Authors: Sinéad Moriarty
I bent down and kissed her nose. ‘No, but you’re very clever to think of that. Honestly, you amaze me.’
She smiled and rolled over, falling asleep almost immediately.
I went into the lounge and sat at the table to catch up on some work. I opened my briefcase to take out some files and caught sight of the envelope Clara’s teacher had given me. I’d forgotten about it. Christelle had been taking Clara to school and collecting her all week, so I hadn’t seen Helen.
I pulled out a sheet of paper from the brown envelope. It was headed,
Children with Asperger’s Syndrome:
symptoms and the importance of early diagnosis
.
What the hell?
A
ndrew handed me a box
. It had a big red bow on it. I wanted to cry. It had been so long since a man had given me anything. I opened it and inside was a black lace bra, thong, suspender belt and fishnet stockings. I giggled.
‘I want you to put those on when we get back to your place,’ Andrew said.
‘My pleasure.’ I kissed him. Jess was with Jack, so we had the apartment to ourselves. Andrew was so wonderful. He made me laugh and he treated me like a princess. I felt absolutely like the old Sophie, the one before everything went wrong. ‘Actually,’ I said, leaning over and whispering into his ear, ‘I’m not that hungry. Let’s get out of here and try these out.
‘God, you are so hot.’
We laughed all the way home. I never got to wear the new lingerie. We ended up having sex on the hall floor. Later that night, when we were lying in bed and Andrew was asleep, I cuddled into him and told him I loved him. I knew it was too soon to say it to his face, but I did love him. I really, truly did.
I
floated
into my morning meeting with Quentin.
‘Wow, someone looks happy,’ he said. ‘I take it things are going well with Andrew?’
I nodded. ‘Wonderful, actually.’
‘Good. Long may it last.’
‘It will. He’s the one, Quentin, I’m sure of it. He’s my second chance.’
Quentin turned his silver letter-opener around in his hand. ‘OK, Sophie. As your friend I’m going to tell you to take it slowly, and as your partner in the firm I’m going to tell you that, whatever happens between you guys, we need the Style Central account. Losing the Harmann account was a big blow.’
He was right, it had been terrible. Harmann had accounted for a tenth of our annual revenue. ‘Don’t worry, Quentin, we’ve got the Style Central account in the bag. They were really happy with the fashion show we did last week. Andrew said he’s running it by head office and hopes to have the go-ahead to sign us exclusively next week.’
Quentin looked relieved. ‘Thank God for that. Well, whatever happens, don’t break up with him until the contract is signed.’
I leant over the desk and patted his hand. ‘I’m not letting this one go. He’s a keeper. I know it sounds ridiculous after only five weeks but I’m forty-two and I know this is the guy for me.’
‘Darling, you’ve never looked better. He’s the tonic you needed. I just don’t want you to rush into anything. You’ve got all the time in the world.’
I smiled. I knew Quentin was just looking out for me. Louise had called me during the week to say the same thing. But I wasn’t some innocent, naïve twenty-year-old. I’d been around the block. I had a broken marriage, for God’s sake. I knew what I was doing.
I
got
home before Jess came back from dinner with Jack so I had time to call Andrew for a quick chat. He was going to the UK for a week, so we wouldn’t see each other. He got a bit saucy on the phone and told me how much he was looking forward to sex next Friday night after work. Style Central was hosting a charity fashion show for which we were providing the models, and we had arranged to go for dinner afterwards.
‘Wear that lingerie I bought you,’ Andrew said, ‘and really high heels.’
The doorbell rang.
‘Sorry!’ I said. ‘That’s Jess. I have to go. But I promise I’ll be so hot you won’t know what hit you.’
I was still giggling as I answered the door. Jack was with Jess. ‘Hi, Jack, great to see you.’ I leant over to kiss his cheek.
He was startled: he wasn’t used to me being so enthusiastic. I was usually so tired after work that I could barely hold a conversation.
‘Do you want to come in for a glass of wine?’ I asked him.
‘Uhm, yeah, OK,’ he said, staring at me with curiosity.
Jess turned to him, hands on hips. ‘She has a boyfriend. That’s why she’s acting all hyper.’
I hadn’t told Jess anything about Andrew. ‘How do you know?’ I asked her.
