Authors: Sinéad Moriarty
‘Look, Julie, it takes time to get used to a new school and new people. You have to sift through all the crazy mothers to find the nice ones. It took me a good few months to fit in at Jess’s school.’
Julie pulled the dress over her head. ‘I just didn’t think it’d be this hard.’
I hung the dress back on its hanger while Julie got dressed. ‘Anyway, enough about me,’ she said, then whispered, ‘How are things with Jess?’
‘Not great,’ I whispered back. ‘Her adoration of Pippa is really beginning to bug me. I actually met the woman today.’
‘WHAT?’ Julie’s eyes almost popped out of their sockets. ‘How could you let me rattle on about stupid school-gate nonsense when you had this big news? What was she like?’
‘Sssh,’ I said, not wanting Jess to hear. In a very low voice, into Julie’s ear, I said, ‘She was more stunning, more annoying and more stupid than I’d imagined.’
‘Wow!’ Julie said. ‘And are you OK?’
I shrugged. ‘What can I do? She’s part of my life now. This baby is Jess’s sibling.’
‘Let’s go for a glass of wine. I need one too,’ Julie suggested.
I looked at my watch. It was three o’clock. ‘OK, just a small one.’
‘Oh, live a little,’ Julie said. ‘You need a drink after that encounter. We’ll order a bottle and see how we get on.’ She linked my arm as we headed off to the Harvey Nichols bar with a grumpy Jess following.
While we were having a drink, Julie told me she’d been in touch with Dan, her ex-boyfriend. She blushed when she mentioned it.
‘What kind of “in touch”?’ I asked, intrigued by her red cheeks.
‘It started with just a Facebook hello and now he texts or emails the odd time.’
‘What does the “odd time” mean?’
Julie went even redder. ‘A couple of times a week or more.’
‘Is there any flirting?’ I asked. I remember Dan as cocky, over-confident and really tight with money. I hated men who weren’t generous – it was such a turn-off. He was so not Julie’s type, but they’d always had amazing chemistry.
Julie looked away. ‘No. Not really … Well, he is a little bit flirty sometimes, but I’m not.’
I watched as she fidgeted with her drink. ‘Is it fun?’
She nodded. ‘It is, actually. It’s harmless, but it makes me feel young again. It reminds me of the old days.’
‘Well, just be careful it doesn’t get too flirty. You wouldn’t like it if Harry was getting over-friendly with his old girlfriends.’
Julie sighed. ‘Harry is so infatuated with his new social scene at the golf club that I don’t think he’d notice if I was having Skype sex with Dan.’
I was taken aback. Julie seemed really angry with Harry. They’d always had a really nice relationship. Even with triplets, no sleep and no money, they had managed to muddle through. But Julie seemed restless at the moment, restless and unsure of herself. This new school was knocking her confidence. She needed a little boost. Hopefully her contact with Dan would be innocent enough and give her the lift she needed.
Jess pulled out her earphones. ‘Can we please go now? This is so boring.’
I knew my time was up. I took my grumpy daughter home and left my sister finishing her wine alone.
I
put
on my lipstick and came out of the bathroom to show Harry my new dress. I knew Sophie had chosen it because the peplum hid my stomach. I was trying to stay away from the chocolate biscuits, but I always ate too much when I was stressed. I’d have to watch it, though. I didn’t want to be chubby again. I was a size fourteen and that was the highest I wanted to go.
‘Ta-dah!’ I twirled for Harry in front of the long wall mirror in the walk-in wardrobe. I still couldn’t believe I had a walk-in wardrobe – me, Julie, who had hardly any clothes with a whole room for them. It still felt strange.
Harry was staring at Bloomberg on the big flat-screen TV on our bedroom wall. He barely moved his eyes.
‘Mm, very nice.’
‘Harry!’ I was exasperated. ‘Can you at least look at me?’
His phone beeped. ‘Just a second. I need to reply to Donald.’
I resisted the urge to get the phone and crush it under my high heel. I took a deep breath and went over to him. I waited patiently until he’d finished texting.
