The Mousetrap and Other Plays (34 page)

LADY
ANGKATELL
. Gudgeon is wonderful. (
She sits on the sofa.
) He always appears at the right moment.

HENRIETTA
. (
Aside
) Could I have a light, Midge?

EDWARD
. (
Moving to
LADY
ANGKATELL
and offering her a cigarette
) How's the sculpture, Henrietta?

LADY
ANGKATELL
. You know I don't smoke, dear.

(
MIDGE
picks up the table lighter from the mantelpiece.
)

HENRIETTA
. Getting along. I've finished the big wooden figure for the International Group. Would you like to see it?

EDWARD
. Yes.

HENRIETTA
. It's concealed in what I believe the house agent who sold Henry this house calls the “breakfast nook.”

(
MIDGE
lights
HENRIETTA
's cigarette, then replaces the lighter on the mantelpiece.
)

LADY
ANGKATELL
. Thank heavens that's something I have
never
had—my breakfast in a nook.

(
They all laugh.
HENRIETTA
moves to the alcove up Left, draws back the curtain, switches on the light, then moves up Centre.
EDWARD
leads
MIDGE
to the alcove and stands Right of her as they both look off Left.
)

HENRIETTA
. It's called The Worshipper.

EDWARD
. (
Impressed
) That's a very powerful figure. Beautiful graining. What wood is it?

HENRIETTA
. Pearwood.

EDWARD
. (
Slowly
) It's—an uncomfortable sort of thing.

MIDGE
. (
Nervously
) It's horrible.

EDWARD
. That heavy forward slant of the neck and shoulders—the submission. The fanaticism of the face—the eyes—she's blind? (
He turns to face
HENRIETTA
.)

HENRIETTA
. Yes.

EDWARD
. What's she looking at—with her blind eyes?

HENRIETTA
. (
Turning away
) I don't know. Her God, I suppose.

LADY
ANGKATELL
. (
Softly
) Poor Henrietta.

HENRIETTA
. (
Moving to Right of the armchair Left Centre
) What did you say, Lucy?

(
EDWARD
crosses to the fireplace and flicks his ash into it.
)

LADY
ANGKATELL
. (
Rising
) Nothing. (
She moves to Right of the sofa and glances off Right.
) Ah look, chaffinches. Sweet. One ought to look at birds through glasses, on tops of trees, oughtn't one? (
She turns.
) Are there still herons at Ainswick, Edward?

EDWARD
. Ah, yes—down by the river.

LADY
ANGKATELL
. (
Softly
) Down by the river—ah dear.

(
Her voice fades away as she exits Right.
)

EDWARD
. Why did she say “Poor Henrietta?”

(
MIDGE
closes the alcove curtain, switches off the light, crosses above the sofa to Right of it, then sits on it at the Right end.
)

HENRIETTA
. Lucy isn't blind.

EDWARD
. (
Stubbing out his cigarette in the ashtray on the mantelpiece
) Shall we go for a walk, Henrietta? (
He moves Left Centre
) I'd like to stretch my legs after that drive.

HENRIETTA
. I'd love to. (
She moves to the coffee table and stubs out her cigarette in the ashtray on it.
) I've been modelling most of the day. Coming, Midge?

MIDGE
. No, thank you.

(
EDWARD
moves slowly up Centre.
)

I'll stay here and help Lucy with the Cristows when they arrive.

EDWARD
. (
Stopping and turning; sharply
) Cristow? Is he coming?

HENRIETTA
. Yes.

EDWARD
. I wish I'd known.

HENRIETTA
. (
Belligerently
) Why?

EDWARD
. (
Very quietly
) I could have come—some other weekend.

(
There is a pause, then
HENRIETTA
and
EDWARD
exit up Centre to Left.
MIDGE
watches them go, her face revealing her hopeless love for
EDWARD
.
LADY
ANGKATELL
enters Right and moves above the Right end of the sofa.
)

LADY
ANGKATELL
. (
Whispering
) Have Henrietta and Edward gone for a walk?

MIDGE
. Yes.

LADY
ANGKATELL
. Does Edward know about the Cristows?

MIDGE
. Yes.

LADY
ANGKATELL
. Was it all right?

MIDGE
. Not noticeably.

LADY
ANGKATELL
. (
Moving to the French windows Right
) Oh dear. I knew this weekend was going to be awkward.

(
MIDGE
rises, stubs out her cigarette in the ashtray on the coffee table, picks up her handbag and gloves and moves to
LADY
ANGKATELL
.)

MIDGE
. Let's go round the garden, Lucy. What's on in the flower world at the moment? I'm such a hopeless cockney nowadays. Most dahlias?

LADY
ANGKATELL
. Yes. Handsome—in a rather dull way. And so full of earwigs. Mind you, I'm told earwigs are very good mothers, not that it makes one
like
them any better.

(
LADY
ANGKATELL
and
MIDGE
exit Right.
DORIS
,
the maid, enters Left and holds the door open. She looks slightly half-witted and is terrified of
GUDGEON
.
GUDGEON
enters Left and crosses to the drinks table. He carries a tray of drinks, a bowl of olives and a tea cloth.
DORIS
closes the door, moves Left Centre and stands gaping.
)

GUDGEON
. (
Putting the tray on the drinks table
) Well, fold the papers, Doris, the way I showed you. (
He starts to polish the glasses.
)

DORIS
. (
Moving hastily to Left of the coffee table
) Yes, Mr. Gudgeon. (
She picks up “The Times” and folds it.
) Her ladyship is bats, isn't she, Mr. Gudgeon?