She rolled her eyes. ‘Please, Mum, it’s so obvious. You’ve gone from grumpy to all happy and bouncy. And you keep going into your room and whispering into your phone. It’s so lame.’
‘Don’t speak to your mother like that. You’re being rude.’ Jess was clearly surprised that Jack had scolded her – I was a bit surprised myself. She slunk off to her room and slammed the door.
I poured Jack a glass of wine. He sank into the couch and sipped it. ‘So,’ he grinned at me, ‘who’s this guy?’
‘Someone I met through work.’ I grinned back.
Jack studied my face. ‘You look great, Sophie. Really happy and … well, like the old Sophie.’
‘Thanks. I feel about ten years younger. I hadn’t realized how lonely I was until I met Andrew. It’s not easy being a single mother.’
‘I know.’ Jack nodded. ‘I’m glad you’ve met someone. You deserve it. I just hope he’s a good guy and that he looks after you.’
‘He’s amazing.’ I noticed Jack flinch slightly. Ha! Now he knew how I felt when he went on about Pippa. It wasn’t easy to hear your ex waxing lyrical about their new love. I knew it was mean, but I decided to elaborate. ‘He’s really successful and treats me so well.’
‘Great,’ Jack said unenthusiastically.
I decided to stop being mean. I was happy so I should be nice. ‘Anyway, how are you? How’s Pippa’s pregnancy?’
‘Pippa’s fantastic. She literally hasn’t skipped a beat. She hasn’t that long to go but she’s still working and looking fantastic and she never complains.’
Normally a comment like that would have put me into a rage, but now I didn’t care about Pippa, her fabulous body and her joyful pregnancy. ‘Long may that last,’ I said, and had a glug of wine.
‘So, how long have you been seeing this guy?’ Jack asked.
‘A while.’ I was deliberately vague.
‘Is it serious?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well, you look great.’
‘Thanks.’ Jack had always wanted me to be thin and beautiful when we were married, which was why I’d spent so much time at the gym, the beauty salon and the dermatologist’s surgery. It felt nice to have him look at me and see the old Sophie.
His phone rang. He answered immediately. ‘Hey, baby.’
I tried not to throw up.
I could hear Pippa’s loud voice. ‘Hi, baby. Can you pick up some rocket and hummus on your way home? Hurry up, I miss you.’
‘Me too. I’m on my way.’ Jack jumped to his feet.
Pippa really had him wrapped around her skinny little finger. If I had asked Jack to buy groceries, he would have hung up on me. Keeping the house running smoothly had been my job. He had had no interest in hearing about it or being asked to get involved. He had given me an unlimited budget and expected me to get on with it. Clearly things with Pippa were different.
‘So, you do the shopping now, do you?’ I couldn’t help myself.
He frowned. ‘Not a lot, but I help out when I can. Pippa works very hard.’
‘Maybe I should have got a job when we were married and you would have helped out more.’
‘You didn’t want to work, Sophie. You liked hanging out with your friends, shopping and going to the gym.’ He was getting annoyed.
‘And you liked having me at home running a perfect house, being the perfect wife,’ I retorted.
‘Well, I guess we’ve both changed.’ Jack picked up his coat and headed for the door.
Jess came out to say goodbye and hugged him. She barely ever hugged me. Jack kissed the top of her head. ‘’Bye, Jess. See you next Friday. I’ll be home a bit late, I’m flying in from London, but Pippa will be there. And she’s got a surprise for you.’
‘OMG – what?’ Jess looked ecstatic.
‘I can’t say. She’ll kill me.’
‘Give me a clue. I can’t wait that long.’ Jess hung onto her father’s arm.
I hadn’t seen Jess so animated in a while. Jack obviously got the sweet Jess. I got the bolshie one.
Jack smiled. ‘OK, but don’t let her know I told you. It’s small and it’s furry and it woofs.’
Jess screamed. ‘A puppy? Seriously? I’ve wanted one for ever and Mum kept saying no. This is the best news ever! I love you, guys.’ Jess threw her arms around her father.
Despite all of my loved-up happiness, I still wanted to stick a knife in Pippa’s head – and, if I’m being honest, in Jack’s, too.
A
s I’d predicted
, Louise came over the night before she went to Brussels with a file of instructions for me.
