s not like she got me drunk or drugged me or anything. We just have a strong connection, I guess. And I just felt something and didn
’
t know what to do with the feelings. I mean I know we
’
re married and all, but sometimes I don
’
t feel married, don
’
t understand what we are.
”

“
What do you mean you don
’
t feel married? We
’
ve been together over six years. We sleep together, fuck together, eat together, live together. I sent my kids to live with Artie so I could concentrate one hundred percent on you.
”

“
I know, I know, but well, okay I don
’
t know. But I have to do this. I have to see what will happen with her. Be young while I am young.
”

“
When have I ever prevented you from being young?
”

Mick began to sob, and he reached out and held her tightly in his arms.
“
Oh Addie, you
’
ve always been wonderful to me. My best friend. I
’
m so sorry. I wouldn
’
t want to hurt you for the world.
”

“
Then don
’
t. Stay. Be my husband.
”

“
I have to do this, please understand, please stay my friend.
”

“
You think I will stand by and watch you go off with that little slut? Do you really think it
’
s your baby? That nasty little piece has fucked everyone in this city, don
’
t you realize that.
”

“
Don
’
t, Addie, don
’
t….
”

“
Yeah, and I have a good lawyer
—
hell a great lawyer
—
and when I sue her trashy parents and they end up in the poor house, just see how fast she wanders off. You think I
’
m going to bankroll you two? Forget it.
”

“
I would never expect….
”

“
And you think you can make a living, with your high school diploma, with that stupid band you pretend to play in? You think she wants to be your wife at six dollars an hour? Hell, three dollars an hour is more than the two of you are worth. Good luck raising a bastard on that! Kid probably will be born with syphilis anyway.
”

Mick
’
s hand flew up and for a moment Addie was certain he was going to slap her. She hoped he did because she wanted to slap him back. Her hand balled into a fist, and she was ready for the strike, but instead he pressed his hand tightly against her mouth, crushed her to him, and held her tightly.

“
Please don
’
t say things you don
’
t mean
—
please. Some things you can
’
t take back. And I will never let you make me hate you. So stop.
”

Her heart was thundering, the rage rising in her throat, and she felt the desire to say something so utterly crushing that he would collapse on the floor before her, broken and limp. But his hand remained firmly over her mouth, and his arms did not loosen their grasp, and eventually she was the one who went limp, and who collapsed against his chest, weeping. And he stood there, tenderly holding her, his hand on the back of her head, his own eyes flooded with tears.

But she would not let it rest, and her strength returned, and Addie pushed with all her might and separated herself from Mick.
“
Get out of my house, you useless piece of shit,
”
she said.

“
You see. Did you see that?
”
Addie asked Cerise.
“
He could never have really loved me. He was just out for all he could get.
”

And then she was young again, pregnant with the twins, sitting alone in her bedroom, Lissa off with a nanny. She was muttering to herself, flipping through the pages of a calendar.
“
I never should have told Artie, never. He never would have known. This was a mistake, a huge mistake.
”

On the desk in front of her was a photo album, and Addie flipped through it. There she stood, towering over her diminutive husband. There he was reaching up to kiss her. There they were with Lissa riding the teacups at
Disneyland
. Lissa leaned happily into Artie
’
s embrace; Addie leaned away from both of them.

“
Why did I marry this guy?
”
Addie mumbled to herself. Everything about him irritated her. Yearning for a distraction from her own life, she reached for a pad and began scribbling, Photo Album Therapy, a new workshop. Confront your reality through reviewing images from your family photo albums….

“
What
’
s up, little duck?
”
said Artie cheerfully as he walked into the bedroom.

Addie immediately tensed.
“
I
’
m not poultry!
”

Artie walked to her, and reached out to kiss her cheek. He placed a hand tenderly on her abdomen.
“
Hello in there,
”
he said, laughing.

“
Listen, Artie, I
’
ve been thinking,
”
said Addie, trying to sound calm.
“
I
’
ve made a mistake. I
’
m sorry but it
’
s true.
”