“I knew you were drinking,” Pam said gently. Nelda grimaced.
“I thought I was hiding it,” she replied. “I’m so sorry.”
“Did you wonder if drinking while you were pregnant with Marie contributed to her problems?” Pam realized she was treading on dangerous ground bringing Marie’s name up so soon. Nelda didn’t respond, but a change came over her face, expressionless, wary. “They say now that a fetus exposed to alcohol has a higher chance of suffering from mental disorders.”
“No, I guess I didn’t or I would have stopped,” she said. “I nursed all of you with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth.” Pam turned so Nelda couldn’t see her horrified expression.
“Yes, well God knows I should have done a slew of things differently. Ha! Who am I to point the finger? Forget I said anything, okay?” Pam went to Nelda and embraced her gently, kissing her check. Her skin was soft and dry, and Pam could feel her body shaking. Nelda was trying to keep it together in Pam’s kitchen, after having her confession.
Afraid of the truth, that being married and having a family took every ounce of courage and willpower she had, Nelda wouldn’t admit it to Pam. The only thing that saved her was that she truly loved her husband; while he turned a blind eye to his wife’s drinking.
“Can I tell you a quick story?” Nelda asked.
“Of course,” Pam answered. Nelda pointed to the veranda.
“Let’s sit outside for a minute.” Nelda didn’t want to share her thoughts with the others in the house. Sitting down, she patted the couch beside her. “I wanted to tell you about a dream I have had since Marie died. It’s not a dream; more of a memory. Of you two when you were little.
“One night, like many I suppose, I was sick. Daddy was working a double shift that day; days and swing shift and wouldn’t be home until midnight. You’d been taking care of Marie since you got home from school. About seven, Genoa came to my door and knocked.
“‘Nelda, the child has homework to do. Pull yourself together and let Pamela get her work done.’ I was so tired I cried, but I didn’t argue with her.
“Genoa cooked and did laundry, gave us money. But when it came time for childcare, she wouldn’t help me. I had you, Pam. No one else. I got up off my bed and took over so you could do your homework. Marie was miserable that night. I walked the floor with her and every fifteen minutes I’d ask you if you were finished. About nine, you came to my room and said you could take her for me again. I got right back into bed.
“After midnight, Daddy came home and woke me. ‘You need to see something,’ he said. I forced myself out of bed and walked out to the kitchen where you were sleeping standing up. Leaning on the baluster of the staircase, you had your head on your crossed arms. You’d fashioned a swing for Marie out of a wicker basket and some clothesline. The basket was swinging very slightly back and forth, but it kept the baby asleep. I’ll never forget how I horrible I felt. It was a scene out of Oliver Twist.
“‘Let the girl get some rest, Nelda,’ Daddy said, annoyed with me. I took the baby out of the basket and the motion woke you. Daddy told you to go to bed and you did, but I could tell you were worried. Either worried about me or worried about Marie. In my dream, the dilemma is that worry. Who is Pam worried about now?”
Pam fought to stay in control. She remembered the incident Nelda related; it was one of many. “I was worried about both of you,” she said. “I felt awful for baby Marie, wanting to comfort her. I knew you kept her in the laundry basket when you worked around the house. All I wanted to do was rock her so she’d sleep.”
Pam remembered another one of many incidents; her father was working late, Nelda passed out cold. Hearing banging outside her window, Pam grabbed baby Marie and slid under her bed, scared to death. The next awareness she had was of her father pulling on her to slide her out and yelling to his wife. “Here they are Nelda; I’ve found them under Pamela’s bed!” She’d fallen asleep with her arms wrapped around her sister. Nelda was angry for making them worry, but Genoa was brutally honest.
“Ask her why she has to hide under her bed? The child was frightened and there was no one she could go to.” Pam wouldn’t share that memory though.
Nelda patted Pam’s arm.
“Pam, Pam, Pam. That wasn’t your responsibility. I was the
mother
. You were a little girl. You still think you’re responsible for everyone else. It’s not your fault, what Jack did. Marie could have stopped when she came of age. I know she didn’t.” She took a deep breath and patted Pam’s hand again.
“Mom, I’m sorry about everything. If I’d been more aware, or confronted my concerns, things would have been different.”
