But suddenly the fear was there again, making her struggle free.
“That’s the sort of thing Dan said,’ she cried. ‘And it was all a lie. No, leave me alone.’
‘But I want to marry you. I
have
to. I won’t give up.’
‘Do you know how much like your father you sound when you say that? He announces what he wants and everyone has to fall in line.’
‘I’m not my father, and I’m not like him. I’m not doing this to please him. I think I’ve wanted to marry you for a long time.’
‘How long? Was that in your mind on my wedding day, when you drove my groom away? Has that been the truth all the time?’
‘Don’t say that. Don’t even think it.’
‘Why shouldn’t I say it? You’ve as good as admitted it.’
‘No!’
‘That’s been the truth all the time, hasn’t it? You wanted me so you manipulated everything to get me. I trusted you. I relied on you. I felt I could turn to you. But you’ve never really been the man I thought you were.’
‘If that’s what you truly think of me,’ he said, ‘then I’ve been wasting my time. We’ve both been deceived in each other.’
He drew a long, rasping breath.
‘I’d better go. If I stay any longer I could start to hate you as much as I love you.’
‘Yes, go—
go!
’
He stepped back to the door, opened it, and then paused to say quietly, ‘I’ve never loved anyone in my life as much as I love you. When I understood that it was like the sun coming out in the universe. I felt that nothing could ever be the same again. And it won’t be. But I didn’t realise it would be like this. Goodbye, Freya. I hope that somehow you find the good life that I can’t give you.’
The door closed.
Freya reached out her hands towards it, but stopped, drew back, and threw herself on the bed in a passion of sobs.
* * *
Again she had a sense of history repeating itself. After Dan’s desertion she’d set herself to build a new life. Now she was rebuilding again, but she knew that Jackson had not deserted her. It was she who had deserted him.
The thought of his pain broke her heart, but she knew she’d had no choice. Something wasn’t right between them, and until she understood it and dealt with it there was no way of going forward.
In her darkest moments she feared that there never would be a way.
She tried to distract herself by concentrating on business, learning something new from Marcel and Cassie every day. They both acclaimed her as a splendid pupil.
‘I think life as a businesswoman might well suit you,’ Marcel observed one evening. ‘You’ve got the shrewdness and clear sight, plus a good head for figures. And you’re not easily taken in.’
‘You mean I saw through Pierre and the other men who thought they could seduce me and part me from my money?’
‘Yes, it was wonderful watching you,’ Cassie chuckled.
‘They were easy to see through,’ Freya said with a shrug. ‘Mind you, most men are.’
‘Stick with that belief,’ Marcel told her. ‘You’ll end up as a millionaire.’
They all laughed.
He was about to refill their glasses when the phone rang.
‘Who can that be at this time of night? Hello? Leonid! Good to hear from you. What’s that? Congratulations! How is Perdita? Fantastic!’
‘Has she had the baby?’ Cassie asked eagerly.
‘Yes. It’s a girl. Mother and daughter are doing fine.’
‘Wonderful!’ Freya and Cassie exclaimed, throwing their arms around each other.
After a few more minutes Marcel hung up.
‘We’re all invited to the christening,’ he said.
‘Lovely!’ Cassie cried. ‘I’ve always wanted to see Moscow. Oh, Freya, won’t that be exciting?’
‘Thrilling,’ she agreed.
It would be good to see Jackson. Things might never again be right between them, but she needed to see his face, watch his eyes, discover the future.
The next day she returned to Monte Carlo, to discover Janine in an edgy mood.
‘I hoped things would be better between you and Amos by now,’ she ventured.
‘He plays the devoted husband, but I’m not fooled. You only have to look at how eager he is to go to Moscow.’
‘But of course. He’s going to be a grandfather,’ Freya argued. ‘The world’s going to have another Falcon.’ She struck a theatrical attitude. ‘An addition to a great dynasty. He must be basking in it.’
‘Oh, yes,’ Janine sighed. ‘And if it was just that I wouldn’t mind. But I can’t help thinking about Varushka, Leonid’s mother.’
‘I thought she was dead.’
‘She is. She died six months ago, and he made a dash to Russia to be there at her bedside to say goodbye.’
‘But doesn’t he still have some business interests over there? He was probably visiting anyway.’
‘No. We were planning a few days away, to celebrate my birthday, but he suddenly announced that he had to go to Russia urgently. He dashed off the same day and was gone nearly a week. He said it was business, but the day after he got back there was an e-mail from Leonid, thanking him for being there to say goodbye to Varushka. Of course I wasn’t supposed to see it, and he doesn’t know that I did. But he’s never mentioned her—just told me a pack of lies.’
