Shark Out of Water (Grab Your Pole, #3) (16 page)

Yeah, I’d like to be a fly on the wall for that one too.

I shifted on the couch, trying to get comfy, when my keys dug into my hip. I took them out of my pocket and threw them on the table, and then staring at them, I started thinking about what Camie’s dad had said…about the perfect ride…and I realized it’d been way too long since I’d gone for one. More often than not, riding relaxes me and helps me think, and let’s be honest, I have some decisions to make and they’re not gonna get made if I take a nap. Besides, I bet Neptune would appreciate a flower petal, honey, and fresh peppermint sandwich. Yeah, I wouldn’t recommend it for dinner tonight, but my horse thinks it’s the bomb…

Clearly. ~ Jeff

It’d started sprinkling by the time I made it out to the lake and when I went in the house and smelled the pungent scent of peppermint, the key ingredient to Tristan’s horse’s favorite treat, I immediately knew he wasn’t in the house. I got back in my Jeep and drove over to the stables and just as I walked around the corner to the front, I stopped short of going in when I caught sight of him on the rise just on the other side.

Okay, now I have to admit something here; all jokes aside, I’m honestly a pretty built guy and I’m not intimidated by much, we’ll not be mentioning a certain blonde, thirteen-year-old girl either, but Tristan sitting bareback in the rain on that monster black Friesian of his with the wind whipping its exceptionally long mane and tail around making it look like fuckin’ demonic spirits are circling around the two of them, and adding the dark thunderclouds overhead…? Well, I’m just saying, it would make anyone pause and reconsider confronting him right then. I mean, the ancestors of this horse were used in the Middle Ages as horses of war for a fuckin’ reason and this particular one is so unnaturally black that in some light, it looks blue. And, it’s
huge
. It’s also extremely elegant, majestic, and surprisingly docile for its size and malevolent appearance, but even knowing all that and what a pushover Neptune can be after munching on a sandwich, I’m having a really fuckin’ hard time ridding my self of images of the horses and Nazgul in the
Lord of the Rings
at the moment…

I weighed my battle options, which I found were that I either turn tail and leave, I get on a horse taking his mounted leverage away, or, I just make like I’m in the infantry and go on foot. I know. Not much in the way of options but still, I weighed them. I like the idea of being able to meet him at eye level but I hate getting a horse into a saddle and bridle and the rest of that shit, and I’m not all that great of a bareback rider…it freaks me out. Besides, there’s only one other horse here that you can ride without a saddle or anything and you have to fuckin’ bribe her before she’ll cooperate. Fuck it. I’m goin’ on foot.

Although Tristan’s back was to me when I got up there, both he and his horse knew I was approaching. Neither of them moved a muscle to acknowledge my presence, though, so that meant I was gonna have to make the first move. I took a deep breath, swallowed once, then I let my breath out and said, “I came to see if you wanted to talk.”

Without deigning to even glance in my direction or take his eyes off the horizon, he replied, “No, I’m good and besides, even if I did, it sure as fucking hell wouldn’t be to you.”

He meant it to be spiteful and that’s exactly how I took it. I started to get pissed.

“When did you become such a fucking cowardly asshole?”

“Don’t you think you should ask yourself that? After all, you
clearly
seem to have all the answers.” Fuck. He knows I went to Jillian for answers and he also knows she didn’t give me any so now he’s rubbing it in my face…the fucking smug asshole.

“Jesus Christ, I should pull you off that goddamned horse and beat the living shit out of you for everything you’ve done but you’re not even worth the effort,” I told him in my own spiteful and vindictive way, hoping to at least get in a small stab at him.

It didn’t work. All I’d managed to do was give him more fuel to hurt me and piss me off even more because his response was cold, sneering laughter.

“Oh Jesus, your sense of humor’s always been a little off center, but fuck, that was hysterical…I don’t know how in the
fuck
you think
you’d
be able to do
any
of that, seeing as how you couldn’t before when you had equal footing and I wasn’t fighting back and all, but I’d fuckin’
love
to see you try to get me off
this
horse and then kick my ass.” That was when he turned his dark gaze to my face and there was absolutely no humor or even
life
in it whatsoever. Then, he ever so casually wheeled his horse around and slowly started to move away from me.

“That’s it, I’m done…I don’t even know who you are anymore,” I said, and gave up by turning around and walking away.