‘Sorry, you look lovely.’
‘Can I have a kiss, please?’ I asked, in what was supposed to sound like a playful voice but ended up needy and desperate.
‘Of course.’ Harry turned to me but his phone beeped again. He read the message.
I cursed under my breath, stood up and tried not to scream. Harry, sensing my fury, finally put his phone down, came over to me and kissed me lightly on the lips.
‘
Grooooooooooooooooss.
’
I looked round as Liam made vomiting noises. ‘You two are disgusting,’ he said.
Harry stepped back and turned to the mirror to put on his tie. ‘There is nothing disgusting about kissing a woman. You’ll understand that in a couple of years’ time.’
‘I will never, ever, ever, ever kiss a girl. I’d rather die in shark-infested water.’
‘Are you talking about kissing girls?’ Luke came into the room in his boxer shorts and socks.
‘Did Liam kiss a girl?’ Leo trailed behind his brother.
‘No, I did not.’ Liam thumped his brother’s arm. ‘I said I’d rather be eaten by sharks than kiss a girl.’
‘I’d rather be burnt in a scorching hot fire and die in agony,’ Luke said.
‘I’d prefer to be stabbed, like, a zillion times with a knife than kiss a girl,’ Leo said.
‘Why are they talking about kissing and dying?’ Tom shuffled into the room in his Transformer pyjamas, followed by Christelle.
‘I’d rather die from an infected tattoo that oozes pus and slime than kiss a boy,’ Christelle said, outdoing her little brothers, who stared at her wide-eyed.
‘That’s gross,’ Liam said.
‘Not as gross as your stinky arse,’ Christelle replied.
Liam squealed and jumped on top of her. They proceeded to wrestle. Then Leo and Luke joined in, but they were no match for Christelle. She did kickboxing. She flung one after the other onto our giant bed as they laughed hysterically.
‘Tom,’ she crouched down to him, ‘do you want to fly too?’
He nodded. ‘But not too high, please,’ he said. Christelle picked him up and chucked him on the bed on top of his brothers. Tom’s laughter was tinged with fear. He scrambled off quickly, out of the way of his older brothers’ wrestling.
‘OK now, boys, come on, I need you to get dressed and be downstairs in five minutes. Your uniforms are laid out on your beds, clean, ironed and ready to go.’ I tried to drag them off the bed, but they just dived under the covers and kicked out when I tried to pull them.
Even with Harry and Christelle’s help, as soon as we got one out, the other two would crawl back under. After five minutes I was beginning to sweat and could feel wet patches forming under the armpits of my new dress. I tried to catch Luke’s leg, but he kicked out with the other and connected with the side of my face.
‘Ouch! Just get out of the bloody bed and put your uniforms on,’ I snapped, rubbing my throbbing cheek. They all dived back under the covers.
‘I’m going night-night, Mummy,’ Tom said.
I bent down and gave him a sweaty kiss. ‘You are the only sensible child in this family. You’re my angel,’ I said, kissing his sweet face.
‘You’re my angel too.’ He gave me a toothy smile.
Harry stood at the end of the wriggling duvet. ‘Come on, boys, that’s enough. You can’t be late for the concert. Out you get.’
They ignored him. Just as I was about to take my dress off, put on my tracksuit and start yanking them out again, Christelle came back into the room holding a Nintendo DS and a hammer. ‘I’m going to count to five and then, if you are not out of here and in your bedrooms getting dressed, I’m going to smash this DS into little tiny pieces.’
‘No, you won’t, because it cost loads of money and Dad won’t allow you to,’ Leo said, peeping out from under the covers.
Christelle looked at Harry. ‘Your dad’s not going to stop me because, in case you forgot, he’s my dad, too, and he knows I’m right. Don’t you?’
Harry was slow to punish the kids, but there was no way he was going to disagree with Christelle. She was formidable when she was riled. He nodded.
‘Go for it,’ I urged her.
‘One … two …’
‘Dad! You can’t let her do it,’ Leo shouted.
‘It’s your choice, boys. Come out now and nothing will be broken,’ Harry said.
