Authors: Sinéad Moriarty
Colin placed his coffee on the table. ‘I’m very flattered, but I have many patients in my care and I like helping as many families as I can.’
‘To hell with them. Come on, Colin, put me out of my misery. Just say yes.’
He shook his head. ‘Sorry, Louise. But I would like to work with Clara on a weekly basis and, when her diagnosis has been confirmed, I’d be happy to help you come up with a way to help her going forward.’
I put my head in my hands and groaned. ‘This is not how I planned her future.’
‘Life is never how we plan it,’ Colin said gently.
I looked up at him. ‘Be straight with me. Do you think she’s bad? Do you think she’ll have an OK life, a normal life … well, not completely normal, but a good life? A full life?’
‘I think that, with you as her mother, she’ll have the best life possible.’ He regarded me for a moment. ‘I’m not a religious person, Louise, but did you ever hear the saying that we’re given only what we’re able for? If you’ve been given a special child, it’s because you already have all the qualities necessary to do this.’
‘Jesus, don’t be nice to me or I’ll start blubbing again.’ My hands were shaking. I stood up. ‘Thank you for your time.’
‘I didn’t really have a choice. I think you’d call this breaking and entering.’
‘I didn’t technically break the door down.’
‘You sounded as if you were going to.’
‘I was.’ I smiled.
‘Try to stay calm and just enjoy Clara. I’ll see you on Wednesday.’
As I was leaving, I did something completely out of character. I hugged him. He patted me on the back.
I pulled away. ‘Sorry, I’m behaving like a complete lunatic. You’ve just been so nice and I’ve been so worried.’
‘No problem.’
‘Tom Ford, Extreme, right?’
He frowned and then, smiling, touched his neck. ‘Yes.’
‘My ex used to wear that aftershave.’
‘I hope that’s not why he’s your ex.’
‘No, it was one of the things I liked about him.’
I left the office to the sound of Colin chuckling.
I
was
in the taxi on my way back to work when I received a text from Sophie:
Get babysitter. Need 2 c u 2nite. Urgent. It’s Julie
.
I
changed
my mind every five minutes. I was going, I wasn’t, I was going, I wasn’t, I was going, I wasn’t …
I got my legs, bikini and underarms waxed, just in case. I had a manicure and pedicure, on the off-chance I might go. I had my hair blow-dried on Friday morning because I wanted to. I got my makeup done afterwards because I had time on my hands. No other reason. None.
When I collected the boys from school, Emily whistled. ‘You look lovely. Hot date with your husband?’
I blushed ten shades of red. ‘Just dinner, nothing special,’ I mumbled.
Victoria came up behind us. Ignoring me, she said hello to Emily.
‘Wow, Victoria, those boots are amazing,’ Emily fawned.
‘Thank you, sweetie, they’re the new YSL ones. I bought them for dinner tomorrow.’
‘Where are you going?’
‘Gerry’s taking me to Le Gourmand.’
When Emily didn’t react appropriately, Victoria added, ‘It’s the new Michelin-starred restaurant.’
‘Oh, sorry, I’m hopeless. I’m so uncool. That’s so exciting,’ Emily said.
‘It’s impossible to get in, but Gerry knows
every
one,’ Victoria said loudly. ‘He always manages to get us a table. I’ll wear my new Balmain dress to complement the boots.’
‘It sounds fabulous.’
One of Victoria’s clones arrived. ‘Hi, are you going to the Tranders’ party tonight?’ she asked Victoria. ‘I’m really looking forward to it.’
Victoria flicked her hand dismissively. ‘I don’t think so. Gerry’s tied up with work and it’ll probably be really dull. Their parties usually are.’
‘Oh.’ The clone looked crestfallen.
‘Where are you going for dinner, Julie?’ Emily asked me.
‘What? Oh, uhm, just a local Italian place, nothing fancy,’ I said. I’d never been a good liar.