His single word, sarcastic retort of
 
“Clearly” echoed and smoldered in my ears all the way back to the stables, making me fume about the fact that he’d “clearly” gotten to me and that he’d “clearly” done it on purpose.

I got down to the stables, paused in front of the rose bushes there and swore. He did it
all
on purpose. And when I said I didn’t know who he is, that “clearly” reply of his held sorrow. Whether he meant for me to or not, I could hear it. That means Camie wasn’t the one he was protecting himself from the other day when she brought up his birthday present to her. Sure, she might’ve had a little to do with it, but it was mostly him trying to keep me from seeing anything of his emotions. It means he was protecting himself from
me
. It also means I can still get to him and make him talk…I just have to make the
right
effort and jump through the
right
hoops to be successful. In turn, all of that means, unfortunately, is that I have to get on a goddamned horse. And not just
any
goddamned horse either.

As I started to pick the flowers for the easy part of my bribe I had to wonder, are horses color blind? I’d kinda like to know because I’d hate to go through all this demeaning bullshit only to have her reject my offering based on the fact that I don’t know what her favorite color is. Yeah, that’s right, she could very fucking possibly “reject” me. Why, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you… Many horses can be called eccentric or maybe even crazy, but the goddamned horse I’m gonna have to humble myself with in order to get to Tristan is fuckin’ certifiably
insane
. Seriously, if there were loony bins for horses, the padding in her cell would be pink satin and there’d be fuckin’ ribbons and bows all over the place.

It’s not entirely her fault, though. She’s been brainwashed over the years by hundreds of little kids to believe…are you ready for this? I’m not fuckin’ kidding; you might wanna sit down… The crazy horse actually honestly believes she’s a fucking
UNICORN
.

I told you to sit down so you can’t blame me if you just fell flat on your ass…

Her name is Lady Amalthea. She’s an exceptionally pretty Andalusian and Tristan’s mom’s favorite horse. And she
is
actually named after the unicorn in the book called
The Last Unicorn
, but you see, it was because of her ultra gentle temperament and her pristine white coloring that made her the perfect choice to use as a mock unicorn at the Renaissance Fairs that used to be held all over Southern California during the fall and spring. Tristan’s mom would take her to all the festivals, braid her mane and tail with flowers and ribbons, and she even constructed a realistic looking enamel horn for the horse to wear, but I think it was all the kids who would ooh and ahh about what a pretty unicorn she was that sent her over the edge. They’d bring her flowers and pet her, and because she was supposed to be a “wild” unicorn, Trinity never put any tack on her so the kids would ride her around the little corralled area bareback with only a lead rope that was threaded with “jewels” and more flowers attached to the halter thing that was used to keep her horn in place. So, now she can’t abide having a saddle on her back let alone a bit in her mouth.

But wait! There’s more!

After spending her days being pampered and presented with gifts of flowers, candied apples and shit like that, she developed a disliking not only for other horses, which I personally think is because she believes they’re beneath her by not being one of her kind, but she also won’t have anything to do with people who won’t buy in to her madness. And that’s where the bribery comes in. She loves to be ridden but you have to go into her stall, which
is
actually painted “princess pink” by the way, present her with flowers, and then you have to convince her that you believe what she knows in that crazy-ass little heart of hers to be true. That she’s the prettiest, most beautiful unicorn in the whole wide world.

I
KNOW
! The horse is loony!

And that’s why I cannot
fucking
believe I’m gonna do this…

Attention shoppers, humble pie is now on sale at the Black Market ~ Tristan

Oh dear God in heaven…

If I wasn’t so completely pissed off that he had the nerve to show up here and interrupt “What Hurts the Most” being mentally performed by Rascal Flatts, they were sounding really great by the way and I was about to reach the point of getting weepy so, really, Jeff showing up and barging in on my private concert fuckin’ ticked me off, but then he threatens to pull me off
my
horse so he can kick my ass after saying those two things I already know, that I’m a cowardly asshole and that he doesn’t know who I am, both of which are the reasons why I haven’t spoken to him in two goddamned weeks in the first place!

Wait, where the hell was I goin’ with that?