‘… three … four … five …’ Christelle put the DS on the floor, raised the hammer and, just as she was about to smash the game into smithereens, the three boys came charging out from under the covers. Leo swooped down, grabbed the DS, and they scarpered into their bedrooms.
‘Nice one,’ I said, grinning at my step-daughter. ‘I must use that next time.’
‘Even I was a bit scared.’ Harry laughed.
‘Growing up in France with a tough American mother, I learnt all about discipline. You Irish are way too easy on your kids. You need to kick some arse around here.’
‘Feel free to come and kick arse anytime you want,’ I said.
Christelle smiled and reached for Tom’s hand. ‘Come on, Tommy. Let’s read you a story.’
Tom looked up at her in awe. ‘Would you really smash it all up?’
‘Damn right I would,’ she said.
‘Do you smash Clara’s toys when she’s bold?’ he asked.
‘Clara’s never bold. She’s like you, a total sweetie.’ Christelle picked Tom up and kissed him.
He snuggled into her shoulder. ‘I like it when girls kiss me.’ He sighed contentedly. Then his head snapped up. ‘But don’t tell the boys.’
‘Don’t worry, Tommy-boy, your secret is safe with me.’ Christelle hugged him.
As we watched them walk out, I said to Harry, ‘I think she got more of her mother’s genes than yours.’
‘I thought my father was strict,’ Harry whispered, ‘but Christelle would have given him a run for his money. Is it weird to be slightly afraid of your own daughter?’
I giggled. ‘Probably. She’s brilliant, though. She knows exactly how to talk to the triplets on their level and how to discipline them. Every time she comes over I learn a new trick. She should have her own show –
Chastise with Christelle
has a nice ring to it.’
‘
Control Your Kids with Christelle
,’ Harry suggested, and we laughed. It felt nice. We hadn’t laughed together in ages.
‘Right, let’s get going. We cannot be late,’ I said. ‘The boys are performing in the first half of the concert.’
‘What exactly are they doing?’ Harry asked.
I grabbed my bag and headed for the stairs. ‘They’re singing a song, but they wouldn’t tell me which one. They said they’ve been practising in music class.’
‘It can’t be too bad then … can it?’ Harry wondered.
Fifteen minutes later, with a lot more chasing and shouting, and one quick glass of wine to calm my nerves, we were finally in the car on the way to the concert.
‘What song are you singing, boys?’ Harry asked.
‘Not telling,’ Luke shouted.
‘It’s supposed to be a surprise,’ Leo explained.
‘OK, well, are you all singing together or taking a verse each?’ Harry seemed to think there was going to be some kind of structure. I was less optimistic.
‘Luke’s singing. Leo and me are the band,’ Liam said.
‘What do you mean?’ I was puzzled. ‘You don’t play any instruments.’
‘I play the drums and Leo plays guitar.’
‘But you only took those up a few weeks ago,’ I pointed out.
‘The drums are easy, Mum. Any moron could play them,’ Liam said.
‘Yeah, even a loser like you.’ Luke stuck his finger into his brother’s ear.
I turned round in my seat. ‘Can you play the guitar after only a few weeks?’ I asked Leo.
He shrugged. ‘Yeah, kind of.’
‘Why did you choose Luke to be the singer?’ Harry enquired.
‘Because he’s the only one who can remember all the words. Me and Leo kept forgetting bits,’ Liam answered.
‘Probably a wise decision, then,’ Harry said. He looked over at me and mouthed, ‘Disaster!’
My heart sank. He was right. I just hoped it wouldn’t be a total fiasco.
W
hile the boys
ran off backstage, we took our seats. I silently thanked Sophie. The dress she had chosen for me was perfect. Not too much, not too little.
Victoria swished up to us. ‘I’m surprised to see you here. I didn’t think your boys would be allowed to perform.’
‘Why on earth not?’ Harry was confused.
‘Because they’re wild and out of control and terrorized my son.’ She moved past us and went to air-kiss one of her clones.
‘What does she mean, terrorized her son? What did they do?’ Harry asked.
