Authors: Sinéad Moriarty
I
sat
on the park bench and observed her. While all the other children played on the slide, see-saw, swings and in the sand pit, Clara stood apart. She was staring up at the sky, pointing at the different birds and muttering the names to herself under her breath.
I bit down hard on my lip. She looked so beautiful and angelic, her blonde curls framing her delicate face, her big blue eyes creased in concentration. I loved her so much it physically hurt. I wanted to protect her, to wrap my arms around her and make it all go away.
I had taken pride in the fact that she was so intelligent. I had been thrilled that she took after me and was going to have a life full of books, studying and a career that she loved. But I was wrong. She wasn’t like me. She was her own little person with her own unique mind and her own view of the world.
I could see now that she would follow a different life path from mine. She wouldn’t be a leader, she wouldn’t smash glass ceilings in cut-throat London law firms. She’d never be an independent, self-sufficient person like me. She was different. I had to accept it. I had to understand that my precious little girl saw the world differently from me and ‘normal’ children.
I had grabbed life with both hands and thrown myself in head first. Clara shied away from the world and wanted to be alone or with very close loved ones. But being different didn’t necessarily mean being worse off. Clara could still achieve great things and I would help her do that. We were a team, Louise and Clara. She had come into my life so unexpectedly and had not been at all welcome. But then … I had fallen in love with her.
I had never been fazed by anything, but I had been knocked sideways by Clara’s issues. I lay awake every night worrying about her. How would she cope when I was gone? What was her life going to be like? Would she be happy? What did the future hold for my precious angel?
Clara had Asperger’s. I didn’t really need some psychologist and a bunch of other people telling me because I knew it. I’d read Gavin’s notes, I’d trawled the Internet, I’d watched the programmes. Clara had Asperger’s, and I needed to learn everything there was to know about it.
I decided to look at it as a project. I was always the most prepared lawyer, more informed, more up to date and smarter than the people I dealt with. I’d just have to be the same about this. ‘It’s a condition not a life sentence,’ I kept repeating to myself. I thought if I said it enough it would sink in.
I had to become an expert on the subject. Understanding it would ease my fear and take away the panic I felt every time I looked at her. With my help, Clara would carve out her own niche. She’d be incredible in her own way. I would help her shine. I would make sure she was happy.
Clara came over to point out a bird sitting in the tree above me. ‘Look, Mummy, it’s a robin,
Erithacus rubecula
. They’re five inches long and the male and female are similar in colour, with an orange breast, face lined with grey, brown upper parts and a white belly. The bill is dark and pointed and the legs black. They can appear very plump and rounded, especially in cold weather when the bird fluffs out its feathers …’ Clara went on and on, quoting verbatim long passages from her bird books.
When she paused for breath, I pulled her close to me and hugged her. ‘I love you, Clara. You’re the most important thing in my life, you know that, don’t you?’
She squeezed me tightly back. ‘I love you, Mummy. I know I’m important. You’re important to me too.’
I kissed her cheek.
‘Ooooh, Mummy, it’s wet. I need to wipe it off. It doesn’t feel nice.’
Laughing through tears, I handed her a tissue. She carefully wiped my kiss away. I held her face in my hands. ‘Clara, you’re wonderful and clever and amazing.’
‘You’re clever too, Mummy. You know lots of things.’
I paused. ‘Clara, when you’re in school and other children want to play with you, why do you find it so hard to play with them?’
Her little forehead creased. ‘Well, sometimes I don’t really understand the games they play. Yesterday the girls in the class wanted to play princesses but they kept changing the game. First of all we were sisters and we were at a dance, but then Kayla said she wanted to be the queen and Freya said she was the bad guy trying to capture us and then Bella said she and me would be horses and I didn’t really understand what was happening. They were all shouting and telling me to run faster and I got really confused. I didn’t understand what I was supposed to do and I’m not a fast runner anyway, so I shouted back at them and then I went to play by myself. Sometimes I just prefer to be by myself. I like my own games with my own rules. I don’t really like playing their games but I tried to because you told me to, Mummy.’
