Sway (16 page)

Chapter Thirty-One

Somehow, even though I’d only been gone a few days, Gage had integrated himself more firmly into my family than I was. When he came over, Dad treated him like the son he never had. They swapped audition stories, Dad lavished him with advice and names of people who could give Gage a leg-up. Beth flirted with him, and while he didn’t seem interested, they had an easy familiarity as if they’d known each other a long time. Shelby also tried her charms on him, but to no avail. He hardly acknowledged her presence.

The night was all-around strange. Gage was happy to see me, but seemed content to hang out with my family at my suggestion. It wasn’t until Dad turned in for the night and Shelby disappeared that his attention zeroed in on me in a more physical way. The thought of his hands on me felt wrong, but he didn’t seem bothered when I made up an excuse to get away.

Eric had flooded my thoughts the entire night. I ached to hear his voice, to see his eyes light up and hear him laugh. And then I would think of Lacey. I went back and forth between wishing her happiness with Eric and wanting him for myself. I was a terrible person.

A week later, and I still hadn’t heard anything about how Lacey was doing. I called Mari, eager for news.

“How’s Lacey?” I blurted out as soon as she said hello.

“Hello to you too,” she muttered. “Lacey’s fine.”

“Fine? What does that mean?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Here, let me get Charlie on the other phone.”

“Charlie’s there?” Mari didn’t hear my question because she was bellowing to her husband.

“Ava?” Charlie’s voice came through the line. “I just got back last night. I was about to call you.”

“How’s Lacey? Mari won’t tell me anything.”

Mari grumbled but Charlie spoke over her. “She came out of her coma!”

I sighed in relief. “So everything’s okay?”

There was silence on the other line. My heart tightened.

“Well,” Charlie paused. “She’s…different.”

“How do you mean?”

Mari burst in. “She’s freaked about
everything
. She won’t even leave her hospital room. She doesn’t care about putting makeup on, or her clothes, or going back to work. All she does is read these crazy enlightenment books.”

My head felt thick. That didn’t sound like Lacey at all.

“Mari, cut her some slack,” Charlie said. “It was a terrible accident. The doctor said she might not be the same.”

“Not the same?” Mari said, incredulous. “Ava, you have no idea. While Charlie was still there, I had him grab Lacey some gossip magazines that I had at home and then I called her so we could, you know, read them together. She wouldn’t even open one. She didn’t care!”

“Maybe that’s a good thing,” Charlie cut in. “Knocked some taste into her.”

“Hey!” Mari yelled. They started to bicker on their separate phone lines.

“Wait,” I broke in. “What does this mean? Why did the doctor say she won’t be the same?”

“A serious head injury can change you,” Charlie answered. “That’s what the doctor said anyway.”

“You’re really worried about her then?”

“Not…really,” Charlie said, though uncertainty strained his voice. “She’s getting better, physically. It’s weird to see her like this though. You’d have to see her to really get it. She’s different. We don’t know if she’ll ever be like she used to.”

I took a deep breath. “How is Eric dealing? Is he doing okay?”

Mari snorted. “Eric who?”

I frowned. “What does that mean?”

“He just took off,” Mari continued. “Can you believe it?”

No, I didn’t believe it. Eric had been so worried about Lacey, it didn’t make sense that he would leave her, especially now that she was awake.

“He went to visit his brother,” Charlie explained.

Mari spoke right over him. “It was beyond weird. He would hardly leave the hospital. Then Lacey wakes up from her coma and he bolts. Suspicious, you know?”

“Give it a rest, Mari,” Charlie snapped. “You weren’t there. I was. It’s not suspicious. He didn’t want to upset her.”

“Did they…” I swallowed. “Did they break up?”

“Ava,” Charlie said, exasperated. “Does that really matter right now?”

“I was just wondering is all,” I stuttered. “It is a little weird that he didn’t stay.”

“See.” Mari sounded triumphant. “Wait a minute, I’ve got it. Eric’s parents are dead, right?”

Mari needed lessons in tact—a full semester followed by summer school. “Yes.”