‘I
have
raised four children, Louise. I do know what I’m doing.’
Louise looked up as Leo came sliding down the stairs on a tray, smashing into the wall opposite him. Thankfully, he was wearing his bicycle helmet, so he wasn’t concussed or brain-damaged. Louise gave me one of her tight smiles. ‘I think our approaches to parenting are a little different.’
I sighed. ‘You don’t have boys. Believe me, if you did, you’d understand why I have to let some things go. They need to burn off energy and it’s been raining all afternoon, so I said they could play that game as long as they wore helmets.’
We watched as Harry came zooming down with Tom in his lap. He put his feet out to stop them crashing into the wall.
‘Hi, Harry. Interesting game,’ Louise said.
‘It’s good fun – you should try it.’ Harry grinned and took off his helmet. ‘Right. I’m off to the club.’
My head snapped up. ‘What? I thought you were staying in tonight. I told the boys we’d watch
Harry Potter
together.’
Harry shook his head. ‘Sorry, Julie. Donald wants to introduce me to a top German banker he thinks I should meet. It’s an honour to be included in the meal.’
I bit my tongue. I didn’t want to have an argument in front of Louise. ‘Fine, go.’
‘I won’t be late.’
I ignored him and turned back to Louise. Harry left the room.
She raised an eyebrow. ‘I see what you mean about his interest in Donald.’
‘It’s as if he’s having an affair, and it’s doubly insulting because it’s with an old man.’
‘I suppose now that he has all this money, it’s important to talk to people and decide carefully how to invest it.’
‘But it’s taken over his life. He obsesses about it, and he’s so impressed by successful people it makes me sick. The old Harry didn’t give a damn about any of that. The new Harry thinks wealthy businessmen are all wonderful.’
Louise tucked her legs under her on the couch. ‘Well, it’s probably the first time he’s been exposed to top-level people and it can be a bit dazzling at first. I’m sure the novelty will wear off soon, when he sees how dull and pompous some of them are.’
‘I hope so. I miss the old Harry, the one who didn’t care what anyone did and wasn’t trying to be part of some inner circle of businessmen. He’s not much fun now. I kind of wish he’d never inherited the money.’
‘Julie!’
I put my hands up. ‘Our life is much easier and we have a lovely house and all that, but I feel I’ve lost Harry in the process.’
Louise smiled sympathetically. ‘He’ll come back down to earth. He’s just getting used to it. I’ve seen it happen with clients who suddenly come into money. It puts them off balance for a while, but then they settle down.’
‘I hope you’re right. Anyway, let’s not talk about it any more. I’m sick of it.’
Louise opened her colour-coordinated file. ‘The main thing you need to know about Clara is that she’s very specific about routine, and if things aren’t done the way she’s used to, she can have meltdowns.’
I waved a hand. ‘Sure all kids are like that. I promise I’ll follow the routine exactly as it is. We’ll be fine. Now go off to Brussels and enjoy yourself.’
‘Julie, you can’t be casual about this,’ Louise stressed. ‘Clara needs everything to be exactly the way she’s used to.’
‘Louise, it’s OK. I promise I’ll do things exactly by the book. Harry is going to look after the boys and I’m going to devote myself to Clara. I’ll read the instructions very carefully.’
Louise bit her lip. ‘I just wish Christelle didn’t have to keep visiting her mum in Paris. She knows Clara’s routine.’
‘Louise, relax, it’ll be fine. I’ll send you regular photos and updates, OK?’
Louise talked me through the routine. It was, as I’d imagined, completely over the top. She told me I had to have a stopwatch for Clara’s bath! If I left Clara in for less than, or more than, fifteen minutes, she’d freak. I had to make sure she listed all kinds of birds before she went to sleep: if I didn’t, she wouldn’t drop off. She had to put her tights on inside out because she hated the feel of the seam at the end of the toes. Loud noise really upset her, so I had to try to keep the boys calm around her – fat chance! She had to get dressed in a very specific order: pants, vest, tights (inside out), top, skirt. If the skirt went on before the top, I’d be in trouble. She hated the smell of tuna and she had to have her food cut into small, bite-size pieces. She didn’t like anything chewy, so meat and chicken were out, and she liked her food to be very salty …
I listened, I nodded, and I realized that my sister was mad. This was ridiculous. The child was being completely pandered to. That must be what happened when people had only one child. They treated them like precious jewels and overindulged them. It would do Clara the world of good to stay with us and muck in with the boys. She was far too quiet and shy. She needed to be brought out of herself. But I wanted Louise to stop fretting, so I promised to obey the rules.
