Shield My Heart (Heaven Hill Book 9) (9 page)

“You do, Amanda. You know exactly why you’re doing what you’re doing.”

Anger coursed through her body, although she wasn’t sure whom it was directed towards. Dalton? Doc Jones? Herself? “I love him!”

“At the expense of what? Your sanity? This baby you’re carrying?” Doc Jones reached out, putting her hand on top of Mandy’s. “You’re under a lot of stress. You’re not handling morning sickness well, and I can see with my own two eyes the toll this is taking on you. Sooner or later the people in your life will see that too. Perhaps some of them already are, and they’re going to question you. What are you going to tell them, Mandy? Lie and say nothing’s wrong? In several months you’re going to have a kicking and screaming child that will refuse to be a secret any longer. Stop doing this to yourself.”

She felt every word that Doc Jones said to her. The tears that were always at the surface erupted past her lashes. Doc Jones was pushing, but at the same time, she knew they were all words she needed to hear. They were all truths she’d been almost refusing to face.

“I keep promising myself the tears I cry are my last, but just like everything else, it’s a lie. I can’t stop them, I can’t stop the hopelessness I feel in moments of weakness, and I can’t stop loving Dalton,” she sobbed, hiccupping and accepting the tissue Doc Jones pressed in her hands. She wiped away the wetness on her cheeks with angry movements, pissed at herself for showing emotion again. “Why is he doing this to me? We were happy.”

Doc Jones shrugged. “That I don’t know, honey, and they may be answers you never find out. Can you live with that?”

*

Can you live with that?

After her session with Doc Jones, Mandy was pissed and so tired. She was done with it all, and when she was done with it all, she wanted to eat. Decision made, she turned into the Sonic that had always comforted her. Mandy Walker didn’t do pity, she didn’t do running, and she sure as hell didn’t do scared. All of those were the reasons she’d simply been avoiding anyone and everyone she knew. Especially Dalton Barnett. If it were up to her, today, she’d never see him again. Never talk to him again, and he sure as fuck wouldn’t be there when she gave birth to his child.

He hadn’t earned that right, and she was pretty sure that her dad, Liam, would knock him on his ass if he came near her. To say her baby would throw a wrench into the dynamics of the Heaven Hill MC was putting it mildly, and she’d never felt guiltier in her life. She’d never thought Dalton would ask for a leave of absence.

That, however, couldn’t bother her, because right now she needed some chili cheese fries in the worst way, and damn the man on the bike in front of her at the Sonic drive-thru. Apparently he’d ordered the whole damn menu. As her stomach clenched one more time, she honked her horn out of frustration.

It was then that the guy on the bike turned around and took off his aviators. There in front of her was the one man she was trying to avoid.

She tilted her head back against the seat and asked the question up to the sky that she constantly wanted the answer to. “Really?”

Dalton offered her a sheepish grin and a small wave, not looking the least little bit put out. She hadn’t verbally spoken to him in almost a month, but you wouldn’t know it, looking at him right now. He hadn’t really answered her texts either.

Mandy knew immediately that she couldn’t deal, and gave up her precious spot in line. Chili cheese fries be damned. After all, Bowling Green had more than one Sonic, but she had only one ounce of pride left, and Dalton wasn’t going to watch her lose it if she had anything to say about it.

Thirty minutes later, Mandy sat at the Sonic off of Scottsville Road, eating the chili cheese fries she’d wanted so badly. They were probably the best things she’d ever tasted in her life. Sighing, she wondered how long she’d be able to keep her condition a secret from her mom, dad, and everyone else in her life. As Doc Jones had reminded her, it wouldn’t be a secret for long. Several times Drew had looked at her like he knew something wasn’t right, and like he knew she was hiding something—but he hadn’t yet confronted her. For that she was grateful, because she knew as soon she came clean, and if she and Dalton couldn’t work it out, Drew would be the least of his worries. Her dad would fuck his world up.

‡
Chapter Ten

S
he’d looked beautiful. Pregnancy agreed with her in a lot of ways. Even though he had seen the tension around her face, he’d also noticed the way her T-shirt pulled tight against her breasts, the way her skin glowed in the sun. Dalton wanted nothing more than to follow her as she’d given up her place in the drive-thru line. His hands ached to touch her, his ears wanted to hear her voice again. It’d been weeks since he’d heard her speak, longer than that since he’d touched her. He physically ached with the wanting.