“Maybe he’s asking his brother for advice about marrying Lacey!
That’s
why he rushed off. Now that she’s awake, he doesn’t want to wait any longer and he wants his brother’s approval or something.”

I hated to admit it, but Mari could be right. Maybe Lacey’s accident helped Eric realize that he loved her. Maybe he was planning his proposal already.

Charlie sounded doubtful. “Maybe. Anyway, my parents are still with Lacey in Vegas. They’re staying with the Harville’s. Sam drives them to the hospital every day.”

“Wow, that’s nice.”

“Guess what Landon said this morning?” Mari cut in, done with the Lacey conversation.

We chatted a little longer, Mari recounting funny but slightly alarming anecdotes of what her sons had been up to. When we hung up, I sat on my bed and tried to process. It was all a little too much.

What I did know is that I missed it. I missed being with Mari and Charlie, listening to their silly marital squabbles and playing cars with the boys. I missed Lacey’s enthusiasm. I missed feeling important, liked, needed.

Most of all, I missed Eric. But I couldn’t miss him. He was Lacey’s to miss now, not mine. I needed to figure out how to unglue myself from him once and for all.

* * * * *

Aunt Rose found me in my room later that day, sitting on my bed surrounded by books and papers.

“I thought I’d stop by. It feels like I haven’t seen you in ages,” she said, closing the door behind her.

I looked up from my iPad and rubbed my eyes. We’d gone eight years without seeing each other. What was a month compared to that?

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Trying to get organized for the school year,” I said. “I’m outlining my lessons. The principal wants to see them next week.”

Aunt Rose swiveled my desk chair around and took a seat. I jotted some notes on my class on Mozart. When I looked up at Aunt Rose, she had a guarded look on her face.

“What?”

“Are you sure this is what you want to do?” she asked. “Teaching? At a high school?”

“Yes,” I said, annoyed that yet another person didn’t support my decision.

“But, Ava, you could do so much more.” Her fingers fiddled with the pearls around her neck. “You could tour worldwide, perform with some of the most renowned orchestras. Make a name for yourself.”

My disappointment ran deep. It used to be that Aunt Rose’s advice meant the world to me, that I needed it. But I guess I’d outgrown it. Aunt Rose didn’t want the best for me, she wanted the
most
for me. But those were things I didn’t want, and that was something she had never understood.

It wasn’t all her fault though. In my anger and blame eight years ago, I let our relationship crumble to nothing instead of bringing her closer. I hadn’t given her the chance to know me.

“This is what I want to do,” I said.

“But—”

“This is what I’m doing.” I knew my own mind now, and no one would talk me out of it. Her jaw clenched for a moment before she relaxed.

Aunt Rose let go of the pearls she’d been clutching. “Tell me about your trip. How was it?”

I thought it would feel better to win against her, that it would signify some sort of turning point in my life. Instead, it felt…unnecessary. I realized that I’d won when I left eight years ago. Now I needed to grow up and move on. Repair the relationship with my aunt, not to how it had been, but to something new.

“It got cut short when Lacey Musgrove had an accident and had to go to the hospital.”

“Oh no!” Aunt Rose exclaimed with genuine concern. “No one told me about that! What happened?”

I explained, leaving out Lacey’s drunkenness and Eric’s presence. “She’s out of the coma now, but she still has a few weeks left of recovery.”

Aunt Rose shook her head. “That’s terrible.”

“Charlie says she’s different now, but I don’t really know in what way.” I began to organize some of the papers on my bed into different piles, sorting them by composer.

“What about her boyfriend?”

My head jerked up. “What about him?”

“Wasn’t he there? Mari told me it was a couple’s trip, except for you. Why you didn’t take Gage is beyond me.”

“Gage was busy.”

She waved her hand. “How is Lacey’s boyfriend coping with her injury? Mari said they’re quite serious.”

I tapped absently at the iPad on my lap. My mind conjured different lies to tell her, and then I thought, why bother?

“He was pretty broken up about it,” I said. “Mari thinks he’s going to propose once Lacey recovers.”

“Really?” Her eyes widened with interest. “Who is this boy? I always thought Lacey wouldn’t settle for anyone who wasn’t famous.”

