The Complete Groupie Trilogy (23 page)

Vanni shared his concerns with me one night with a frustrated phone call, when his name was linked in the rag mags as being the deadbeat dad playing rock star when his former flame might be nine months pregnant and in another country. Nothing bothered him more than the perception he could be so irresponsible. I personally thought he just never wanted be known as a guy who could let anyone down.

He had cultivated a certain image, and that was as a sex god on the stage but a sensitive romantic hero through his songs. If Lourdes and Jasper managed to let the rumor stand unchallenged that he was the dad, it would blow his carefully crafted image all to hell. All the women who worshipped him would believe he was worse than just another guy, one that put his own best interest above anything else.

I don’t think anything scared him more than being associated with the likes of his dad.

So everyone had something to lose, whether the truth was told or concealed. My sympathy, of course, was with Vanni and with Athena. Jasper and Lourdes made their choices, and there were times when I thought it would have been better if the story just broke so everything could straighten itself out.

But I wasn’t in
charge of that part of the PR.

Jacob gave me a big hug when I arrived, and we headed up to our special seats in the balcony. Like the rest of the tour, both Kat and Wenonah were included in the show, doing some impressive pole work during the songs
under a blue laser light show.

Like the shows before he sang my song to the entire first row, and made each fan fall in love with him all over again. One reached out for a kiss which he deftly averted, offering his cheek instead. I knew I should be used to how bold they could be thinking that he belonged to them, especially since he had been expressly marketed for such. I was beginning to suspect, however, I’d never get used to it.

Jacob squeezed my hand in support, but I already knew what he was thinking. You couldn’t own someone who belonged to the whole world, and expecting anything else was self-destructive. No matter how he touched me when we were alone, or the whispers he’d drop in my ears – the Vanni the whole world got to see was community property.

We had a small window between the gig and the meet and greet, which was held at a nearby hotel. Many of the fans had booked rooms there at a discount, so all they had to do was simply go downstairs. For the rest of us it was a slight walk and even shorter cab ride. Jacob and I walked togeth
er, while the band took a limo.

“So what’s new with you?” I asked, feeling like a shit that wasn’t the first thing out of my mouth when I saw him. We spent entirely too little time together as it was, although he was a r
egular instant messaging buddy.

He just shrugged. “Dating this one guy but I don’t think it’s going to work. He has money, which is a nice plus, but he drinks like a fish. Sometimes I don’t even think I know anything about him because I don’t get more than ten minutes of sober time.”

I rubbed his arm. Jacob wasn’t necessarily looking for true love. But he was in his 30s and had decided that he was done with the dating scene. Like the rest of us he just wanted somewhere to belong, and two arms to go home to at night.

He grinned down at me. “How about you? Are you engaged yet?”

I laughed out loud. “You know the answer to that,” I said as I snuggled in the crook of his arm as we turned a corner. “Things are… okay. I mean, I think it’s good. Even though he’s so tired from the tour, it’s hard to get any quality time with him when I see him on the road.”

Jacob nodded. He understood. “I’m happy for you, Andy,” he said, and I knew he was sincere. Yet
I still sensed a “but” coming.

“But…?”

He sighed. “I just worry you’re spinning your wheels. This world isn’t normal on the best of occasions. I’d hate to see you invest any more time than necessary in someone who just can’t give the same back to you.”

I didn’t say anything. Jacob always believed the relationship I had with Vanni to be a fling. And in fact that was what he advised it to be. Still, I didn’t want to put an expiration date on it just yet. I still got butterflies when I thought about Vanni, and knowing I’d get to sleep next to him that night made my heart soar. Putting up with all the rest of it so far was worth those stolen moment
s when I had him all to myself.

I didn’t expect Jacob to understand.

“I love you,” I told him – which was code to say, “I appreciate your concern and I love you for it, but I’m going to do it my way for now.”

He nodded and then opened the door to the hotel.

There was already a line at the door for the meeting room where we were setting up the fan meet and greet. The throng of excited groupies chatted animatedly as they waited, and I could see they were counting the minutes until the band arrived.

Vanni dominated as far as female fans were concerned, but the other guys had their fair share of female admirers. Even Alana had mentioned a few problems Iain had on the road with those who wanted to hook up after a show. Unlike Vanni, Iain didn’t encourage this attention, and really kept to himself when they weren’t at a show or an organized event like this one. For that I envied Alana, whose relationship with I
ain was both strong and public.

I tried to ignore that pull in my gut that said it was because she knew he had chosen her that it was so strong. They could go public because he had no misgivings, no second thoughts – no desire to find something “better.”

Vanni had not yet made that decision, one that, if being honest with myself, I had.

I tried not to be jealous as I walked into the room and saw Alana laughing and busying herself with different tasks to help organize the event. She and Iris both skipped the concert. The only reason Jacob had gone was because I wanted to go.

It was my own real time to spend with Vanni, unlike Alana who lived with Iain. Iris and Jacob had no real desire to spend a lot of time with this specific band. There were scores of interesting people on their roster, and Iris’s was getting fuller by the day.

So they were able to invest their time on a part-time basis, whereas I only got to see the man I loved a handful of times a year. When he sang my songs, I wanted to be there. Even though he couldn’t sing directly to me anymore, it was an intimate moment just knowing our relationship had inspired such beautiful music.

I was definitely a fan, but I still refused the idea I was a groupie. I got too much in return from Vanni to be lumped in that group. It wasn’t that I denigrated the groupie status; that was fine if all you did was go to a show. Maybe that’s all they needed.

I wanted more. And his actions and his words had shown me I could have it.