‘Oh, Clara, I’m sorry. You don’t have to play with them if you don’t want to. I just want you to be happy in school and it’s nice to have friends, or even one person that you can have fun with.’
Clara shrugged her shoulders. ‘But I have you, Mummy. I don’t need anyone else.’
‘I’ll always be here for you,’ I assured her.
‘I know.’
‘Clara, what’s the hardest thing for you about school?’
‘The noise at break time when all the children from all the classes are outside. The talking and shouting makes me want to go home and curl up in my bed under my covers. Big noise makes me feel scared and my heart beats really fast. That’s why I play by myself. If I can look at birds, I feel OK. Can I go and look at birds now or do you want to ask me more questions?’
I stroked her cheek. ‘You can go.’
She turned to go back to her bird-watching. Would she ever find friends or people her own age she could relate to? The research suggested that children with Asperger’s tended to be drawn towards other ‘quirky’ people and would befriend them.
Clara needed to find friends. She would have no siblings to rely on when I was too old to look after her. What was I going to do about her future? I shivered with dread and fear. What would happen to my little girl? As I pulled my coat around me and I reached into my bag for my scarf, I heard Clara’s voice: ‘Mummy, it’s Granny!’
I looked up and saw my mother coming towards me, carrying a heavy bag. Clara rushed over to her. Mum dropped the bag and threw her arms around Clara.
‘Tighter, Granny, tighter,’ Clara said.
Mum hugged her tighter. I saw her blinking furiously, trying not to cry as she held her granddaughter in her arms. I had to look away or I thought I might cry too.
When Clara wandered off to spot more birds, Mum came to sit beside me. ‘It would have been nice of you to respond to my calls, Louise,’ she grumbled.
‘I’ve been kind of busy dealing with this crisis,’ I said.
‘I know that, pet, but you mustn’t block out those who care most about Clara. We are the ones who are going to help and support you through this. I love that child almost as much as you do. She’s a gift from Heaven. I never knew such a lovely child. We’re all here to do whatever we can to make her life and yours easier.’
My whole life I’d never relied on or needed my mother. I couldn’t wait to leave home aged eighteen and move to England and I’d never looked back. When Clara was born and I came home to Dublin, Mum had been great. She was devoted to Clara and had babysat for me when she was younger and easier to manage. But when Clara had started being obsessive about time and order, I had pulled back. I realized now that I had done that on purpose. I didn’t want anyone to be alone with her for long because I knew they’d notice how odd some of her behaviour was. I hadn’t wanted to leave her with Julie when I went to Brussels, but Julie’s kids were so crazy that I’d figured she wouldn’t really notice.
But now I needed help. I needed Clara to be surrounded by people who understood her – people who would appreciate her differences and embrace them, and would help her adapt to life. Clara adored Mum and Dad, Julie, Sophie and Gavin. They were her ‘safe’ people. They were the people I needed to explain her quirks to, the ones who could and would help her.
Mum reached down and pulled a heavy bag onto the bench. ‘I brought you some books. I’ve been to every bookshop in town and I’ve got you a good selection. I’m worn out dragging them around. I went to your apartment, but you weren’t there. I met your neighbour, who said she thought you’d come down here to the park. Anyway, here you go. There’s enough information to do you a lifetime. I’ve been reading up on it myself. Clara will be fine. It was very important that we caught it early and got her help. Sophie tells me you’ve found a good psychologist.’
‘Yes, he’s excellent. He hasn’t diagnosed her yet – he said it’ll take time – but he’s going to see her once a week and help me to make the right decisions for her.’
‘That’s very good news.’
I looked at Clara, who was crouched to watch a small brown bird. ‘I just wish I could … I just wish she wasn’t … that this hadn’t … Well, I suppose I just want to make her better.’
Mum took my hand and held it between hers. ‘Louise, there are some things even you can’t fix. Let the people who love you and Clara help. I will move mountains for that child. Together we can all help to give her the best life.’