‘But, Mum, it doesn’t mean that he loved her. It was probably for Leonid’s sake.’
‘Yes, his sons are more important to him than anyone else,’ Janine agreed wryly. ‘More important than wives.’
‘Did he ever make it up to you for your birthday?’
‘He would claim that he did. I got a diamond necklace, but we didn’t go away. Taking a trip involves time and work, but necklaces are easy.’ She added ironically, ‘As I have reason to know.’
‘Hathor,’ Freya said, remembering that night in Edfu.
‘Yes, it makes you wonder if that’s how Horus bought her off.’ She gave a wry smile. ‘I’m sure Hathor always said the right thing to keep him happy. That’s what one learns to do.’
‘I’m not so sure. Some of us never learn to do that.’
‘You’ll learn with Jackson.’
‘Will I? I don’t think so. I guess I’m too clumsy.’
‘You just need practice. It’s lucky he’ll be there in Russia.’
‘Yes,’ Freya murmured. ‘He will, won’t he?’
CHAPTER TWELVE
L
EONID
HANDLED
ALL
the arrangements for their trip to Russia. First they would go to the little town of Rostov, for the christening. Then they would spend a few days in Moscow, celebrating.
The flight for Russia left from Nice Airport. Amos, Janine and Freya began the journey by staying overnight in Nice, where they were joined by Cassie and Marcel.
‘Since the baby was born in Moscow, why isn’t it being christened there?’ Marcel wanted to know as they all shared a drink in the evening.
‘Rostov was his mother’s home,’ Cassie said. ‘He just managed to tell her about the baby before she died, and he wants to christen it in the church where she’s buried.’
‘Fancy Leonid being sentimental!’ Marcel exclaimed.
‘Hush,’ Freya urged quietly. ‘Don’t let my mother hear you.’
‘Surely she’s not troubled by Varushka?’ Marcel said. ‘Not after all the other women our father’s had?’
It was Cassie who silenced him with a finger over her lips. She drew him away with an understanding smile for Freya, who mouthed
Thank you
.
She was relieved to see that Janine was contentedly drinking coffee. She wasn’t pleased about going to Rostov, but she hadn’t said so to Amos. To Freya’s eyes she had seemed to settle into calm resignation.
Jackson wasn’t there. He was coming from London and would arrive after everyone else. She wondered how they would meet. Would he try to avoid her? Could she blame him if he did?
Next day they travelled to Rostov, where Leonid and Perdita were waiting to welcome them with open arms. That evening there was a merry party in the hotel.
Except for Jackson, everyone was now there. The Falcon brothers missed no chance to get together as a family, and this was the first occasion since Freya’s aborted wedding. She recalled Jackson once saying that he felt especially close to Darius, the eldest. Of Amos’s five sons they were the only two who shared a mother as well as a father.
She liked Darius, and had been enchanted by Harriet, the wife he’d met on Herringdean, the island that had become his in payment of a debt. Everyone had expected him to sell up as soon as possible and return to his life as a business magnate. But with Harriet’s help he’d become enchanted by island life and now he was settled there for ever, with her and the child she had borne him.
Harriet saw her first and waved. Freya waved back and rushed to join her.
Both Harriet and Darius regarded Freya sympathetically.
‘How’s life treating you since the wedding?’ Harriet asked gently.
‘Everything’s fine,’ Freya said cheerfully.
‘Isn’t Amos making your life a misery, trying to tie you to Jackson? He’s the only son left.’
‘No chance. Jackson and I would never suit each other. We’re both too set in our ways.’
‘Set in your ways?’ Marcel echoed. ‘Him? You?’
‘Jackson doesn’t like being said no to. And I’m an awkward customer who likes saying no. Just think how miserable I’d make him.’
‘You mean you think he’s too like Amos?’ Harriet ventured.
‘I’ve heard people say that.’
‘I know he’s inherited Amos’s forcefulness,’ Harriet agreed. ‘But there’s a side of him that he doesn’t show too often. He’s drawn to people who need his protection.’
Freya nodded. She had reason to know that.
‘And not just people,’ Harriet added.
‘I don’t understand.’
‘At one time he used to do nature documentaries. I remember him coming to Herringdean to shoot a programme about our wildlife, and there was a baby seal who’d got stranded in an awkward place. Jackson became his guardian and protector. He said the seal’s mother would be looking for him, and he must be taken care of until she arrived. He settled down beside him and stayed there for two days and nights, waiting for the mother to come searching for her baby. He said he wasn’t going to let her find a dead body.