I was furious. ‘Nothing. Her son is an idiot who freaks out if anyone looks at him sideways. She’s just being a bitch as usual.’
‘OK. Good. I want the boys to get on well here. They mustn’t rock the boat. I couldn’t show my face in the golf club if they got expelled. Most of the members are ex-Castle Academy.’
Before I was able to tell Harry how little I cared about his stupid golf-club friends, Emily came over and we chatted about the concert. Her son, a quiet boy called Joshua, was doing a solo piece on the piano. ‘Did you hear Sebastian’s playing the violin?’ she added. ‘Apparently he’s very talented.’ She caught someone’s eye and dashed off.
‘Who’s Sebastian?’ Harry asked.
‘Victoria’s son.’
‘The violin’s a difficult instrument,’ Harry noted. ‘I hope he doesn’t make a show of himself.’
‘Oh, he won’t. I’m sure he’s had daily lessons from some Russian violin expert to make sure he’s performance perfect.’ I glared at Victoria, who was holding court, surrounded by twittering women, all of whom were mothers in the triplets’ class. I glanced around and spotted her husband, Gerry, flirting with the very young Spanish teacher. I smiled to myself. Victoria might be the queen of the third form, but her husband was king of sleaze.
The lights went down and a hush came over the crowd. I tried to push my nerves aside and enjoy the first few performances. The triplets were scheduled to come on fifth.
The first boy, a second-form student, sang ‘Ave Maria’. It was so beautiful that the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.
‘They’re setting the bar very high,’ Harry muttered.
Next was a boy in fifth form who played a jazz piece on the piano that was incredible. His fingers whizzed up and down the keys like rockets. My stomach began to knot.
He was followed by four boys from third form who were like a barber-shop quartet. They weren’t as good as the first two acts, thank God. One of the boys was a bit off key. I began to relax.
Next was Sebastian and his violin. Victoria was standing up, holding a ridiculous camera with an enormous lens, completely blocking the parents behind her. Gerry was typing on his phone, not paying the least bit of attention to his son. I watched as Victoria poked him hard in the shoulder and he looked up.
Sebastian shakily introduced himself and announced that he was going to play Brahms’ Lullaby.
Harry snorted. ‘Sure any child with half a brain could learn that.’
I wasn’t sure our ‘geniuses’ could even hold a violin correctly. Sebastian did well, and when the piece ended, Victoria, still standing, led the loud applause.
‘Right, here come our lads,’ Harry said. I squeezed his hand. Please, dear God, let them do OK.
The triplets came onto the stage in multi-coloured wigs and sunglasses. Liam attempted a cartwheel, which resulted in him falling off the stage into the orchestra pit, much to the annoyance of the eleven-year-old oboist he landed on. Leo tried to do the splits in mid-air while holding onto a guitar he had no idea how to play. Mid-leap we heard a rip as the back of his trousers split open. The boys in the orchestra and backstage began to point and laugh. Leo glared at me and shouted, ‘I told you these trousers were too small for me.’
I pretended to laugh as the other parents strained to see who ‘owned’ these kids.
Luke pushed his brother out of the way and grabbed the microphone. As Liam limped over to the drums after his fall, Luke told the audience, ‘We’re the Three Dudes and we’re going to perform a song we made up.’
Liam banged the drums and Leo made a twanging sound with the guitar. Luke began to … well, shout is the only way to describe it. It definitely wasn’t singing.
We are the three dudes
We go to this school
We used to have no money
My mum didn’t think it was funny
But then an old lady died
And left us loads of dosh
And my mum cried
Now we are rich and posh
We go to this cool school
And we triplets rule
We can go on holiday
Cos our dad can pay
With the money from the dead woman
Our life is way more fun.
Mum is so happy now she’s got all this money
Cos we can finally go somewhere sunny
She hated being skint
But now she’s got a mint
So she can be flash
And show off her cash
And when we go to the sun
We
…
Luke forgot his words. He turned to Leo, who was plucking the guitar tunelessly. ‘What’s the next bit?’