The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (4 page)

Myth: Introverted children are self-absorbed.

Fact:
While it’s true that introverts are focused on their own thoughts and feelings, they are also extremely interested in learning about
other people’s
thoughts and feelings. And they are very tolerant of those who are different. It’s ironic that introverts are thought of as self-absorbed. Studies show that innies work more cooperatively in groups than do extroverts. Extroverts are often thought of as “people persons” because they like to be around others. But this is often because they need to be around people to feel good—not necessarily because they like or are interested in them.

Detecting Introversion Early On

“
Every adult needs a child to teach; it’s the way adults learn.” —Frank A. Clark

Temperament tends to show up early in children. Studies show that most children remain true to the temperament pattern they first exhibit beginning around four months of age.

Think about what your child was like as an infant and see where you would place her on the “Hundred Acre Wood” scale. The characters from
Winnie-the-Pooh
are enduring icons in part because they represent familiar human behavior patterns. Was your child bouncy like Tigger? Nervous like Piglet? Focused on food like Pooh? Calm like Christopher Robin? Or was he a quiet observer like Owl?

Who’d Have Thunk It?

Researchers (who have lots of time on their hands, I suppose) have found that when a drop of lemon juice is placed on their tongue, introverted children release more saliva than extroverted children do.

How to Spot an Innie or an Outie

Does your child
…

• Speak softly, and occasionally pause to hunt for words?

• Act quiet in many situations, but may be chatty in comfortable surroundings?

• Feel tired after social outings and need time to recharge in quiet?

• Look and sound hesitant at times?

• Stand a bit away from the action and observe?

• Enter new situations slowly?

• Have one or two good friends and regard others as acquaintances?

• Look disinterested, glazed over, or overwhelmed at times?

• Stop talking if interrupted?

• Hold her body still when out in public and have an expression that doesn’t reveal emotion?

• Look away when speaking but make good eye contact when listening?

• Clam up if tired, overwhelmed, or uncomfortable?

If so, your child may be more introverted
.

Does your child
…

• Talk with a snappy patter and loud voice—even more so if nervous?

• Like to switch subjects often?

• Have the capacity to sound like he knows more than he does about a subject?

• Stand close to the person he’s talking to?

• Interrupt conversations?

• Look away when listening?

• Use a lot of facial expressions and body language?

• Glaze over when you talk in long sentences or about a subject in depth?

• Walk away if a conversation goes on for too long?

• Think of most people as friends?

• Jump into new situations easily?

• Feel charged up after stimulating activities?

• Complain or feel drained if he spends too much time alone?

If so, your child is more extroverted
.

Let’s peek in on little baby Oliver. He watches and seems to be studying his family and his surroundings with intense, dark eyes. He appears to take in everything; you can almost see the little wheels turning in his brain. He doesn’t move his arms and legs as much as some babies do, especially when he’s in an unfamiliar environment. Sometimes he is hard to read. What does he need? He is usually calm, but may explode into tears without warning and can be hard to soothe. He likes a routine and can be upset by too many changes. When he is given too many toys or exposed to lots of strange, new faces, he may appear withdrawn, fall asleep, cry, or become clingy.
When things are noisy or everyone is rushing around, he may startle at noises. He is cautious; he may not reach for a new toy right away.

At other ages, an introverted temperament can reveal itself in different ways. For example, a toddler may be slow to warm up to a new situation. In preschool, she may be slow to talk to people that she’s not particularly relaxed around. In elementary school, an innie may not speak up in class unless she knows the subject well. A middle school innie might like to work and play alone more than other kids do. An introvert in high school might start dating later and might choose to do other things, such as driving, later as well.

Realizing how your introverted child has been contending with extroverted expectations since babyhood can help you appreciate what he’s been up against. The chances are you’ve been adjusting your behavior to accommodate your innie since day one. But you may also have been pushing him in certain ways, because that’s what you thought he needed. Identifying your child’s temperament increases understanding and reduces power struggles and frustration on all sides. Temperament determines so much—from what excites you to how you communicate to how you handle conflicts. And it starts so early.

Is Your Child Introverted? A Quiz

Where does your child fall on the introvert/extrovert spectrum? (And where do you?) Answer True or False to the following statements (True if it generally applies, False if it generally doesn’t), then add up your True answers to find out.

My child:

1
. Is energized by time alone in her room or favorite place.

2
. Concentrates deeply if a book or project interests him.

3
. Dislikes being interrupted when speaking or involved in a project; rarely interrupts others.

4
. Prefers to observe for a while before joining in games.

5
. Becomes irritable in crowded places or if she shares a space with others for long periods of time, particularly if she is tired.

6
. Listens attentively with good eye contact, but his glance tends to drift away when speaking.

7
. Keeps her face and body still or shows little expression, especially if tired or in a large group of children.

8
. Sometimes has delayed, hesitant, or low-key responses.

9
. Needs time to think before answering a question and may need to rehearse before speaking out.

10
. Listens more than he talks, unless the topic is of personal interest. In this case, he may talk up a storm, especially if he’s in a comfortable setting.

11
. Doesn’t boast about her knowledge or achievements; she may understand more than she lets on.