‘Sounds lovely,’ Emily said.
‘Pizza and bad red wine is hardly lovely,’ Victoria sneered.
‘I was going to go to Le Gourmand, but I heard the food was rubbish,’ I snapped.
Victoria eyeballed me, and I eyeballed her right back. Emily watched anxiously. If Victoria wanted to dish it out, I was going to dish it right back. I’d had enough of her rudeness.
Thankfully, the boys came tumbling out before the argument escalated.
When I saw the triplets’ innocent little faces, I decided I was definitely not going to meet Dan. No way. As they buckled themselves into their seats, I had an idea. ‘OK, guys, let’s do something fun tonight.’ If I committed to doing something with them, I wouldn’t be able to go.
‘Like what?’ Liam asked suspiciously.
‘Watch a movie together?’ I suggested.
‘You never watch movies with us. You always say TV is the third parent,’ Leo reminded me.
God, that kid had a memory like an elephant.
‘Yeah, and you say we’re a pain because we jump around all the time during movies, even in the cinema,’ Luke added.
‘Well, the last time I took you to the cinema you behaved like wild animals and we were asked to leave.’ It had been a terrible afternoon. I’d never been kicked out of a cinema before. ‘Anyway, I thought it would be nice for us to watch a movie.’
‘What movie?’ Leo asked.
‘I don’t know –
ET
?’ I suggested.
‘That is so
laaaaaaame
.’ Luke groaned.
‘Yeah, Mum, it’s a dorky movie about a kid and his stupid alien friend,’ Liam said.
‘I like
ET
,’ Tom said.
‘That’s because you’re a dork who likes dorky movies,’ Leo told him.
‘Leave Tom alone,’ I snapped. ‘Why don’t we watch
The Sound of Music
?’
The triplets began to complain loudly.
‘All they do is sing. It’s the worst movie ever made,’ Luke said.
‘Yeah, it’s just stupid kids running around, and nuns and kissing and stuff. It’s the worst movie in the universe,’ Leo added.
‘You have the baddest taste in movies, Mum. You’re such a dweeb,’ Liam said.
‘What film do you lot want to watch then?’ I asked, gripping the steering-wheel to stop myself shouting at them.
‘
The Hunger Games
,’ they bellowed.
‘Don’t be ridiculous. It’s far too violent.’
‘We like violence!’ Luke shrieked.
‘Yeah, blood and guns and knives!’ Liam whooped.
‘And big fights with everyone kicking and punching.’ Leo punched his arms as a demonstration, catching me on the side of the head. Ouch.
‘Let me be clear. We are not watching
The Hunger Games
. We’ll watch
Madagascar 3
.’
‘Yeah!’ said Tom. ‘I love that one. It’s funny.’
‘NO WAY,’ Liam roared. ‘It’s for babies.’
‘I don’t want to watch some stupid film with you anyway, Mum,’ Luke said.
‘Yeah, me neither,’ Leo agreed.
I really needed them to spend time with me. I was teetering on the edge and I wanted them to be with me so that I wouldn’t fall off. ‘Well, we could play games on the Wii instead. How about that?’
‘Oh, Mum, we don’t want to play with you,’ Luke said. ‘You’re our mother, not our friend.’
It felt like a knife through my stomach.
‘Only dorks play with their mums.’ Liam drove it in further.
‘Seriously, Mum, go and play with your own friends.’ Leo twisted it.
‘Let’s play war,’ Luke suggested, and the other two enthusiastically agreed.
‘We can have three base camps in the house and …’ The triplets chatted excitedly about the war games they were going to play as an exhausted and excluded Tom fell asleep in his car seat.
I tried not to take it personally. I knew that nine-year-old boys did not, generally speaking, want to play with their mothers, but I was feeling really sensitive today and it was upsetting me. When we got home, the triplets scrambled out of the car, leaving me to haul in their school bags and sports kits.
