The Complete Groupie Trilogy (22 page)

Just as dishearteningly I realized that it was probably never going to happen because our relationship was anything but normal.

This was just a little too real for the fake world where Vanni now resided. He was no doubt hatching an escape route. This whole experience vaulted us from casual, fun, sexy affair to complicated real life.

I already knew how he felt about complications.

By the next morning Vanni came to get me after I was released from the hospital, and escorted me back to our hotel room. The moment we were alone he pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of
my head. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“For what?” I asked.

“This was all my fault. I was selfish asking you to ditch the condoms. If you would have gotten pregnant it would have been my mistake, not yours.”

“I agreed to it,” I said. “And I didn’t ever ask again. That makes it our responsibility.”

He nodded and pulled me over to the bed. “Yeah, that’s what I have been thinking about.”

I gulped hard and waited.

“This tour is going to take me all over the country in like five months. After that we’re recording our next album. They’re even talking about going overseas. Things are just going to get crazier from here. We can’t even go to a restaurant anymore. This is not the life I would ever bring a family into.”

“Families do it
all the time,” I said softly.

“That’s not the point. I know what it’s like to grow up without a father. If I can’t be there for my kid then that would kill me. But I can’t turn my back on my career either. I put it off long enough already.”

“So what are you saying, Vanni?”

He caressed the side of my face with his hand. “I love you, Andy,” he said. “But I think we need to slow down for a while.”

A tear slipped from the corner of my eye before I could stop it. I cursed it the moment it fell.

“I want more fo
r you,” he tried to explain.

“You don’t get to decide that,” I told him. “I get a say so in the relationship – no matter what kind of relationship it is.”

“You’re still young,” he persisted, and I jumped up off the bed.

“I’m only four years younger than you,” I cried. “But I’ve got more maturity in my little finger than you do in your whole entire body. When I thought there might be a baby, do you know what I was thinking of? How my
savings could provide for it and which room in the house to use as a nursery. When you thought there was a baby you were looking for the door!”

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” he yelled as he jumped up. “I was there every second and I would have been there no matter what the result had been.”

“Really?” I challenged. “You’re sure looking for the door now, aren’t you? Well there it is, Vanni. Go live your exciting life full of concerts and fans and a whole lot of half-relationships and fake people. But if you turn your back on what we have just because you’re a little scared you can’t measure up, that is your choice and your mistake.”

There were tears in his eyes as he faced me. “I’m not turning my back on you. I’m saying we need to slow it down. It’s not fair to either of us…”

“You mean it’s not fair to you,” I corrected. “This whole relationship hasn’t been fair to me. You expect me to abide by your rules and then when things get a little uncomfortable for you, you want to bail.”

He advanced on me until his hands were on either side of my face, cupping me in an iron grip. “I told you I’m not leaving you. I love you,” he said, and then dissolved into tears of his own. “I love you.” He kissed me hard, maybe to punish me, maybe to prove something to himself, but I didn’t care. I responded anyway.

My heart was in this. And I was going to fight for it, even if he was too stupid to figure out what he wanted.

When he felt himself stir against me he just pulled me close in a tight embrace. “See what you do to me?” he whispered. “I couldn’t let you go if I tried.” He rested his forehead to mine. “I just want to take it slow for a while.”

“What does that mean?”

“Back to condoms,” he said with a lopsided grin that made me laugh despite myself. “Then, I dunno. Maybe let time take care of itself.”

That sounded ominous, but at that moment I was too afraid to ask for any clarification. He was in my arms when he could have walked right out the door. That had to mean something.

In a few months, when he had some distance and perspective from this little scare, then we could re-evaluate where we go from there.

In the meantime I had one more moment, one more opportunity. And I knew that I was far too invested to walk away now. I would find a way to make this work. No matter what.

~Andy~

The tour rolled on across the country, and despite my instinct to stick close to Vanni after our tumultuous visit in San Francisco there was really no justifiable reason to chase after him from city to city. I could have made it work for my job, of course, but at the same time he wanted to take it slow and I wanted to show him that I respected that.

It was a big scare not easily forgotten by either of us the rest of my trip in San Francisco, which included one lackluster attempt to make love before my least favorite aunt decided to finally show up, thereby ruining the entire visit in not just one way but two.

I was thrown decidedly off center and unsure how to maintain our relationship other than just give him the space he needed to figure out it wasn’t the end of the world. We had a scare, sure, but that helped us be smarter about our sexual relationship so we could put off any “accidents” until we were ready to have kids.

Thinking of Vanni in this context was my guilty pleasure; I knew that he had not made me any promises for the future aside from declaring his love for me. I took it the next logical step, even when I knew it wasn’t the smartest thing to do. But there were several indicators that he was sincere in his love for me. He took care of me in San Francisco, especially after we got back from the hospital. Even though he wanted to take it slow he still stayed in my room and was particularly attentive.