I looked at Clara. ‘You know what the psychologist said? He told me we get only what we can deal with. That Clara is a gift given particularly to me because I can deal with it.’
Mum smiled at me. ‘He sounds like a wise man. That’s the best way to approach this, Louise.’
Then, for the first time in my life, I leant on my mother’s shoulder and sobbed into it. I was a child again. I needed my mother now, just as Clara needed me. And she was there for me, just as I would be for Clara.
I
sat
opposite Marian at her kitchen table. We watched her children running around the garden. It began to rain lightly. They raced up to the door. It was locked.
‘I want to come in – it’s raining,’ Molly shouted through the glass.
‘You’re fine. You’ve got your raincoat on – it’s only drizzle,’ Marian shouted back.
‘I’m bored,’ Molly complained.
‘Go and dance in the rain. Think of all the poor people in Africa who have no rain and no food. They’d be dancing if they were you,’ Marian told her. ‘Stay out for fifteen minutes more and I’ll give you a chocolate bar.’
‘I’m sick of hearing about the kids in Africa,’ Molly whined. ‘I wish they’d all come here and I could go there and be in the sun.’
‘That’s lovely, Molly, very charitable. Those poor children are dying of starvation and I’ve just offered you chocolate for fifteen minutes of peace.’
‘I bet you the mothers in Africa don’t lock their kids outside.’
‘You’re right, they don’t, because mud huts don’t have doors.’
‘Daddy never locks us out,’ Molly howled.
‘Daddy’s not bloody here!’ Marian snapped back.
‘I hate you.’
‘Right now, I’m not too crazy about you either. Now stop being a brat and go and play football with your brothers, who are not moaning.’
Molly stomped off in a huff.
‘She’s been really difficult since Greg went back to Dubai.’ She sighed. She picked up a bottle of wine to pour me a glass but I shook my head.
‘No, thanks. Part of the mess with Dan was that I was drinking too much. I’m trying to cut back and clear my mind.’ I was surprised to hear that Greg had gone back to Dubai already. He’d only been home for four days. ‘Has he really gone back already?’
‘He arrived the day before Molly’s birthday and left two days later.’
‘How did it go?’ I asked, feeling terrible that I’d just blabbered on about my awful night with Dan and was only now asking about Greg.
Marian smiled sadly. ‘You know how badly your non-one-night stand went with Dan?’
I nodded, blushing.
‘It went about as well as that.’
Oh, God, that was not good. I was hoping she’d sort everything out with him. ‘What happened? Did he find out about Lew?’
Marian drank deeply from her wine. ‘He breezed into the house, looking all tanned and relaxed and very confident. He’d bought Molly stupidly expensive presents, spent most of his time on the phone and slept on the couch.’
‘Oh, no. Did you talk to him?’
‘I knew the minute I saw him that he was definitely seeing someone. He was so cocky. So I just said it straight out and he didn’t even bother denying it. He said he’d met an English girl in Dubai called Sally, and he’s in love.’
My jaw dropped. ‘What?’ I whispered.
Marian nodded. ‘The kids don’t know yet, but they know something’s up. They were devastated that he didn’t stay longer. He just couldn’t wait to get back to his mistress.’
‘But it’s probably just a phase, a little dalliance, like you and Lew. I mean, did you talk it out? He’s not in love, he just thinks he is. I bet you it won’t last.’
‘Julie, the man is not so much in love with Sally as with himself. I swear he was almost having an orgasm gazing at himself in the mirror. He’s never been so fit or looked so well. I wanted to stab him in the face. And it’s not the affair – I’m no one to point the finger at him for that. It’s the total lack of interest in my feelings or, worse, the kids. He just doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself.’
‘But Greg’s a good dad – he loves those kids.’
‘Bollox.’ Marian slammed her hand on the table. ‘Greg was always all about Greg. It’s just worse now. I’ve basically raised those kids single-handedly since they were born, which is why I’m such a nut-job. Greg dipped in when it suited him, but he was always off on business trips, taking naps because he was tired and sitting on his arse reading the Sunday papers while I took them out for walks and picnics.’