I laughed to hide the ache. “He is famous. Sort of.”

“Oh?”

“It’s Eric.”

She frowned in confusion.

“Eric Wentworth.” This time, I couldn’t stop my voice from catching.

Her whole body stilled. There was a long pause. “Eric Wentworth? And Lacey Musgrove?”

Maybe I shouldn’t have told her after all.

“He was in Vegas with you?”

“Yep.”

“But…haven’t they been dating for a while? How long have you been spending time with him?”

It sounded like an accusation. A humorless chuckle escaped my lips. “He’s been living at Kellynch with his sister.”

She stood and paced the room, pressing one hand to her head as if this was a massive problem she needed to solve. “This whole time? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What does it matter? We’re not together and haven’t been for eight years.”

Her face went hard. “You need to move on from this.”

“I have moved on,” I snapped. She was the one who needed to move on. “They’re together. They’ve been together this whole time. And it’s not like I haven’t dated.”

She latched on to that. “That’s right. You have Gage,” she said, almost gleefully. “I’m sorry, this just came as a surprise, that’s all. I should have known that an old ex wouldn’t matter to you anymore. Especially not with Gage Johnson around. It won’t be long and he’ll be a household name. Hold onto him and you won’t have to teach high school, or have a job at all.”

I wanted to scream in frustration. For a woman who’d chosen career over family, she was being completely Fifties. “Actually, I was thinking of breaking up with him.” I knew I shouldn’t have said that, but she wasn’t listening to a thing I was saying. I wanted something to penetrate her Chanel-cloaked skin for once.

“Why on earth would you do that?”

Because I still loved Eric. Or loved him again. Either way, I couldn’t tell her that—it would go over about as well as a barbed-wire girdle.

She threw her arms up. “This isn’t a fairytale, Ava. Men aren’t perfect, and neither are you. You’re almost thirty, you know. You’d be foolish to throw a good man like him away.”

I stacked the books on my bed so I wouldn’t have to look at her. I was twenty-seven, not desperate.

The bed dipped beside me. Aunt Rose put her hand on my shoulder. “I’m just so worried about you. I want to see you happy. It’s been so long since you’ve been happy.”

“I was happy, once.”

Her hand withdrew. “Ava, I… You were both so young. So unprepared for—”

“I don’t blame you,” I broke in. “I did then, because it was easier, but I don’t anymore. I made the choice.” Twisting my head, I looked her in the eyes. “But it was the wrong one.”

She lowered her head and rubbed her temples. This unnatural display of emotion did nothing to me. “I wanted so much for you. Still want so much for you.”

“I know.”

She studied me. Her face appeared haggard, a stranger’s face. She rose from the bed. “Give Gage a proper chance. Please.”

I opened my mouth but she didn’t let me speak.

“Your past is over. Live your life—now.” At the door, she stopped and gave me one last look. “It’s the only advice I have left.”

Chapter Thirty-Two

You know the mantra, Give Peace a Chance? Well my mantra had become Give Gage a Chance. Aunt Rose was right about one thing—I needed to move on, to live my life now. And Gage was by all rights a catch and a half. He’d always been really sweet to me, even when I was acting a little crazy. So I chanted my mantra in my head every time my mind wandered to Eric, every time I conjured up images of Eric and Lacey blissfully planning their wedding together.

What’s Eric doing right this second? Give Gage a Chance. Where will they go on their honeymoon? Give Gage a Chance. Does he ever think about me?
For crap’s sakes, Ava, Give Gage a Friggin’ Chance
. I’d lost Eric for good and I needed to move on.

Gage came over that night wearing a white button-up shirt tucked into sleek gray pants. As good as he looked, I still had to repeat the mantra in my head to stop from wishing he was Eric instead.

“Finally, someone who doesn’t have to be told how to dress,” Dad said to him. My father looked just as smooth in one of his tailored Italian suits.

We were heading to Thousand Oaks for a party. Gage still hadn’t heard whether he’d gotten the part on that HBO show. Dad had discovered that the producer, Thea, would be at the party. It was the perfect opportunity for Dad to talk-up Gage.

