Tales from a Not-So-Fabulous Life (7 page)

Today we had our math test on calculating volume, and I was really nervous. Mainly because I am not that good at math.

The last time I got a decent grade in this subject was way back in first grade. And even then I almost got half the problems wrong.

It just so happened that I sat across from Andrea Snarkowski, the smartest girl in the entire first grade. We were taking a test on addition when I kind of “accidentally” noticed that Andrea’s answer to one of the problems was different from mine. So, at the last minute, I decided to cross out my answer with an X and use the one she had come up with.

It was a good thing I did so, because I got an A on the test! My teacher was so pleased with my miraculous improvement—on a good day I usually did D+ work—she gave me a smiley face gold star. And only geniuses like Andrea Snarkowski earned smiley face gold stars.

Since I had morphed into a brilliant math scholar, I also won the class Student of the Month Award, and my picture appeared in our community newspaper.

NIKKI MAXWELL Me in first grade, with a perfect score on my math test after Andrea Snarkowski kind of helped me out a little bit

My mom and dad were SO proud of me!

They made 127 copies of my newspaper article and mailed them out to every single one of my relatives all across the nation.

I can only imagine how happy and excited they
were for me when they opened their letters:

MY AUNT MABEL “Well, tutti my frutti! A picture of Dakota Fanning!”

MY UNCLE AUGUSTUS “It can’t be! My long-lost nephew Vladimir, from Kazakhstan…??!”

MY GREAT-GRANDMA GERTRUDE

“Gracious, me! It’s Bindi, the jungle girl!”

MY THIRD COUSIN BILLY-BOB “Ethel, call the cops! We just got another letter from that crazy stalker!!”

Okay, so maybe some of my relatives didn’t recognize me right away.

But if they
had
, I’m pretty sure they would have been really proud.

Anyway, my geometry test on calculating volume was really hard.

I know I should have studied more. But since I spent the entire weekend sulking, it kind of cut into my study time.

I pretty much just prayed like crazy through the whole test.

Sometimes even out loud: “PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME TO PASS THIS TEST! I’M REALLY SORRY ABOUT SNOOZING IN CHURCH LAST SUNDAY AND IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN. ALSO, CAN YOU TELL ME IF THE FORMULA FOR THE VOLUME OF A CYLINDER IS
r
²
h OR
hr
²
? AND, WHEN YOU CALCULATE A SPHERE, DO YOU MULTIPLY THE…?”

I guess a few people sitting near me must have overheard.

I was TOO happy when that test was
finally
over!

As I was putting my stuff into my backpack to go
to my next class, I couldn’t help noticing MacKenzie eyeballing me all evil-like.

Then she walked up to Jessica and said, “Today is the last day to enter the avant-garde art competition, and I have to take my entry form down to the office. I’ll meet you at my locker. Okay, hon?”

Then Jessica stared at me and said really loud, “Mac, I just KNOW you’re going to win first place. Your fashion illustrations are SO um…BOOTYLICIOUS!”

I could NOT believe Jessica said that, because “bootylicious” is like so yesterday!

But the thing that really freaked me out was when MacKenzie smirked at me and was all like, “Nikki, everyone in the entire school knows you’re too CHICKEN to enter the art competition because I’M a better artist than you are. So don’t bother!”

Okay. Even though MacKenzie didn’t actually
SAY
those words to me, she definitely looked like she was
THINKING
them.

And, either way, it was a humongous INSULT to my integrity.

Then she flipped her hair and sashayed out of the classroom. I just HATE it when MacKenzie sashays!

How DARE she talk about the art competition right to my face like that??!!

Especially when it was HER fault I DIDN’T enter to begin with.

This whole situation just TICKED me off!

Suddenly, I just totally lost it and screamed at the top of my lungs, “MacKenzie STARTED this WAR, and now I’M going to FINISH it!!”

But I said it in my head, so no one else heard it but me.

Then I made a solemn promise to myself:

I, NIKKI J. MAXWELL, being of sound mind and body, am officially entering the
AVANT-GARDE ART
COMPETITION!!

I was going to show MacKenzie once and for all that I had MAD art skillz. And MINE were WAY MADDER than HERS!

So I grabbed all my stuff and marched right down to the office to fill out an entry form.

Sure enough, MacKenzie was still in there, applying
her fourteenth layer of lip gloss and bragging nonstop about her fashion illustrations.

“…and everyone thinks my original designs are so HAWT, and I’m going to be RICH and FAMOUS and move to HOLLYWOOD and blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah!”

I was just casually chilling out behind a big plotted plant right outside the office door, minding my own business, when,
finally
, MacKenzie left.