Sin City Uniform 01 - All Fired Up (15 page)

“Do you wanna come in?”

“I’d like that very much.”

He swallowed, still unsure, but hopeful. Without answering, he turned then made his way to his apartment. His fucking hands wouldn’t stop trembling as he unlocked his apartment door and he inwardly cursed himself for being so foolish. So susceptible to the man standing right behind him.

After tossing his keys on the small kitchen counter, he gestured for Trent to sit. He rubbed his hands through his hair before turning around. He
hated
uncomfortable confrontations with people who mattered to him. There hadn’t been many instances—or people—where he’d had to deal with it, but the one he was about to face with Trent was the absolute worst. No one had ever mattered so much.

Trent sat on a cushioned chair next to the sofa, perched on the edge with his hands clasped in front of him. He was clearly ill at ease.

“Did you get my voicemail?”

“No.”

Even though Shawn wished for a positive outcome, he wouldn’t make it easy for him.

Shawn wasn’t the one who had the issues.

“I understand.” Trent’s gaze flitted around the room, he seemed at a loss.

“Why are you here?”

Nodding, Trent finally lifted his eyes to Shawn’s. He forced himself not to back away from Trent’s silently pleading look.

“I’m sorry.”

Shawn was about to speak when a surge of emotions crashed through him. He took a few deep breaths, his control slipping away. He couldn’t hold back.

“
Sorry
? You’re kidding, right?”

Shawn turned away, grabbing the counter to keep himself from slamming his fist on it.

As much as he hoped they could work it out,
longed
for it, a simple sorry wasn’t going to cut it. He’d heard Trent’s apologies before and a new one wasn’t about to impress him. They’d obviously not been enough to keep Trent from falling apart at the first sign of trouble.

“I know, Shawn. I know. Would you let me explain why I believe it’s different this time? If you think I’m full of shit, then I’ll leave. I won’t bother you anymore.”

Shawn pressed his lips together, his anger still swirling around in his gut. After all the agony he’d been through for the past week, he should at least give Trent a chance. Give them both a chance.

He lowered his arms to his side then dragged himself to the couch. He dropped down, not sure what Trent could possibly say to make him believe things could change. During the entire week he’d tried to reach Trent to talk things out, he’d never stopped to consider that there might not be a way for Trent to handle being in a relationship with him, that he might’ve been right to break it off.

He’d purposely sat at the other end of the sofa, safely out of range from Trent’s touch. If he touched him, there was a good chance he’d give in to anything Trent proposed.

“Fine. Convince me.”

“I’m seeing someone.”

Shawn almost choked then sputtered out a disgusted laugh. “You’re insane. How’s going out with someone else going to inspire me to forgive you? Is that the only reason you came over here today…”

“Shawn…”

“To prove to me that you’re a changed man, hoping I’ll forgive you so that you can clear your conscience and move on…”

“
Shawn
…”

“With your new lover?”

“A therapist. I’m seeing a
therapist
.”

He shook his head in confusion. “You’re dating a therapist?”

Trent dropped his head in one hand, rubbing his forehead. At last he rose from the chair and moved toward Shawn as if he were about to hug him. Shawn angled back and held his hands up in front of him. Trent sat down on the end of the couch, appearing contrite.

“She thinks I have PTSD. Captain Taylor gave me an ultimatum. He strongly suggested I take my vacation time and get some professional help or he was going to bring me up before the board to review my actions at the hotel fire.”

Shawn arched his eyebrows in surprise. It wasn’t at all what he’d expected from the man of few words he’d been falling for. There was no doubt it had to have been a difficult thing for him to do. Although, he supposed the threat of losing his livelihood had been a major motivator.

“Um. Good. I think that’s a good thing. However, I don’t see why you needed to come over here and tell me. Don’t get me wrong, I wish you all the best. I hope this gets you the help you need. But I was already too emotionally invested into us as a couple, and I can’t be there for you as just a friend. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want just a friend.”

Shawn let his head fall back on the cushion. He couldn’t help but wonder if the therapist had been stuck doing all the talking. Finally, he angled his body to face Trent. He needed him to get to the point.