It was true. When I thought about it, Marian had often been on her own with the children. While Harry used to be full-on with our kids at the weekends, Greg was always looking for excuses to get out of spending too much time with his. But what on earth would happen to Marian and the kids now?
‘So, did you tell him about Lew? Tit for tat and let’s move on?’
She shook her head. ‘No, and I’m not going to. Now that the prick is earning decent money, I’m going to make sure he pays up. I’m not giving him any ammunition to screw me with. He wants to get legally separated, then divorced.’
‘Already?’
She narrowed her eyes. ‘Oh, you should have seen him, Julie. He was as cold as ice. He told me he was happier now than he had ever been in his life. Sally is the perfect woman for him and the opposite of me. She’s calm, never curses, nags or tells him he’s an arsehole.’
‘I can’t believe he said that! How dare he?’ Why was Greg being so cruel?
‘I called his bluff. I said, “Well, Greg, why don’t you fuck off back to Dubai to Calm Sally because I think you’re the biggest arsehole in the universe? And, by the way, you’re taking the kids too. I need a break from them.”’
Good old Marian. ‘What did he say?’
‘Well, that stopped him in his tracks. He looked shocked and then said, “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not taking the kids.” I told him I’d already booked their flights and it was all sorted.’
Despite the awfulness of the situation, we were both grinning. ‘Did he freak?’
‘He said I was being ridiculous and unreasonable. So I said, “Sorry, Greg, you can walk away from me, I couldn’t give a damn, but you’re not walking away from your children. You’re going to be a man and raise them. You’re going to come home once a month and spend the full weekend with them and be their father. If Sally is as laid back as you say, she won’t care. I’m not having my kids being totally messed up because you’re a prick. You are going to honour your duty to them and show up for them. You can be a dickhead to me, but not to them. If you miss one weekend, I will come out there to Dubai with them and I’ll leave them with you and Sally, and let’s see how relaxed she is when she’s left with four kids she’s never met before. And, furthermore, you will continue paying me proper maintenance. You don’t get to waltz in here, shatter our lives and stroll out as if nothing’s happened. You are going to explain to the kids why you’re not moving home next year. You are going to tell them that we’re separating because you met someone. I was prepared to work on this marriage but obviously it’s no use now. While you’re chilling out with chilled-out Sally, I’ll be picking up the pieces of your children’s broken hearts. Just remember that, you wanker.”’
I reached over to her and held her hands. I tried not to cry, but I felt sick for my friend. ‘Well said. You’re brilliant. But I’m so sorry you have to go through this. What a horrible thing for him to do. It’s so ruthless.’
She shrugged. ‘I’m OK about it. I knew the marriage was over. But the kids are going to take it badly. I feel so awful for them. They’re really great kids and they love their dad. It’s not what I wanted for them. My own father walked out on us and I can still remember the pain. It was horrendous. I wanted my kids never to feel anything like that.’ Marian bit her lip in an effort to control her emotions.
I hugged her. ‘Now, you listen to me. Your kids are going to be OK because you are an amazing mother. You are not your mother. You’ll be there for your kids. You’ll get them through this because you love them and are devoted to them.’
It was true. Marian was an amazing mother. Aside from the cursing, she adored her kids and did everything for them. She spent her life driving them to after-school activities and she was constantly telling them how great they were and how proud she was of them. Her own mother had never got over her husband leaving and had suffered from terrible depression. Marian had had a very difficult childhood and had always been determined that her children would have a happy one.
She clenched her fists. ‘I’ll manage and the kids will get over it. I’ll keep a close eye on them, and if they need counselling, I’ll get it for them. I’ll make sure this doesn’t ruin their lives. I want them to be happy and well balanced. Having an absentee father isn’t going to stop that. I’ll make sure of it.’
‘I know you will and I’m here for you. No one can be strong all the time, so please lean on me. Call over anytime, or I can take your kids if you need a night off. You’re not alone. I’ll do everything I can to help you.’
