Tales from a Not-So-Fabulous Life (11 page)

I was up and getting ready for school when I noticed I
STILL
had that rash from my faux cell phone! I almost choked on my minty-fresh, tartar control, extra-brightening, mouthwash-strength, cavity-fighting gel toothpaste.

Now that my crush, Brandon, had
finally
noticed I was alive, there was NO WAY I was going to school with a rash that made my ear look like it belonged to a severely sunburned Keebler Elf. You know, the ones who bake cookies inside a tree trunk infested with ants, termites, centipedes, and beetles. I always wondered what those brown crunchy things were in their cookies. Ewwww!

Anyway, I knew my mom was NOT going to let me stay home from school unless I was spiking a temperature of at least 289 degrees. Which, BTW, is the same temp she uses to bake her Thanksgiving turkey.

My mom’s life motto is “Hey! Why let a little case of gangrene or leprosy get in the way of achieving a good education?!”

After trying every trick in the book, I
finally
figured out how to convince my mom I was too ill to go to school. I had to PRETEND to throw up all over myself.

Now, how SICK is THAT?!

I came up with this idea last spring after Brianna had the stomach flu. Mom took time off from work and let my little sister stay home from school for an entire week.

On top of that, she totally pampered Brianna by buying her all of her favorite Disney movies on DVD and a new computer game to keep her occupied while she was in bed.

I think all that vomiting must have really gotten to Mom. About three weeks later, I stayed home from school with a bad case of strep throat and was
hoping to at least get a couple of new CDs out of it. But all Mom bought me was a cruddy box of Popsicles! And, to make matters worse, they were the really gross low-calorie kind with no sugar. They tasted like frozen pickle juice on a stick. I was like delish!

Thanks a million, Mom!

Me ready for Brianna’s projectile vomiting due to her stomach flu. Yuck!

But I have to admit, Brianna WAS a lot sicker than I was. She couldn’t keep anything down, not even water!

I refused to go anywhere near her unless I was suited up in full “puke protection” gear:
Since I was pretty sure Mom was not going to consider my rash serious enough to let me stay home from school, I decided to run downstairs and make a quick batch of phony vomit, aka, “faux puke.” Which I needed because of the rash caused by my faux cell phone. It was just another one of life’s surprising little ironies.

Lucky for me, I was the first one out of bed, which meant I had the kitchen completely to myself for about fifteen minutes. Since things were going to get a little messy, I changed into my old heart pj’s and rushed downstairs.

My secret recipe was easy to make, and it looked and smelled like the real thing:

STAY-HOME-FROM-SCHOOL FAUX VOMIT

WARNING: This stuff is SO gross that it might
really
make you sick to your stomach and cause you to
really
throw up. In which case, you will
really
need to stay home from school
!

I poured about 2 cups into a bowl, ran back upstairs to my room, and dumped it down the front of my heart pj’s. Then I yelled down the hall in a really whiney voice:

“MOM! Please come quick! I don’t feel so good. My stomach is really queasy and I think I’m going to…

blecchuuarggh!”

Of course, it worked like a charm
!! Mom was totally convinced and said that not only did I have an upset stomach but also there was a mild rash on my ear.

She said that since I was not running a temperature, I’d probably feel better after a day of bed rest. I told her that suddenly I was feeling a lot better
already (wink wink). Then she cleaned up my “mess,” helped with my bubble bath, and tucked me back into bed with a kiss.

I actually slept until the Tyra Banks show came on at noon. I just LOVE that girl!

However, when I went into the kitchen to grab a bite for lunch, I suddenly realized I had totally FORGOTTEN to pour the leftovers of my faux vomit down the garbage disposal.

So when I saw that my mom had left a note for me on the counter right next to the now empty pot of puke, I just KNEW she was onto me and I was in really BIG trouble. I totally panicked and my stomach started feeling queasy, but this time FOR REAL! Her note said:

I spent the entire afternoon just lounging around, watching television, and raiding the fridge. I even ordered a pizza!