The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (3 page)

A Matter of Energy

The main difference between the introverted child and her extroverted counterpart is in how she derives, spends, and conserves energy. Each of us finds certain situations energizing and others enervating. The introverted child draws energy from within. She needs to have access to her thoughts, feelings, and perceptions in order to have
a sense of vitality and equilibrium. Too much external stimulation—activity, noise, chatter—is depleting to her and leaves her feeling drained. By contrast, the extroverted child is energized by the outside world. She’s happiest when she’s surrounded by lots of people and plenty of action. The extrovert is wearied by too much quiet or solitude.

I think of introverts as energy
conservers
, like rechargeable batteries that need “down time” to restore their reserves. Extroverts are energy
spenders
. Their motto is “Go, go, go.” Both introverted and extroverted children need to balance their natural tendencies. An innie needs to engage with the outside world so as not to lose confidence or lose himself in his own head. Without some periods of relaxation and contemplation, an outie can find himself spinning his wheels.

All people possess the neurological systems to function in both introverted and extroverted ways. If your child didn’t have this capacity, she wouldn’t be able to know what was happening inside of her or be able to stay tuned to the outside world. Systems in the body are like teeter-totters: If one side is up, the other is down. All systems in the body have an “on” switch to give us some get-up-and-go. They also have an “off” switch, to put on the brakes. One side revs up a child for action. The other calms her down for restoration. A thoughtful parent can help children 1) learn how to renew their energy, and 2) achieve some balance of internal and external stimulation.

Where Did the Idea of Introversion Come From?

“
To plant a seed is a hopeful deed.” —Anonymous

Throughout time, people have attempted to explain the puzzle of temperament. The Greeks in the age of Hippocrates noticed that behavior tended to fall into clusters or patterns. They concluded that this was due to the presence or absence of certain fluids in the
body and the brain. They settled on four yucky, but visceral, substances called
humors
: blood, phlegm, yellow bile, and black bile. They linked these with the four elements (fire, water, air, and earth, respectively) and determined that temperament and illness were related to how well balanced these four humors/elements were in the body. Early observers of human nature noted that some people are externally focused, impulsive, and fast-paced, while others are internally focused, persistent, and slower-paced. This difference in temperament is illustrated in the Greek writer Aesop’s classic fable
The Tortoise and the Hare
. As you probably remember, the hare and the tortoise decide to have a race. Hare is speedy and overconfident about his prospects. He knows he can win easily, so he goofs off and takes a rest. Tortoise just keeps plodding along and, to everybody’s surprise, wins the race. This universal tale reflects temperament differences that people noticed in ancient times.

The development of psychological testing in the mid-twentieth century confirmed that personality traits and tendencies are consistent and enduring—that, in short, they are part of who we are. Other aspects of temperament that are studied include: being openminded vs. closed-minded; feeling vs. thinking; neurotic vs. mentally healthy; irritable vs. easygoing; and aggressive vs. cooperative. Such tests as the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI), the California Psychological Inventory (CPI), and the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) are administered by the millions in schools, businesses, and clinical settings. However, recognizing that temperament exists is one thing, but understanding where it comes from is another.

Today we know that the Greeks were on the right track in connecting the brain and the body when it comes to temperament. Genes influence the way our brains are organized. And the way our brains are organized—the chemicals, circuitry, and the parts that dominate—influences the way our bodies react and respond. The results are the various temperaments that manifest themselves in children’s behavior.

The different hardwiring for introverted and extroverted children result in vital differences in:

•
How they process information
. Innies use a longer brain pathway that integrates unconscious and complex information. As a result, processing information requires more time than it does for extroverts. But innies are also able to incorporate more emotional and intellectual content relevant to the new data.

•
How their bodies function
. It is harder for introverts to get their bodies moving since they predominate on the side of the nervous system that requires conscious thought. In other words, they have to make a conscious decision: “Move body!”

•
The memory system they use
. Innies more often use their long-term memory than their short-term memory. This affords them a wealth of material, but it takes time to retrieve and reconstruct bits of memory from storage banks located all around the brain.

•
How they behave
. Innies tend to be hesitant in unfamiliar situations. They may freeze or shut down in emergency situations.

•
How they communicate
. Innies speak after collecting, processing, and drawing conclusions about their thoughts and feelings.

•
Where they focus their attention
. Introverts are highly observant and tend to delve deep into what interests them.

•
How their energy is restored
. Innies need a low-stimulation environment in order to recharge.

What Introversion Isn’t

Introverts have been misunderstood for as long as the term has existed. In a sense, the concept of introversion itself was “switched at birth.” In the early 1900s, Carl Jung, Alfred Adler, and Sigmund Freud, all noted psychoanalysts and original thinkers, were working together. Jung came up with his theory about personality types and coined the terms
introvert
and
extravert
based on observing Freud’s
and Adler’s opposing views of their patients’ symptoms. To Jung, Adler focused on the internal world of the patient while Freud stressed the external world and its effects. Jung called Adler’s inward focus
introverted
and Freud’s outward orientation
extraverted
(now often spelled with an o). Jung thought both points of reference were appropriate and that each orientation reflected healthy, inborn temperaments.

Then the three men had a falling-out. Freud, the most prominent, was angry with Jung and Adler for disputing his ideas. Knowing both men were introverts, he began to write about introversion in a negative light, altering its definition to mean “being too preoccupied with the self,” “avoiding the world,” and “narcissistic.” Since Freud was so widely read and studied, this negative connotation and misconception of the term
introvert
became accepted. Unfortunately, this misunderstanding of the term persists today. (Adler, by the way, later conceived the breakthrough theory of the “inferiority complex,” which was similarly discounted by Freud.)