‘Clara doesn’t really like to be touched by other people. She only hugs me, Christelle, Mum and Gavin. Don’t take it personally. She’s just reserved.’
‘Louise, seriously, relax. I won’t do anything she doesn’t like. You know you can trust me.’
Louise clenched her fists. ‘Sorry, it’s just that because Clara is so clever and shy, people think she’s odd but she isn’t. She’s just like I was.’
Louise kept saying that, but I remembered her differently. There was only sixteen months between us so we were very close growing up. Although Louise was like Clara in some ways – she was incredibly bright and was reading at four, too – I don’t remember her being anywhere near as quiet as Clara. Louise was born opinionated and was always arguing with Mum and Dad. She was also very sporty and competitive. When we were small she was brilliant at climbing trees, running and gymnastics. She could do the splits at four while I could barely do a forward roll.
When Louise started at playschool, she took over the place. She bossed all the other kids around – even the older ones – and made everyone play her games, where she was always the star. Louise had been very outgoing and quite domineering while Clara was like a little mouse.
Louise stood up and paced around the living room. ‘It just drives me insane when people try to put labels on my kid because they’re too stupid to realize she’s a genius.’
She was really wound up. Someone must have said something to her. Whoever it was, I bet they regretted it. I wouldn’t want to be on the wrong side of Louise. She was pretty scary when she was angry. ‘Is everything OK? Did someone upset you?’ I asked gently.
Louise ran her hands through her hair. ‘Oh, it’s nothing. It’s just … Clara’s moron of a teacher is trying to psychoanalyse her. God, I hate these stupid women who think they know your child better than you do. They are IDIOTS.’
I hadn’t seen Louise so angry in years. She was shaking with rage. I stood up and went over to her. I put my hand on her shoulder. ‘Hey, don’t let some silly teacher upset you. We all know how special Clara is and how brilliant her mind is – just like her mother’s.’ I could feel Louise’s tension ease.
‘Thanks, Julie. I’m sorry. I’m totally wound up because I hate leaving her and I’m overreacting to everything. I’ll be fine.’
‘How about a nice glass of wine?’
‘That would be great, but only a small one – I’m driving.’
I went into the kitchen, dodging the boys on their whizzing trays. I poured Louise a small glass and myself a large one. I checked my phone. A message from Dan!
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold onto your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
I giggled. He was always sending funny jokes, photos and comments. Some were a bit cheesy, but it was fun. My life was so boring, and I loved having this contact with Dan: it was something to look forward to and it made me feel young again. I drank some wine and quickly texted back.
What’s a blow job?!
He came straight back with
U shld know, u used to give great ones
.
I gasped. Luke walked in. ‘Mum, why is your face all red?’
‘I’m just hot,’ I lied, drinking more wine to settle my stomach. I always felt giddy after Dan’s texts, but this was a whole new level.
I held the glasses up to my cheeks to cool down, then went back to Louise. I handed her a drink.
‘Thanks, Julie, and thanks for taking Clara. I know you all think I’m over-protective, but she’s so young and sensitive, I have to mind her.’
Liam came in naked, wearing my sunflower shower cap on his head. He was covered with talcum powder and had ‘I am incredibel’ written across his chest in my red lipstick.
‘That’s not how you spell “incredible”,’ I pointed out.
‘What? Oh, crap.’ He charged back up the stairs, leaving clouds of white powder in his wake.
I turned to my sister. ‘As you can see, I’m in no position to judge anyone on their parenting.’
Louise laughed. We drank our wine, and she left me to study my notes on Clara.
T
he next afternoon
, Louise dropped Clara at the house. We brought her upstairs to show her the bedroom she’d be sleeping in. I’d bought some toys for her – intelligent things that I thought she’d like – and some bird books.