‘He refused to move away, even to eat. Darius and I used to take food to him, otherwise he’d have starved. And he wouldn’t let anyone film them in case the baby was upset, so we had to keep the crew away as well. I remember we stayed with him one night, and he was so gentle and loving with that little creature. In the end the mother arrived and Jackson carried her baby to her.
‘The boss was furious that he wouldn’t let the cameras get near him. Everyone thought Jackson would seize the wonderful publicity it would give him. But all he cared about was that helpless little creature. When it was all over the boss fired him and he had to find another job. That’s how he came to be working for Dan.’
‘He never told me,’ Freya breathed.
‘He doesn’t talk about that side of himself. I think he’s afraid it will make him sound like a softie.’
‘What’s wrong with being a softie?’ Freya demanded with a touch of indignation.
‘Nothing. I agree. I think he’s always been a bit embarrassed about having a sweet nature in case it makes Amos ashamed of him. But you could say that it’s another aspect of being a bully.’
‘What?’
‘The instinct to take command and override any opposition. A nasty bully says, “I’m taking charge and you’ll do what I say. No argument.” A nice bully says, “I’m taking charge and I’m going to protect you, whatever you say, and woe betide anyone who tries to stop me. Even you.”’
‘Yes,’ Freya murmured. ‘Oh, yes....’
A scene was playing out in her memory. Suddenly she was back in the time when she’d first discovered why Dan had fled and Jackson had concealed the worst facts from her. She’d flown at him in fury and he’d tried to defend himself, pleading, ‘You’re saying I was wrong to try protect you from more pain? I failed, but I still think I was right to try.’
‘You’re so sure you know best,’ she’d raged.
‘That’s why people do things. Because they think it’s right.’
He’d taken the blame for Dan’s behaviour as few men would have done. She’d attacked him, despised him, frozen him out, and he’d endured it all as the price of protecting her. When she’d relented just a little he’d offered her his love.
Was this man a bully?
Or a guardian angel?
Or both?
Another memory returned: Larry telling her about the fight Jackson had had with a production company. He’d won, but at the cost of his job, which was how he’d come to work for Dan. Nobody knew the details, but it was spoken of as proof of Jackson’s toughness, his determination to impose his own will.
‘But it was this,’ she murmured. ‘Protecting a baby seal. Who would believe it? Except me. I’d believe it, because he protected
me
.’
She’d accused him of being driven only by guilt, and he’d never denied that he was troubled about the part he’d played. But there was more. He was a man who reached out to creatures in pain because he yearned to be needed. And perhaps some of that need was rooted in the unhappy childhood about which he’d confided in her and no one else.
She had struggled to understand him and thought she’d succeeded. But she had failed. If she’d seen as deeply into his heart as she now did she would have drawn closer, perhaps close enough to be the woman he longed for and needed.
She slipped away as soon as possible. Now she needed to be alone—to think about the way the world had changed yet again.
Once in her room she paced back and forth, tormented by the knowledge that what she wanted most in life was slipping away from her—and it was her own doing. Would she ever see Jackson again?
There was a knock on her door. Reluctantly she opened it, ready to drive away whoever dared to intrude on her sadness. Then she gasped.
Stunned, she stared at Jackson, trying to believe what she was seeing. His face was tense, almost haggard. Where was the confident Jackson? Who was this man with an air of hesitancy, almost defeat?
She had a feeling that at an unfriendly word from her he would turn tail and run, and she knew an impulse to reach out and say kindly,
It’s all right. I’ll take care of everything.
Instead she said simply, ‘Come in.’
He hesitated, and she guessed the memory of their last meeting was still vivid in his mind. She took his hand and drew him into her room.
‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘I won’t trouble you long. There are things I must say, and then I’ll go and not bother you again. But I beg you to hear me out first.’
‘You don’t have to beg me.’
He answered not in words but with a wry smile that reminded her of all that had happened between them.
‘You don’t,’ she repeated. ‘What can I do for you, Jackson?’
‘I’ve come to do something for you—something I hope will make you glad.’ He drew a long breath. ‘Dan has been in touch with me.’
She waited for the leap of her heart that this news would once have given her. But nothing happened.
‘He wants me to do a few programmes for him,’ Jackson continued.
‘But surely you’re under contract to Larry’s firm?’
‘Partly, but I can still do some freelance projects. I’ve had a couple of meetings with Dan, but they weren’t very productive about work. All he can talk about is you.’