I caught my reflection in the huge hall mirror. I was a slave, a skivvy, a person whose only purpose was to run around after children who didn’t notice I was there.
It wasn’t their fault. I hadn’t appreciated my parents when I was young either. But it didn’t make it any easier to accept. I felt invisible. I sat down heavily on the couch in the hall and plonked the bags beside me.
My phone beeped. I took it out of my pocket, presuming it was Dan confirming our meeting time. It was Harry.
Sry but won’t be able to take the kids to rugby tomorrow. Donald asked me to play in a four ball with some big US investment bankers. It’s a fantastic opportunity to make contacts. I’m going to the driving range after work to practise. I’ll be home about nine or ten.
My blood boiled. Fuck you, Harry. Fuck you and your stupid bloody money. Now you’re letting the boys down, too. The only bloody thing you still did around here was take them to rugby and now even they’re getting dumped for Donald. To hell with you and your stupid bloody fake friends and bullshit golf.
That was it. I was going to see Dan. Nobody in this house gave a damn about me anyway. They wouldn’t even notice if I was gone for the night. Harry wouldn’t care: he barely registered my presence these days. To Hell with them all. I was going.
I texted Dan:
C u at 8, get the champagne on ice!
He came straight back:
I’ll be waiting!
Dan cared about me. My stomach flipped with excitement. I blushed as I imagined ripping his clothes off and climbing on top of him …
But then, foolishly, I looked out of the window and saw Tom sleeping peacefully in the car. My resolve wavered. Was I a bad mother? Would my kids get sick and die because I was going to have sex with another man? Would God punish me for indulging myself with my ex-boyfriend? I needed advice. I called the only person I knew I could be totally straight with.
‘Marian, I need to ask you something.’
‘Hold on one second,’ she said.
I heard her talking into the other phone: ‘So you’re saying I should try the Lidl pork chops? … OK, I will so … Right, I’ll talk to you next week. Do you want to do the asphyxiation again or just the masturbation while I shout at you? … Asphyxiation? OK … And you want me to sound like I’m really dying? No problem, I can do that … Talk to you then.’
Marian was back with me. ‘Sorry, how are you?’
‘Don’t ask any questions, just listen. If you had the chance to have a one-night stand with an ex-boyfriend who you knew was great in bed, no strings attached and no one ever finding out about it, would you do it?’
‘Hell, yes! But we’re not talking about me, are we?’
‘No.’
‘What about Harry?’
‘Harry is an absent husband and father. I don’t even know him any more.’
‘He’s a good man.’
‘These days he’s a man who ignores me and puts me last on his list of priorities.’
‘Is the ex-boyfriend hot?’
‘Yes.’
‘And you’re sure you won’t get caught?’
‘Positive. Unless one of my sisters happens to be in the Four Seasons lobby tonight, which is highly unlikely.’
‘Well, then, my child, you have my blessing!’
I hung up before she could say anything else and ran upstairs to put on the new Elle Macpherson lingerie I’d bought yesterday. Then I remembered Tom. I rushed back down, lifted him out of the car and laid him, still asleep, on the couch in the lounge, covering him with a blanket.
I hurried back upstairs as I heard something crash in the kitchen. I didn’t care what they broke, smashed or destroyed. I was going to have some fun for once.
As I was clipping on my suspenders – it was the first time I’d worn them in years and I’d forgotten how uncomfortable they were – I suddenly realized I had no babysitter. I’d told Harry I was going out with Sophie and he’d promised to be home by seven, but he’d obviously forgotten and now he was going to the bloody driving range. Shit, shit, shit.
I rang Gloria, told her it was an emergency and that I only needed her for a couple of hours until Harry got home. She hesitated, saying her back was killing her and she had pains in her shoulder. I offered to pay her double and she said she was on her way.
At seven forty I walked out of my house, leaving Gloria ordering the boys around. I sat in the back of a taxi, smelling, looking and feeling better than I had in years. I’d had two glasses of wine to take the edge off and I was ready for some hot, steamy sex. By God, was I ready!