I had on a red Bottega Veneta dress with pointy nude pumps. My hair curled in loose waves and I matched my lips to the color of my dress. When I’d admired myself in the mirror earlier, I couldn’t help but think of Eric and whether he’d like this look on me.

I would never know what Eric thought of this sexier me, but Gage sure appreciated it. When I came into the room where he was waiting he looked up, and promptly dropped the TV remote.

“Wow.”

I flushed. “Thanks.” I took a seat beside him. “Beth and Shelby aren’t ready yet?”

“Nope.” He snuggled into me. “Even if they take hours, they’ll never look as good as you.” He buried his face in my neck. “I can’t stand how hot you look right now.”

My body responded to his touch, to his warm breath in my ear, but my mind and heart protested. They sang,
Eric, Eric, Eric
. But Eric wasn’t mine to have and I couldn’t pine after him my entire life. I needed to get a grip.

“So tell me,” Gage said, putting his arm on the couch behind me. “Just how much did you miss me while you were in Vegas?”

He looked so confident in my feelings for him that a rush of guilt entered my chest. “I thought whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?”

He pursed his lips. “Should I be worried?”

Yes.
“About what?”

“What you got up to while I wasn’t around?”

I crossed my legs and leaned away from him. “Do you really care?”

Emotions flickered across his face, finally settling on hurt. “Of course I do. You’re my girl.”

I dropped my head. A couple of weeks ago, those words would have given me a thrill. Now? Nothing.

Give Gage a chance.

“Hey,” Gage said. I looked up. “Come here.”

“Gage, I—”

“What do you think of my dress?” It was Beth. She leaned against the doorframe, her hand on one cocked hip. The look on her face was one of malicious delight.

“You look great,” I said, grateful for the interruption. Her eyes widened. “Where’d you get it?”

“Bebe,” she almost stuttered.

I escaped the couch. “It’s perfect on you,” I said as I passed her on the way out.

Beth grabbed me from behind. “Is this some kind of joke?” she whispered so Gage couldn’t hear.

“Seriously? I can’t tell my sister she looks good?”

Her mouth worked. “Well…yeah, I do look good.” Her eyes took in my dress. “No matter how hard you try, you’ll never look as good as me.”

I smiled. “I know.”

Beth’s mouth opened but no sound came out. Her eyes dropped from mine but not before I saw the shame. “Shelby, let’s go!” she yelled and swept by me. I felt a hand on my back.

“Shall we?” Gage said.

* * * * *

Once we arrived at the party, Dad disappeared into the crowd, on the hunt for Thea. He was a man on a mission. Countless female gazes followed him as he passed. Shelby noticed it too.

Beth hooked her arm around Shelby’s. “Let’s find some real men,” she said, putting on her seduction face. They headed toward a group of guys all wearing polo shirts, plaid shorts, and shoes without socks. They were probably all in their early twenties. Frat boys. I snorted. Beth’s idea of real men were the kind who treated beer as a food group.

Gage disappeared and returned a minute later, a drink in both hands. “You don’t look all that impressed.” He handed me a cup of water.

“I’m not.”

His disapproval was plain. “Most people would kill to be at this party.”

I glanced around the room—the schmoozing, the drinking, the fake laughter and over-the-top flirting. The expensive dresses, the overdone makeup. It was nothing to me but loud and annoying. I would’ve rather been at home, reading in bed. “I guess I’m not most people.”

“That’s why I like you.” He shifted his feet, his eyes taking in the crowd around us. “You know, acting’s all about who you know. That’s why these parties are so important.”

“I thought it was about talent. Silly me.”

His face tightened. He drew me to a dimly lit corner. Laughter rang around us but it sounded forced and phony in my ears. “What is wrong with you?” he hissed.

I wrenched my hand from his. “Excuse me?”

“You’ve been acting weird ever since you got back from Vegas. I know your friend was in a coma, and that sucks. But that doesn’t mean you have to give me this big attitude.”

“I don’t have an attitude!” I crossed my arms. “I just don’t know what I’m doing here.”