Last night when he’d gotten back into town, a part of him had wanted to be as close to her as he could be. With the dark of night covering him, he’d driven over to her apartment building and watched her window for hours. He’d relived moments they’d shared together in his mind. Memories were the only things that kept him going these days. They kept his head above water and the depression at bay because he was damn tired of wanting something he couldn’t have.

There was an easy way to end all of this. He had to find Samuel and get the money to Calvert before anything happened to his uncle, but truth be told, he was damn tired of chasing a ghost.

His phone vibrated in his pocket, and he fished it out, holding onto the milkshake he drank.

Got to the trailer and he’s here. I’m keeping him preoccupied until you make it. He won’t lie to you like he will me.

Dalton threw away the milkshake and wanted to scream with joy as he read his brother’s text message. They’d finally found their uncle. Now, hopefully, they could get some answers.

*

Mandy sighed as she parked her car in front of her parents’ house. She hadn’t wanted to go home after her Sonic run, but she hadn’t wanted to be around friends either. The place where she felt safest called to her. Seeing her mom’s car, she smiled. It looked like no one else was home, and that was exactly how she wanted it.

Slowly she took the stairs to the front door, moving cautiously because her stomach didn’t always agree with what she chose to eat. When it felt like she would be okay, she tested the knob, knocking lightly as she walked inside.

“Mom, you here?”

“On the back porch!”

That’s where her mom always was; book in her hand, light blanket over her legs. She loved her afternoons on the back porch. Mandy grinned, her cheeks turning red as she thought about the afternoons she and Dalton had spent there as teenagers. Hopefully no one but them knew about those stolen hours—when they did all kinds of things they weren’t supposed to.

“Hey.” Mandy gave her mom the first genuine smile she’d given anyone in the past few weeks. It felt good to see her and not be alone.

“Hey yourself.” Denise waved from where she sat in her favorite chair.

Suddenly exhaustion gripped Mandy like she’d never felt before. She yawned widely and grabbed a blanket Denise kept over the back of the couch. It was so much more than a back porch. It had been screened in when they came to live here, and it had been where all of them gathered, where her parents had been married, and where many of them had spent long summer nights. This was one of her most cherished places too.

“You tired? Charity said you haven’t been feeling well,” Denise pried, gently. She wanted desperately to know what was going on with her daughter, but at the same time, she recognized Mandy was an adult. She didn’t have to tell her anything she didn’t want to.

Mandy could only guess what Charity had been saying. Primarily because she’d been less than honest with her boss, even less honest with her friend, and even downright lying to her sister-in-law. “I am,” she admitted, closing her eyes against the bright sunlight.

“You looked tired the other night when you came over for dinner.”

They were quiet when Mandy didn’t acknowledge the opening Denise had given her. She
was
tired, tired of thinking about what she was going to do, tired of trying to figure out how Dalton felt about all of this, and tired of keeping her secret. It weighted heavily on her, and there were days when she wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but she knew as sure as the sun rose Dalton would suffer for this.

He would suffer for the way he’d turned his back on her. Her dad, Drew, Tyler, hell even Charity wouldn’t stand for this. Meredith might kick his ass too, and she couldn’t bring herself to rob him of the only family he’d ever truly known.

“What are you thinking about so hard over there? You’re gettin’ that wrinkle in between your eyes, and you’re frowning really hard.”

Mandy opened her eyes and gazed at her mom, sighing as she stretched out on the couch. “I have a lot of stuff goin’ on right now, Mama.”

“Anything you want to talk about?” Denise offered, hoping that her oldest daughter would take her lead. She could see the confliction every time she looked at her, could see she was hurting, but she had no idea how to reach her.

“I’ve been going to see Doc Jones,” she admitted softly. “It’s helping.”

Denise gasped. “Oh Mandy, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” she was quick to assure. “What’s going on is happening between Dalton and me. I don’t want you to worry he’s physically hurt me or anything like that. I promise it’s nothing that bad. I just need someone to hear me out and offer an unbiased opinion. I can’t get that here.” She hoped her explanation soothed ruffled feathers.

Denise was quiet for a while. “I would hope if it’s something you can’t handle, you’d come to me.” She breathed deeply. “But if what you need is to fall asleep on that couch while I read my book for a while, then you can do that too. But I want to warn you. Dalton’s asked for a leave of absence from the club, and if your dad finds out it’s not for the reason he’s given, there’ll be hell to pay.”

The news wasn’t a shock to Mandy, and she thought about being honest, but she was already close to letting sleep take her, and couldn’t bring herself to care. If and when she and Dalton finally spoke to each other again, it would be another question she’d have to ask.