“Don’t count on it,” Nelda said. “Marie was very strong willed. I know abuse is never the child’s fault but she was in love with Jack and she was going to try to get him even if you were his wife.” Pam stood up and started to pace.
“Maybe when she was young that was her motive, but later I think she felt trapped. I guess we’ll never know for sure.”
“You’re right Pam. Enough! I’m giving myself a headache. Finish telling me what Natalie said about Sandra and Jason showing up.” Nelda asked, ready to change the subject.
Trying to move beyond Nelda’s confession, Pam thought back to the evening before, the story she heard from Natalie about Jason. They’d gone to Shore Pizza as planned, sharing a bottle of wine and a large pizza with anchovies.
“This is exactly the kind of place I imagined Long Islanders go for pizza,” Natalie said looking around. “Back home we sit at the counter and order a slice. Here, it’s like New Jersey. You could sit all evening and no one would tell you to move on.”
“My kids and I had dinner here when they were still living home. When Jack died, we came here the night after the funeral. I’ll never forget sharing a pitcher of beer with my son. God, I miss him.” Natalie grabbed Pam’s hand as they started to cry.
“I’m so sorry,” Natalie said. “How sad for you.”
“If I’m not careful, I could actually allow this wedding thing to open a can of despair for me. I have to keep it in perspective. We obviously didn’t love each other, so it’s a good thing he didn’t show up.”
“I’m glad you can look at it that way,” Natalie said. “I think he’s a raving asshole.”
“There’s no other way,” Pam replied, sadly. “Could you explain to me how Jason ended up at Jeff’s house, with my
best friend,
Sandra.”
“Okay, let’s get one thing straight,” Natalie said firmly. “Sandra was never your
best friend.
She was your late husband’s whore. You need to keep that phrase firmly planted in your head the second you start to feel sad about Sandra.”
Pam giggled. “Okay, Sandra the whore it is. But how did she latch on to Jason so quickly? I did
not
see that coming.”
“I don’t even know if I should tell you this,” Natalie said. Heart pounding, Pam thought she knew what Natalie was going to say already.
“He was seeing her all along,” Pam said, guessing.
“Well, yes. They were
friends.
They talked on the phone and met for lunch. Did you tell him you wanted him to like your friends?”
“Yes, but I wanted him to like them in
you have nice friends
way; not
let’s go to lunch and talk on the phone
way.” Pam felt sick.
“Evidently, he knew he wasn’t going through with it last night. She rushed to Philadelphia to give him immoral support, and then they came here tonight. He told Jeff and Jeff told Ted and Ted told me that Jason was trying to get her to go home, but she latched onto him like a tick.” Pam giggled again, the wine going to her head.
“So Jason knew the night before the wedding that he wasn’t going through with it, when we could have called it off, saving a load of embarrassment, the trouble all of these people went to, to get here from all over creation.”
“Pretty much,” Natalie said. “I was heading to my bedroom to read when they pulled into the driveway. We could see Jason and Sandra debating in the car; I can’t say they were arguing exactly. He left to go to your house and she was pouting. After a few minutes, she must have gotten too warm sitting out there so she came to the door. ‘Jason went to Pam’s,’ she said. Jeff let her in, but we were dying to talk to Jason, to find out what went wrong.
“He returned from your house a few minutes later saying you wouldn’t talk to him, and we agreed that he could hardly blame you. He seemed reluctant to speak about it in front of Sandra when Jeff questioned him. It was surreal. Here the guy had just stood you up at the altar and we’re sitting around at a cocktail party making small talk.”
“I think it’s most revealing that he drove all the way to Long Island to spend the evening next door to me.”
“He wanted to
explain
,” Natalie said.
“And I didn’t want to hear it. I was so over him. If he’d tried to get in touch earlier I’d have been interested. He was too late.”
“It was getting uncomfortable at Jeff’s with Jason skirting the issue because of Sandra. Then I saw you out the window and I thought my chance to escape had arrived! I wonder if they even miss me. My relationship with Ted is so superficial; why do I bother. Well, that’s not true; I bother because of Deborah. Because of her, I need to have some kind of connection with him. Deborah’s our daughter together. You know about her,
of
her. She’s quite wonderful. Giving her up for adoption was maybe the best thing I did for her, but the regrets over what I missed will always be there. At least I have her now.”