Oh yeah…

If it wasn’t for all that, I’d have probably fallen off my horse in laughter when I saw him coming out to meet me again. Only this time, he isn’t coming on foot.
This
time, he’s riding the Unicorn…

Yeah, the “Unicorn.” She’s my mom’s baby and probably more spoiled than I am, but she’s become such a goddamned diva that she won’t even answer to her given horse name anymore. So, of course, being that he’s just as masochistic as I am, Neptune
luuuuuvs
her. Immediately he caught sight of her and before I could recover from my shock of seeing Jeff in time to turn him around, he automatically picked up the pace to get over to her. Even though Amalthea won’t give him the time of day, my horse has always been a sucker for her and her narcissistic ways. It’s kinda sad. I got him for my tenth birthday and I’ve had him ever since he was weaned almost eight years ago when the Unicorn was already seven and pretty much convinced she wasn’t a regular horse. She’s never been anything but a royal bitch to him, but, he still loves her. I think he thinks she’s been playing hard to get and I don’t have the heart to tell him that in her mind, he’ll never amount to anything unless he magically sprouts wings and one-ups her on her mythological existence.

Huh. Maybe I can build him some. Just because I’m probably not having sex ever again doesn’t mean I can’t help my horse get laid, right? Yep! I’m seriously talking about living vicariously through a horse. Jesus, my life is so pathetic…

As Neptune and I got close enough for me to make out Jeff’s expression though, I started to get really irritated again. But I’ll bet Jeff was really fuckin’ confused and then
totally
fuckin’ pissed when he went through all the Unicorn’s tests so he could get on her only to have to get back off of her again because he realized she won’t leave her stall anymore without wearing her fuckin’ horn. Damn, I would’ve loved to have seen him “court” her…I bet he
hated
that.

Then it dawned on me
why
he did it and I had to work hard to unclench my teeth and not steer Neptune away from his crush. I’m not gonna make it easy for him and I really don’t have a whole fuckin’ lot to say, but apparently he does, so I’m gonna give him the hilariously earned courtesy of listening. I only wish Jillian was around to capture some of this on camera. Still shots, video, black and white, color…I don’t give a shit, but Jeff humiliating himself and scared out of his mind because he’s riding a fucking unicorn in full flowered regalia totally bareback and without the benefit of actual reigns is something I think would fetch a nice price on the black market…

The ultimate sucker punch ~ Jeff

So there’s just no fucking way for a guy to look at all cool when he’s riding a unicorn…

It didn’t help my cool factor one bit when Neptune got all giddy and started prancing his way over to meet the fucking fruitcake I’m sitting on. All I could think was, “Oh holy fucking shit! I’m gonna die. That almost one-ton, lovesick demon that Tristan can control but at the moment isn’t, is gonna flirt with this screwball I’m trying to ride but can’t really control, she’s gonna tell him to fuck off by trying to gore him with her fuckin’ fake horn and when that doesn’t work, she’s gonna rear up or kick his ass or something just as equally detrimental to my health, I’m gonna fall off of her and then I’m gonna break my neck and die.”

When I was successful in my bribe to get on her and then she wouldn’t fuckin’ budge, I sat there wondering what the fuck?! Then I saw her horn sitting on a little cushioned shelf and I swore violently—to myself of course. No way was I gonna let her know what I was thinking because I’m sure she probably would’ve thrown me straight away. So I got down, put her goddamned horn on her, remounted, and we were good to go. The problem, of course, is that I completely forgot how irrationally smitten Neptune is with this horse, who, of course, would never even dream of allowing an animal not of her ilk to defile her in any way…physically
or
socially. As they got closer, mentally I was repeating, “I wanna quit the horse! I wanna quit the horse!” I was also praying. Verbally I was telling the goddamned unicorn how truly majestic and beautiful she is and I was thanking her from the bottom of my heart that she condescended to let me ride her, and asked as sincerely as I could if she could please not throw me off of her and that I’d be forever grateful if she could just tolerate Tristan’s lowly beast for a little bit while I tried to get him to open up. I also threw in just for good measure that Neptune isn’t your average horse. I lied and told her that Merlin the Magician had presented King Arthur with Neptune because he was special, so Arthur rode him in all his great battles, which obviously makes Neptune a decorated war hero, and I rounded out my “biography” by telling her that he was even knighted by Queen Guinevere. Yeah, I know, but get off my fuckin’ back…I’m scared as fuck and that makes people do and say all kinds of desperate shit.