“Can you practice your newfound desire to speak about your deepest feelings on me? I don’t understand what you’re really trying to say to me and after all the suffering I’ve been through this past week, I’m not in the mood to guess.”

Trent furrowed his brow, pressing his lips together. The man seemed to be struggling.

“I’m trying to say that I’m getting help in the hopes that I can build a life with you, so that I can be everything you need from a man. I care about my job, but I’d already thought about moving away from Vegas if you weren’t going to be in my life any longer. I wouldn’t be able to handle being here, seeing you on calls, aching for you.”

Holy crap.

“I…uh…” Yeah. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Really?”

He couldn’t mask his disbelief. Not that he didn’t doubt what Trent was saying. The one thing he’d always had complete confidence in was that Trent was an honest man. It was simply that it hadn’t been anywhere near to what he’d thought he was going to say.

“Really. Please Shawn, I’ve never begged before. But I’m begging you now. Give me another chance. If you want, I’ll agree to counseling together, whatever it takes to make you comfortable with giving us another try.”

It was easy for him to respond. “Okay. But I have one condition.”

“Whatever you want.”

“You might want to hear my condition first.”

“I don’t give a fuck what it is. Anything you want.”

“Wow. All right then, no sex. No being alone at either of our places until we meet with your therapist a few times. Then we’ll see.”

Trent nodded, swallowing a couple of times before he answered. “Agreed.”

That had gone over better than he’d anticipated. They sat in silence, not yet fully comfortable with one another.

“Are you working tomorrow?”

Shawn inhaled deeply, hoping that whatever it was Trent had in mind he would want to agree to it.

“No, I took some vacation days.”

Trent had a pained look on his face. “I see. In that case, I have an appointment with Dr Silver. Would you like to join me?”

The man didn’t waste any time. “Sure. What time?”

“Two o’clock. If you’re okay with it, I can either pick you up, or we could meet at the diner for some lunch ahead of time.” He paused. “Or we can just meet at her office.”

Shawn considered the options. “I think for this time I’d rather have my own vehicle. But I’ll meet you at the diner.”

The tension visibly drained from Trent’s face. “Thank you.” He ran his hand through his hair. “Can I hold you before I go?”

Shawn bit his bottom lip. God, how he wanted Trent to hold him. But he couldn’t allow Trent anywhere near him while they were alone. He didn’t trust himself in the slightest.

“I’ll walk you out. When we get to your truck…then, yes. I’d like that.”

They were silent as they made their way to Trent’s vehicle, Trent holding the front security door open for him. Shawn nodded to him in acknowledgment, his nerves rising, threatening to overtake him. Once they reached his truck, he turned to face Trent.

The pained expression had returned and Shawn longed to comfort him. But it was smart to take things slow.

“I really am sorry, Shawn.”

Shawn nodded again and Trent gathered him in a hug. They held on to each other tight, no words, no caresses. He breathed in Trent’s masculine aroma, melted into the warm strength that was his lover.

My lover.

And so much more.

Trent had shown up at the diner early to gather his thoughts and hopefully calm himself before Shawn arrived. He’d been a wound up ball of nerves all night and it had not only carried through into the next day, but had amped up on his drive to the restaurant. He and Dr Silver had already discussed whether he had transferred his feelings for Paul onto Shawn, creating a bond that wasn’t actually there.

After a couple of sessions with her he’d been able to work out that his fears had nothing to do with that. Shawn was actually quite different from Paul in looks, temperament and he had to admit, sexual drive. He loved Shawn exactly the way he was and had no desire to change, or mold him into a replica of Paul or their lost relationship. She’d also suggested that he keep any declarations of love to himself for the time being. It would place too much pressure on Shawn, and she also felt Trent should take some more time to sit with those feelings before saying them out loud.

The idea that he would get any benefit out of going to a therapist had been the biggest surprise to him, amongst everything else. When Lee had gently suggested he seek help after Paul’s death, he’d scoffed at the whole idea. He hadn’t believed in airing his innermost feelings to some stranger. He was barely capable of it with people he knew very well, and even then, in a very limited basis. But with the threat of losing everything he cared about looming over him, he’d finally given in.