“You’re here to be with me,” he said. “This is what I do. These are people in my industry. It’s important to me.”

I clenched my jaw and looked away.

Gage made an exasperated sound and stormed off.

I sipped my water while the party moved on without me. Shelby had disappeared, but Beth was already making-out with one of the frat boys on a couch. I wondered what Dad would think of that before I realized the only thing he’d worry about was if the guy was “somebody.”

If I stayed with Gage, these parties would be a regular occurrence. This was his world and he wanted someone to support him. A girlfriend who’d be content by his side, who’d be thrilled to attend parties like this. The thought of spending my nights attempting to schmooze turned my stomach. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be the kind of person Gage needed.

My thoughts turned to Eric. His life was probably very similar to Gage’s. It was a different business, but the people, the parties, the schmoozing to get ahead, would all be the same.

I pressed into the wall behind me. Music thumped in my ears, a generic techno beat pounding a headache into my temples. Maybe I shouldn’t have broken up with Kaz. At least he was quiet.

I closed my eyes and pressed the cup against my forehead. The ice in my water had melted so the cup wasn’t as cool as I wanted it to be. Ending the relationship with Kaz had been the right decision. We were well matched in a lot of ways, but not in the ways that mattered.

Gage and I had a physical connection, that much was obvious. I’d been happy with him. I’d been happy with Kaz too. Looking back, I realized it was a thin kind of happiness. A happiness that covered my outsides; making my lips smile, my feet bounce, my body tingle. But it didn’t reach deep inside to all those places that still yearned for Eric.

It felt like I’d cursed myself. Ruined my chances of one hundred percent happiness. Not that anyone ever had that. Even with Eric I’d had my bad days where we’d fought or driven each other crazy. That wouldn’t change now. I needed to stop building up the thought of Eric and what we had as perfection. I was expecting too much, what I wanted was an illusion.

Or maybe, no matter what I wanted or who I tried to be with, I would never be as happy with anyone as I had been with Eric.

* * * * *

Gage found me an hour later sitting on a stone ledge in the expansive yard, picking leaves off a lilac bush. Lamps, sprinkled throughout the greenery, lit the darkness with a soft glow. Voices echoed in the backyard, but in my little corner, I was alone.

“There you are!” He swooped over and kissed me, our earlier argument forgotten. “Guess what? I got the part! You’re looking at the newest cast member of “City Secrets”.

“That’s great,” I said without feeling.

“Thea said she liked my acting, but without your dad, who knows? I owe him. Big time.”

My mouth struggled with a smile. If this was the best I could do at being fake, I would never survive in his life.

Gage studied me. He closed the distance between us, bracing both hands on the ledge on either side of me.

“Ava…” He swallowed. “I don’t know what’s going on with you lately, but I know how to make it all better.” He leaned closer, his lips inches from my ear. “I love you. I’ve wanted to tell you that for a long time.”

I swallowed. My stomach roiled with nerves and nausea. He couldn’t love me, he barely knew me. Worse, I knew I didn’t love him.

His lips reached for mine but I leaned away. His eyes went hard, he pushed himself back. “You don’t love me.”

“Gage, I’m sorry, but I hardly know you—”

He threw his hands in the air. “What does that matter? It isn’t about facts, it’s about feelings.”

He leaned in again. “You don’t need to know my past, or my favorite color, or how long I spend in the bathroom.”

Gage cupped my face with his hands. It would have been a romantic gesture if he hadn’t made me think about how long he spent in the bathroom.

“You just have to feel it. For me.” His hands slid to the back of my neck and I could feel him pulling me in. “I know you do.”

For a second, I almost gave in. It would have been so easy to pretend. To shut my mind off and let the physical take over. But that feeling wouldn’t last.

I put my hands on his chest and pushed him away. “No.”

“Ava, please,” he begged. In the darkness, his eyes were sad black pools. He pursed his lips, but the effect they used to have on me was gone.

“I’m really sorry.”

I walked away from him. Even though I had no idea what my future held, or even how I would get home that night, I felt nothing but relief.