I tingled just thinking about his hands on my body, his mouth against my skin.

I couldn’t wait for this M&G to be over.

Fifteen minutes later the doors opened and the crowd was allowed inside. Fifteen minutes after that the doors swung open and the band entered to deafening screams. Vanni brought up the rear, and by the time the fans saw him they were ready to shatter into a million pieces just from the anticipation alone.

I smiled as I stood on the sidelines, watching him work the room. Every now and then he’d send a smile my direction which would touch me like a physical caress. I wanted to get him home.

But the fans came first. They were the bosses. They paid his paycheck and he treated each one with due respect and consideration.

The fan who had kissed him in the front row at the concert grew fairly familiar as she stood next to him. She touched his arm, stood close enough to reach up and talk to him as he towered over her. She followed him around when he moved on to the next fan. He took it all in stride but I kept my eye on her for the rest of the evening, growing more concerned when I watched her keep him in her sights until onl
y a handful of people remained.

She inhaled him with her eyes, with a possessive look I knew she couldn’t claim. He hadn’t been attracted to her, and treated her well but not with any special flirty attention he bestowed on her friend.

She didn’t seem to take well to that.

When it became clear the stragglers were not going to leave until the band did, they bowed and said a general “goodnight” to everyone and no one in particular. As soon as they left I wanted to chase after Vanni, but I kept up appearances by helping the gang break down the room with the help of a cleaning crew.

Iris yawned as she put the last bit of trash in the big bin. “Well, that’s that. Until tomorrow.” She turned to me, “I’d ask you to go out for a drink but I have to be at work early. Rain check?”

“Of course,” I said as I gave her a hug. She let me off the hook. I had already planned a litany of excuses why I couldn’t join her and had to go straight back to the “hotel,” which just so happened to be the one where we stood.

I bid my goodbyes and waited for them to go, enviously watching Alana leave with Iain. He put his arm around her tiny waist as though she were the most prized possession he owned. It sounded so archaic, yet romantic.

I sighed as I headed outside to hail a cab.

It was after 1:00 a.m. when I let myself into Vanni’s apartment. I tiptoed quietly into the bedroom, where he lay sprawled naked on top of the covers. Was that how he always slept? Or was he waiting for me?

With a grin I slithered out of my clothes and left them in a careless heap on the floor. I slid into bed beside him, and ran a hand lovingly up his muscular thigh.

He groaned as he turned to me, slightly waking. “Hey, you,” he whispered with a sleepy smirk.

“Hey,” I re
plied as I cuddled next to him.

He rolled me onto my back and his hair spilled down over one shoulder. He hadn’t been much on words since I got into town, using his body instead to convey his affection and desire. I followed suit and reached up to kiss him, to show him I still wanted him as much as I ever did.

He fit himself in between my legs, going a bit faster than what we were used to, but I assumed that had more to do with his being so tired. So I just did my part to grind against him and kiss him deep while he took off like a rocket in three minutes flat.

He collapsed against me and breathed hard against my neck. It slowed almost immediately and I knew he had fallen asleep. I lay there physically frustrated and emotionally void. That was the least romantic of all our encounters, and I almost felt like he had used me just to release himself.

He even turned away from me, denying me some serious cuddle time that always used to follow our lovemaking.

Instead he snored softly from where he lay facing the wall.

I had to count backward from 100 to stop the raging hormones.

He’d make it up to me
, I thought. He always did.

He was already gone by the time I woke up the following morning. I propped up on my elbows with a sigh and looked around the room. This was a far cry from the last time I stayed in this room, where he served me breakfast in bed and sang me songs a
fter we had made love.

But that was also before he was as famous as he was now. And with that fame came more expectations. The dream he had chased he finally caught, and I knew I couldn’t begrudge him his successes. If I couldn’t be a part of it for the time being, it was my responsibility to deal with it.

He hadn’t done anything wrong. He warned me ahead of time it was because of this life he couldn’t make me any promises. So I tried to stuff down the disappointment as I swung my legs out of bed.

I took my time getting ready for the day. I took a bath instead of a shower, and cooked my own breakfast from the groceries I had bought the day before. Strawberries and cream sitting atop a lonely stack of pancakes only reminded me this was a breakfast meant for
two.

I remembered feeding him fresh strawberries before – watching his full lips surround the ripe, red fruit had been one of the most erotic things I’d ever seen. It involved my two favorite things: Vanni and food.

I ate half before I threw out the rest in disgust. What was wrong with me? I was acting like a love-starved fool. I pulled on my sneakers and headed out into the exciting city.

As always I found my way to Central Park. My pace was brisk as I disappeared further into the green oasis. I wandered through The Mall. I sat near the fountain. I even leaned on one of the bridges watching people drift by in small boats.

Everywhere I looked were lovers in love. It was spring, and clearly the bug had bitten everyone in the city who had a pulse. Dogs even walked in pairs.

When I saw a beautiful young Asian couple in their wedding attire getting their portraits done in the park, I knew I had to leave. I loved Central Park like no other place in the world, but it was no longer a place I wanted to experience alone. I wanted to walk out there in the open with Vanni. I wanted him to hold my hand as we strolled down the sidewalk, or kiss me under a canopy of trees. I wanted him to row me out into the middle of the water and sing me my songs.

There was no denying it anymore. I wanted it all.

Even though I knew it couldn’t possibly help my mood I decided to pay for a hansom cab ride around the park. Sitting there alone I thought back to Vanni’s birthday, when he kissed me for the first time. I wanted to close my eyes and go back to that moment, and as I sat there for long minutes pining for the past I could almost feel those arms ar
ound me… that kiss on my mouth.