Passion took a back seat to affection, which seemed all the more loving to me. So he couldn’t say what he wanted, maybe he didn’t even know. But if he stayed with me it meant that I meant more to him than just a casual fling, so I held that in my heart even though I was terribly insecure what he had meant when he said he wanted to slow things down.

After I came home he still sent me text messages and emails, and I’d get the occasional call before he went to bed. They were fewer and farther between than they had been before the tour, but that was to be expected. He was in the fast lane now. Even just one email a week or a random text for no other reason than just say, “Wish you were here,” meant his heart was in the right place even if he didn’t have the time to invest into our relationship.

The reviews indicated the boys were really making a splash now that they had hit the national stage. I began to channel the energy I would have spent on him on his image and the image of the band. The forums were exploding with new fans, especially the ones who got to participate in t
he V.I.P. parties in each city.

My original concern that people were getting a bit too familiar grew with some of the participants on the message boards. I had no problems with their finding Vanni sexy, or even entertaining the idea they may one day be able to be with him. But some seemed to take it to an unhealthy extreme, and their bragging about the special time they got to spend with him made me wonder what was really going on after those concerts.

I couldn’t see Vanni spending any significant time in acquiring road trophies by anonymous one night stands.

But then again, he certainly had time to spend with me when I’d travel to see his gigs. The only real difference was that I wasn’t a groupie trying to bed the big rock star.

Was I?

And besides, he really had wanted to be with me more than just a brief sexual conquest just because I was convenient. Didn’t he?

By the time the band headed back to NYC for a homecoming towards the end of the tour, I gently interjected myself into the festivities. I volunteered my services for Iris and Alana, as well as with Jacob, who were orchestrating the entire affair. When I called Vanni to let him know I was going to be able to come to town, he seemed appropriately happy about it and offered to let me stay at his apartment, which made me feel a lot better about things.

Yet there was still a dark hidden piece of me that was almost looking for any crack in the veneer, any half-hearted response, any change in his M.O., such as texting or emailing me more fre
quently before I got into town.

By the time I stepped out of the cab in front of his apartment my hands shook with such anxiety it was hard to
fit my spare key into the door.

“Hello?” I called out as I stepped into the foyer. “Vanni?”

My voice echoed down the hallway but went unanswered. With a sigh I drug my two suitcases to the bedroom. It was still fairly early but I knew that he and the band rigorously rehearsed their new stage show. Vanni was a tireless perfectionist and wanted it to be better and more impressive each time they hit the stage.

This was one of the reasons I couldn’t believe he was off screwing groupies by the dozen. By the time he finished a show he was dog tired and ready to get some sleep so he coul
d do it all again the next day.

I was able to run down to the neighborhood store, grab some ingredients for dinner and prepare him a small meal by the time he stopped back by the house at 3:00 p.m. He found me in the kitchen and
greeted me with a hug and kiss.

I could feel the wariness in his body.

“You look tired,” I said as I brushed his hair out of his face.

“I am,” he admitted. “I was going to try and get a nap for about an hour.” He glanced over and spied the dinner I had prepared. “What’d you do?”

“Just a little something,” I said. “I know you. You probably haven’t eaten since this morning.”

He laughed and pulled me back into his arms. “This is all I need.” He kissed my neck. “Feel like joining me for a nap?”

He kissed me softly and allowed his hand to roam lovingly over the curve of my hip.

“If I go you won’t get a nap,” I reminded.

“I’ll risk it,” he said as he picked me up and carried me off to the bedroom.

He did sneak in a nap after our brief but intense reunion, and by 5:00 he had showered, eaten and was back out the door. We agreed that I would arrive separately, so I didn’t leave until an hour or so later. I called Jacob from the cab.

Of all my friends he knew the most about my relationship with Vanni. He wasn’t privy to what happened in San Francisco, I still hadn’t managed to share that with anyone. But he knew that I was staying with Vanni, though he was threatened on pain of death telling Vanni that he knew.

This was the world I now shared with my friends. We all spoke in code, trusting that we “understood” secret meanings without having to say the actual words. Because of this I sensed that there were things he wasn’t telling me either. Sadly he wasn’t as forthcoming with me as I had been with him, but I followed his lead in not asking any questions.

I figured it had something to do with Lourdes, who I already knew was due any day. Despite her going back to South America, rumors abounded that she was “in the family way,” substantiated so far a blurry photo of an extremely pregnant brunette who, though she wore big dark glasses and a hat, some believed looked enough like Lourdes to be published in the national tabloids.

With a summer release date for her debut acting stint in an action feature, it was a pretty big story that had Jasper scrambling. There were precious few months left on the year-contract Athena had renegotiated for Vegas, and I already knew that Jasper wanted to make sure that he could re-sign her before he brought Lourdes back to New York just in time for her own press junket for her movie. There was no room for error in this delicate balancing act.

Though no one said as much, I somehow suspected Lourdes might be pressuring Jasper to make an honest woman of her. He was once again squeezed by his indiscretion as it doubled back to bite him in the ass right when he didn’t need the extra stress, and it had everyone on edge.