When the front bell jangled on the door to the restaurant, he glanced up. His heart fluttered at the sight of Shawn walking toward him. It would take all his willpower not to reach for him. As he approached, he noted the slight discomfort evident in Shawn’s body language.

“Hey,” he said, as he slid into the booth across from Trent.

“Hi Shawn. Thank you for meeting me for lunch.”

Shawn cleared his throat in what seemed to be his own nervousness. They’d never been so uncomfortable with one another, even in the beginning.

“I’m glad we could get together before…um, the appointment.”

Lora strolled over to the table, the book of paper order tickets in her hand, her pencil poised.

“Are you guys ready, or do you need a minute?”

Trent looked at Shawn, deferring to him.

Shawn turned to her.

“We’ll have the usual.”

The couple of times they’d eaten there, the turkey and avocado sandwich had been their mutual choice. But Trent was the one that usually ordered for them. Once she’d written their choices down, she walked away. They were left to their own devices. As Trent ran through possible non-conflict inducing topics of conversation in his mind, Shawn spoke up.

“I don’t suppose you’ve heard any news regarding the cause of the hotel fire?”

That had been the one subject he’d planned on studiously avoiding sans therapist, but as long as Shawn was willing to talk about it, he would gladly go along.

“I spoke with Lee on the phone briefly.” He paused, realizing that he was self-editing everything in his head, not allowing himself to converse naturally. Even if he wasn’t verbose, he never overthought his words. “He was checking on me. Uh, he mentioned that the same group who’d claimed responsibility for the other incidents was claiming it again.”

“Yeah, I’d thought that would be the case. I haven’t asked Vicki about it, but I’m betting the department is under a lot of pressure to solve this thing fast. The last thing Vegas wants is for tourists to be scared off. What about that briefing? Any news on that?”

Trent shifted in his seat. “I’m not…I haven’t been included in anything regarding what’s going on there.”

“Oh. I see.”

Lora arrived with their teas and they sipped them in silence, Trent was unable to stop himself from fiddling with his spoon like he always did. He focused on pushing his frightened emotions aside and bringing his mind back around to the man seated before him—the reason he was going through so much effort to straighten himself out.

“Did you ever upload the pictures from Spring Mountain?”

Shawn’s eyes seemed to light up. “Actually, yeah. There are a few shots that came out amazing, I’m thinking of getting them printed, maybe framed. I don’t know, but I can’t wait for you to see them, tell me what you think.” The words had tumbled out of Shawn almost breathlessly, but he appeared to catch himself. “I mean, you know…at some point.”

Trent nodded with a tight smile. It would take some time.

“I’d like that. I’d like it a lot.”

He took another drink of tea then set the glass, covered in condensation, down. Playing a finger through the moisture, he tried not to fall back into fear. He raised his eyes and Shawn’s gaze was there to meet them, no hesitation.

“Were they the ones you took of those Yellow Orioles?”

“Some of them. But there was also a nice one I caught of you by the ranch house.”

A smile spread across Shawn’s face, and Trent relaxed in the booth, exhaling as he did.

He could feel it. They were going to be okay.

* * * *

So far, he’d gone to two sessions with Trent. After the lunch at the diner, they’d also had dinner one night and gone to a movie on another. There was no doubt Trent had experienced a change within himself and Shawn had been worried at first—worried that it might mean that Trent would decide to move on without him or that they wouldn’t fit together in the same way they had before. It was selfish, but he’d come to the conclusion that he really
did
want to be a part of Trent’s life. His feelings had only intensified.

Relating to one another without the sex had also been disconcerting, but he was gladder than ever he’d made that a provision. They had no choice but to communicate with one another on a basic level—there wasn’t the anticipation of what they’d do together later driving their interaction. It was only about them enjoying each other’s company.

Who knew?

He’d even decided that he really liked Dr Silver. He wanted to give her a million dollars for helping Trent so much in such a short time. Because truthfully, the changes in Trent were very positive and he’d reached the conclusion that they most definitely were a good thing.