‘Thanks. You’re a real pal.’ Marian smiled at me. ‘You know, all this has really made me think about marriage and relationships. Julie, you need to sort things out with Harry. You guys aren’t like me and Greg. Harry is a good man and you have a good marriage. Your problems are just a bump in the road. My road had a bloody crater in it, but yours is salvageable. Harry hasn’t met anyone. He’s just let the cash go to his head. You haven’t met anyone either. Dan was just a stupid distraction because you were bored and lonely. Go home and sort it out, Julie. Don’t let it go. Fight for it. Stop dithering and talk to Harry. Be honest, brutally honest, and make him see that he’s being a tosser. Work at it, Julie. You can save your marriage.’
She was right. I did need to be honest and I did need to stop dithering. I had arranged to go out to dinner with Harry on Saturday. I’d told him it was important but he hadn’t been listening to me: he was on his computer. But when we were face to face in the restaurant, I was going to set him straight. I was going to make him see. I had to. I had to try.
The Dan fiasco had made me see what a total idiot I’d become, sitting around feeling sorry for myself and not doing something constructive to alleviate my boredom. God, I was pathetic. I despised myself for being so weak.
I told Marian, ‘I’m going to talk to Harry at dinner on Saturday. He’s tied up all week and, besides, I want to do it on a weekend night when I’m not chasing the boys around, trying to get their homework done. I need to be calm and clear-headed when I talk to Harry. I’ve booked the cheap and cheerful little Italian restaurant that we used to go to before we had money. I’ve always loved it there. I’m going to pin Harry to his chair and force him to see that we need to make a lot of changes in our life.’
‘Good.’
‘What are you going to do?’ I asked her.
‘What can I do? Keep on keeping on.’ She put her chin up and her shoulders back. ‘On a more positive note, I’m doing really well with the sex line. It’s generating a nice little income. So that, along with the fact that Greg is making decent money in Dubai, means I’ll be able to do some work on the house. I’m planning an extension to the kitchen.’
‘And who are you going to get to help you with that?’ I asked, raising an eyebrow.
She smirked. ‘Well, it just so happens that Lew is available. He’ll be coming over next week to talk about the plans I have.’
I hugged her again. ‘Good for you.’
‘The great sex will keep me fit, and take my mind off things. Besides, I need to try out some of the moves the sex-line guys ask me to talk about on the phone so that I sound more realistic. Julie, it’s important to research these things …’
‘That’s my girl,’ I said, and kissed her cheek.
‘You know me, Julie, down but never out. I’ll bounce back. Besides, I’m going to be really busy for the next while. I’m definitely going to set up my own sex line. I know how it all works now. By February, I’ll be in business. I’m calling it, Voulez Vous Sex.’
I laughed. ‘Well, that certainly says it all.’
‘I reckon in two years’ time I could be living beside you in a big mansion. I’m convinced I’ll make a fortune.’
‘If anyone can do it, you can,’ I told her, with absolute certainty.
‘I need the distraction. Otherwise, I’m afraid I might sink under the strain of this.’
Once more, my arms went round her. ‘Marian, I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this and neither do your kids.’
Marian went limp and cried into my shoulder. I patted her back and tried to soothe her. But there were no words. Her life had been turned upside-down. But if anyone could survive it, Marian could. I’d make sure to do everything I could to help her.
There was a loud thump on the back door. I turned to see a very cross Molly. ‘Will you let me in now?’
Marian pulled away from me and, with her back to her daughter, brushed the tears from her eyes. ‘Those are the last I’ll shed over that bastard,’ she said. Then she walked over to the door, opened it and pulled her daughter into a bear-hug. ‘Come here to me, you grumpy little sod. Sit down there and I’ll make you a nice cup of hot chocolate to go with your bar. You’ll need it to give you energy before your trampoline class later.’
I left them to it, praying that everything would work out as they adapted to their new life and hoping I’d be able to save my family from breaking up.