‘Tell him not to worry. I’m not coming after him with a shotgun.’
‘He’s not worried about that. He’s more concerned about coming after you with a wedding ring.’
‘That’s a very bad joke.’
‘It’s not a joke. He keeps bringing the conversation around to you. He’s realised what a big mistake he’s made.’
Freya stepped back and regarded him, trying to read his face. But it was unreadable. Inside herself the reaction to Dan’s name was the same as before. Nothing.
‘I think that’s really why he’s been in touch with me,’ Jackson continued. ‘He wants me to talk to you on his behalf.’
‘Then he’s got a hell of a nerve!’ she said indignantly.
‘Has he? I wonder...’
‘This makes no sense. If Dan wants to talk to me, why doesn’t he just call me?’
‘He’s afraid to. He thinks you’ll slam the phone down on him.’
‘Which I would.’
‘I don’t think so. Not at first anyway. You’d hang on a few minutes for the pleasure of hearing him crawl.’
‘Oh, yes, I’m known for my spite and vindictiveness.’
‘No, just for your ability to stand up to a man and refuse to take any nonsense. I know all about that from my own experience. But Dan doesn’t want to put a foot wrong.’
‘Why not? He’s put everything else wrong.’
‘Yes, I told him that. He understands that he must do this the right way, and I promised to talk to you.’
‘Then you’re mad. I’m not in love with Dan—if I ever was. That’s over—finished. I’ve told you this before.’
‘Yes, you’ve told me this before—again and again. Maybe too often, as if you were trying to convince yourself.’
‘Perhaps in the beginning, but not now.’
That had only been her way of coping. At last she understood the difference between the shallow feelings Dan had inspired and the passionate love that had grown in her for Jackson.
‘Freya, listen to me. I’ve been thinking long and hard about why I never stood a chance of winning your love. And at last I know. I’d always suspected it, but I wouldn’t let myself face it because I couldn’t bear to. The fact is that you’ve never stopped loving Dan.’
‘Please—’
‘And he loves you. You can put the past right. Let me go back and tell him he has a chance.’
‘I don’t know how you can bring yourself to talk like this,’ she said in a fury. ‘
This
is all your protestations of love for me meant? How dare you?’
At once his temper rose in response to hers.
‘You stupid woman!’ he snapped. ‘Don’t you understand that I’m doing this because I
do
love you?’
‘Handing me over to another man?
‘A man you love as you could never love me. A man who can give you all the happiness that I can’t. I want you to have that happiness more than I’ve ever wanted anything in the world.’
The words were tender but his voice was harsh: the voice of a man determined to do things his way—even if he broke his own heart in the process.
Freya tried to speak, but now the tears were coming fast enough to choke her.
‘Perhaps I really am stupid,’ she said huskily. ‘But I can’t get my mind around this.’
His anger died. ‘It’s not your mind that needs to understand,’ he said quietly.
‘But my heart tells me that this is madness. Even if I believed in Dan’s love, that doesn’t change the kind of unreliable man he is.’
‘Your love can improve him, make him want to be better.’
‘And if it doesn’t?’
‘Then I’ll always help you in any way you want. I can go back to work for Dan, and if necessary I can knock some sense into him. And if you need someone to turn to I’ll always be there.’
She stared at him, stunned by the implications of what he was suggesting.
‘But you can’t do that,’ she whispered. ‘It would spoil your career, swallow up your life, leave you with nothing.’
‘I have nothing now,’ he said simply. ‘As for my life—it’s yours. You can’t send me away because I won’t go as long as there’s even a hint that you might need me. And if I can believe that you
don’t
need me, I’ll just wait until it happens again.’
She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Jackson, a determined, forceful man, was putting himself at her mercy. Now the mask was tossed aside, the armour removed. What was left was the real man—vulnerable, defenceless, unprotected, and above all content for her to know it.
‘Do you understand?’ he asked. ‘I belong to you and you can’t get rid of me.’ He gave a faint smile. ‘You see what a bully I am.’
‘Yes, the worst kind,’ she murmured, moving closer to him. ‘The kind who thinks he knows what’s best for someone else. You won’t listen when I tell you I don’t love Dan. But I don’t—and I’m going to force you to accept that, because I can be a bully too.’
A new look had come into his face. Confusion, mixed with hope and a little alarm, as though he feared to hope for too much.
She met his gaze, silently telling him what to believe.
‘My methods are ruthless,’ she said, ‘and by the time I’m finished you’ll have to believe me.’