Pam grabbed Natalie’s hand. “Yes, you have her. I just realized she and Lisa are about the same age.”
“You’re right!” Natalie looked off into space, imagining her and Pam all those years ago, how different their lives were.
“Jack and I lived uptown,” Pam said. “Brent came first and when I got pregnant with Lisa it was a surprise. It wasn’t as easy the first time.”
“I was living with my mom and dad in the same place I live now, in the Village,” Natalie said. “They were mortified that I was pregnant. My mother badgered me the entire nine months.”
“Is that why you gave her up?”
Natalie thought for a second, wanting to be completely honest. “No, it wasn’t just because of my mother. I didn’t see how I could take care of a baby and work. Of course, women do it all the time, but it was out of my realm. I didn’t have many women friends, and no one who had kids. I’d never even held a baby. I was a freak.”
“I wanted a family so I could do it completely different than my mother,” Pam admitted. “And look what that got me! I judged her and it backfired horribly.”
“Pam, I think you are amazing what you’ve been through.”
“Don’t idealize me, Natalie. I’ve made terrible mistakes and am paying the price now. This thing with Jason is simply a little piece of my life. It really doesn’t make much difference in the scheme of things. I realize now I didn’t love him at all. I was going to marry my antiquing buddy. And I wanted the dress. Now if I could just find out if Sandra and Jason are having an affair, I’d be happy to move on.”
“I can say for sure they are not,” Natalie said. “We would have been abuzz talking about it. He just couldn’t get rid of her.”
Pam related the conversation to Nelda and they both shrugged their shoulders. “It wasn’t anything dramatic after all, Mother. He just didn’t want to get married and I am forever grateful now.”
“How’d you leave it with Natalie?”
“She’s going to come over later and stay here the rest of the week. I’m looking forward to it. She’s funny, honest and unaffected. And I never have to worry about her having an affair with Jack.”
“Oh, Pam, that isn’t even funny,” Nelda said.
“Yes it is. Think about it. I discovered so many women in his life I started to worry whether people I ran into at the grocery store might have slept with him.” Nelda grabbed her and hugged her.
“I really hate him,” she said, quickly adding, “For what he did to you.”
“Yeah, well sometimes I hate him, but most of the time I still love him.” They heard shoes coming on the stone floor and looked up to see Annabelle.
“Knock, knock. Your royal highness summons you,” she said in her best faux English accent, while Nelda and Pam moved apart. “Oh, looks like I interrupted something.”
“You didn’t interrupt anything,” Nelda said stamping her foot for emphasis. “What does that old bag want now?”
“She’s had something to say since four o’clock this morning,” Annabelle said, yawning. They followed her to the children’s wing. Bernice was propped in bed with a lace bed jacket on, her hair piled on top of her head, looking very queen-like.
“What is it?” Nelda asked. Bernice patted the bed.
“Come over here and sit by me.”
“Knock it off, Bernie. What do you want?”
“Patience, patience. You’ll hear in due time. I have an idea.”
“I don’t think I can take any surprises,” Pam groaned. “And I’m sick, you know. I shouldn’t even be in here with you.”
“You probably got it from me in the first place,” Bernice said. “I am going to stop visiting at the nursing home if I keep bringing germs home. Now pipe down so I can tell you what I dreamed up.”
“Oh for God’s sake,” Nelda said, but she sat down. “Now what is it?”
“I think we should take a cruise!”
“I hate boats,” Nelda said.
“You’ve never been on one,” Bernice replied. “Besides, a cruise ship is like being in a great hotel with a view all around it. You don’t even realize you’re on the water.”
“Until it sinks,” Nelda answered. “I thought you got us in here to tell us some news, like you won lotto, or May Phillips at the rest home finally croaked.”
“She’ll never die,” Bernice said. “Anyway, look at these brochures and tell me what you think. It would be a great way for us to spend your birthday.” She handed out colorful travel catalogues with pictures of tropical beaches and bikini-clad women surrounding a gigantic ship. Pam took one but gave it right back.
“I’ll support you going on a cruise, but I don’t feel right about leaving Lisa with all those children for a week.”
“She's got a nanny and her mother-in-law,” Nelda said. “And let’s not forget lover boy.”