W
hen I arrived
at the hotel, my legs began to shake. Dan had texted that he was on the first floor, Room 135. I was to go straight up. I went to the Ladies in the lobby to have a final check in the mirror. I examined myself. I looked about as good as I could. The black dress showed off my cleavage and camouflaged my stomach. Mind you, with all the nerves about tonight, I’d barely eaten in days and had definitely lost weight. My makeup was perfect. If only I could do such a good job myself.
As I was applying lip gloss, I heard a woman in a cubicle crying. She seemed to be talking to someone on the phone. There was something familiar about her voice.
‘I knew he was up to something. I followed him. He’s here, with some young tart. He had his hand halfway up her skirt when I saw him. He’s such a bastard. I knew he wasn’t completely faithful, but I thought he was discreet. He’s flaunting this bitch all over town … Leave him? But what would I do? For God’s sake, Mum, he made me sign a pre-nup, remember? I get four hundred thousand if I leave him and that’s it. I like my life … I’m Mrs Gerry Carter-Mills. I’m someone in this town. I’m a socialite – people look up to me. Women want to
be
me.’
It was Victoria! I held my breath, straining my ears to hear her.
Her voice was breaking with emotion. ‘I’m nothing without Gerry. I don’t mind the affairs as long as he doesn’t make a fool of me in public … You should see this girl, she’s so young … It’s mortifying. I’m going to go in there and sit down with them. I’m going to tell her I’m his wife and ask her to leave, and then I’m going to tell Gerry that he has to be more discreet. I don’t want to cause a scene and I have to be nice to Gerry or he might leave me … I have to make sure he doesn’t do that. I can’t be on my own, I can’t … I’m not, Mum, I’m not going back to my old shitty life. I don’t care if he cheats. I’m not giving all this up. No way.’
The cubicle lock clicked back. I grabbed my bag to make a quick exit, but the toilet door swung open and Victoria was suddenly standing right in front of me. She blinked, then recognized me. I nodded and made to leave, but she clamped her hand on my arm.
‘Did you hear my conversation?’ she hissed.
I looked directly at her. Her eyes were red and she looked exhausted. I almost felt sorry for her. ‘Yes, I did. But I won’t tell anyone because I’m a nice person. If you’d bothered to get to know me, you’d have realized that. You’re lucky it was me who heard you and not one of those ridiculous women who follow you around like puppies, waiting to stab you in the back.’
She narrowed her eyes. ‘I can handle those women.’ Then, catching her reflection in the mirror, she gasped. ‘Can I borrow your makeup? I left mine in the car and I can hardly face my husband and his teenage lover looking like this.’
I was taken aback by this about-turn, but I handed her my little makeup bag. ‘Sure, help yourself.’ Louise and Sophie were not going to believe this – me and Vicky sharing makeup!
Within five minutes Victoria looked a whole lot better.
‘Good job,’ I said.
‘Thanks.’ She handed me back my bag, then looked me up and down. ‘You look nice. But you should lose the necklace – it’s too much.’
‘Really?’
‘Less is more.’
‘OK.’ I took it off.
As she pulled the Ladies’ door open, Victoria turned back to me. ‘I’ll be polite to you when I see you, but we’re never going to be friends. You understand that, right?’
I laughed. ‘No offence, but I’d hate to be your friend. Polite is fine by me. But if you ever criticize my boys again, I’ll tell all those bitches what I just heard.’
We had another eyeballing moment – we seemed to be making a habit of it. She nodded quickly and left to confront her philandering husband while I headed for the lift, trying to forget that I had a husband.
D
an opened
the door and pulled me into the room. He held my hand and twirled me around. ‘Let me look at you, you sexy thing.’ His eyes took in every part of my body, lingering on my cleavage. ‘You always had a great rack.’