12
. Feels overwhelmed, rather than energized, by an activity-filled schedule.

13
. Sometimes has word-retrieval problems and often speaks in a quiet voice, marked by pauses.

14
. Is highly tuned into her own perceptions, ideas, thoughts, feelings, and reactions.

15
. Doesn’t like to be the center of attention.

16
. Can seem unpredictable: chatty at home or in other comfortable settings and subdued elsewhere; energized one day, low energy the next.

17
. May be regarded by classmates as quiet, calm, withdrawn, reserved, or aloof.

18
. Is observant and sometimes picks up on details others—even adults—don’t see.

19
. Likes consistency, and does best when given ample transition time.

20
. Feels anxious when presented with deadlines for a project or a test.

21
. May “zone out” if too much is going on, or when watching TV or a video.

22
. Has one or two close friends, but may know lots of kids.

23
. Has an affinity for creative expression and quiet, imaginative play.

24
. Feels drained after parties or group activities, even when she enjoyed them.

Add up the True answers. If you tally between:

17–24 Trues
: Your child is introverted. It is extremely important to understand how to help keep his energy flowing. He will need to conserve energy and spend it wisely in the outside world, and likely will need your help learning to do this. It’s also important to show that you understand and accept his temperament.

9–16 Trues
: Your child falls in the middle range. Like being able to use her right and left hand, your child is both introverted and extroverted. She may feel torn between needing to be alone and wanting to be out and about. Try to assess when she feels energized by outside activities and when she needs quiet time by herself to recharge, so that you can help her develop a schedule that is best for her.

1–8 Trues
: Your child is extroverted. He is energized by people, activities, and things. Try to keep him busy, but also help teach him to value downtime and reflection.

If you’re still not sure if the child (or any person) you are thinking about is an innie or an outie, ask yourself
: Does he need to reduce stimulation by creating time alone (or with a special person) or to reflect in quiet in order to feel refreshed
most of the time?
If so, he is more introverted. It’s not that innies don’t enjoy being with people; it’s just that they need time alone. Likewise, if a person tends to withdraw under stress, he is probably more introverted. If your child is generally peppy and craves outside activity with or without people most of the time, she is probably more extroverted.

The Heart of the Matter

•
Introversion and extroversion are both normal temperaments
.

•
Innies and outies often respond in different ways to the same situation
.

•
Parenting becomes easier when you understand your own temperament and your child’s
.

CHAPTER 2
Innies and Outies Are Hardwired

Brain Physiology Creates Introverted and Extroverted Temperaments

“
All the world’s a laboratory to the inquiring mind.” —Martin Fisher

Four-year-old twins Joshua and Rachel return home with their mother after being picked up at preschool. “He-llo!” Joshua calls out as Mom opens the front door. “Daddy, Daddy, we’re here!” Rachel yells. The children are excited because Dad’s home for lunch. They dash into the living room, only to stop dead in their tracks at the sight of a tall man they don’t know standing before them. Smiling, their father tells them he has an unexpected guest—one of his old school chums is in town. Joshua stands still, looking down at his shoes. He backs up a bit as Rachel rushes forward and asks, “What’s your name?” Joshua begins circling the edge of the room, taking peeks at the stranger. He watches Dad, Mom, and Rachel talking with the friendly man. After a moment, Joshua ventures over to perch on his father’s knee. Soon they’re all laughing.

Why the different reactions? In researching my first book,
The Introvert Advantage
, I pored over thousands of studies in psychology, physiology, and neuroscience, and interviewed hundreds of innies. The conclusion I came to as to why two people respond so differently to the same situation is that their brains and bodies are “wired” differently. Specifically, introverts’ and extroverts’ hardwiring differs in two important ways: 1) the first wiring “fork” in the brain sends innies and outies down two separate
neurotransmitter pathways;
and 2) introverts and extroverts use two different
sides of the nervous system
. Since then, exciting new research in neuroscience not only validates my original notion, but is expanding our understanding of the physiology of introverts and extroverts.

Elements of Temperament Design

“
Ages coil within
The minute Circumference
Of a single Brain. …” —Emily Dickinson

Children show distinct temperamental tendencies from day one, but whether these tendencies are truly innate or are mainly a product of upbringing has long been a matter of debate. Now neuroscience has given us an answer to the age-old question of “nature vs. nurture,” and that answer is yes … and yes. Yes, children are born with an innate temperament. And yes, parents are vitally important to how that temperament is nurtured.

Numerous scientific studies have shown that some traits, such as the degree to which one is extroverted or introverted, are highly influenced by genetic history. Furthermore, introversion and extroversion are among the most stable and heritable of the personality traits studied. In other words, Aesop was right all those centuries ago: Some children are speedy and impulsive like the hare, and others are slower and steadier like the tortoise.

But just how do genes create an innie child? Let’s find out.

Jolt Juices

Jerome Kagan, a Harvard researcher and coauthor of
The Long Shadow of Temperament
, says that brain biochemistry plays a big role in temperament. Everyone has brain chemicals and over sixty neurotransmitters—at least that’s how many have been identified so far—but each child’s genes will determine his or her own special blend of neurotransmitters.