Louise put Clara’s favourite well-thumbed bird books on the bedside locker and unpacked her clothes, which were all in plastic bags with labels on them. Each pile was organized in the order Clara liked to get dressed. She gave me some last-minute instructions and then she knelt down, facing her little girl. ‘Now, sweetie, I have to go, but I’ll be back after two sleeps, OK?’
Clara nodded. ‘Forty-two hours.’
‘Yes, pet, forty-two hours until I come and get you.’ Louise hugged Clara tight. The little girl clung to her mother. Then Louise stood up abruptly so Clara wouldn’t see her crying.
While Clara sat down with her bird books, I walked an emotional Louise to the front door and hugged her. I’d never seen her like that. She was always so in control and together. It was actually really sweet and I felt emotional myself. I tried to reassure her. ‘Everything will be fine. Now, go and don’t worry about a thing. See you on Sunday.’ She nodded, unable to speak, and drove away.
After Louise had gone I went to find Tom, who was absorbed in his Lego in the playroom. I asked him to come upstairs with me to say hello to Clara and to see if she was hungry. She was sitting on the floor, reading her bird book.
‘Hello, Clara,’ Tom said.
She didn’t look up. He went over and crouched in front of her. ‘
Hellooooo
.’
‘Hello, Tom,’ she said, still not looking up.
‘Would you like a snack?’ I asked her.
She shook her head. Louise’s notes had said that Clara didn’t often feel hungry and it was important to encourage her to eat. She was allowed healthy snacks – raisins, rice cakes or popcorn.
‘Would you like some popcorn? I could make some for you.’
She shook her head again.
‘Would you like to come and play Lego with Tom?’ I suggested.
She didn’t seem to want to do that either.
Louise’s notes had said that Clara preferred to play alone and that I wasn’t to worry if she didn’t want to play with Tom. She also said that the triplets would be far too boisterous for her and could I please keep them away. This poor child spent far too much time alone. She needed to be around other kids. Her stay with us would do her the world of good, once she relaxed and got used to things.
I went downstairs with Tom, made him a sandwich and poured myself a glass of wine. It was going to be a long weekend.
A
t five o’clock
, I had to go and collect the triplets from rugby training, so I went up and explained to Clara that we had to go in the car now. Louise said to give her lots of notice and explain things very clearly and precisely.
‘How many minutes will it take to get to the school?’ she asked.
‘Uhm, five or ten.’
‘Exactly how many?’
I tried to be more precise but had to guess. ‘Well, I’d say exactly ten.’
‘That’s six hundred seconds.’
She really was a genius. Tom could barely count to twenty. Then again, Tom didn’t require this crazy routine, went everywhere without any forewarning and never complained. He might not be a whiz at maths, but he was the easiest kid in the world.
I opened the car door and told Clara and Tom to climb in. Tom clambered into his seat and strapped himself in, but Clara froze.
‘Come on, pet, in you go.’
She shook her head, clearly horrified, and pointed to the seat. I peered over her head. The seat was covered with crumbs. I leant over her and swept them onto the floor. ‘Now, all clean. Sit down.’
‘It’s dirty.’
‘No, it’s not. I’ve just cleaned it.’
‘I can see bits of food there.’
I took a deep breath and brushed the few tiny remaining crumbs onto the floor. She still refused to sit down.
‘Clara,’ I said firmly, ‘if we don’t leave now, I’ll be late. So I need you to sit down.’
She shook her head again. I cursed under my breath and looked around. There was an old rain jacket in the back. I opened it up and put it, lining side up, on the seat. ‘Now, lovely clean seat.’
Clara touched the material, finally seemed satisfied and sat down. I put on her seatbelt, then drove like a maniac to pick up the boys. On the way, my phone beeped. Dan.
How’s my Juliette today? I had another dream about you last night, X rated
. The car swerved as I reddened.
‘You’re not allowed to use your phone in the car.’ Clara sounded shocked. ‘It’s dangerous. If you lose concentration, you could crash and kill someone.’
‘What?’ Tom said, in surprise. ‘Mummy’s always on her phone in the car.’
‘No, I’m not,’ I lied.
‘Yes, you are.’ Tom landed me in it.
‘I just had to check that message. It was important.’
Clara wasn’t letting me get away with it. ‘You could be arrested. Mummy says that no message is important enough to make you use your phone in the car.’