In this age of burgeoning brain research, there is a lot of confusion and disagreement about such terms as
shyness, social anxiety, high sensitivity, autism and Asperger’s syndrome, sensory integration dysfunction, dyslexia
, and disorders such as ADD (attention deficit disorder) and ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder), along with other problems that affect children’s lives. Introversion may be mentioned in connection with some of these conditions, many of which are not well understood. What we do know is that they are by no means limited to introverts. Some researchers wonder if these conditions should even be looked at as syndromes or types of dysfunction as opposed to merely the far side of the normal brain continuum. Perhaps this focus on children’s brain function is a result of the expectations we place on children today. Perhaps they simply reflect different ways brains take in and give out information. What these conditions seem to share is a lack of integration and excessive over-or under-functioning of a brain or body system.

The disorders I’ve mentioned involve the major processing systems in the body. These include the attentional system, arousal system, sensory input pathways, autonomic nervous system, motivational systems, and the emotions. The genetic disposition toward introversion or extroversion affects many of these systems, which may be why introversion is often conflated or confused with these particular conditions in children. However, it is important to recognize introversion for what it is—and
only
for what it is—so as not to pathologize the introverted child.

To clarify what introversion is—and what it is not—let’s correct some myths about introverts.

Myth: Introverted children are shy.

Fact
: Introversion is frequently confused with shyness. The misunderstanding here stems from thinking about introversion only in terms of socializing. Being an introvert affects a child’s overall temperament and thus affects all areas of his life. These traits may determine how an introvert
prefers
to socialize. However, while an innie’s social behavior may look like shyness, it is not the same.

Unlike introversion, shyness is not related to energy needs or enjoying different forms of socializing. A shy person can be just as uncomfortable with one person as in a large group. One key difference between shyness and introversion is how information is processed in social situations. Shy kids feel anticipatory anxiety. They check out the other children and anticipate negative reactions. An introvert may anticipate a negative
experience
—because she doesn’t want to socialize—but not necessarily a negative response. Shy people
want
to be more social, but they are anxious in social situations and may think others don’t like them. Both introverts and extroverts can be shy.

Shyness is a nearly universal experience; at one time or another, almost all of us have felt shy. Still, clearly some people are shyer than others. There may be a genetic component, but it is usually greatly influenced by environment and experience. Shy children have a
debilitating fear of humiliation, embarrassment, and criticism. They may also be inhibited, wary of strangers, and timid in situations where there is a risk of failure. Teachers, family members, and peers may react poorly to shy children. Often they are rejected, teased, picked on, or neglected. Unfortunately, such negative experiences can reinforce their fears and their belief that others don’t like them.

Some May Confuse Introversion with Other Childhood Problems

Over the years, I have found that introversion can be confused with certain other childhood disorders in the public eye. In most cases, however, innies are no more vulnerable to these problems than are outies. These problems include:

•
Sensory integration dysfunction

•
High sensitivity

•
ADD and ADHD spectrum

•
Autism and Asperger’s syndrome

•
Social anxiety and other anxiety disorders

For more about these issues and how they differ from introversion, see Appendix: Syndromes and Disorders That Are Sometimes Confused with Introversion on
page 279
.

Leading shyness expert Bernardo Carducci distinguishes between introversion and shyness in his book,
The Shyness Breakthrough: A No-Stress Plan to Help Your Child Warm Up, Open Up, and Join the Fun:
“Introverts are not necessarily shy. They have social skills and self-esteem necessary for interacting successfully with others but simply require privacy to recharge their batteries and they actually enjoy solitude. Shy people want to be noticed, liked, and accepted but they lack the skills and the thoughts, feelings, and attitudes that could help them manage social interaction.”

An introverted child can’t change her basic hardwiring. However, tendencies toward shyness can be significantly reduced through increasing self-esteem, learning social skills, and minimizing fear and anxiety. If your innie is leaning toward shyness, you can help her manage and reduce it. Explain to your shy child the difference between shyness and introversion. Let her know you will try to help her learn to feel more comfortable in social situations. Do your best to model relaxed, friendly behavior toward people you are meeting for the first time. After your innie watches you, she may feel more confident interacting with her own peers.

Myth: Introverted children are not friendly.

Fact:
Introverts may be quite friendly. They just may not be in an ideal position to express it in every situation. For instance, Matthew, our prototypical ten-year-old innie who opened this chapter, is extremely friendly. He loves to talk to people—once he knows them. In the school gym where he is overwhelmed by the noise and the crowd, he is not likely to seem very forthcoming. But if you catch him at home or if you express an interest in animals he will be quite gregarious.

Parents can help create bridges for their innie by helping other people understand his or her way of being friendly, and by creating scenarios that allow their child to express that friendliness.

Myth: Introverted children are not interested in other people.

Fact:
Introverted children are
very
interested in other people. They simply can’t take in too much all at once. Introverts most enjoy being with other people when they can learn a lot about them, one-on-one. That was the ticket for me when I was young. I had trouble socializing in a group, but I came alive when people, particularly my attentive teachers, spoke to me one-on-one. I was captivated by their stories and experiences, and it showed. Introverts are excellent listeners—largely because they’re genuinely interested in what other people have to say and thus really listen.