GUDGEON
. (
Turning
) Certainly not. Her ladyship has a very keen intellect. She speaks five foreign languages, and has been all over the world with Sir Henry. Sir Henry was Governor of one of the principal provinces in India. He would have been the next Viceroy most probably if it hadn't been for that terrible Labour Government doing away with the Empire.

DORIS
. (
Putting the newspaper on the Left arm of the sofa
) My
dad's
Labour.

(
There is a pause as
GUDGEON
looks almost pityingly at
DORIS
.)

(
She takes a step back. Apologetically
) Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Gudgeon.

GUDGEON
. (
Tolerantly
) You can't help your parents, Doris.

DORIS
. (
Humbly
) I know they're not class.

GUDGEON
. (
Patronizingly
) You are coming along quite nicely—(
He turns to the drinks table and continues polishing the glasses
) although it's not what any of us have been used to. Gamekeeper's daughter, or Head Groom's daughter, a young girl who knows her manners, and has been brought up right.

(
DORIS
picks up the “Daily Graphic” and folds it.
)

That's what I like to train.

DORIS
. (
Putting all the papers together tidily on the coffee table
) Sorry, Mr. Gudgeon. (
She crosses to the writing table, picks up the ashtray from it, returns to the coffee table and empties the ashtray she is carrying into that on the coffee table.
)

GUDGEON
. Ah well, it seems those days are gone for ever.

DORIS
. (
Replacing the ashtray on the writing table
) Miss Simmonds is always down on me, too.

GUDGEON
. She's doing it for your own good, Doris. She's training you.

DORIS
. (
Picking up the ashtray from the coffee table, crossing to the fireplace and emptying the ashtray into the one on the mantelpiece
) Shan't get more money, shall I, when I'm trained? (
She replaces the ashtray on the coffee table.
)

GUDGEON
. Not much, I'm afraid.

DORIS
. (
Crossing to the fireplace
) Doesn't seem worth being trained, then, does it? (
She picks up the full ashtray from the mantelpiece.
)

GUDGEON
. I'm afraid you may be right, my girl.

(
DORIS
is about to empty the ashtray into the fire.
)

Ah!

(
DORIS
turns guiltily, and puts the ashtray on the mantelpiece.
)

The trouble is there are no proper
employers
nowadays. Nobody who knows what's what. Those who have the money to employ servants don't appreciate what a good servant is.

DORIS
. (
Moving to the armchair Left Centre
) My dad says I ought to call myself a domestic help. (
She tidies the cushion on the armchair.
)

GUDGEON
. (
Moving above the sofa
) That's about all you are. (
He leans over the back of the sofa and tidies the cushions.
) Let me tell you, my girl, you're very lucky to be in a household where wine glasses are used in the proper way, and where the master and mistress appreciate highly technical skill. (
He moves to the chair down Right and tidies the cushion.
) There aren't many employers left who'd even notice if you went the wrong way round the table.

DORIS
. (
Moving to the fireplace
) I still think her ladyship does funny things. (
She picks up the full ashtray from the mantelpiece.
) Picking up that lobster, now.

GUDGEON
. (
Crossing below the sofa to Right of the armchair Left Centre
) Her ladyship is somewhat forgetful, not to say absentminded, but in this house I see to it that everything possible is done to spare her ladyship trouble and annoyance.

(
The sound of a motorcar horn is heard off.
)

(
He crosses to the drinks table, picks up the tea-cloth, then crosses to Left Centre and picks up
MIDGE
's suitcase.
) That will be Doctor and Mrs. Cristow. Go upstairs and be ready to help Simmonds with the unpacking.

DORIS
. (
Moving to the door Left and opening it
) Yes, Mr. Gudgeon. (
She starts to exit.
)

GUDGEON
. (
Reprovingly
) Ah-ah!

DORIS
. (
With a step back
)
Oh!
(
She holds the door open.
)

GUDGEON
. (
Crossing to the door Left
) Thank you.

(
A clock strikes seven. He exits Left.
DORIS
follows him off, leaving the door open.
)

(
After the fourth stroke. Off Left
) Good evening, sir.

JOHN
. (
Off Left
) Good evening, Gudgeon. How are you?

GUDGEON
. (
Off Left
) Good evening, madam. Very well, thank you, sir.

GERDA
. (
Off Left
). Good evening, Gudgeon.

(
GUDGEON
enters Left and ushers in
JOHN
and
GERDA
CRISTOW
.
JOHN
is a good-looking man of thirty-eight with a dynamic personality, but is somewhat brusque in manner.
GERDA
is timid and rather stupid. She carries an arty leather handbag.
)

GUDGEON
. (
As he enters
) Will you come through, madam.

GERDA
(
Crossing to Left Centre
) Very warm, still.

GUDGEON
. Still very warm, madam. I hope you had a pleasant drive down.

(
JOHN
crosses to Centre.
)

GERDA
. Yes, thank you.

GUDGEON
. (
Closing the door
) I think her ladyship is in the garden, sir. (
He crosses to Right
) I'll inform her that you've arrived.

JOHN
. Thank you, Gudgeon.

(
GUDGEON
exits Right.
)

(
He goes out on to the terrace up Centre and looks off Left
) Mm, wonderful to get out of town into this.